A Very Maggie Holiday Special

A Very Maggie Holiday Special

It was a dark and stormy afternoon. Nothing could be seen through the thick, grey clouds and heavy winds tore at the sails of the Damp Broad while pouring rains battered the deck (as well as the three unfortunate young women standing there). The ship was being thrown forwards, backwards, and all around by the storm as bolts of lightning crackled overhead. Things weren't looking very good to say the least.

“I knew we shouldn't have gone through the Straits of Ominous Weather today!” Captain Maggie snarled, clutching a sodden map in one hand. Ame was at the wheel, trying to keep the ship flying straight. She was probably crying, but it was hard to tell with all the rain. Beatrix, meanwhile, was attempting to follow Maggie's inscrutable order to swab the deck even as the rain poured down. “It doesn't look like it's getting any better,” Maggie muttered as the winds ripped something loose from the ship and sent it hurtling inches past her face.

Suddenly, something became visible through the storm: Another ship! As the Damp Broad came up alongside it, the features of the other ship became clearer. It was a broken hulk, with many holes in the hull, tattered sails, and an eerie, almost indiscernible blue glow around it. Yet despite the damage, it seemed to be floating calmly in the storm.

“Hey, another ship!” Maggie cried excitedly. “Let's take cover inside and wait out the storm!”

“What? That doesn't make any sense,” Beatrix complained to her captain as she tried in vain to wring out her mop. “We have a perfectly fine ship, mostly, but that one looks like it could come apart at any second!”

“Captain's orders!” Maggie snarled back, waving the dissolving map threateningly at her swabbie. “We're gonna board that creepy ship and you're all gonna like it! Take us in, Ame!” With that, the ship's mage/helmswoman brought the Damp Broad alongside the derelict ship and Maggie politely ushered her crew on-board at cutlass-point.

The deck of the spooky wreck creaked and swayed ominously beneath the feet of the intrepid girls. Strange lights filtered through the gaps in the planks despite the old ship's lanterns being unlit. Whenever lightning struck overhead, the girls thought they could see figures out of the corners of their eyes, yet when they looked closer, nothing was there.

“Wh-what if there are ghosts here?” Ame asked nervously.

“Ghosts? Oh my god! How could I have been so foolish?!” Maggie gasped, clapping her hands to her cheeks dramatically. “How could I... have let Beatrix talk us into boarding this ship?!” The captain thrust an accusing finger toward her bespectacled underling.

“Whoa, what?” Beatrix snapped. “You were the one that insisted we come on-board!”

“Uh-uh, no way!” Maggie insisted, glaring maliciously. “I'd never do something that dumb, so it must be your fault!”

“It's not too late to go back to our ship,” Ame suggested, trying to be helpful.

“Noooooooo, we're stuuuuuck heeeeere!” Maggie lamented dramatically, “We're just going to have to look around this old ship for any shelter and/or loot. Come on!” Their captain aggressively beckoned them the stairs to the lower decks.

“Did any of that make sense to you?” Beatrix asked Ame.

“Nnnot really,” replied the bemused sorceress. “But we should probably follow her or she'll get really cranky.”

With an exasperated sigh, Beatrix followed her two crewmates. The stairs leading down looked rotten, and the lower decks were completely dark. The entire doorway seemed like some creepy monster waiting to swallow anyone foolish enough to step inside. Nervously, the three descended.


The old stairs groaned with each step Maggie and her crew took down into the dark bowels of the broken ship. Thankfully, they held and the girls made it safely to the bottom, but darkness loomed before them.

“Ame!” Maggie snapped, giving the mage a sharp jab in the side, “Give us some light will'ya?! What am I paying you for??” The captain's order momentarily snapped Ame out of the fearful daze she was in, and she dutifully conjured an orb of light in her hands. The light was weak, however, only replacing the darkness with dim shadows that danced frightfully at the edges of the girls' vision.

“What's the deal? Is your magic broken?” the captain demanded.

“Um, n-no,” Ame replied uncertainly. “I think there's some kinda interference, maybe? It, uh, there might be something here that c-could be trying to--”

“Yeah, yeah, whatever!” Maggie confidently shoved her way to the front of the group. “We'll worry about that later. Just, like, put more juice into it. That works, right?”

Ame looked doubtful, but did her best anyway. She channeled more of her magic into her light spell and successfully illuminated more of the hall. She suddenly wished she hadn't.

“Wow,” Beatrix said in a deadpan as she adjusted her glasses, “How terribly unexpected.”

All along the walls, written in what appeared to be fresh blood, were the words “GET OUT” over and over again.

“Didn't we run into this before?” Beatrix asked, “Maybe we should, like, listen to the warnings this time?”

“Ha ha, what?” Maggie replied with a dumb grin, “It's just ambience! Besides, everyone knows ghost ships have the best treasure! Not that this is a ghost ship!!”

Ame and Beatrix exchanged glances. “Oh. Well, I'm convinced,” the swabbie replied, sounding entirely unconvinced. Ame just shrugged even though she looked worried.

“Come on, you cowards!” Maggie barked, “Let's go!”

And so the fearless or foolish group ventured deeper into the ghost ship. The halls stretched on further than should have been possible, and by the time they arrived at a four-way intersection, they were completely lost.

“Great! Where are we?!” demanded Maggie.

“Um, I lost track about five corners ago,” Ame whimpered.

“I know where we are,” muttered Beatrix. “We're lost on a death-trap of a ship that's probably full of ghosts, or worse, because our Captain is completely nuts!”

Nostrils flaring, Maggie stuck her face uncomfortably close to Beatrix's. “I'm getting tired of your lip, swabbie! I make the decisions around here and if you have a problem with that you can walk the plank!”

Beatrix stared back, lips curled in a snarl and ready to retort, but all of a sudden she just stepped back with a smirk. “You know what? At this rate, the next thing you're going to tell us to do is to split up, so I'm just gonna get a head start on that. Maybe if I'm lucky the monsters will eat you first.” With a sarcastic wave, Beatrix went down a random corridor and quickly disappeared from sight.

“I don't like her attitude, but at least she has initiative,” grumbled Maggie. “Alright crew! The rest of us had better split up! If you find any treasure, you'd better not take it before me!” The words were hardly out of Maggie's mouth before she was also dashing down one of the derelict's corridors.

“B-but how will I find you?!” Ame pleaded to the emptiness. But there was no response. The little mage found herself alone. Mustering all of her determination, she struck out in the direction she thought she saw her captain run. It was only now that she noticed she could hardly hear the storm that should be raging outside: The place was unnaturally quiet.

As Ame passed by a partially open door, she thought she could hear someone, or something, shuffling around inside. With a quiet gulp, she opened the door wider to get a peek. The old rusted hinges gave out a distressed groan that sounded like it could have woken the dead. Yet nothing stirred. Inside, the room appeared to be a large cabin, or a small study. There was a desk covered in books and papers, and stranger still there was the stub of a candle still burning. Ame made her way to the desk and take a look at the papers.

Then she heard something move behind her.

With a yelp she spun around and flung a poorly aimed firebolt in the general direction of the sound. The magic attack burst against the far bulkhead and briefly illuminated the figure of a large person.

“O-oh! I'm sorry!” Ame exclaimed. “Um, are you... do you live here? I'm looking for my friends....” The figure didn't respond and continued to stand in the corner silently. “Um....?” Ame held her light spell out in front of her to try and get a better look. Once again, she regretted it.

“Grugh,” said the half-rotted figure.

Ame screamed. Then she ran. She wasn't even sure if the zombie as chasing her or not, but she wasn't about to look behind her to see. She had no idea where she was going, so she just ran down the passages randomly until she found an open door. Throwing herself into the room, she slammed the door shut behind her and tried to catch her breath. It took her a moment to realize that she had stumbled into some sort of weird library.

Lanterns on the walls cast a dim haze in the dusty air, and Ame's elven ears could pick up the sound of pages rustling somewhere deeper in the room, among the towering book shelves. Ame thought that maybe she should run again. Then she shook her head and decided that she ought to investigate. Maybe she could catch this monster by surprise. Trying not to let her legs shake too much, Ame crept forward and peered around the aisle.

Whatever was around the corner seemed to remain unaware of Ame's presence. The little mage quietly chanted the words to a magical attack, and then leapt around the corner.

“Aha! Got you—aahhh!!” Ame's lightning bolt sizzled past a green-haired head.

“Oh. Hello,” said Ame's bespectacled compatriot, looking up from a book she was leafing through. “For a second, I thought you were a monster.”

“That's what I was gonna say!” Ame replied, still amazed at running into Beatrix like this. “What are you even doing here?” she asked.

“Oh, just reading,” Beatrix said, holding the book open Ame could look. A quick look revealed that the pages were filled with nothing but “You're gonna die” over and over again.

“The narrative needs work, but at least it has a cohesive theme,” said Beatrix.

“Um, that doesn't worry you? Wait, how do I know you're really Beatrix?!” Ame jumped back, arms raised to defend herself from any number of imagined attacks. “You seem too calm for being in such a spooky place!”

“Oh, please!” Beatrix groaned, adding in an eye roll for effect. “After Maggie dragged us down here, there's only two outcomes: We all die horribly, or we somehow survive due to stupid luck. Either way, there's no point worrying about it.”

“I... guess you have a point?” Ame didn't sound completely convinced. “But! I saw a zombie! It chased me here! There could be other monsters!”

“Really? I've been here since I left you all and nothing's bothered me since. I'm sure we'll be fine. ...Why did you suddenly go pale?”

Ame was staring in horror at something behind Beatrix. The swabbie wondered if she didn't turn around, if whatever was behind her was just going to keep waiting. But knowing she had to look, Beatrix slowly turned her head until she was staring at two pin-pricks of blood-red light in the middle of a black mist.

“It's a spectre!” Ame shouted in panic! The two pirates didn't waste any time and immediately bolted. The dark spectre gave chase.

'Don't run. Stay here forever.' The monster seemed to speak, but its words were like an icy wind blowing through the girls' brains. It was really weird and uncomfortable.

“No! I wanna go home!” Ame cried.

“I'd be happy with just getting outta here! Ame! Why don't you blast this monster, huh??”

“O-oh! I'll try!” Ame turned around, skimming through the air an inch off the ground, and unleashed a blast of fire at the dark creature. The flames just went through it. “Oh, that's right!” she said brightly, “My magic just goes right through ghosts!”

“Great! Just great!” Beatrix snapped.

“U-um… keep running??” Ame suggested.

'No, really guys, I just want to hang out.' The spectre hissed into their minds. 'I haven’t met anyone new in years.'

The strange request brought the two girls to a halt, and they stared at each other trying to see if the other could tell if this monster was being for real. Both looked confused. There was an awkward pause as they tried to decide who should speak first.

“Uh, really? Is that right?” Beatrix asked, uncertain how to approach this. “You’re sure you aren’t actually trying to, like, drain our souls or something?”

'I mean, I could do that, sure,' the dark, misty beast “said.” The girls winced. 'But taking someone’s soul really drains the life out of them, if you know what I mean.' It paused. 'Pun not intended.'

“Er. Well, you see, the thing is, um,” Beatrix stuttered, sweat beading on her forehead. “We’d really love to stay here and, uh, hang with you, but, um….”

“But we have to get our captain’s permission first!” Ame broke in. Beatrix gave the mage a quick thumbs up. “Have you seen her anywhere? She has blue hair, an eyepatch, and uh, usually goes like this.” Ame did her best impression of Maggie scowling.

The spectre seemed to consider this. 'Yeah, I think I saw someone like that. She went that way.' It held out a shadowy claw and pointed down one of the hallways. 'I thought about saying hello to her, but something about her really freaked me out. She’s kind of scary, you know?'

“Uh, yeah? Well, thanks! We’ll be ri~ight back!” Ame gave Beatrix a little tug and the two pirates scampered down the indicated corridor.

“Wow, I can’t believe you pulled that off!” Beatrix congratulated Ame. “I thought we were goners when your magic turned out to be totally useless!”

“Ha ha ha… y-yeah….” Ame mumbled. “A-anyway, maybe the captain is in here?” The two girls had come to the end of the hall, where a large double door was waiting for them. The rotting wood of the doors were braced with rusting iron, and skull-shaped handles. Neither of the girls could be certain, but it sounded like the iron skulls were groaning indistinctly, the sound hovering just at the edge of their senses.

“Really?” Beatrix scoffed at the doors. “Who would build something like this on a ship? Did they plan for this to be a ghost ship or something?”

“Actually!” Ame said brightly, “When a place becomes haunted, if the spirits inside are strong enough, they can actually change the haunted location’s, or the haunt’s, physical properties. Because the magic in the ghosts actually infuses the place with spiritual energy, increasing the haunt’s morphic properties a great deal. So the haunting spirits often change the location to better suit their preferences and--”

“Okay, okay!” Beatrix snapped. “I still think it’s tacky. Anyway, let’s do this.” She took hold of one of the skull handles and yanked with all her might. The door slowly swung open, groaning and scraping against the floor as it revealed the room beyond.
“'Sup chumps?” a voice from inside the room called out.

Ame seemed bewildered and Beatrix looked confused and mad. There was Maggie, cutlass drawn and lounging atop a pile of bodies in an otherwise empty room. The captain looked unharmed and unconcerned.

“What took you guys so long? I've been so busy chopping up bad guys that I kinda lost track of you!”

“No way,” Beatrix said, gesturing sharply, “There's no way you did this yourself!”

“Haha whaaaat??” Maggie laughed, sliding down the corpse pile. “Are you saying I just stumbled into this room and found a pile of dead bodies already here and just, like, sat on it this whole time waiting for someone to find me? You think I'd do something like that??” Maggie looked so manically unconcerned about the accusation that she could just carve up the first person that got within sword reach of her. “Hahaha! That'd be soooo weird!”

“I.... Yeah. Yeah. That would be weird,” Beatrix sighed.

“Captain!!” Ame rushed forward. “I'm so glad you're ok! I ran into monster, and then another monster that was actually Beatrix, and then another monster that chased us here!” Ame very nearly gave Maggie a big hug, but Maggie was holding too many pointy things to make that a safe call.

“Oh cool. But did you find any treasure? I only found all these... corpses.” Maggie gestured vaguely in the body pile. “This has got to be the most disappointing haunted ship I've been on so far.” The captain gave one of the bodies a swift kick. There was a meaty thud. “Yeah, this sucks. Let’s just get outta here!”

‘Oh hey guys.’ The chill aura of the spectre swept into the room. ‘I see you found my corpse room. I spent several years putting it together. I hope you like it.’ If a semi-humanoid bunch of black mist with glowing red eyes for a face could look plaintive, this spectre did.

Maggie had the look of someone with her hand caught in the cookie jar. Or, in this case, the corpse jar. “O-oh yeah?? So where did you get all the corpses from, huh?” She was sweating bullets, but trying to act cool.

‘Easy. Those were all the people who came here but wouldn’t be my friends.’ There was an incredibly uncomfortable silence as the three pirates all looked at each other. Ame and Beatrix looked nervous while Maggie was annoyed. She looked like she was going to say something incredibly stupid.

“Who’d want to be your friend? You’re a weird ghost and you make my brain hurt!” Maggie snarled. “So unless you have any treasure for us to steal, we’re outta here!”

The spectre’s black, misty form roiled with rage and its red eyes flashed with menace. ‘You won’t be my friends then? Fine! Prepare to meet your doom!’ With a dramatic wave of its hand, the bodies in the pile all began to rise. Then most of them promptly tripped over each other. But then they rose again!

“So, still wanna take them all on?” Beatrix asked her captain, quietly hoping that the answer would be a yes.

“Uh, you know what, I’ll let you guys deal with them this time. See ya!” With a hearty slap to Beatrix and Ame’s backs, Maggie made a mad dash for the doors. Her loyal crewmates were not far behind her.

‘After them!’ the spectre shrieked to its shambling minions. Slowly but surely, the legion of undead plodded after the fleeing pirates. However, the zombies were the least of Maggie and Crew’s concern. As they raced through the ship’s halls doors slammed in front of them and passageways twisted themselves around all in an attempt to keep the girls from escaping.

“How is this happening?!” Beatrix groaned.

“U-um, remember what I was saying about morphic fields and stuff?” Ame said between huffs and puffs.

“The what about what?” Maggie asked.

“Nevermind, it doesn’t matter now!” Beatrix snapped. “We have to find a way to get back to the deck before we’re stuck here forever!” She growled as a door swung shut in front of her, and she yanked desperately on the handle to no avail. Then Maggie swiftly shoved her aside.

“Oh, is that all? I got this.” With a single, hefty kick the captain knocked the door down. Pausing only long enough to laugh victoriously, Maggie led her bewildered companions onward. A few doors later, it seemed like they were making progress. They finally broke their way into a long hall, and they could see murky light at the end.

“This way!” Maggie shouted, running towards the light. Beatrix and Ame were close behind. Suddenly, zombies burst in through the walls.

“Oh no!” Beatrix shrieked.

Ame cried.

“Is that all?” Maggie remarked casually as she beheaded a zombie with her cutlass. “You'll need to do better than that!” She easily dispatched several more undead fiends, but more kept coming.

“There's no time to fight them all,” Beatrix urged, “We can still make it out of here.”

“You're not the boss of me!” Maggie snarled. “But I don't wanna hang around here all day so, fine!” She took a few more swipes at the walking corpses before following her crew to the end of the hall and up onto the ghost ship's deck. The storm was still raging all around them, but they were one step closer to getting back to their own ship. Unfortunately, there was a small problem.

The deck was swarming with the undead, blocking the path back to the Damp Broad. As soon as the girls were visible, they all started to close in. From below, the spectre rushed out in all its malevolence. 'Get them!!' it howled.

“What are we going to do?!” asked Beatrix, completely out of ideas.

“Hm, it'd take too long to just cut them all up,” Maggie mused. “I know! Ame! Do magic! Summon something to take them all out at once!”

Ame looked hesitant. “U-um, I can try! But doing something like that is r-really hard.”

“Just do it!!” Maggie yelled.

“O-okay! I'll do my best, captain!” Closing her eyes to focus, Ame started to chant arcane words. Maggie and Beatrix did their best to fend off the zombies while their mage cast the spell. Even though Maggie was killing zombies left and right, there seemed to be an endless tide. Just as things seemed grim, a great sound resonated through the air.

“GOBBLE GOBBLE GOOOOBBLE~!”

A majestically plump bird with a fan of tail feathers and really weird head soared above the ghost ship. With another mighty Gobble it landed on the deck and unleashed a radiance that disintegrated all of the zombies as well as the friendless spectre.

'Noooo!' it shrieked as its misty form was ripped apart. 'This can't be happening! I mean, this is really ridiculous I literally can't bellieve iiiiiiit--!!'

Then the rotund bird flapped its mighty wings and the storm surrounding the ghost ship was dispersed, leaving only a bright, clear sky. Maggie and her crew were saved! All thanks to the strength

“and brilliance of Captain Maggie!” Maggie said. “Then the giant bird graciously allowed us to eat of its flesh, and that's how the first Thanksgiving happened!” She looked at her two crewmates for their reaction.

“None of that ever happened,” Beatrix said, condescension dripping from her voice. “We'd have known about it, since you put us in the story!”

Ame was too busy eating to say much, but managed to get out “I liked it!” between bites.

“That's why you're my second in command, Ame,” Maggie said. “You've got taste.” She glared at Beatrix. Beatrix rolled her eyes.

“Oh!” Ame suddenly exclaimed, “Captain! You should tell us about the time you rescued that jolly fat man and saved Christmas!”

“Ha ha, okay!” Maggie chuckled, taking a heaping serving of mashed sweet potatoes as Beatrix groaned in the background. “It all started one snowy night....”