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The Complete Assad Joke compilation

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  1. Husband V/S Wife
  2.  
  3. Husband: Do you know the meaning of WIFE?
  4.  
  5. It means, Without Information, Fighting Everytime!
  6.  
  7. Wife: No darling, it means,
  8.  
  9. With Idiot For Ever
  10. ************ ********* ********* ********* ********* ********* *********
  11. ******
  12. *
  13. ********
  14. Wife: I wish I was a newspaper,
  15.  
  16. So I'd be in your hands all day.
  17.  
  18. Husband: I too wish that you were a newspaper,
  19.  
  20. So I could have a new one everyday.
  21.  
  22.  
  23. ************ ********* ********* ********* ********* ********* *********
  24. ******
  25. *
  26. ********
  27. Doctor: Your husband needs rest and peace. Here are some sleeping
  28. pills.
  29. Wife: When must I give them to him?
  30.  
  31. Doctor: They are for you
  32. ************ ********* ********* ********* ********* ********* *********
  33. ******
  34. *
  35. ********
  36.  
  37. Wife: I had to marry you to find out how stupid you are.
  38.  
  39. Husband: You should have known it the minute
  40.  
  41. I asked you to marry me.
  42.  
  43.  
  44. ************ ********* ********* ********* ********* ********* *********
  45. ******
  46. *
  47. ********
  48.  
  49. Husband: Today is Sunday & I have to enjoy it.
  50.  
  51. So I bought 3 movie tickets.
  52.  
  53. Wife: Why Three?
  54.  
  55. Husband: For you and your parents
  56. ************ ********* ********* ********* ********* ********* *********
  57. ******
  58. *
  59. ********
  60.  
  61. Wife: What will you give me if I climb the great Mount Everest?
  62.  
  63. Husband: A lovely Push...!!!
  64.  
  65.  
  66. ************ ********* ********* ********* ********* ********* *********
  67. ******
  68. *
  69. ********
  70.  
  71. Q: What is the most effective way to remember your wife's birthday?
  72.  
  73. A: Just forget it once and you will never forget it again
  74. ************ ********* ********* ********* ********* ********* *********
  75. ******
  76. *
  77. ********
  78.  
  79. After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband,
  80.  
  81. You know, I was a fool when I married you.
  82.  
  83. The husband replied, "Yes dear, but I was in love and didn't notice
  84.  
  85. ROMANCE_MATHEMATICS:
  86.  
  87. Smart man + smart woman = romance
  88. Smart man+dumb woman = affair
  89. Dumb man+smart woman = marriage
  90. Dumb man+dumb woman = pregnancy
  91.  
  92.  
  93.  
  94.  
  95. OFFICE_ARITHMETIC
  96. Smart boss+smart employee = profit
  97. Smart boss+dumb employee = production
  98. Dumb boss+smart employee = promotion
  99. Dumb boss+dumb employee = overtime
  100.  
  101.  
  102.  
  103. SHOPPING_MATH
  104. A man will pay $200 for a$100 item he needs.
  105. A woman will pay$100 for a $200 item that she doesn't need.
  106.  
  107.  
  108. GENERAL_EQUATIONS_&_STATISTICS
  109. A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
  110. A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
  111. A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
  112. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
  113. HAPPINESS
  114. To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a lot.
  115. To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.
  116.  
  117.  
  118. The Hormone Guide
  119.  
  120. Women will understand this! . . . . . . .Men should memorise it!  
  121.  
  122. Every woman knows that there are days when all a man needs to do, is to open his mouth, to put his life on the line!
  123. This is a handy guide that should be carried like a driver's license, in the wallet of every husband, boyfriend, co-worker,
  124. or significant other!  
  125.  
  126. _________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
  127. | | | | |
  128. |____________DANGEROUS_____________|_______________________SAFER_______________________|_______________SAFEST________________|_____________ULTRA_SAFE_____________|
  129. | | | | |
  130. | What's for  | Can I help you  | Where would you like  | Here, have some wine. |
  131. |_____________dinner?______________|___________________with_dinner?____________________|__________to_go_for_dinner?__________|____________________________________|
  132. | | | | Here, have some wine |
  133. | Are you  | You sure  | WOW! Look at you! | |
  134. |__________wearing_that?___________|________________look_good_in_brown!________________|_____________________________________|____________________________________|
  135. | | | | |
  136. | What are you  | Could we be  | Here's my paycheck. | Here, have some wine. |
  137. |_______so_worked_up_about?________|___________________overreacting?___________________|_____________________________________|____________________________________|
  138. | | | | |
  139. | Should you be  | You know, there are  | Can I get you a piece  | Here, have some wine. |
  140. |___________eating_that?___________|_______________a_lot_of_apples_left._______________|_______of_chocolate_with_that?_______|____________________________________|
  141. | | | | |
  142. | What did you  | I hope you didn't  | I've always loved you  | Here, have some wine. |
  143. |___________DO_all_day?____________|_________________over-do_it_today._________________|____________in_that_robe!____________|____________________________________|
  144.  
  145. Long_Live_Bachelors
  146.  
  147. Every_man_should_get_married_some_time;_after_all,_happiness_is_not_the_only_thing_in_life!!
  148.  
  149. --Anonymous
  150.  
  151. ---------------------------------------------------------------------
  152. Bachelors_should_be_heavily_taxed._It_is_not_fair_that_some_men_should
  153. be_happier_than_others.
  154.  
  155. --Oscar_Wilde
  156.  
  157. ----------------------------------------------------------------------
  158. Don't_marry_for_money;_you_can_borrow_it_cheaper.
  159.  
  160. --Scottish_Proverb
  161.  
  162. ----------------------------------------------------------------------
  163. I_don't_worry_about_terrorism._I_was_married_for_two_years.
  164.  
  165. --Sam_Kinison
  166.  
  167. ---------------------------------------------------------------------
  168. Men_have_a_better_time_than_women;_for_one_thing,
  169. they_marry_later;_for_another_thing,_they_die_earlier.
  170.  
  171. --H._L._Mencken
  172.  
  173. ---------------------------------------------------------------------
  174. When_a_newly_married_couple_smiles,_everyone_knows_why.
  175. When_a_ten-year_married_couple_smiles,_everyone_wonders_why.
  176.  
  177. ---------------------------------------------------------------------
  178. Love_is_blind_but_marriage_is_an_eye-opener.
  179.  
  180. ----------------------------------------------------------------------
  181. When_a_man_opens_the_door_of_his_car_for_his_wife,
  182. you_can_be_sure_of_one_thing:
  183.  
  184. either_the_car_is_new_or_the_wife.
  185.  
  186. ---------------------------------------------------------------------
  187. I_take_my_wife_everywhere,_but_she_keeps_finding
  188. her_way_back_to_home_always.
  189.  
  190. --Anonymous
  191.  
  192. ----------------------------------------------------------------------
  193. I_asked_my_wife,_"Where_do_you_want_to_go_for_our
  194. anniversary?"_She_said,"Somewhere_I_have_never_been!"_I_told_her,
  195. "How_about_the_kitchen?"
  196.  
  197. --Anonymous
  198.  
  199. ------------------------------------------------------------------
  200. We_always_hold_hands._If_I_let_go,_she_shops.
  201.  
  202. -------------------------------------------------------------------
  203. My_wife_was_in_beauty_saloon_for_two_hours.
  204. That_was_only_for_the_estimate.
  205.  
  206. --Anonymous
  207.  
  208. -------------------------------------------------------------------
  209. She_got_a_mudpack_and_looked_great_for_two_days._Then
  210. the_mud_fell_off.
  211.  
  212. --Anonymous
  213.  
  214. ---------------------------------------------------------------------
  215. She_ran_after_the_garbage_truck,_yelling,_"Am_I_too
  216. late_for_the_garbage?"
  217. Following_her_down_the_street_I_yelled,_"No,_jump_in."
  218.  
  219. --Anonymous
  220.  
  221. ---------------------------------------------------------------------
  222. Badd_Teddy_recently_explained_to_me_why_he_refuses
  223. to_get_to_married.
  224. He_says_"the_wedding_rings_look_like_minature
  225. handcuffs....."
  226.  
  227. --Anonymous
  228.  
  229. ---------------------------------------------------------------------
  230. If_your_dog_is_barking_at_the_back_door_and_your
  231. wife_yelling_at_the_frontdoor,_who_do_you_let_in_first?
  232. The_Dog_of_course..._at_least_he'll_shut_up_after_u
  233. let_him_in!
  234.  
  235. --Anonymous
  236.  
  237. ---------------------------------------------------------------------
  238. A_man_placed_some_flowers_on_the_grave_of_his_dearly
  239. parted_mother_and_started_back_toward_his_car_when_his_attention_was
  240. diverted_to_another_man_kneeling_at_a_grave._The_man_seemed_to_be
  241. praying_with_profound_intensity_and_kept_repeating,_'Why_did_u_have_to
  242. die?_Why_did_you_have_to_die?"_The_first_man_approached_him_and_said,_"Sir,
  243. I_don't_wish_to_interfere_with_your_private_grief,_but_this
  244. demonstration_of_pain_in_is
  245. more_than_I've_ever_seen_before._For_whom_do_you_mourn_so?_Deeply?_A
  246. child?_A_parent?"The_mourner_took_a_moment_to_collect_himself,_then
  247. replied_"My_wife's_first_husband."
  248.  
  249. ----------------------------------------------------------------------
  250. A_couple_came_upon_a_wishing_well._The_husband
  251. leaned_over,_made_a_wish
  252. and_threw_in_a_coin_.
  253. The_wife_decided_to_make_a_wish,_too._But_she_leaned
  254. over_too_much,_fell
  255. into_the_well,_and_drowned._The_husband_was_stunned
  256. for_a_while_but_then
  257. smiled_"It_really_works!"
  258. [Image]
  259.  
  260. > > > > Aging Women... > > > > A woman over 40 will never wake you in the middle of the night and > > ask, 'What are you thinking?' She doesn't care what you think. > > > > If a woman over 40 doesn't want to watch the game, she doesn't sit > > around
  261. whining about it. She do es something she wants to do, and it's > > usually more interesting. > > > > Women over 40 are dignified. They seldom have a screaming match with > > you at the opera or in the middle of an expensive restaurant. Of > > course, if
  262. you deserve it, they won't hesitate to shoot you if they > > think they can get away with it. > > > > Older women are generous with praise, often undeserved. They know what > > it's like to be unappreciated. > > > > Women get psychic as they age. You
  263. never have to confess your sins to > > a woman over 40. > > > > Once you get past a wrinkle or two, a woman over 40 is far sexier than > > her younger counterpart. > > > > Older women are forthright and honest. They'll tell you right off if > > you are a
  264. jerk, if you are acting like one. You don't ever have to > > wonder where you stand with her. > > > > Yes, we praise women over 40 for a multitude of reasons. > > Unfortunately, it's not reciprocal. For every stunning, smart, > > well-coiffed, hot woman
  265. over 40, there is a bald, paunchy relic in > > yellow pants making a fool of himself with some 22-year old waitress. > > Ladies, I apologize. > > > > For all those men who say, 'Why buy the cow when you can get the milk > > for free? Here's an update for
  266. you... Nowadays 80% of women are > > against marriage. Why? Because women realize it's not worth buying an > > entire pig just to get a little sausage! > > > > ________________________________ >
  267.  
  268. Begin forwarded message:
  269.  
  270. From:Fawaz Akhras
  271. Date:December 15, 2010 12:42:37 PM GMT+02:00
  272. To:sam
  273. Subject:British generosity
  274.  
  275. X
  276.  
  277. Sent from my iPhone
  278.  
  279.  
  280.  
  281.  
  282. Subject:British generosity
  283.  
  284.  
  285.  
  286.  
  287. It is said that a big earthquake hit Pakistan.
  288. Two million Pakistanis died and over a million are injured.
  289. The country is ruined and the government doesn't know where to start to rebuild.
  290. The world is in shock.
  291.  
  292. The USA is sending troops to help.
  293. Saudi Arabia is sending oil.
  294. Latin American countries are sending supplies.
  295. New Zealand is sending sheep, cattle and food crops.
  296. TheEastAsiansare sending labour to assist in rebuilding infrastructure.
  297. Australia is sending medical teams and supplies.
  298. Not to be outdone,
  299. Britainis sending back two million Pakistanis as replacements.
  300. . .
  301. God Bless British generosity...
  302.  
  303. ********************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************
  304. ****************************************************************************************************************
  305.  
  306. WOMEN WHO KNOW THEIR PLACE
  307.  
  308. Barbara Walters, of 20/20, did a story on gender roles in Kabul , Afghanistan , several years before the Afghan conflict. She noted that women customarily walked five paces behind their
  309. husbands.
  310.  
  311. She recently returned to Kabul and observed that women still walk behind their husbands. Despite the overthrow of the oppressive Taliban regime, the women now seem to, and are happy to,
  312. maintain the old custom.
  313.  
  314. Ms. Walters approached one of the Afghani women and asked, 'Why do you now seem happy with an old custom that you once tried so desperately to change?'
  315.  
  316. The woman looked Ms. Walters straight in the eyes, and without hesitation said, 'Land Mines.'
  317.  
  318. Moral of the story is (no matter what language you speak or where you go):
  319.  
  320.  
  321. BEHIND EVERY MAN, THERE'S A SMART WOMAN
  322. ****************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************
  323.  
  324.  
  325.    A nun goes to her head nun: “I was raped. What shall I
  326.      do?”
  327.  
  328.  
  329.  
  330.  
  331.             The head
  332.            nun answers: "Drink this most bitter tea with no
  333.            sugar"”
  334.            “Shall that bring my purity
  335.            and honor back?”
  336.            "No, but it shall take that
  337.            happy look off your face”
  338.  
  339. I love_this_Doctor!
  340.  
  341.  
  342. [cid:1.2221009115@web120613.mail.ne1.yahoo.com]
  343. Q: Doctor,  I've heard that  cardiovascular exercise can prolong life.  Is this true?
  344. A: Your heart only good for so many beats, and that it... Don't waste on exercise.  Everything
  345. wear out eventually.  Speeding up heart not make you live longer; it like saying you extend life
  346. of car by driving faster.  Want to live longer?  Take nap.  
  347.  
  348.  
  349. Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?  
  350. A:  No, not at all.  Wine made from fruit.  Brandy is distilled wine, that mean they take water
  351. out of fruity bit so you get even more of goodness that way.  Beer also made of grain.  Bottom up!
  352.  
  353. Q: How  can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
  354. A: Well, if you have body and you have fat, your ratio one to one.  If you have two bodies, your
  355. ratio two to one, etc.
  356.  
  357. Q: What  are some of  the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
  358. A: Can't think of single one, sorry.  My philosophy is: No pain...good!
  359.          
  360. Q:  Aren't fried foods bad for you?  
  361. A:  YOU NOT LISTENING!  Food are fried these day in vegetable oil.  In fact, they permeated by it.
  362.  How could getting more vegetable be bad for you?!?  
  363.  
  364. Q:  Will  sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
  365. A: Definitely not!  When you exercise muscle, it get bigger.  You should only be doing sit-up if
  366. you want bigger stomach.  
  367.  
  368. Q:  Is chocolate bad for me?  
  369. A:  Are you crazy?!?  HEL-LO-O!!  Cocoa bean!  Another vegetable!  It best feel-good food around!
  370.  
  371. Q:  Is swimming good for your figure?  
  372. A:  If swimming good for your figure, explain whale to me..
  373.  
  374. Q:  Is getting in shape important for my lifestyle?  
  375. A:  Hey!  'Round' is shape!  
  376.  
  377. Well... I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.
  378.  
  379. And  remember:  
  380.  
  381.  
  382. Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive
  383. and well-preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in
  384. the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming "WOO-HOO, what a ride!!"
  385.    
  386. AND.....
  387.  
  388. For  those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health.  It's a
  389. relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies.  
  390.  
  391. 1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
  392.  
  393. 2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
  394.  
  395. 3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
  396.  
  397. 4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans..  
  398.  
  399. 5. The Germans drink a lot of beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart
  400. attacks than Americans.
  401.  
  402. CONCLUSION:
  403.  
  404. Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.