Untitled

"Somewhere in the dark, nameless depths"

...Why would the depths have a name? Odd word choice.

 

No idea what MVT is supposed to tand for.

 

The description of the cheering is kind of redundant. You vary your words, which is fine, but if we boil the meanings of the first few sentences down, we get this:

"Tense moment. Crowd is loud. Chant starts. Croud is loud, crowd cheers, lights point at enterances. Dialog. Crowd is loud."

 

"Eightieth world wide pokemon league"

Capitalisation errors. What's the proper noun? Is the tournament called the "Eightieth world wide pokemon league"? If so, capitalise all of those words. Is it just called the "World Wide Pokemon League"? If so, uncapialise the Eightieth (or make it numeric. Generally if the number is higher than fifty, you can use digit keys). Or, is it just the "Pokemon League"? If so, leave world wide uncapitalised, and make eightieth numeric or lower case. Or, is it just a league, which is described by the word "Pokemon"? If so, only Pokemon need be capitalised.

 

"POKEMON LEAGUE, give it up..."

Separate clauses; shouldn't be connected by a comma

"disarming, but lethal, Lady SAEBRINA!"

The first comma precedes a conjunction, and is therefore unnecessary. The second comma precedes the modified object, and is therefore also unnecessary.

"from his overlooking booth"

Awkward. Rephrase.

This whole sentence though, is a little backwards. You want the emphasis to be on Saebrina, not the announcer's booth. Whatever words the sentence ends on are what the reader will retain in their mind while they look to the next line, and therefore carry more emphasis. Therefore, rephrase the sentence so that it ends with Saebrina, not the announcer.

 

"the gates in front of the entrance of the right of the arena"

holy prepositions, batman. Is this level of description necessary? If so, I suggest describing the arena separately. If not, remove it.

 

"an obvious firearm"

Do they only have one between them?

"they certainly would have stopped anyone in their tracks with just a cold stare"

Sounds very casual. I suggest finding a more formal phrasing.

Following paragraph recycles "demeanor". I suggest finding a synonym. Also comparing the security to her, describing their intimidation and then her beauty... makes it seem like the security's demeanor is paling in beauty. Awkward.

 

"Yet besides her obvious beauty, her most remarkable feature lay in her eyes."

Awkward phrasing. Cut it down. Something like, "However, her most remarkable feature was her eyes: Eyes of..."

Separate the Eyes of sentence from the next one as well.

"__ and __ and __ is awkward." Should be "__, __ and __"

Ice and cold is redundant. If it's ice of course it's cold. White in eyes is also redundant- all eyes have white.

"These were the stoic eyes of the reigning Pokemon League champion, or a stone cold killer."

It makes it sound like she IS a killer, rather than she just has eyes LIKE one.

 

 

"and retain her title as the best pokemon trainer and battler in the world."

Firstly, capitalise Pokemon.

Secondly, I don't believe that they ever say "Battler". It's a very casual word. The anime usually just refers to them as Trainers and the battling is implied.

"him coming out the victor"

should be 'coming out AS the victor'

"too professional, smart"

Smart is very casual. Try a more formal word choice. Professionalism theoretically doesn't influence a battle, though, so I find this a curious choice as well.

"the passionate but inconsistent Devyn"

Awkward phrasing. I'd suggest moving the passionate comment somewhere else. Such as, "Although he's passionate..."

"come out firing"

This... doesn't make sense. By context I get what you mean, but I'd suggest finding a better way to say it.

"near defeat" should be "near-defeat".

"Just Jay"

unless his name is "Just Jay" as in, fair/honest justice, uncapitalise Just. I'd also suggest removing this part if not, because shortening the name Jayeird to Jay is kind of a 'duh' sort of thing. If so, I'd suggest rephrasing to to "Jay the Just" to make that more clear.

"Bob, that's the best prediction..."

This line adds nothing to the story (nor does the chuckle), and I don't see how that prediction was especially noteworthy either. Cut it.

 

"judges decision,"

judge's

"people -including myself- felt"

people- including myself- felt

"the most infamous and controversial in the history of pokemon."

Capitalise pokemon. the most infamous and controversial what? You forgot to include the subject. By context it's obviously a battle, but the word still needs inclusion.

"not to make the same mistake of underestimating her opponent this time."

"make the same mistake" or "sure not to underestimate her opponent"

Pick one; including both makes it awkward.

 

As a reader, I'm curious to know exactly what happened in that match that it came down to the judges. If you plan to elaborate on it later, that's fine, but if not, I'd suggest mentioning it here.

 

"DEVYN. THE. DESTROYER!"

You said 'demolisher' before. Destroyer sounds better, imo.

Using periods in this context is grammatically incorrect, however, I'm not sure how else you would recreate the announcer effect (and doing this IS effective), so it may be permissable to overlook that rule.

 

"posse"

Awkward word choice.

"newest pokemon hot-shot"

Capitalise pokemon.

"after being landed by Oak Academy, he hasn't been another high-profile bust, to say the least."

I have no idea what this means.

"the Junior Circuit, against trainers with a couple more years of experience and training."

Awkward. Might rephrase to something like, "the Junior Circuit, a league featuring trainers with..."

The couple more years of experience is also very casual, and notably awkward.

"Suffering only two losses in an impressive rookie debut, to say the least."

Sentence fragment. Also, it's awkward with the 'to say the least' part. Cut it.

"most- *click*"

Indicating sounds with asterisks and onomatopoeia is grammatically incorrect. Moreover, it doesn't happen as part of speech, so it would be outside of the quotes.

 

"Fuck. That." Muttered Jayeird.

Should be "Fuck. That," muttered Jayeird.

"He wanted" might be rephrased to, "He had wanted" being that he apparently no longer wants.

"swanky"

Awkward word choice.

"his loss (which was bullshit)" Highly informal. Are we describing his thoughts about his loss, or is the narrator biased? Either way, this needs to be stated somehow else.

"daughter was apparently a fan of his, requested"

Might rephrase to "daughter, apparently a fan of his, requested..."

"meet his pokemon team"

Capitalise pokemon

"his room key back. Jay slowly stretched..."

The transition between these two sentences is awkward because we're jumping from something that happened before, back to something happening currently. I'd suggest making this more distinct.

"Jay slowly stretched rolled out of the bed"

Add a comma after stretched.

"Alright, guys! I promised the manager's daughter that she could meet my team today."

'Alright' is not technically a word. Should be 'All right'. Secondly, he's first talking to his team, but then referring to them objectively? Odd.

Thirdly, the flow of these sentences is awkward. You might consider interjecting the comment about Lily's name somewhere else, where it's more immediately connected to her mention. For instance, "I promised the manager's daughter- I think her name was Lily- that she could meet my team today."

"So...be on your best behavior....please?"

Space after ellipses. Ellipses should only have three dots, not four.

"Jay continued: ..."

Should be "Jay continued, ..." and no need for a line break.

"and...uh....uh....and..."

Ellipses mechanics again.

 

Lucario speaks? Curious.

 

Cute ending though.

You have an impressive vocabulary, but your convention usage is sometimes lacking. Just be more careful. :p

Most notably, however, if Jay is the main character, you need to focus on him more, even as the announcers. For the first part of the story, I was thinking that maybe Saebrina was the protagonist, since she was mentioned the most, and when it came down to the mention of the conflict of her match, I was sympathising with her, relieved that they had voted in her favor. If I knew Jay was supposed to be the main character at that point, I probably wouldn't have.

The other reason I thought Saebrina would be the star is because she is presented with a character problem- She underestimates her opponents (hint at something bigger, ego, arrogance, etc). She also receives far more description and attention than Jay does.

Jay is presented as a 'relative unknown' whose only problem is the circumstances which he already is in, with no mention of the character flaws (the focal point of any good character narrative) that put him in this scenario. I'd suggest tweaking the story to establish exactly what his flaws and strengths are, and indicate him as the protagonist earlier and thereby lay out a stronger framework for his transformation over the rest of the story.

 

Good luck!