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So we went on a cruise. My mom and I that is. We have been bustin our butts for the last 11 years and decided a vacation was in order. You see. My mom and I are the family. Us two and of course our two best friends molly and DOG. We have been through the tough times and have had a rough go of it I guess you could say. It all started with football. Ever since I started football in the third grade life for me has changed. Working our schedules around practices and games… making sure were home for off season training and sign-ups for pop warner. You could say we are pretty busy people. My mom and I came here to Arizona with my dad. We came to this awful dreaded place because of a job opportunity that turned out to be a disaster. My mom was a dealer and my dad was a floor manager. They both worked long hours at casino Arizona. The newest casino in Arizona at the time. It seemed like things were going well at first. Then it all went down hill. My mom got sick of the crooks and my dad got screwed out of his job. After that he never worked again to this day. My mom on the other hand went out and got her realtors license and began selling homes. She was very successful during the prime time of our market. My mom raked in all the dough while my dad sat at a bar and bet all his money away on horses while he got drunk and hit on raunchy women. And to be honest with you. It seemed as though everything was fine. I started football. Jr. peewee team called the bruisers. We weren’t very good. But I didn’t know any better. I just played because I enjoyed it. I wasn’t very good at first either, i just loved to hit people. Life seemed well though. Years went by. I started to grow stronger and stronger as I trained harder and harder to become the best athlete I could be. me being me i was a bit cocky.  And before you knew it. Your whole life was sports and school.and the only vacations we took were weekend trips to california to get away from my dad.we mustve gone to cali at least 20 weekends a year back then. we couldnt much else because of off season training. this is when jr high started. Jr high was a whole different experience for me. I knew tons of people i had met from football and from my elementary school that i felt right at home at my jr high. Life was good i had tons of friends and not a worry in the world. I was still playin football and i actually wrestled as well. We all know what happens to most people in jr high. they find their first girlfriend. nothing special just puppy love. and i had found mine. she was ok, red hair petite, seemed nice and everybody liked her. She was one of the more popular girls. her and i were togehter for a while.... and things were goin well... we dated and broke up and dated and broke up.... and at the end of my 7th grade year we had broken up and she had invited me over cuz we were still friends.... i went to her house and we hung out for a bit. She said "well, arent you gonna kiss me?"(cuz thats all kids knew how to do back in those days) and so i did. it felt wierd though. that monday at school i went and told people that we may get back together and ran my mouth like a normal 13 year old kid would... only to find out that she was dating someone.... a guy named taime..... i had no idea who this guy was but i knew he was really popular cuz everyone knew him.... being to late as i had already told people about my weekend, taime got wind and life started goin down the tubes..... soon as i could even comprehend what was going on i found myself getting jumped in dark locker rooms and have rocks, spit, waterbottles, and who knows what else thrown at me during passing periods. but that wasnt all of it..... even in the classroom with teachers watching, kids i didnt even know would start making fun of me.... i couldnt even open my mouth without someone saying something or laughing.... i didnt know what to do... i guess i just went along with it..... till one day in math class a couple of cops came and escorted me to the office..... come to find out that my mom had my cell phone and i had recieved texts from random numbers threatening to shoot me and kill me..... scared my mom called the police and i was withdrew from school.... two weeks went by and i was relieved.... i heard about a brand new school that had opened up that same year and i figured i would go there and know nobody.... i went to this jr high and things started off really well... i was making friends and having a good time.... and then i ran into an old friend i used to hang out with all the time outside of school.... she used to hang out with my brother and i.... and my buddy justin who was my best friend at the time..... her name was kaleigh..... and come to find out she was pretty popular.... probably the most sought after girl in the school..... and her being the only person i really knew i spent most of my free time talking to her..... we would hug eachother during passing periods in a friendly way.... and i guess her boyfriend.... you guessed it, the most popular guy in school saw.... he didnt think anything of it though..... we were actually pretty tight..... till one day a couple of his buddies told him that i had grabbed kaleighs tits..... yeah sounds random.... but it wasnt.... these kids were actually kids i knew from elementary school.... shane and nick sartin..... couple of loud mouth bullies who liked to pick on everybody..... one day after school i had witnessed them picking on a girl and ordered them to stop..... they stopped,,,, and came after me..... i had fought them off and my dad and brother watched..... those kids ended up getting expelled from school and i got no punishment..... till years later..... those kids told him and he told all his buddies..... and soon enough 2 weeks into the brand new school i found myself cornered by a good 20 kids or so..... now i have no friends and no school..... later on i ened up at a charter school my mom threw me in just to finish out my 8th grade year..... lol.... didnt happen.... i ened up doing well there at first as well.... and then it went down the drain.... i ended up getting into many fights... very blody fights..... for stupid reasons.... one kid came up behind me and shoved my head into the wall while i was pissin in the urinal..... but thats neither here nor there..... with no friends and an extreme state of depression the only thing i had to look forward to everyday was coming home to my grandma.... the only person in the world who truly got me....she did everything in her power to take my mind off of the shit goin on in my life... and to keep me from having suicidal thoughts..... she was my best friend at the time..... she was there for me..... that was the one thing i knew i could count on.... christmas time came around and my family was a huge christmas going, tree decorating, xmas lighting extravaganza.... every year..... being that my dad was never really part of the family my mom would have all her family come out and celebrate xmas with us.... i used to remember my grandma cooking bacon and eggs and toast and the best oatmeal you could imagine..... and the best part about it was it was ready and hot right when i woke up and went down the stairs.....and tons of presents under the tree..... my uncle with his star trek and my aunt with her dogs.... everyone had a smile on their face and xmas time was the only time no one had a worry in the world.....well, this year it wasnt. it was the xmas of my 8th grade year..... my grandma and i were playing cards like usual... and i went downstair to get her a glass of water.... thats when my dad got a phone call from my aunt... i can hear her screaming through the phone..... my dad trying to figure out wat she was saying with my mom standing there confused..... screaming.... you dont know the meaning of the word till you experience it.... i looked at my dad worriedly and my mom.... and then my dads face..... like the muscles in his chin and cheeks cramping and his eyes sink to the back of his head.... his neck no longer has the strength to hold up his head anymore and he mutters with his head down.... russ is dead..... my mom screams and drops to the floor..... all the while my grandma upstairs innocent and ignorant of the situation..... im 14 years old now..... i go out to my backyard and scream, cursing at god.... why would you do this! how could you do this to us! i go back inside and get the water.... take my grandma to bed.... my aunt walks in the door..... 2 cigarettes lit and burning in her mouth.... i try to calm her down..... my mom is going nuts...... nothing i can do will get them to shut up.... thats when i said.... we have to be calm for grandma! and they shut up.... of course they told me.... nick... you have to tell her.... shes your best friend...... so i walked up the stairs with my family closely behind.... and we walk in the door, my grandma reading her book.... she knows somethings wrong..... she starts crying already..... she doesnt even know what happened yet..... i sat down next to her and gave her a hug...... uncle russ has passed away grandma..... the feeling in my stomach making me want to puke.... watching my family fall apart on me and the worst part.... hearing my grandma sob on my shoulder as i sit there with her..... i got to go to sleep crying that night.... and i got to wake up to it to..... for a few days it was like that..... people went without eating..... no one showered.... everyone stopped funcioning..... my dad doing the usual, spending his time at the bar..... the time came where we had to burry him..... he lived in california.... he was on his way to my house for xmas where he stopped at a rest area and collapsed of a heart attack..... since he lived in california...and was an ex airforce mechanic..... we burried him in riverside..... me being the paul bearer i had to carry my uncle to the ditch he lays cold and lifeless in today..... him and i were close.... we had plans to build a quad together... and he would come see me nearly every day when i lived in california..... a few days went by and it was time to go home..... well arizona at least.... and i wanted my grandma to come with us but she refused.... she decided to stay in the corona house withmy aunt..... i knew there was something wrong..... 4 days went by.... and i was sleeping when i got a call from my grandma.... it mustve been 4 in the afternoon..... i missed the call by about 5 minutes...... i woke up and dialed my phone to get the voicemail when i heard a huge thud on the ground and my mom screaming again.... i knew this was different.... someone else had died...... my stomach dropped and i slowly crept down the stairs to see my mom propped up on the floor against the couch.... she was crying and screaming.... and slamming her fists into the carpet.... they told me grandma had died..... my only friend in the whole world had died..... i couldnt hold back this time...... i was broken.... suicidal and depressed..... no one in my family had jobs.... they all just fell apart.... while i had to function still..... school came about a week later and i didnt give a fuck about anything..... i taught teachers how to truly cuss out someone.... and showed kids wat the tile floor of the bathroom tasted like..... i got removed from my PE class completely..... and spent most of my time in the office sitting there.... teachers at charter schools think theyre hot shit and can talk about w/e they damn well please and say w/e the fuck they want..... till one day i told a teacher to go fuck her self and that she was the biggest fattest teacher i ever saw...... she tried gettin me to write respect on a piece of paper 500 times.... i wrote it once.... crammed it into my ass crack and then shoved it in her face...... dumb bitch..... never saw her again... my mom removed me from the school and popped me right back into my first jr high..... i only had about 2 months of school left so she told me to grit it out..... school ended and my family is getting a little better Junior high is now over. Time for a vacation! My family and I decide to ask my best friend tanners family on a trip to our California house in corona.i hadnt seen much of tanner in the last two years so im pretty excited. I am also excited because my first real crush was gonna be there. Her name was Kelsey… funny how that works out. Kelsey tatum…. She seemed to be the best thing that ever happened to me… neways enough of that…. We were all on our way out to cali when we stopped at a rest area… my mom and dad were in a different car. It was my grandmas car… My grandma died while visiting his grave. My mom and dad got out of the car…. I knew something was wrong…. My dad went to the table under the ramada at the rest stop. It must have been 120 degrees outside. I was sweatin bullets and could see the sweat drop off my dads forhead from all the way back in tanner’s navigator. I saw my dad answer a phone call at the table…. My mom walked up to him… my dad looked at her and said something and my mom dropped…. She was histarical…. I could hear her crying through the car window…. I thought my aunt had died…. Well I wasn’t wrong about someone dying… it wasn’t my aunt though…. I had come to learn after my mom stumbled her way over to my car door that my brother had been murdered…. It was ironic to me because that morning at 6am I had called him while my dad and I were at the good egg eating breakfast. I had a denver omelet and my dad had a meatlovers omelet. We got to talking and I had told him how I missed my brother. He had been away for a while in Washington because he decided to steal and torch a car…. He had just got out of bootcamp a while before. Must have been only 3 months. I picked up my cell phone and called him. I missed him terribly. He beat me and hurt me a lot but I still loved him the same. We were close… and even though he shot me… he never really hurt me to bad… I was always ok… we're on our way back from the rest stop now… my mom dad and I hopped in my grandmas car and told tanner and his family how to get to our house in California while we went back to Arizona to get to my sister before neone else did. I was searching frantically for news reports and all kinds of stories in spanaway Washington trying to find out what happened to my brother… I came across many stories. Then I saw it. They said they had found a man about 18 years old naked and beaten to death with 3 gunshot wounds to his back near a forest in spanaway. I knew it had to be my brother. He was with 3 of his friends when they were trying to find a way to a party in the woods. One of the people he was with said he knew where it was. They ended up getting lost and wandered into crip territory. A 14 year old boy was trying to get into the gang and needed to murder someone to do it. They told my brother and his friends to take their clothes off. They started beating them with pistols and nething they could find. My brothers friends took a run for it and left my brother behind…. My brother was beaten the worst of them all though because he was the biggest threat of the group… he tried to get up and run but when he did they shot him in the back with a 45 three times… the guys at the morg said he would have died even if he wasn’t shot…. I learned that even though when you lose someone it hurts terribly and you cant concentrate on nething… life sucks and you cant function…. I got to watch my family fall apart…. My mom stopped doing anything and my dad got drunker and drunker as he wasted more money on his compulsive gambling addiction…. I had school…. The difficult decision to play freshmen ball or popwarner for another year was at my doorstep…. My head wasn’t screwed on straight…. I had been doin drugs and lost my religious beliefs…. The trauma from the site of my brother and my grandma haunted me everywhere I went…. I could picture there face…. And I could view the scenario of my brother running for his life during every math lecture, every English lesson, and every weight I lifted in weights class…. It seemed as though life wasn’t going to get any better…. I had lost the ability to care about anything…. My dad lived with me but I never saw him… and my mom was so sad and depressed that I couldn’t see the slightest bit of happiness in her at any moment in time ever…. I decided to play pop warner… I had coaches begging me to play and the freshmen team wasn’t that great neways…. Practices started and a couple weeks went by when I found myself ill. Terribly ill. I couldn’t stop coughing and had been to the doctor countless times. Months went by and I had seen many specialists. Finally they threw me in the hospital. I had a temperature of 104 degrees over and over again. I thought this was it. I was the next one to go. And wat did I have to show for it. I had been doin drugs and not caring about a single thing for the last year of my life and I had watched my family die off like cattle during the mad cow influenza… Im in the hospital thinking… first both my grandpa… then my uncle…. Than my grandma… my brother… now me…. I spent a week in that hospital… I guess you know how the story goes…. I lived to tell the tale…. And im glad I did….. I decided to turn my life around…. Its funny the things you realize and learn that you knew before but didn’t quite understand when your fighting for your life…. Its kinda like the movies SAW…. All he wants is for you to appreciate the gift of life that god has given you…. Sophomore year came around and I decided to play football…. I was the star…. Best defensive player on the junior varsity team playing weak side linebacker…. I got a girlfriend and became very popular that year…. Her name was bekkah…. She had been in a relationship with her boyfriend for two years when she finally broke up with him to go out with me… funny thing was that I had still had a crush on Kelsey….  I decided to go with bekkah neways though… because Kelsey happened to live in georgia at the time… I still saw her a lot and things didn’t change at all between us… but bekkah had been in my life at the time…. I didn’t like her that much… she was a beautiful girl…. Was being the key word…. We had gotten into trouble when we decided to have sex in the bathroom at school…. Damn… what a stupid decision… and it wasn’t even my idea…. I wish it was… lol…. Her parents wouldn’t let us be together nemore… but we tried neways…. 10 school days had gone by as our punishment was a 10 school day suspension before I had been able to see her again at school…. I saw her out by the portables and she started balling… I hadn’t been able to talk to her or anything…. We decided to try and work it out…. Her parents wouldn’t budge though…. Very stubborn people…. A few months went by and I broke up with her because I found out that she was cutting herself…. We hadn’t been able to see eachother outside of school…. But by this time I had fallen in love…. It was hard…. She begged me back and of course I did it…. Stupid of me because a week later she broke up with me and called me for days tellin me how much her new boyfriend was way better than me…. I was upset…. Jr year comes around and I had stabbed myself in the leg opening up a box to my new grinder that I was gonna use at my new job at the shop…. My sisters husband hooked me up with the job…. So now I have to stay at home for a couple weeks while my deep knife wounds healed…. This is especially bad because this year we had new coaches and I would have to prove myself again… but I couldn’t make it to football camp… I decided to work through the whole summer while my leg healed and tried out for football come tryouts…. They tried to throw me at DB but I told him no… I said I was a linebacker… I had been a linebacker for 9 years… coach was a dick… his name was doug Vincent…. We called him coach Vinnie for short…. He told me I would never play as a linebacker on his team…. Me being the weight and height that I am he thought I wouldn’t be able to do it…. So he threw me on JV and made me play down there as the starting middle linebacker….. I made plays and had an impact again.. proving myself as always…. The season was over for JV and he pulled me up to play varsity for the last three games…. We made it to the playoffs that year…. I was player of the week twice as a scout team middle linebacker against our offenses 2 ton offensive starting lineup…. I only weighed 130…. The next year rolled around and I made it to all the offseason events…. Things had changed though…. It seemed as though that my team had gained a new hate for me while I played JV… they must have thought I let them down or something…. I was receiving verbal and physical abuse in the offseason and felt alone…. That’s a weird feeling to feel while your playing on a football team… especially guys who I had been playing with for 9 years…. Coach followed…. I was ripped into pieces by not only my coach but my players as well…. I had fought for my spot and earned it… but then one day a couple weeks before our first game I made a small mistake…. And lost it…. Coach ripped me so hard I will never forget it…. He pulled me out and told me not to come back…. It was the worst feeling i ever felt on a football field… even worse than the time we lost the state championships…. First game comes around and I was standin on the sidelines…. The first string middle was slackin and coach threw me in… I ripped it up again…. I caused fumbles…. Sacked quarterbacks…. Stuffed holes… and took guys down twice my size…. It was about time I got to prove myself on Friday night in front of the croud…. Who had ever seen a 145 pound middle linebacker playing in a 5a division one football team in the hardest region in arizona…. I thought for sure things were gonna get better…. 2 days went by…. I was sick again…. I slept for 18 hours a day for 2 weeks…. I had missed two games and had lost weight and strength…. I came back and trained hard and busted my ass as best I could to earn my spot back…. It ended up being a split time lineup between me and my backup…. But for some reason the abuse didn’t stop…. It was hard for me to become close to anyone after that…. The season went by and we had lost many players…. Our other middle linebacker tore his ACL and I started for the rest of the season…. We lost most of our games…. Mostly due to lack in ability to put points on the board but no one will argue for the defense…. Football season was over…. Just like that…. It just ended…. I realized that I would never play a down in football ever again…. 11 years of my life…. And it had to end like that…. I went through school not caring nemore… my grades were slipping and my respect for women rapidly took a turn for the worst…. Girls were just pieces of flesh… grades were easy to come by and life as a working man seemed easy…. But I still couldn’t care about nething…. I graduated from school…. Football was over…. Girls were in and out of my house…. And I felt no emotion…. I had lost many friends…. And lost many of the people who were close to me…. It seemed as though my ability to get close to anyone had faded away along with my football career and my brothers existence…. My mom had no job and I didn’t care about mine...... I got over it eventually.... and had learned enough for 2 lifetimes.... now i live day to day carefuly choosing who i spend my time with and doing everything i can to stay healthy..... after all... there is a reason they call me sick nick..... live life to the fullest..... and expect the worst..... the time you spend with people should be cherished.... as it may be the last..... and when i say expect the worst.... the shit that you dont think would happen to you.... can happen to you just as easy as anyone else..... there are no exceptions.....