Night Rain: Chapter Twelve "Enjeru"

It’s the hardest decision anyone should never have to make.  To continue living or end it. I would be lucky to be thinking rationally at this moment, when I need reason most of all. Instead, I’m a wreck, a mess. Some people struggle with this question on a day to day basis. This? This soul-rending heartache and torture? Every day for the rest of my life? That’s not living; it’s rebuilding a sand castle on a beach in monsoon season. A futile delay of the inevitable.
No, I can’t. Not yet. I need to think this out some more and the wind is picking up, chilling me to the bone. The heavens themselves have loosed their full fury upon me to break my will. As if nature is trying to push me back onto the path, denying me my right to choose to act upon my feelings. The whole scene is surreal almost, scripted even. At any moment I should expect Megumi or Shizune or Misha to burst through the doors in an attempt to stop me. What a tearjerker that would be.
And yet I’m not crying. For one of the most challenging, draining episodes of my life, I’m restrained. I’m broken, I think. After running around living up to roles people fabricated for me, expectations subjectively set, I find that I can’t live up to my self-image. And that doesn’t bring me to tears. Then again, why should I cry for myself when no one else genuinely has? They took me for granted. I’ll show them. I’ll make them miss me. They’ll see, they’ll all see how much they needed me. And their lives will be empty because of it.
Or they’ll move on and forget about me. I’ll be “that girl” never again given a name. So I was nothing to them, I would become nothing. A part of a great nothing that will one day consume me. Why fight what cannot be defeated? I n-need to get back on that ledge and just do it. I don’t even have to try that hard. Just lean forward and let gravity do the rest.
But, I need to know. Am I right about this? Is my life really meaningless or does it just seem that way? After all, I was born. I must have meant something at some point to my parents. Unless it was more they had hope in their expectations and I was the closest thing they had? I can’t do this. Not with so many unknown, uncertain answers. Yes, it feels so right. But is it right? How would I even know? If I asked them, they would surely tell me I mean something to me. But that could be a lie. One in an endless string of lies spun for years. Why not put it at an end? Take back some of the power from those whom have held it over me for so long.
I…I need help. I need someone. Anyone.
No. No, I don’t. They’d tell me not to jump. To fight the good fight and all that horseshit as we’ve been trained to recite. They wouldn’t understand. I can’t summarize years in minutes with the same effect as it’s had on me. And for them to even listen to me, they’d have to care at least minimally about me, which would be nobody. So nobody is going to come for me. Nobody was ever going to come for me. Not that I want to be a helpless princess in a tower. I can do things. But I can’t really look for help stranded in a tower in the middle of nowhere off the beaten path. And it doesn’t look like anyone is going to be coming for quite some time. Let it never be said that I didn’t try to escape my surroundings.
The wind howls around me as I mount the edge of the roof. The view is as uncertain as my fate as the school grounds are obscured by sheets of heavy rain. I find myself thinking about the story of the footprints in the sand. How God said He carried the man through the hard times. His hands are only so big, though. They’re not holding everyone. Not me, at least.
“So…you’re going to do it?”
“WHA?”
Standing behind me under a white umbrella is an angel.
A motherfucking angel. Golden hair, white robes…wait those aren’t robes. That’s a uniform. A Yamaku uniform.
“Who-who are you?”
“Enomoto. Saki Enomoto. And, if anything, it should be me on that ledge instead of you.”
“Why are you here? How?”
“I was walking by when I saw someone on the roof. I love taking walks in the rain. Makes you appreciate the sunshine. They’re not as quick to lock the place up on weekends.”
“Why should you be on the ledge? There’s nothing wrong with you.”
She chuckles. I didn’t know I was a comedienne.
“I have a degenerative disorder. Eventually I’ll die a slow, agonizing death well before my time, and there’s nothing I can do about it.”
“Then why haven’t you?”
“Every day is a gift, every hour is golden, every minute is a diamond. Life is wonderful, you know!"
“No, I wouldn’t know. Every minute of my life has been a carefully constructed lie.”
“Has it now? Every feeling you’ve ever felt, every day of sunshine or rain, every bump and scrape, everything was all arranged for your sake?”
“N-no, but-,”
“Your life is what you make it. People might have plans for you, but you don’t have to go along with them.”
“What do you think I’m trying to do right now?”
“Catch pneumonia.”
“I’m making a s-statement. To those who used me. That I’m not gonna take it anymore!”
“Cute. But they can’t exactly hear you when you’re dead.”
“Actions speak louder than words, don’t they?”
“Is it a contest of volume? Of quantity of sound over its quality?”
“I…I don’t know. I’m so confused.”
“I can only imagine. From what I remember, it’s a lot for one person to handle.”
“R-remember?”
“I had an older brother. Kenshin. I loved him dearly. He helped carry us through hard times by getting a part time job when we needed the money. He gave so much of himself to others, even when he had little to spare.”
“Had?”
“Why don’t we go inside? It’s a bit long of a story to tell in this sort of weather.”
“O-ok.”
“Here, take my hand. I wouldn’t want you to slip, dear.”
I grab onto this…angel, this Saki. Whose hands are so soft that they should never know struggle. Whose smile warms and melts your heart even in the coldest of rains. What other name fits her besides…enjeru. For the first time today, I am at peace. I can’t hold it back any longer. Once she shuts the doors, I collapse unto her, inadvertently knocking both of us down. A hard metal pole in my side makes me realize that she actually has trouble walking, but that’s the least of my priorities as I just cry into her. She wraps her arms around me, like a mother her child, even though I’m dripping wet.
“Let it out. It’s ok. Just let it out.”
That’s all I can do. For what feels like hours, I can do nothing but cry. This girl has saved my life tonight. Without being asked or obligated, she saved me. S-sure, it might be only because of a general love of life in all its forms, but I’ll take anything at this point. Any beacon of golden light in the sea of troubles.
“When you give so much of yourself to others, there’s little left for yourself for personal investment. He never had time to be Kenshin. He was always that back up fry cook or that cripple’s brother or whatever people needed him to be. It became too much for him. Whatever friends he managed to keep after high school and university were busy living their own lives and one by one they dropped out of his life.
“He did his best to hold on, but everything just kept slipping from his grasp. Soon he lost his job and found himself unqualified to find any other job. We were worried about him, but everyone expected him to bounce back like he always did.”
She’s starting to choke up. It must hurt her to have to think about this again, and for a stranger. I do the only thing I can think of to make her better. My arms go around her chest in the most loving of embraces I could ever give. I want her to know. I’m here for her as she was for me. Looking deep into her eyes, I can see she understands.
“It was a Monday. I was only 6 years old. I had gotten a 100 on my math homework that Kenshin helped me with and I wanted to share the good news with him. Th-the door to his room felt heavy – heavier than it should have. I finally got the door open and his room was dark. It was usually open and sunny. But then, it was dark. Dark everywhere. And there was Kenshin, just sitting next to his bed. So I walked over to him.
‘Oniichan! Look! I passed my homework! Look! It was all thanks to you, Oniichan!’
“I kept waving the piece of paper in front of his face, but he didn’t move an inch.
‘Oniichan! Is this some sort of game? I want to play with you!’
“And so I sat there with him. As still as I could, trying to win. I kept sneaking glances.
‘How are you so good at this, Kenshin? Tell me! Please? If you don’t, I’ll tell mom you were being mean!’
“And still he said nothing.”
Her eyes…they’re shrinking. She’s replaying the entire scene in her head. Living through the nightmare all over again.
“ ‘Oniichan, why aren’t you talking to me? Is something wrong?’
“I poked his leg. No response.
‘Oniichan! I don’t like this! Say something to your sister? Please?’
‘Oniichan? ONIICHAN!’”
Saki’s shaking now. Violently. She’s crying. As hard as I was. As hard as I am. How can I be happy when she’s so sad?
“S-saki, I,”
“No, no. You asked. And I told you. Sadly that story gets slightly easier to tell every time.”
“Really?”
“No. It hurts just as deep.”
“I’m sorry.”
“It was never your fault. In a way, it made me a better person because it taught me a greater appreciation for something he always used to say to me.
“Every day is a gift, every hour is golden, every minute is a diamond. Life is wonderful, you know.”
“S-saki?”
“Hm?”
“I d-don’t think I can be alone tonight.”
“What’s your name?”
“My what?”
My brain is a drained sludge. Facts are, for the moment, meaningless.
“Name, dear. What, you think I’m gonna spend the night with someone and not ask their name?”
Her joke and smirk bring back some laughter to what was otherwise a despondent heart.”
“Aiko.”
“Ok, Aiko. Let’s go back to your room. From the looks of things, you’ll need a fresh set of clothes. And I might, as well.”
“Sorry about that.”
“Never be sorry. Sorry is an empty idea.”
“O-ok.”
We lift ourselves off the floor, but I can’t bring myself to let go of Saki.
“Aiko-san, are you some sort of magnet person clinging on to me like this?”
“N-no, I ju--”
“Because I think you’re very attractive.”
“D-doushio…”
“Beg your pardon?”
“D-do you?”
“You’re a very pretty girl, Aiko. I see much potential in you.”
What? No. Not again.
“Aiko? Did I say something?”
“What do you mean potential?”
“I mean that if you put your mind to it, you can do anything that you want to do.”
“That I want to do?”
“Well of course, silly. Who else would you want to do things for?”
You.
“J-just making sure.”
“Aiko, it’s ok. You can hold on to me, but on two conditions.”
“Yes?”
“You carry the umbrella,”
“Alright.”
“And me.”
O-oh my.
“I wouldn’t want to let go regardless.”