Not a lot of time so I’ll keep this short. My brother works in a silver mine in South America. I can’t tell you what country. He was recently down in the mine and found something extremely valuable. He should have told his supervisor but he kept it for himself. He did a stupid thing and told several coworkers about it. They reported him to management. Fortunately one of his friends gave him a heads up before they were able to arrest him, and he was able to leave the country. A lot of dangerous men are after my brother (also named Dwayne). He’s currently living on my couch. We haven’t heard anything about the men after my brother, but he believes it’s inevitable that they will track him to my apartment. Here’s the problem. My brother won’t stop fucking the couch. He’s so worried he can’t do anything but fuck the couch. I tell him, Dwayne, please, stop fucking the couch. My neighbors don’t know he’s staying with me so they think I’m talking to myself. They wrote “Couch Fucker?” on my car in shaving cream. I am not the couch fucker. It’s my brother, who looks exactly like me. He won’t stop having sex with my couch. How can you fuck a couch that you sleep on? I don’t understand. It’s disgusting and pathetic. If dad were still alive he would be ashamed of Dwayne (my brother, not me). I’m not the guy who runs this account, by the way. That guy is fucking the couch. My brother is a nuisance and a bastard. He has really gotten into trouble this time. We’re identical twins. I can’t believe the mess he’s got us both in. I could easily be mistaken for my brother due to us having the same appearance and name. My brother is a coward. He was dishonest with his employers and now both of our lives are in danger. I love my brother more than anything but there is no coming back from this. He’s ruined us. I’m going to be afraid forever now. These men have beheaded labor organizers, massacred workers on strike, even assassinated a few mid-level political figures whose interests did not intersect with their own. I’m never going to feel safe again. I’m never going to be safe again. I wish they would just kill my brother. One of us has to die. I would rather be dead than live in this state of fear. I hate that my brother won’t stop screwing the couch. He’s so anxious. He never did this before. He fucks the couch out of anxiety. It’s an awful thing to witness. He’s going to be shot in the street like a dog. They’re going to machine gun him. Anyway, fave, RT, and for god’s sake, I follow back, and I should expect the same from you.