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i hate my life

By: a guest on Nov 21st, 2014  |  syntax: None  |  size: 4.38 KB  |  views: 269  |  expires: Never
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  1. I hope you've stapled your ass to your chair and duct taped yourself to the back for good meausre, because you are about to read the literary equivalent of being anally pounded by a freight train at 20,000 miles per hour, with tabasco sauce substituting for lubricant. That is also a large number of kilometers, because metric.
  2.  
  3. There was no rising action. No introduction. No synopsis. Nothing. This story went straight to the climax, and so did a one Bruno Bologna after being taken into Nyan Cat's muscular, well-oiled arms and caressed in a manner more sensual than receiving a shotgun blast to your left earlobe.
  4.  
  5. "Oh, Nyan-Chan! Oh, this is better than when Godzilla and I made out on a Boeing 747, mid-flight! Whoo boy! Shiver me timbers, boy howdy! That really knickers my bockers!" Bruno screamed out in delight. Apparently, the intense pleasure received from Nyan Cat's strawberry Pop-Tart dong caused him to adopt the vocabulary of Jake English.
  6.  
  7. Suddenly, the roof of the pink house they decided to fornicate in disappeared. This obviously startled our two lovers, who dropped everything, except their pants, which had been dropped long before, unfortunately right in front of Cristina Fernández de Kirchner. They were almost ticketed, but managed to elude consequences by regaling the president's bodyguards with a reading of Harry Potter run through Google Translate in Catalan, Greek, Swahili, Latvian, and Japanese before being translated back to English. Anyway, back to the roof being torn off.
  8.  
  9. Godzilla loomed over damn near everything, pupils dilated, nostrils flared, scales being used to determine the weight of a bag of oranges in order to calculate the cost. Godzilla flung away the scales, leaned down, and roared in Nyan Cat and Bruno's face. Godzilla's breath smelled vaguely of nail polish remover and the entire population of mainland America. Being an American, allow me to go off on a tangent about how our country was eaten by Godzilla.
  10.  
  11. You know Pacific Rim? That happened. In the Great Lakes. Fucking Alasaks and Hawaiians are laughing now, but wait till those cold-blooded scaly assholes wade through the kiddy pool we call the Pacific. But yeah, Godzilla again.
  12.  
  13. "BRUNO!" Godzilla shouted in a voice that was comparable to nails on a chalkboard with Gangnam Style in G Major played over it. "HOW *DARE* YOU SAY NYAN CAT'S POP-TART PENIS WAS BETTER THAN MY DRACONIC DONG!" As if to affirm Godzilla's statement, a dragon screamed from Godzilla's crotch. Whether or not that was actually an affirmation, or pain from it being smacked into the front lawn of the Pink House, I just don't fucking know.
  14.  
  15. Before Bruno could open his mouth, about a metric fuckton of tommy guns, stylish hats, and white suits erupted from the now-vomiting mouth of Nyan Cat. Nyan got down on his knees, which would be dirty, except he was attempting to propose to the suddenly-there legend, Al "Michael Cera" Capone. Except it was still kind of dirty because he was sucking Al Capone's Pop-Tart dong. Chocolate fudge, if you're curious.
  16.  
  17. INTERMISSION
  18.  
  19. Recap: Pop-Tart dongs. Like real dongs, but probably tastier. Dongs aren't popsicles. Pop-Tarts aren't either, but they both start with pop, and pop is pretty good. Caroline, tell the lab boys to get on inventing me a ray that turns dicks into popsicles.
  20.  
  21. INTERMISSION OVER
  22.  
  23. So now Al Capone was there, and guess what? He was dressed like Chuck E. Cheese, if Chuck. E. Cheese was one hell of a pimp. Fucking brutal. Anyway, Al Capone grabbed up about 57,853,291,034,710 tommy guns (in his left hand alone, no less), and fucking 420 DEGREE MLG NOSCOPED THE EVERLOVING FUCK OUT OF THOSE SCRUBS, WHO COULDNT EVEN GIT GUD. ABSOLUTELY FUCKING BRUTAL, ROUND WINNING KILL, ENDORSED BY MOUNTAIN DEW BENDING DORITOS THE FUCK OVER AND THRASHING ITS DUSTY, CARBOHYDRATE ASS. SHREKT. 9 months later, GamerGate was born.
  24.  
  25. But yeah, people died. Except for the Queen of England. May Her Supreme Ultimate Radicalness forever make her enemies feel the feel when no gf.
  26.  
  27. Bruno, unable to get a word in and feeling worse than the time Severus Snape attempted to seduce him with a traditional Latin Banana-Fucking Breakdance, promptly stood up, gathered his pants, took some leftovers from the now-deceased Nyan Cat's Pop-Tart dong, and walked out. Then walked back in, because he forgot his coat.
  28.  
  29. And that, children, is how the Grinch stole Christmas. We'll be celebrating Rhubarb in its stead.
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