Meh2015AprilFools

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        'Frenzied fans invariably crash the servers- er, counters for their bags, or at least they did before shops started taking reservations to deal with the crowds.',
        'OK, we\'ve warned you.',
        'As kids who grew up on 70s, 80s, and 90s TV, we miss the lost art of the theme song.',
        'We can do "Silver Spoons" karaoke at the drop of a hat, but we couldn\'t tell you a single storyline from the show.',
        'And you know us: we don\'t thrill easy.',
        'And it will stay in your mind for years.',
        'We\'re working on adding that functionality to our site.',
        '(We\'re even impressed by their copywriting.)',
        'It\'s probably the coolest thing about this little virtual lost-and-found bin of ours.',
        'Go on. Do it. See?',
        'We thought a surprise package of items \'n\' things would be enough of a thrill to keep us interested.',
        'What fools we were.',
        'If we insist on shoving our sales links all up in your Twitter grill, the least we could do is midwife some awesomeness into the world.',
        'Spank it! Hear it cry!',
        'Just remember who was here first, freshmeat, or we\'ll cut you.',
        'We will cut you so bad.',
        'As they freely admit, they don\'t really get it.',
        'It\'s because every day brings with it a new squirrel to chase, a new itch to scratch, a new butt to sniff.',
        'Dogs love like they\'ve never been hurt.',
        'He left the team in 2003 to devote more time to his collection of replica muskets.',
        'You\'d just as soon microwave all your meals at 7-11 anyway.',
        'Settle in with an oil drum full of chili for that 62-hour Babylon 5 marathon.',
        'Sometimes it just sucks.',
        'It\'s not some awful Chris Farley movie.',
        'If you have to stab something, or someone, even once, your life has probably gone very, very wrong.',
        'I know "we" decided we were using our vacation next year to attend your nephew\'s 5th-grade graduation in Indianapolis.',
        'A Florida man is severely injured when he gets an alligator high on bath salts in the lavatory of a Ruby Tuesday.',
        'Gaze into our liquid crystal ball...',
        'But it gets old by lunchtime.',
        'The people have spoken! And so has the money.',
        'If you want to play pretend record mogul, there are plenty of other places where you can go throw your money away.',
        'Please, serious industry requests only.',
        'It sounds unlikely at best, disgusting at worst.',
        'What\'s the difference between "a hobby" and "a problem"?',
        'Tragically wasting your life is what your job is for.',
        'All of these exciting innovations have one boring fact in common.',
        'What happens next depends on whether you\'re an idiot or a genius.',
        'We cannot, however, vouch for his credentials as a doctor.',
        'Maybe we just can\'t let ourselves be happy.',
        'Teach us how to fall in love all over again.',
        'Oyster crackers! Who panic-buys oyster crackers?',
        'A vote for optimism. A gesture of hope.',
        'OK, we\'ve done our share to educate consumers today. When\'s lunch?',
        'First, let\'s check for low-hanging fruit.',
        'And there\'s nothing more boring than a good deal.',
        'It\'s a battlefield. It\'s a dystopia. It\'s hostile territory.',
        'Opt out of the system. Answer to no one.',
        'WARNING: IT\'S NOT THAT SIMPLE.',
        'Al Capone was right.',
        'Because it\'s tragic to waste the few measly decades you have on this Earth afraid to love anything unless the cool kids say it\'s OK.',
        'We love it when people buy stuff from us.',
        'And to prove it, here\'s a lame deal that won\'t make us any money.',
        'What will you do, free people? Will you fight... or will you run?',
        'It\'s the best-kept secret in Hollywood.',
        'Then it\'ll be the people of the future\'s problem.',
        'One chip and your fingertips are stained orange for days.',
        'Or you\'re trying to be a good hip citizen and ride your bike to the office, but your greasy chain pops off.',
        'Sorry, early adopters.',
        'You have memories nobody can ever take away.',
        'If you\'re not cheap, crafty, busy, savvy, and lazy, are you sure you\'re in the right place?'
    ];

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