Succubus Anonymous: Hearth's Warming 18-2-17

Wow, ended up actually going over file size.

From last paste:
>They look around at each other, then at you stuck to Celestia's flank by Lyra's threads.
>Welp, seems like everything ended quite well!
>You saved Equestria!
>You watched Bonnie and her Band of Banditos get wrecked by the Winter Queen!
>You defeated the Winter Queen!
>And you got to have glorious sex with Celestia!
>Heck, tonight you nearly died several times, suffered through Christmas and prejudice, committed malpractice and potentially mail fraud, but now, the future is bright.
>You sigh in relief, collapsing onto Celestia's back, pleased wiht yourself.
>Now all you need to do is get the Grog to the party, and you're set!

And now...

>"What...is...is someone mounting me?" asks a semi-coherent Celestia from below you.
"Yes!" you say from your perch on her rear, riding high on elation, relief and afterglow.
>Celestia rises to all fours, and turns her head to look at you, a curious eyebrow raised.
"Well, we needed something hot to go inside you and drive out the Winter Queen," you explain, "And I'm long, and I'm strong, and I'm down to get the friction on," you wriggle your eyebrows.
>You may have also wriggled your hips as well.
>Celestia stares blankly at you, before the edges of her mouth curve slightly upwards.
>"Indeed...Hot Passion, was it?" she says.
"Yes, your Highness," you confirm.
>She nods, eyeing you speculatively, before seeing the shimmering threads currently binding you to the Sun Princess.
>"And whose work was this?" she wonders aloud.
>"It was mine, Your Grace! Lyra Heartstrings!" chirps up the white-suited unicorn, "You were bucking around a lot, and he needed help staying put."
>"You have my thanks and gratitude, Miss Heartstrings," Princess Celestia nods appreciatively, Lyra's eyes widening and glistening, "Now if you, erm... please lend me some assistance?"
>Lyra stands there, bathing in her ruler's admiration, unheeding of Celestia's delicate request as moment lengthens into seconds.
>Celestia continues to stand there with infinite grace, majesty and patience where a normal pony would normally look immensely uncomfortable.
>Even with you balls deep inside her, your cum slowly dribbling down her legs, her face battered and bruised, an ear missing, and blood splattering her neck and chest she looks like the height of dignity and regal strength.
>It's truly a glorious thing to experience.
>"CELESTIA!" cries the Princess of Friendship, barreling over, "are you alright?"
>"All is well, my dearest Twilight," nods the white alicorn to the purple.
>Heedless of Celestia's words, the Librarian Alicorn flitters about Celestia's body, taking in all her various injuries.
>Celestia looks on, smiling gently, but her eyes try to catch Lyra's.
>Who is still awed and unresponsive.
>Twilight quickly scans a strained rear hoof, her head traveling up to where you are intimately connected with Celestia-
>And she freezes.
>Her eyes narrow.
>Her nostrils widen.
>Her face scrunches angrily.
>Her body shakes is barely supressed rage.
>And you feel that in the near future you are not going to have a good time.
>"Your Highness," you hear Bon Bon say loudly, "I imagine you would like to hear what happened tonight in more detail."
>You turn and look and although Bonnie Von Bon Bon is bowing with respect (and in considerable pain), you can practically taste the amount of annoyance she's beaming at you.
>"I would very much like that, Agent Sweetie Drops," says Celestia, motioning her to rise with the slightest strain in her voice, "However, your friend Miss Heartstrings still needs to...er...'disconnect' Mister Passion from myself."
>The Bon Bon quickly looks over you, Celestia, take one look at Lyra, and makes an exasperated sigh.
>Bonnie quickly walks over to Lyra, and elbows her hard.
>Lyra blinks looking at Bonnie, confused.
>Bonnie gestures to you, before wincing hard, hissing, and grabbing her side in pain.
>Lyra blinks again, looking at you, then Bon Bon, then you, and then 'OH!'s quite loudly.
>"I'm so, so sorry Your Grace!" she squeeks in mortification, gambling over.
>In several flicks of her glow horn, the threads unspool.
>You flop backwards off Celestia's rump onto your flank, your dick lewdly slurping as it leaves Celestia's passage.
>You may have heard a rather pleased moan from Celestia, but it could have been your imagination.
>You take a moment to admire Celestia's tush before you feel magic on the back of your head, followed by your face smacking into the snow.
>"Oh dear!" you hear Twilight say aloud in fake concern, even as your face is ground into the stone beneath the snow "That looked like a rather nasty fall. You should take better care of yourself."
>Eventually the magical force disappears, and you raise your head and look at Twilight, only faintly annoyed.
>After all, you kind of deserved it.
>She glares at you, promising bloody vengeance, before turning and grimacing at where Celestia's ear should be.
>You shrug, grinning weakly, before trotting before Princess Celestia a little distance from a bashful Lyra.
>By now SWAT Stern has ambled over with Mad Doctor Mengele, and both are assisting Nurse Redheart as she works to revive Princess Luna.
>All three of them throw glares, inquisitive looks or stares at you every now and then as they work.
>"Now," says Celestia, smiling beautifically, "once Twilight has finished her fussing-"
>"It's NOT fussing," hisses Twilight as she pours magic onto Celestia's severed ear, before smooshing it back onto Celestia's head.
>The ear fuses cleanly, before flicking lightly on Twilight's hoof.
>"It's important to take care of yourself," recites the Purple Bookhorse, "And missing ears or limbs or feathers can drastically reduce the quality of life of long-term beings! Tinsle Marchbanks wrote so herself in 'Dragon Diaries' and Professor Professor said so in 'Medical Journals of the Ancient Ones' and-"
>"Yes, I understand," cuts in Celestia rather firmly, "But these injuries are not so serious that I cannot perform the proper healing spells myself."
>Twilight looks ready to continue complaining, but a quick glance from Celestia clams her up immediately.
>"Now..." the white Alicorn leisurely lies down on all fours, her front legs crossed, as a glowing light erupts from her horn.
>Dwarfing Lyra's little light, it bathes the frosty open ruin with warm, invigorating light.
>The snow disappears - not melts, dissappears - leaving behind a circle of dry ground.
>Lyra gapes in awe, before removing her snowsuit and 'ahhh'ing happily in the warmth.
>"...you were going to tell us all what happened tonight, Agent Drops?" says the lounging Princess of the Sun.
>Bon Bon practically collapses onto the ground, adopting a cautious lying position and removing her goggles and face mask.
>Her face shows weariness, a few scratches and tired eyes.
>Lyra flops down onto her belly, still bathing in the warmth, and Twilight lies down next to Celestia.
>You stand there awkwardly for a few moments, with everypony looking at you.
>Taking the hint, you lie down as well.
>Celestia gives you a discrete nod, before turning to the cream Candy Mare.
>"It all started around lunchtime, when two foals, Snips and Snails, were discovered behind Greasy Joe's Diner frozen solid," states Bon Bon authoritatively.
>Celestia gasps, "She went after mere foals?"
>"Yes," nods Bon Bon, "However, at the time...I made a small error in judgement."
>You look at the Ninja, eyebrow raised at that little understatement.
>"From some evidence, that proved to be wholly inaccurate, I was led to believe that Hot Passion was possessed," explains Bon Bon, "And I may have acted... hastily."
>You snort indelicately.
>But inside you're incredibly curious.
>What is she up to?
>Is she trying to cover for you and bury her own fuck up?
>Or is this some kind of wind up before she reveals you are a Succubus, and you die a horrible death?
>Twilight raises a hoof in question, but Celestia pre-emptively shushes her.
>"Save your questions for later," she whispers harshly, before politely looking at Bon Bon.
>"Er...after Hot Passion and I were hospitalized from the encounter," hastily explains Bon Bon, getting a significant look from Celestia, "I, still acting under false evidence, again attempted to act to contain the situation in Ponyville Hospital. At this point, Passion SOMEHOW," she gives you an inscrutable look with that word, "managed to de-frost the two foals I mentioned earlier. We didn't know how or why he did it at that time, but I believed that it was apart of a more dangerous plan."
>Twilight's hoof is waving in the air, face incredulous, mouth opening for more questions, but Celestia elbows her.
>The Purple Science Mare rubs her chest, pouting.
>"After that, he disappeared," she again looks another weird look, "and I quickly rounded up the Ponyville Militia; Lyra Heartstrings, Officer Officer Stern, Doctor...Horse," she says that name oddly before hurrying on, "and Nurse Redheart. Together, we started searching for Passion. We came across what we thought was Princess Twilight in our search, and she agreed that Hot Passion had to be responsible. We determined that the Storm was preventing communication, so Princess Twilight said she was going to the Castle of the Royal Sisters to try and communicate with your Highness, whilst we continued searching for Passion."
>"But I didn't-" starts Twilight, but Celestia shushes her again, staring at her firmly.
>"We found him pulling a sled, which had known fugitive Starlight Glimmer and known conmare Trixie Lulamoon," Bon Bon preens a bit proudly here, "While Hot Passion was able to escape, the Militia were able to act and quickly cease and imprison the two mares, and from their interrogation we learned that a Demon called The Winter Queen was possibly involved, and Hot Passion was en route to the Library. At the time, we still believed that Passion was responsible, and further determined that Passion was either in league with, or was possessed by, the Winter Queen. We thought he was heading to the Library in order to figure out how to either stop Princess Twilight, or lure your Highnesses into a trap."
>Twilight is absolutely vibrating with questions, but Celestia puts a firm hoof on Twilight's back, pinning her arm to the ground, all the while looking on with serene, dignified interest.
>"We managed to enter the Library, and discover evidence of a strong Ice Demon, matching the description of the Winter Queen, in addition to evidence that the Winter Queen was heading to the Castle of the Two Sisters. With our suspicions confirmed, we travelled to the Castle through the blizzard. There, we found Princesses Twilight and Luna both frozen, and your Grace in difficulty, all at the top of the South-East Tower. Your Grace stated that you had been attacked by Passion, and that if we didn't find and...erm..." Bon Bon faulters, trailing off.
>Celestia leans in, eyebrows raised.
>Twilight tries to knock Celestia off her body so she can raise a hoof, to no avail.
>"...erm..." lamely continues Bon Bon, before quickly hurrying on "And at that point, Hot Passion entered. Lyra was able to trap him in her threads...and...um...'carry out your orders'..."
>Celestia gives a strange look to Bon Bon.
>Bon Bon grimaces.
>Celestia looks at Bon Bon with incredulity.
>Bon Bon nods meekly.
>Celestia looks at you with narrowed eyes, before turning her head back to Bon Bon.
>"Go on..." she says, coldly.
>"Right," hurries on Bon Bon, visibly sweating, "So, after I...er...'carried out your orders', Your Grace revealed herself as the Winter Queen, and also revealed that she was responsible for freezing Snips, Snails, Trixie Lulamoon, Starlight Glimmer, Princess Luna and Princess Twilight, and...also pointed out that Hot Passion was the only one with the power to stop her. I ejected the Queen from the tower at this point into the Annex. Nurse Redheart and Doctor ... Horse... remained in the tower attempting to de-frost the Princesses, whilst Stern, Heartstrings and myself distracted the Winter Queen. The aim was to distract the Queen until Redheart and Horse could revive Princess Luna and Princess Twilight. Which they did, no doubt with Passion's assistance. Princess Twilight and Princess Luna arrived along with Nurse Redheart and Doctor Horse. During the battle Stern and Horse were frozen, Redheart was buried in snow, Princess Luna was critically injured," she quickly glances back to the crumpled body of Luna, "Princess Twilight was bewitched," Bon Bon spares a glance to the struggling Purple Princess now beneath two of Celestia's firm hooves, "And I was badly wounded."
>She pauses, then huffs at you.
>"And then Hot passion here BUCKs the Winter Queen out of you," she says with intensive annoyance, before again adopting a more explanatory tone "with assistance from Lyra Hearstrings. Once the Winter Queen was banished, Stern, Horse, Redheart and Princess Twilight were freed. That brings us to now."
>Celestia nods thoughtfully.
>Twilight grunts, now pinned beanth all of Celestia's body like an egg under a hen, desperately struggling to raise a hoof in question.
>"Now now my dear student," admonishes the White Alicorn, casually but forcefully resting a hoof atop Twilight's head, "I'm sure that there was a reason why Agent Sweetie Drops here made a rather uncharastically vague recollection of the events."
>Bon Bon pales considerably.
>You too are curious.
>Why did Bon Bon cover for you?
>She's been adamant that she wants you dead, one way or another.
>Why the turn around now?
>Luckily for her, Celestia, atop her struggling charge, turns her gaze from Bon Bon to you.
>Bon Bon visibly relaxes.
>"Perhaps Hot Passion here could...fill in the gaps?" she asks casually.
>The proverbial spotlight turns to you, and you find yourself suddenly nervous under the glare.
>But considering the bullshit you've been through today, you're not afraid.
>Not to mention that it's difficult to be spooked by Celestia when you've had glorious Equestria-saving sex with her earlier.
>Which she is no doubt ashamed of.
>With this in mind, you decide to handle this with due diligence, grace and charm!
"It all started about a month ago when I was going down on this weird witchy mare to give her a sixth orgasm in as many minutes," you begin with subtle diplomacy and grace.
>...
>What did you just say!?
>Lyra perks up and stares at you.
>Bon Bon and Twilight both groan.
>Although Twilight's groan may have more to do with Celestia's hoof pressing into Twilight's chest.
>Celestia remains impassive, although the corners of her mouth twitch upwards.
>You feel that things couldn't get any worse at this point, so why not roll with it?
>After all, Celestia seems to be enjoying herself.
"She was SO enthused by my limitless sexual prowess, that she gave me...THIS!" with a florish you reveal your member, still sloppy with Celestia's juices.
>Bon Bon covers her eyes with her hooves and looks like she wants to sink into the ground.
>Much to your amusement.
>Lyra shamelessly stares hungrily at your floppy rod.
>Twilight glares at it.
>Celestia leans in slightly with dignified appraisal.
>"...ah, that piece of...jewelry?" she delicately asks.
"Yep," you say, looking down at the metal ring covered with glowing runes wrapped around your base.
>Correction: Cracked, dull, not glowing metal ring wrapped around your base.
>Oh dear.
"That...wasn't like that before," you frown, "It was a lot more impressive and glowy."
>Celestia nods thoughtfully, her horn glowing slightly.
>You feel magic tenderly grope the ring.
>And your balls.
>But mostly the ring.
>It promptly falls apart into multiple pieces.
>And then turns to dust.
>You look at it, outwardly showing sadness.
>But inwardly glee.
>HA HA, now you can make up anything about it!
>Although you're slightly worried about the fact it broke at all.
>Your Grandmother gave you that as a Christmas gift after all to protect your life from the Princesses.
>Her only Christmas gift...
>...
>You outward show sadness becomes genuine.
"Awww..." you whimper sorrowfully, "It's broken!"
>Celestia smiles reassuringly at you.
>"Do not worry, Hot Passion," she says, "I'm sure it lived an interesting life, and it may have not only saved your life, but also the lives of everyone in Equestria."
>Twilight's head snaps to Celestia, and then tries to around Celestia's imperious flank (which now pins her to the ground) at the fading dust fragments on the ground.
>You sniff, your chin wobbling.
"It didn't deserve to go out that way," you whisper quietly, "it deserved to go out saving Equestria...in a firey explosion, while on a motorbike, as an Honorary Wonderbolt, having fathered illicit foals in all of Equestria's major cities."
>Bon Bon gives a strangled cry of indeterminate emotion at that statement, which brightens your spirits slightly.
>Lyra, wrapped up in the story, leans in and looks at the place where the fragments were before they disappeared from existance.
>"Maybe we can rebuild it?" she asks optimistically.
>You look at the nothing on the ground, then back to Lyra, then back to the nothingness on the ground.
>You sigh.
"It won't be the same," you respond sorrowful.
>Celestia coughs discretely.
>"We can mourn your....accessory later," says Celestia, visibly attempting to fight down a snort, "but if you would be so kind as to continue?"
>You hoof at the ground, sending a quick prayer of apology to your Grandmother, before taking a deep breath and hardening the fuck up.
>And promptly continue lying through your teeth while making an ass of yourself.
"Alright...so...this mare, who gave it to me, said it would prevent my dick from getting sex diseases," you elaborate, "which was a major boon for me - Nurse Redheart was sick and tired of jabbing needles into my butt."
>You lean in conspiratorially.
"I don't know if it's medical practice, but everytime I went, the needle got BIGGER," you whisper loudly.
>You hear a scoff from over near Princess Luna, but otherwise no other outburst.
"But with this cockring," you look sadly at the nonexistant grave of your cock ring, "I didn't have to visit her even once for itching or weird weeping sores or anything!"
>Bon Bon looks like she is trying to mentally communicate to everypony in Equestria how much she would like to NOT be lying here listening to this.
>You fight down a smirk.
>Lyra is enraptured.
>As is Celestia and her pinned, struggling student.
>You begin to get the distinct impression that Twilight is acting up solely for the body on body contact, given how she just wriggled her hips.
"Now, fast foward to today," you continue, "I was out at Zecora's having ejaculated a big, juicy, thick load down her hot, slick throat," Bon Bon gives another strangled cry, and Celestia's eyes twinkle, "when she tasked me with retrieving the alcohol for the Villain Bash."
>You gesture to the two kegs strapped to your sides, which instantly captures Celestia's attention.
>"The Bachernalian Bash?" she asks, eyeing the kegs with interest.
"Yep," you chirp, "I got an invitation and everything. I mean, I am hot," you wriggle your hips saucily, "So hot even the villains want me."
>Celestia tears her eyes away from the kegs, and adopts a more intrigued visage.
>"Please, continue," she politely asks.
"Right, well I was coming into Ponyville, when I saw a storm over Ponyville Train Station. I also saw Twilight walking into the storm, and two other ponies on the platform. I, at the time, was under the impression that Twilight was upset and ... acting out," you say seriously, "so I decided to err on the side of discretion, and continued on to the Post Office."
>"I do not act out!" wheezes a scandalized Twilight from between Celestia's thighs.
>You and everypony else tactfully ignore her.
"I was in the Post Office, looking for the perfect Twilight Ponyville Jumper, when Bon Bon, quite rudely, attacked me," you turn to her, looking at her sternly, "That was not very nice."
>Bon Bon's look of consternation is amusing.
"Anyway, after I was fixed up at Ponyville Hospital, I tried to escape, fearing that Bon Bon would track me down and attempt to attack me again. In the process of avoiding her I ended up in the room with Snips and Snails, who were both crashing. I attempted to assist Nurse Redheart," you nod back at the distant mare, "by wrapping them in thermal sheets. But imagine my surprise when I touched one of the foals, my rod wrapping vibrated, and they warmed up. So I just touched both foals, got a rather pleasant experience, and warmed up Snips and Snails back to health. At this point Bon Bon showed up, and I had to escape out of the window to prevent detection, as well as hurry to the Post Office to pick up the alcohol."
>You pointedly ignore Celestia's quick glance to a sheepish looking Bon Bon.
"Unfortunately I wasn't able to get there before the Office closed," you elaborate, "but luckily, a late working postal worker let me in to retrieve the package. While travelling back to Zecora's to travel to the Bash, I passed the Train Station-"
>"WAIT, I, JUST, ARGH!" says Twilight, eventually sneaking a hoof up in the air.
>Angrily Celestia tries to leap on Twilight's hoof, but the purple appendage swiftly avoids capture.
>"I will not be denied!" shouts Twilight, "I don't care if it's rude or below decorum or whatever - YOU - gerroff - You mean to tell me you walked through a Demonic Storm - which I guess it was if it blocked communication - no problem!?"
>Celestia finally puts a hoof over Twilight's mouth, before giving you a rather weak smile.
>"I apologise for Twilight's behaviour," beseeches the Princess of the Sun, "She's having difficulty aclimatising to Princesshood, and learning the patience to not interrupt."
>You look at the entire dynamic between Twilight and Celestia with amusement.
"Never fear," you say, "I can answer that easily. You see Princess - I'm just that hot."
>You smile smugly, while Twilight scrunches at you.
>Her horn glows and you feel a cool, moist breeze against your skin.
>Even as ice cracks and splits around you.
>Twilight looks at you bamboozled as she ends her spell.
>Celestia, curiously, doesn't show shock, merely glares at Twilight before looking apologetically at you.
>"I, buh, HOW!?" she asks.
"Please," you wave off, "pretty much every single pony in Ponyville has a weird ability. Mine is being hot, Bon Bon is being a super secret agent, Lyra's is her awesome string magic, Daisy is amazing at inkblotting, and Pierce is one of the finest surgeons in all of Equestria."
>You ignore the Germane sounding 'PFAH!' from near Luna.
"It's just something that happens in Ponyville," you shrug, to Twilight's absolutely stunned face.
>Celestia nods in agreement, quickly seizing the initiative and pinning the Purple Alicorn more securely to the ground.
"Anyway, I was passing the Train Station, when I saw Trixie and Glim Glam frozen like Snips and Snails," you continue, "So I dragged them inside the Train Station and revived them. There we figured out that something called The Winter Queen had most likely possessed Twilight when she went to the Station, using Trixie and Glimmer - something I had actually seen earlier. Trix, of course, had earlier been possessed through Snips and Snails, and Trix had then possessed Glim."
>Twilight grumbles about stupid unicorn adversaries as Celestia nods, taking in the information.
"So, knowing that Equestria was in danger, I convinced Trixie and Glimmer to help me try and get to the Library, either to stop Twilight's possessed body, or figure out where she went. On the way there, Bon Bon and the Militia ambushed us. I was able to escape by simply 'swimming' beneath the snow pack, and was able to find the Castlebrary, after a long, long time. When I got there, I saw Bon Bon leaving with the Militia. So I followed them beneath the snow. Unfortunately, I lost them, but by that stage I was able to 'feel' where the Winter Queen was based on how much my penis ring vibrated; the closer I got, the closer I 'got'." you smile saucily.
>You can practically feel Bon Bon, Lyra, Redheart, Stern and Mengele all roll their eyes.
"When I eventually found a way in, I followed my vibrating sheath tickler to the top of a tower, where Lyra tied me up and Bon Bon st-pushed me out a window," you quickly and hastily correct, "Luckily the snow was deep, so I was able to survive the fall and eventually wriggle free. I got back into the tower and met Redheart and Doctor Meng-Horse, Doctor Horse," you again hastily correct, "trying to revive Twilight and Luna. Using my patented harmonious hard-on securer, I was able to unfreeze Luna and Twilight. Luna, Twilight, Redheart and Horse all went into battle in the courtyard. I, however, decided to try and sneak in, maybe to use my ice-destroying shaft base ornament to help out somehow. But before I could do any sneaky shenanigans,  everyone was knocked out except Lyra. So we acted - after all, my hardon saver had defrosted everyone, why not you as well, your Grace? So Lyra and I acted. I leapt on your back, and ...removed the Winter Queen out of you," you finish tactfully.
>Bon Bon gives a strangled sound of relief.
"And may I say, you have a very nice, tight vagina, your Grace," you add with further reverent tact.
>Bon Bon is statue still, no doubt certain the world is going to end.
>Everpony else who is not Celestia is looking at you with horror.
>Celestia is trying to remain aloof, but you can see the edges of her mouth moving ever upwards.
>You swear you can hear her fighting down giggles.
>"I have never had anyone mention that I had a tight...vagina, before.," she states seriously, the effect ruined by the subtle shaking in her shoulders, "I often find that my lovers lack certain large...dimensions."
>Now everypony is looking at Celestia with absolute shock and horror.
>Twilight in particular is completely flumoxed.
>Your face is tight.
>You are finding it difficult to not laugh out loud.
>Seriously, why is it so alien for everypony to think of Celestia as sexless?
>She practically oozes sexiness.
>Like the sort that would tie you down after a hard days work and gently suck you dry, or who would tie you down and spank you when you're being naughty.
>And besides, this flirting is fun!
>"Dimensions which you lack, I'm afraid," she adds, airily.
>OH.
>OH.
>SHOTS FIRED.
>You quench a laugh as you take on a shocked, offended look.
>"Well, you're fat, old, ugly and loose!" you wildly accuse.
>All the ponies assembled look between you and Celestia, horrified, shocked, appalled, as you stare each other down.
>At least until both of you burst out laughing.
>"Oh dear!" says Celestia, wiping a tear from her eye, with a wing "It has been a long time since I have met a rake as ill mannered and unintelligent as yourself."
"You left out sleazy," you quip, as everyone sighs in relief or just sheer awe of the ballsiness of your flirting.
>"Please," says Celestia, mildly put out, "I am above such crass words. I do have SOME dignity. Something which you completely lack. However, I'm satisfied with Hot Passion's tale."
>Celestia stands up on all four hooves, and takes a step to the left, leaving a flustered, annoyed, unsatisfied Twilight on the ground.
>Seriously, does Celestia KNOW Twilight wants her?
>Or maybe she doesn't, and this keeps happening?
>"Do you have any questions for Mr. Passion, my faithful student?" asks the possibly-clueless Celestia politely.
>Twilight 'humph's, standing up as well and quickly magicking all the dirt off her coat.
>"How did Passion's ... ring fight off the Winter Queen?" asks the purple Princess.
>"Ah, you might be unfamiliar with such an artifact," explains the white Princess, "It's called a Bane Ring. It's a rare magical charm that defends against certain types of magic, depending what kind of magic is bound to it. However, they can have physical effects if one imbues the charm with something living and sentient, like a spirit, or a sprite, or..."
>"...or a demon," concludes Twilight, "So Hot Passion had a Demon stuck to his member, which originally just prevented him getting communicable diseases, but also fought against the Winter Queen?"
>"Indeed," agrees Celestia, "The act of purging the Winter Queen from myself probably ruined the containment on the ring, and my own purity destroyed the demon inside. Which is lucky, as it most likely attempted to drive Mr. Passion here to evil acts."
>And here Celestia's face grows harder.
>"Such as behaving so rudely, and recklessly, and hanging out with villains, and doing their bidding like a lowly minion," she states with a deplored tone.
>She gestures to the Grog, shaking her head.
>"I'm afraid I can't let you continue with such behaviour," she says sadly.
>...
>Uh oh.
>Twilight, quickly looking between you and Celestia, smirks dangerously.
"I, er, I'm not-" you attempt, but Celestia shushes you.
>"I understand that you might like to befriend as many partners as possible," says the Princess of the Sun full of motherly understanding, "but you must understand, my VERY little pony, they are only using you and your dubious bedroom talents."
"I don't have DUBIOUS-"
>"And to see you amongst the ranks of the villains..." her eyes get a little wet, "I cannot even begin to THINK of such an innocent pony at their claws! So...I'm afraid I have to do this, for your own good."
>And just like that, your shoulders are lighter.
>You watch with growing terror as the two kegs float in Celestia's magic onto her own shoulders.
>You sputter and stammer for a moment, before regaining your cool.
"Princess Celestia, please, if Discord or Chrysalis don't get the Grog, they'll kill me!" you plead.
>"See?" says Celestia, gently nuzzling you, "Already your manners are improving!" she leans back, and smiles at you happily, "With every step away from evil you'll become a better pony, and maybe even a better ... stallion." she raises an eyebrow, a smirk playing on her lips.
>You sputter ungracefully.
>This CAN'T be happening!
"I can't be a better stallion - which I already am - if I'm DEAD!" you gibber, eyeing the Grog desperately.
>"Why Celestia, it's like he's trying to fight the goodness," says Twilight with obvious mock horror, "I can't believe such a charming stallion would willingly try to turn evil!"
"I'm not turning to evil!" you retort, "If I did, wouldn't I have been purged by having sex with Celestia?"
>"Better question, why are you trying to deliver..." Twilight squints at the warnings on the side of the keg, "...illegal poison to Discord? I mean honestly - this has a radioactive tag on it!"
>You fight down a snarl and look between the mares in suppressed anger.
>DAMMIT.
"Are you trying to get me killed!?" you ask, "Are you trying to risk destroying Equestria AGAIN after I just saved it!?"
>Celestia 'tsk tsks'.
>"I suppose we must continue our conversation elsewhere, and let Mr. Passion cool off," says the White Alicorn, quickly trotting over to Luna and her aides with Twilight following close behind.
"Wait, what are you talking about!?" you ask, trailing after them.
>"Why, it's clear that you are being influenced, no doubt by this Evil Brew," clarifies Celestia, as Twilight's horn sparks and fizzes with purple magic, and Bon Bon drags an entranced Lyra towards Luna, "and I believe that, for the security of Equestria, it might be wise to return to Equestria with the alcohol, and for you to return to Ponyville. After all, I believe Bon Bon contributed the most to saving Equestria."
>You sputter and gibber, completely floored.
>No fucking way.
>Bon Bon's getting credit!?
>You open your mouth to say that it was Bon Bon's fault Equestria was almost destroyed-
>A ninja star lodges itself in your throat, sending you into a coughing fit.
>"We must leave quickly," gasps Celestia, "The evil is trying to crawl it's way out of Mr. Passion! Farewell Mr. Passion, assuming you survive your ordeal..."
>She suddenly smiles with a mouth far too wide.
>"Be a little more dignified the next time we meet."
>And in a flash Celestia, Twilight, Luna, Lyra, Bon Bon, Mengele, Redheart, Stern - they all disappear.
>You stand, stock still, as Celestia's warth disappears, leaving behind gently falling snow.
>You blink, and then it hits you as you remember her eyes glistening in mischeviousness.
>She played you.
>She fucking stole the Grog, and left you behind to face the consequences.
>THIS.
>FUCKING.
>BITCH!
>You cough up the shuriken, spitting blood onto the pristeen snow.
>It fizzes and steams against your heat.
"YOU WILL RUE THIS NIGHT CELESTIA!" you cry out bloodily to the heavens in fury, "RUUUUUUUUE!"
>Your voice echoes around the empty still ruin, the broken stone uncaring to your anger, moonlight glittering apathetically through the clouds over soft, empty snow.
>And then it slams into you.
>You don't have the Grog.
>The one thing you were told to get.
>The one thing that if it doesn't show up at the Bash, you might very well die.
>Shit!
>You turn, and gallop in a wild panic out of the castle towards your Grandmother's Hovel.
>Maybe you can tell Discord and the rest what happened?
>And that it sounded more impressive than it actually was?
>They're reasonable people right!?
>You plunge into the moonlit snow, hoping against hope that you won't get killed, or be responsible for ending Equestria just hours after saving it.

---

>It is later.
>Everfree Forest is quiet.
>Snow covers the ground, the trees standing stark and black against a clear, starry sky.
>The moon lights up the pristine snow in a strange, pale glow.
>And you awkwardly stomp your way through the silence, furious, blood occassionally squirting through a patch of mud covering the gaping wound on your left shoulder.
>Those fucking fuck fucking fuckers.
>You eventually stagger across a stain on the clean white ground.
>You narrow your eyes at it, then look up.
"FUCK," you yell for the nth time, looking up at your left front leg hanging from a branch right at the fucking top of a fucking tree, a little fucking in near the fucking trunk, buried in branches and fierce looking icicles.
>Fucking Discord.
>Fucking Grandmother.
>Fucking Celestia.
>You internally seethe as wings burst from your back, and you try and awkwardly fly up and grab the limb.
>You reflect on the situation as you hiss, struggling to push through the branches and twigs to get the limb, the icicles melting and falling, shaking the branches and sending the limb deeper into the tree.
>You ran as fast as you could, and got to your Grandmother's Hovel, where she promptly then demanded the Grog.
>You got out "I don't have it-" and before you could say 'But' Discord, the fucking cunt, showed up, removed your mouth, taunted you about being a shit villain and not getting the Grog, and while your Grandmother carved you up with a disappointed scowl on her face, Discord randomly teleported your parts all over Everfree.
>All the while saying that they couldn't BELIEVE that you couldn't do something as simple as get the Grog, and mocking you for being a fuckwit, an idiot, and not worthy of being a villain or being apart of the Villain Gambling Ring.
>You'll remember Discord's smug grin as he teleported your head into the Swamp.
>Normally, you'd probably be stuck in multiple pieces until your grandmother 'deigned' to let you return by picking your parts up and putting you together.
>However, at this point, you've nearly died.
>You saved Equestria.
>And you weren't just going to sit in mud feeling sorry for yourself.
>You were in this situation once before, and being stuck in the Swamp, filled with scum and muck was ample replacement for the Grog.
>It's taken almost all night, and you've pulled most of yourself together, but Discord was truly sadistic about hiding your limbs.
>Mr. Bear's mouth was not a good place to find your right testicle.
>And you now know there is DEFINITELY something off with Fluttershy's rooster.
>You triumphantly yell, grabbing the limb from the depths of the branches with your mouth, and you afix it to your shoulder.
>With a slick noise your body shoots tentacles into the cold limb and devours the mud and muck as it reattaches.
>A couple of shakes and it's back to it's usually infernal hot.
>You gracefully glide back to the snow and suck your wings back into your body, slushing along back towards Ponyville.
>No point in setting off any early morning ponies with general freakishness.
>You're still mad.
>As in, absolutely maximum mad.
>Discord and your Grandmother didn't even - DIDN'T EVEN ask about what happened to the Grog.
>No, no, it had to be because you're an idiot or some such rot.
>Which is completely stupid.
>They HAD to know about what happened.
>Heck, Discord, the little shit, was probably watching the entire thing and chuckling his arse off.
>And your Grandmother, probably, was STILL pissed about the Christmas thing.
>And all because Celestia wanted you to suffer.
>She was fucking enjoying herself, for God's Sakes!
>You had saved Equestria in the face of unbelievable odds, and nearly dying multiple times, and this is the reward!?
>You imagine sticking pins in all their eyes, stabbing them with Bon Bon's knife and generally just unleashing mental loathing at the three shitheads.
>Which is why it doesn't immediately register when you hear the sniffle.
>You pause, ear up, listening when you hear a louder sob.
>You blink, looking around.
>Who on earth would be crying out here in the middle of a frozen Everfree in the early morning before Hearth's Warming Eve?
>You slush through the snow, looking around for the source of the quiet crying, eventually finding what looks like a cobbled together shed with faint light glowing through the many cracks in its walls.
>Curious, you nose open a piece of corrogated metal.
>It promptly flops out onto the snow with a wobbling crunch.
>You poke you head through the hole made by the inherent dodginess of the constuction.
>Inside the walls are bare but strangely reinforced, lit up by a weak lantern.
>In it's glow you see a shivering form underneath a thick blanket.
>Blinking, you elegantly slink through the hole, shape-shifting to fit.
>Once on the other side, you approach the sobbing form.
"Are you okay?" you venture, rubbing the blanket.
>A head whips up and wet yellow eyes look at you.
>"P-p-passion?" says a startled Ditzy, tear tracks running down her cheeks.
>The fiery anger, momentarily extinguished, reignites.
"Why are you out here, Ditzy?" you ask, shaking faintly with rage.
>"W-w-well..." shivers the grey pegasus mare, before her teeth begin chattering.
>Mentally kicking yourself, you peel off the blanket getting an indignant squawk out of Ditzy as she flops onto her back, before you settle onto her body and wrap her in your limbs.
>Ditzy instantly melts into your chest with a happy sigh.
>After a while her shivering ceases, and you feel her breath grow stronger and more steady against your chest fur.
>You frown briefly, suddenly aware of some sheath-and-ball on pussy-lip action between your legs, and you clear your throat to distract yourself.
>Ditzy looks up at you with those innocent eyes, and 'ohs'.
>"Well, you see," she says, sheepishly, "sometimes, when I lose focus, I REALLY lose focus, and all sorts of really bad stuff happens. And I lost focus A LOT tonight. When I came in with Spike Amy was just....really, really upset."
>Her face falls sadly.
>"And she said that, if I was going to lose focus, it wasn't safe for me to be around Dinky," her voice breaks, before she coughs a bit, "so she sent me out here and said "Ditzy, do not come back until morning, when you've got yourself sorted out,". And so I came out here, where it doesn't really matter if I lose focus, so I could keep Dinky safe. But...it's Hearth's Warming Eve tomorrow, and I want to be with Dinky so bad, but I can't, and, and, and..."
>The little grey pegasus mare cries into your chest.
>You grind your teeth, upset yourself.
>On one hoof, Amy is right - if Ditzy decides for whatever reason, it would be kind of but not really cool to, say, go for a swim or go to the lolly shop or something, and Dinky was dragged along, it wouldn't end well.
>On the other hoof, Ditzy shouldn't be out here alone all Hearth's Warming Eve Eve.
>Couldn't Amy have gotten somepony to keep an eye on her?
>Or given her a better blanket?
>The grey mare sniffles against your chest.
>"M'sorry I'm being so selfish," murmurs Ditzy.
>This mare.
>This god damned mare.
>You suddenly stand up on all fours, looking down at the grey mare, your fury at the situation sparking.
>She lies on her back on the floor, vulnerable, looking confused and lost with those big goofy eyes, her belly exposed, her rear legs spread wide.
>There's no way this mare, this amazing postmare extra-ordinaire, who dragged your arse out of the fire, who saved Spike and your own stupid self, should be here alone and crying.
>Heck, she's practically here because of you using her.
>And for a long, agonizing moment, you consider...
>You'd start nice, gently at first, lovingly kissing her, nibbling her ears, trailing down over that belly with tender kisses, until your tongue plunges into her pussy, getting nice happy coos out of her.
>Then you'd go harder, lashing her clit, your tongue also plunging into her rear entrance until she's a twitching pile of happily satisfied.
>Then, you'd take your throbbing dick and rut her brains out, having her scream into orgasm after orgasm, feeling her sweaty body clutch onto yours, her insides slick with her juices, her belly filled and leaking with your cum.
>Until it's morning, and she's little more than a twitching cocksleeve, completely ruined, unresisting as you bite into her neck, pinning her down and fucking her into the floor from behind, making her YOURS in a deep, intimate, forbidden way.
>And as you'd lean down next to her ear, whispering promises of oh so much MORE,  she'd look up at you, those eyes still lost, still sad, still hurt-
>You blink.
>Ditzy lies beneath you, eyes lost, sad, hurt...
>...
>Jeeze, were you actually thinking of doing that!?
>You couldn't do that to her.
>But you can do THIS.
>You narrow your eyes predatorially, then you lean your head down.
>Ditzy freezes, watching your head lower down, past her neck, down to her belly-
>You apply your mouth to her stomach, and blow.
>The grey mare suddenly starts laughing as you continue to blow bubbles against her stomach, until her baps you on the head with her hoof.
>You look up at the giggling mare, smiling, before lying down next to her and hugging her in a way that has less sex-to-sex contact.
"You're not being selfish," you say, nuzzling her neck, "You have every right to be upset over this. And...I'm sorry this happened Ditzy."
>Ditzy murmurs something into you, trying to burrow into you to get a more comfortable position.
>"Not your fault," she speaks, muffled into you chest again.
>You roll your eyes, picking up the blanket and wrapping both yourself and Ditzy in it.
>You lie back, looking up at the moon, silently shining through the hole you tore open earlier.
>The sight makes you feel better, more at peace.
>At least until a dark shape drifts in front of the moon, blocking that peaceful feeling.
>Annoyed, you look closer at the obstruction.
>It...looks like a cloud?
>But it's too sculptured.
>And there's... rainbows leaking out of it?
>...oh, it must be Rainbow Dash's house.
>And from the light of the moon punching through the silhouette, it's taken a hell of a beating.
>Most likely has, if it had torn free of it's fixings in that blizzard.
>You idly wonder if her oh so special Daring Doo and Spitfire cosplay collection was alright.
>Thinking about those two, you remember that you're supposed to be angry at them for their general dickishness.
>And thinking on that, you remember you're supposed to be pissed of at Celestia and Discord and Grandmother and everypony...
>But the anger isn't there at the moment.
>It's all drained out.
>But despite that, all these thoughts continue to drift through your head.
>It starts in low.
>And it starts to grow.
>Things click.
>Ideas swirl.
>Your mind is a raging torrent, flooded with rivulets of thought cascading into a waterfall of creative alternatives.
>Your brain is aglow with whirling, transient nodes of thought careening through a cosmic vapor of invention.
>You quickly stand up, looking out at Dash's house, eyeing it carefully.
>Yes....yessssss... it might just work!
>Ditzy, startled by your sudden movement, quickly takes her perch atop your back.
>"I was comfy," she tiredly humphs, flopping onto your back, but you simply smirk that smug grin as the idea coagulates and crystallizes into a moment of sheer genius.
>Starlight Glimmer would be THRILLED.
>You open up the rather solid door of the shack, and trot out into the dappled moonlight.
>"Whu-where are we going!?" cries the baffled postmare.
>You trot to beneath Dash's house, and see that it's completely fucked, most of the cloud torn away by the demonic storm.
>And you can see straight up into Dash's bedroom, and her relatively intact closet.
>Yes, yes this is perfect!
"Say, Ditzy," you begin, "Can you, just, quickly nip up to Dash's house and get me some things please?"
>"Why?" asks the skeptical sleepy Ditzy.
"Well, you see, we're going to need ...uniforms," you invent, looking back at the postmare, "just two uniforms that Dash has for a very exclusive place. A place that a hard working mare such of yourself DESERVES to be."
>Ditzy's eyes narrow in curiosity.
"And it's a very, very secure place," you continue, eyes sparkling, "you don't have to worry about losing focus there at all. You'll be able to leave and see Dinky when the sun comes up, and it'll be nice and warm. And," you pause theatrically, "you'll be treated like a Princess."
>Ditzy is tired, but the gleam in her droopy eyes shows that she's interested.
"Tell me, Ditzy," you speak airily, casually, remembering a line also airily, casually spoken back during the Nightmare Night Debacle, "Have you ever heard of the Royal Harem Spanking Room?"

---

>It is three days later.
>You lean back from your seat in Sundancer's Sandwich and Coffee Shop, watching Ditzy soar through the sky with a screaming and giggling Dinky on her back.
>Her mane is windblown and messy, missing all the beautiful braids that once crowned her head, but it still shines an ephemeral golden colour.
>Below, cantering through the snow after them is a worried looking Amethyst.
>Ditzy swoops low over you, giving a wave as Dinky laughs in delight.
>You smile affectionately as you sip your coffee.
>Hearth's Warming Eve Morning went off pretty well.
>It wasn't difficult to dress Ditzy up in a Genuine Daring Doo 'uniform' liberated from Dash's wardrobe, but a bit more to fit into the Special, Spitfire Suit.
>It was even less difficult to get Ditzy to teleport you and herself into the Royal Harem Spanking Room.
>But Ditzy made it difficult to convince the suddenly startled spanking sex slaves that you were the Hot Passion that was Spitfire, and that this mare was the Daring 'Ditzy' Doo.
>After explaining that Daring Doo had been hit with a curse to make her a bit goofy and needed pampering, STAT, Luna's Mares grabbed her and dragged her away.
>Leaving you with Celestia's Stallions.
>Who were skeptical that you were really Spitfire, cursed into being a horny stallion.
>But you were very persuasive.
>And hot.
>And explained you had kind of deliberately cursed yourself because you couldn't bare to think of all these stallions to not know what it feels like to cum on Hearth's Warming.
>It was downright criminal of Celestia to lock her stallions up in chastity, unable to even enjoy the day of cuming together.
>And the only way was gratiuitous homosexual action, which was why you sacrificed your femininity for a day to help them out.
>After such a moving, emotionally heartfelt speech, you were buried in booty.
>Needless to say, you managed to love ALL of them tenderly by the beginning of the day.
>Which was some time around 10 AM.
>And 10:05AM
>And 10:06, 10:07, 10:09, 10:11, etc.
>From consulting the auguries and observation of the solar movements, you had a hunch about where the Grog ended up going.
>Needless to say, you turned right around, and gave Celestia's Stallions a fucking to remember.
>Once all of them had been messy and exhileratingly fucked into the ground, and you had expended a fair amount of frustration with Celestia, you snuck into Luna's Harem Room, retrieved a happily dozing Ditzy, and convinced the pampered Pegasus to kind-of-not return to Ponyville.
>When you reappeared in Ditzy's living room, Ditzy hugged Dinky happily, Amy gave you the stink eye, and you chilled with a goofy grin on your face for the rest of the day.
>If there was one thing to come out of that experience, it was how you needed a harem of your own.
>Except less on restraint, and more on sitting back and watching them fuck each other senseless.
>And by coincidence, you met a possible future candidate the very next day.
>There's a sudden explosion of flame from your crotch.
>You look down as a scroll clatters onto the table.
>"Sorry," sniffles an en-blanketed Spike from your lap, rubbing his nose.
"Nah, it's alright," you dismiss, putting your cup of coffee down and opening the scroll for your little friend.
>You thought it would send a good message to Nurse Redheart that you aren't an evil pony and you genuinely do regret pretending to be a doctor if you started volunteering immediately.
>Which you are, and you do.
>Amythest dragged the poor dragon into Ponyville Hospital, saw you pushing a linen trolley, accused you of being at fault (for some unfathomable reason), and chucked him at you.
>Your Infernal Internal Heating instantly started helping him recover, and thus he's taken to sitting on your lap when you take lunch breaks from volunteering at the Hospital when he's not recuperating with the Doos.
>Consequently, you have been spending a fair amount of time with the little green and purple lizard helping him recover.
>And you've noticed something really worrying about the little guy.
>You hold the scroll in front of his face.
>Spike squints through bleary eyes at the words upon the page.
>"Dear Spike," he reads, sniffing, "Why do I not have coffee oh Celestia my head hurts! HURTS! Hurts so..."
>Seeing Spike's difficulty, you rotate the scroll 90 degrees.
>"..so much I wish you had never been hatched you worthless dragon why did you not stop me drinking Passion's drink why do i not have coffee in me oh Celestia send coffee coffee coffee..."
>Again sensing Spike's difficulty, you rotate the scroll this way and that, trying to figure out where in the messy scrawl Twilight starts up again.
>"...maybe on the back?" says Spike, tentatively.
>You obediantly  flip the scroll.
>"...send coffee," ventures Spike, "my head is going to explode oh stop the hurting please stop dying dying death send coffee you worthless lizard I hate you. Signed, Princess Twilight Sparkle, etc. etc.," finishes Spike with a sigh.
>You effortlessly roll up the scroll, and add it to the large pile already on the table.
>"Sounds like she REALLY needs coffee," Spike attempts to weakly joke.
"Yeah, but it's not YOUR fault that she got drunk on stolen liquor," you tartly riterate for the millionth time, "She has no right to send drunken hung-over hate messages to you, just like how she has no right to work you to death and deny you private time and everything for nothing in return!"
>"Yeah she does," worries the little drake, "'cause I didn't stop her back in the Library and she got possessed and now I'm being punished..."
>You let him waffle on with a sigh.
>You've been trying to install a backbone into Spike since you met him and decided on the spot that he was going to be in your harem once he grows up.
>The poor guy was all meek and depressed, thinking it was his fault that he was left behind, and not because Twilight is a white-alicorn obsessed bitch.
>And he didn't deserve it.
>Not when the poor guy began fretting over the state of the Castlebrary when he was on the verge of keeling over and dying.
>You've sloooowly been chipping away during your little meets, but thus far his stunning intuition towards everything else fails when you attempt to turn it on himself or Twilight.
>Sure, he soaks up all the information on how to date and manipulate white annoying unicorn mares into loving you, but as soon as his relationship with Twilight pops up he's all whiny and defensive.
>And the urge to install the backbone directly and violently through his arse is rising in the face of his frustrating stubbornness.
>But, you want to help the little guy out.
>Y'know, appreciate him.
>Help him grow.
>Enourage him to date stallions and mares.
>Help him deal with his...urges, when they turn out to be incompatable with teenty tiny pony rears.
>And slowly but sure accomodate him to the idea of being your regular bed warmer.
>But that is the future.
>You banish the happy thoughts of watching imperiously as an adolescent Spike's dick impales a screeching Daring Doo, and think seriously.
>Spike's loyalty is practically impenetrable to your repeated, and quite frankly exhausting well reasoned arguments.
>If reason won't shake his loyalty, then what would?
>You eye your cup of brown stimulant speculatively as a thought comes to you.
"Hey Spike, can you send coffee through dragon flame?" you enquire.
>The dragon sniffles, blowing his nose on his blanket.
>"Maybe?" he stuffily responds, "But if you did that, the coffee would probably spill all over the place on the other side."
>You nod, before pushing your drink before the tiny dragon.
"I shall selflessly sacrifice this, my Amber Drink, for a Worthy Cause," you utter pompously, "Go, Sir Spike! Send this precious beverage, to Princess Twilight, etc. etc., and quench the Royal Thirst!"
>The green dragon looks at the cup, then up at you.
>"But I just said it'd spill everywhere," says the Librarian Assistant, blankly.
>You nod gravely, before you casually pick up a random scroll, and recite.
"I wish you had never been hatched you worthless dragon," you read, flatly.
>"Well, yeah, but-"
>You pick up another one.
"You are a useless pony and should be left alone on Hearth's Warming," you continue.
>"But, she's..."
"I hate you so much and I am going to drown you when I get back to Ponyville," you read from another scroll.
>Spike remains silent, looking at the cup.
>You go to pick up another scroll-
>And the cup disappears in green flame.
>You grin, deviously.
>Success at last!
>You'll have him cursing Twilight's name in no time!
>And, once he has a few years on him, you'll have him screaming yours!
>The dragon crosses his dragon arms and grumps.
>But you know he'll probably start crying if you don't find a suitable distraction.
>Casting your eye around, you espy something perfect.
>And downright bizarre.
>Limping with pathetic 'Oos!' and 'Ahs!' down the street from the train station, wrapped in a strange series of gossamer silk ... scarves?
>Those...are scarves, wrapped in a strangely fashionable way around the legs, chest, belly, neck and head of a certain white unicorn mare.
>Half her face is obscured by a silvery curtain, almost like a veil.
>She dramatically 'OOOH's when she sees you and Spike, and pathetically, slowly, grunting and groaning and wailing she limps over in your direction.
>You watch, bemused, as an annoyed Sweetie Belle trails after her, carrying an overly large suitcase.
>She gets close to the table, before she cries out, and daintily falls onto the ground.
>She then drags her body a little distance through the slushy, muddy snow.
>"OHHH! Spikey Wikey!" she cries theatrically, "I have had THE WORST. POSSIBLE. HEARTH'S. WARMING. EVE!"
>A hoof goes to her brow and she 'ahs!' in pain, rubbing her silk-scarf en-scarved head.
>"Oh, look at me Spike!" she moans painfully from the ground, "Look at how hurt and DIRTY I am! I am the MOST miserable pony in all of Equestria!"
>Sweetie Belle snorts indelicately over the ridiculous looking unicorn.
>You feel Spike already raring to step in and help.
>You, however, wrap a hoof around Spike.
"Just play along," you mutter to the back of his head, before loudly clearing your throat.
>Spike, uncertain, stops.
"By golly Rarity!" you quickly say, shocked and appalled, "How in Equestria did you get so darn hurt?"
>Rarity, noticing she suddenly has a sexier audience, quickly magics up her lounge and flops back onto it.
>She quickly magics all the dirty and wetness from her elegant scarvework with a determined expression, and then lays back, looking berift of joy.
>"It was TERRIBLE!" she says, hooves trembling, "There was brown on purple, and lime green and dark red, and it. Was. TERRIBLE!"
>You gasp loudly in horror.
"You mean-" you utter.
>"YES dear!" she interrupts dramatically, "My parents colour choices for their tacky house were SO BAD that... they INJURED ME-HE-HEEE!" she sobs.
>You show the appropriate sorrow while fighting down an eye roll.
"So, those gorgeous scarves-"
>"Are bandages!" again interrupts Soap Opera Designer Pony, "After all, do you honestly think that I, Rarity, designer extrodinaire, would trot around in garish plain plaster?"
>She strikes a pose upon the chase lounge, similar to a Play Colt centre fold.
>In that she is draped in sear transparent and sensuous clothing, and she reveals many assets to you.
>And the awed baby dragon in your lap.
>"Only the most FASHIONABLE material should hold all my broken bones and elegant curves together!" she declares, adopting yet another revealing pose.
>You sigh like a fourteen year old girl who can't go to the Hyper Death Punk concert because she's too young.
"Oh without a doubt that's TERRIBLE Miss Rarity!" you proclaim, "But I think somepony ELSE has had a Hearth's Warming just as BAD!"
>"Who could have had a time that could have even ECLIPSED my suffering!" the white unicorn scoffs, looking at you skeptically.
>You casually place a stunned Spike on the table.
"Why, Spike here of course!" you announce, "Did you know that Twilight left him here, all alone in the Castlebrary?"
>When the confused purple dragon looks at you oddly, you incline your head ever so slightly and stare hard at him.
>The little guy 'oh's, before coughing and sniffling miserably.
>"It was terrible!" he wails, "Twilight had important business and I was ALL ALONE!"
>He's laying it on a bit thick but whatever.
>Rarity leans in a bit, looking mildly condescending.
>"Oh Spikey Wikey," she says in a tone similar to an uninterested parent to a fourteen year old girl throwing a tantrum after not being allowed to go to the Hyper Death Punk concert.
"AND THEN!" you add, "He was ATTACKED, by an Ice Demon!"
>"It was really scary!" he shivers, "I thought it was Twilight, but those eyes...those EYES!"
>Rarity blinks, looking a little more interested.
"The demon broke in, shattering the door like glass!" you dramatically narrate, "She stalked in, eyeing her prey, who was slaving away keeping the Castlebrary clean!"
>"I grabbed a book and tried to throw it, but it just bounced off!" bewoes Spike, before sneezing violently.
>Rarity jumps a bit, looking terrified.
"And then...the demon laughed, and unleashed a TERRIBLE SPELL!" you leap up and pose, waving your hooves over Spike.
>Spike falls onto his side, clutching the blanket to himself.
>"It was like I was being frozen, from the inside!" chatters the small lizard, "And it was so, so cold!"
"So cold, that he was NEARLY DEAD when I found him!" you dramatically state, grabbing the drake and holding him to yourself, "Our poor little Spikey was INCHES from DEATH!"
>Spike glares blankly at you.
>You give him a not-so-subtle wink.
>Spike rolls his eyes, before moaning piteously.
>Rarity is on the edge of her lounge, enraptured, hooves to her face in horror.
>"Oh, the horror!" moans Spike, "I saw a bright light, and I was moving towards it..."
"But I dragged him back, saying Rarity loved him, and he couldn't die without seeing her one. LAST. TIME!" you yell.
>Rarity gasps as you put Spike back on the table, and quickly wrap his blanket around him so it looks cape like.
"And lo!" you cry, "He arose, his heart beating, his love pushing back the evil demonic cold!"
>The prissy white unicorn grabs the heroic lizard in her hooves and holds him close.
>"Oh Spike!" she worries, "Is this true?"
>In response Spike sniffles meekly, lost in Rarity's eyes.
"And it get's WORSE!" you add, "For not only was poor Spike left alone, he was also abused!"
>Spike's head whips towards you.
>"Um, no, no I wasn't-" stammers the drake, but you will not be denied!
"Oh yes he WAS!" you urge, grabbing the pile of scrolls from the table, "For when Twilight learnt that Spike wasn't cleaning the library, but was sick, cold and near death in a bed, she began sending THESE!"
>You dump the scrolls at Rarity's hooves.
>"No, no you don't, seriously stop-" begs the little lizard.
>Rarity, heedless of Spike's impassioned pleas, opens a scroll and reads Twilight's drunken hate message.
>She reads another, and another, Spike cringing and trying to explain Twilight's behaviour.
>Before finally the unicorn snaps.
>"Now REALLY Spike!" says an outraged Rarity, "Making up such things about Twilight! No doubt this rogue here," she gestures to you, "taught you some things about playing with a mare's heart!"
>She puts Spike back onto the table, and looks him straight in the eye.
>"Now Spike, you should know better than to make up several self-abusing scrolls to get me to pity you," she airily dismisses, "ESPECIALLY when they say that Twilight, who has done NOTHING but help you, is an evil mare!"
>You grimace.
>This has gone south rather quickly.
>At least until Spike suddenly coughs up a scroll.
>It is quickly encased in glowing blue magic.
>"Oh? A REAL message from Twilight?" says Rarity, imperiously and condescendingly staring at Spike, "Let's see what she REALLY thinks about you!"
>She opens the seal and unfurls it.
>From the back you can see coffee stains and several points in the paper which have been torn open from furious quill writing.
>Rarity gets about five seconds in before she explodes.
>"That, that no good WHORSE!" she yells indignant, "COME, Spikey Wikey!" she suddenly magics the drake onto her back, "I'm going to take you home and take care of you, because CLEARLY Twilight doesn't care enough to!"
>She 'humphs', trotting off towards her Boutique.
>Her limp and previous weakness is completely missing.
>Spike looks at you, stunned, from Rarity's back.
>You give him a grin and a slight nod.
>Spike looks from Rarity's mane, to you.
>Before nodding in an impressed fashion, giving you a thumbs up.
>Sweetie Belle 'Arghs!', trailing behind with her luggage, grumbling all the way.
>You wave them off, and turn back to the table.
>To find it suddenly occupied by three other ponies.
"Ah, Miss Yearling!" you say in surprise to the grey hatted, purple dressed grey mare across from you, "And Miss Fire Thighs!" you add, turning to the anxious looking yellow mare wearing a red bonnet and a rather Gothic looking dress, "What a pleasure to see you both here!"
>You turn to the other mare at the table.
"And Rainbow Dash!" you quip, "Shouldn't you be in Cloudsdale meeting the Wonderbolts?"
>Rainbow groans loudly.
>"How did you know it was me!?" she yells, pulling off the fake mustache, flipping off the wig, yanking the girl scouts uniform off, and seemingly shrinking two inches back to her normal self.
>You look between the rather nervous Daring Doo and skittish Spitfire speculatively.
>Inside you are very worried.
>There's no way they're here by accident.
>Did they figure out that you had crudely framed them for breaking into the Royal Harem Quarters?
>To buy time, and to calm yourself, you glance at Rainbow, and back to Daring Doo, as if to say "Have you told her about the Rules?".
>She grimaces, and makes a so-so motion with her hoof to communicate "Well, kind of, sort of... not yet.".
>You raise an eyebrow at her, to emit "Seriously?".
>"What are you two doing?" says Rainbow loudly, suddenly on the table, looking between you and analyzing Yearling's hoof with interest.
>In response, Spitfire simply gestures to Rainbow's obviousness.
>You nod in understanding.
"Well...throw the duck and goose, become the Weaver King," you say to Rainbow, moving your hooves in a faux boxing stance.
>The Multi-Spectral Maned Mare head snaps to you, and her glare is the fire of a thousand stars.
>"You..." she loudly threatens.
>"Shush!" hisses the Yellow Gothic Pegasus, grabbing Rainbow and sitting her down, before looking around worriedly.
>The Rainbow Mare struggles awkwardly in Spitfire's ruffles.
>"SO PASSION," says Daring Doo loudly and clearly, "my good....friend," she grimaces, "We have come here to sit and have a ... chat. Over Coffee."
>You smile bemusedly, before turning to an equally bemused and watching Sundancer at the front counter, and order a coffee, a mocha latte, an iced double expresso, and whatever Rainbow Dash usually has.
>From your seat.
>AT elevated volume.
>Daring Doo tries to hide further under her hat, Spitfire tries to shrink into herself, and Rainbow slips out of Spitfire's ruffles and sits down, grumping.
>But importantly, they don't all jump you.
>And what's more, they REALLY don't want to attract attention.
>Now THIS is weird.
>Why ARE they here then, if not to call you out?
>After being served, you take a sip of coffee, and look over at Daring Doo.
"So, what's up Miss Yearling?" you ask in an overly polite fashion, "Looking for pointers for sex positions again for the 'illegal' version of your new book?"
>Startled, Rainbow Dash spills her Whey Protein Passionfruit thickshake.
>"Cut the crap Passion," bites Daring Doo, "This is bucking serious."
>You take a long, leisurely sip of the coffee, revelling in the stimulant, Daring Doo and Spitfire's growing unease and frustration, and Rainbow Dash's angry attempts to clean up the mess with serviettes.
"Alright Doo," you finally whisper, "What is it that is so important that you're willing to break...The Rules."
>Spitfire and Doo lean in, as Rainbow curses loudly and goes to another table to grab more serviettes.
>"Have you heard anything from the other villains about...us?" asks Spitfire urgently, "Something recent?"
>You give Spitfire a dismissive sneer as Rainbow very loudly asks for another Whey Protein Passion Fruit Thick Shake.
"I haven't heard anything," you grunt back sourly, "I've been kicked out of the Villain Gambling Ring, courtesy of Celestia stealing the party Grog off me."
>Spitfire's eyebrows disappear into her bonnet, "Wait, Celestia stole the Grog for the Bash?"
>You nod angrily.
>You're still not happy about that.
>Spitfire looks at Daring Doo, and Daring Doo stares back.
>"Wait, so what's going on?" loudly asks Rainbow Dash.
>"Hmmmm..." Hmmmms Daring Doo, "I think...I think I know who framed us!"
>"Who?" asks Rainbow, sipping loudly from her the thickshake.
>"Why, it's obvious," says Spitfire, "Who else has the power to break through the many, many protections over the Royal Harem Quarters?"
"Not me," you grumble venomously at Daring Doo.
>"Who else would steal all of Luna's Shampoo and Conditioner?" elaborates Daring Doo, "Who else would turn all of Celestia's Stallions gay?"
>Your frown wobbles.
>What?
>...Wh-ha-ha-hat!?
>You turned all of Celestia's Stallions gay!?
>You think your eyes are sparkling as you try and not smile like a mother fucking champion as Doo continues.
>"And who else would have a major grudge against Celestia, who had stolen all of the alcohol for his party?" concludes Spitfire, nodding.
>The Cyan Weather Pone taps her chin with the straw from her thickshake.
>"...Discord?" guesses Rainbow Dash, "But then, who was the second mare?"
>"Most likely Chrysalis," deduces Daring Doo, "She HATES us after we broke into her room and stole her Royal Honey. She probably came up with the idea to frame us!"
>"Thanks for the help Passion," says the purple-cloaked, grey pegasus as she stands, "Hurry up and become a villain again!"
>Rainbow looks at you oddly, before Spitfire grabs her and all three zoom off into the sky.
>The annoyance you feel from Daring Dipshit revealing to Rainbow Dash that you might actually be a villain is smothered by the Smug.
>The Smug of a tax-dodger who has sucessfully dodged the IRS, FBI and SHIELD.
>The Smug of Allec Baldwin's Oscar Acceptance Speech.
>The Smug of a Mother Fucker who was SO good, he turned stallions devoted to lovingly reaming Celestia's arse, into butt-munching homos.
>The Smug of someone who actually managed to get away with it without anyone knowing.
>Your grin is wide.
>Your teeth glisten in the light of the sun.
>You think the sparkle in your eyes could be seen from space.
>See? Those ponies over there think your eyes are sparkling so bad, they're wearing sunglasses.
>You blink, suddenly looking closer at the shuffling mares, recognition dawning.
>With a smile, you grab your coffee and trot over.
"Hey Bon Bon! Hey Lyra!" you loudly shout, "What's up?"
>Lyra goes statue still...and tips over onto the snowy ground.
>Bon Bon grimaces, steals your coffee, drinks it in one gulp, then tosses the cup at you.
>"Buck you you bucking buck bucker!" bucks Bon Bon as the cup bounces off your head.
>Well that's not very nice.
>Looks like somepony has shared the Grog with more than just the Alicorn Royalty.
"Golly!" you say very loudly and slightly higher pitched, "You don't seem to be in a very good mood today! How was your visit to Canterlot?"
>Lyra begins to emit a high-pitched keening sound as Bon Bon winces.
>"Shut. Up," grinds out the Super Duper Secret Agent, "I have a headache and a half between my hangover and Celestia losing her shit."
"Celestia lost her shit?" you respond, curious.
>"Yes," hisses Bon Bon, "Daring Doo and Spitfire turned all her Harem gay, and she would not. Shut. UP."
>Lyra twitches from the ground.
>You put a hoof up in front of Bon Bon's face.
>The indignant Super Spy sunglasses follow you as you quickly trot back to the table and grab the left-behind mocha-latte.
>You come back and wave it in front of Lyra's face.
"Can't have the real Super Duper Spy be off her guard," you say seriously.
>The sickly cyan unicorn tenderly takes the coffee in her hooves, curling up.
>"Lyra's not a Super Duper Spy," says an irritated Bon Bon.
"I dunno," you say thoughtfully, "she was a lot more useful than you, using her awesome Thread Skills to stop me, Celestia, and then to tie me to Celestia. All you did was pointlessly wail on Celestia, not really doing damage."
>"I was not doing pointless damage!" angrily responds Bon Bon, "I was distracting her and blinding her so Twilight and Luna could hit her!"
"Sure, sure," you condescendingly say, petting Lyra's head, "So you were saying about Daring Doo and Spitfire?"
>Bon Bon humphs at you.
>"Oh, sure!" chirps Lyra from beneath your hoof, "So...um...I can't remember." she weakly and sheepishly finishes.
"I understand if you can't say anything sensative," you nod to her in understanding, "I'm just asking your underling, who is less privy to dangerous information."
>You look at Bon Bon, pointedly and patiently.
>Bon Bon grinds her teeth.
>"Don't. Bucking. Do. This," you grunts at you dangerously, "You OWE me."
"Do I?" you think, "I mean, you saved my life by not telling Celestia about me on Nightmare Night, but then you stabbed me in the Post Office."
>Lyra winces from her curled up position on the ground.
"You didn't tell Celestia about me a few nights ago, but you tried to stop me from saving Equestria, stabbed me in the Castle and chucked me out a window," you ponder out loud, "So at this point...I think we're actually equal."
>Bon Bon leans in, her breath reeking.
>"I. Will. End. You," she grunts.
"Pffft," you shrug her off, "No you won't. The only mare that I need to appease is the REAL Super Duper Uber Spy."
>You lean down and nuzzle a startled Lyra.
"How about after your head stops aching I buck you senseless?" you ask suggestively, "After all, you DID help me stop the Winter Queen."
>Lyra's eyes widen, and she gasps.
>Before she grimaces, rubbing her head.
>"Um, maybe later?" she responds awkwardly.
>You nod with a small smile, before turning to an infuriated Bon Bon.
"Oh calm down, I'm just annoying you," you dismiss, "You nearly killed me multiple times a few nights ago!"
>The cream-coloured mare furiously glares at you so hard you swear you can see the sunglasses begin to melt.
"Look," you appease the Bon Bon, "I just ran into Daring Doo, Spitfire and Rainbow Dash. They were asking about Discord and Chrysalis, before they ran off. Does that help?"
>Bon Bon's possibly half-melted dark glasses reflect your face as she leans in, suspicious.
>"Really?" she tentatively asks.
"Yeah," you nod, "Rainbow's Thickshake is still on the table over there," you gesture.
>In a flash Bon Bon zips over to the table, holding up the cup.
>She quickly scurries over the table and seats, deep in investigation mode.
>Lyra weakly stands up on her legs beside you, frowning.
>"Great," she groans, "Now I won't be able to sleep this off, because she'll drag me off onto this looking for evidence thing."
"Or you could just go home and sleep," you reply in a sotto voice, "The sooner your head clears, the sooner you can get off. Multiple Times."
>Lyra looks at you with sudden realization, before turning around and trotting home rapidly without so much as a good bye.
>Bon Bon quickly zips back, holding several hairs and swabs in plastic baggies.
>"It turns out you were right. THIS time," she grumbles, waving the evidence in front of you, "and...argh, now it's my problem," she loudly groans, "and all I want to do is sleep it off at home but I can't because Celestia wants to kill them and...urgh..."
"Is it a bad time to mention that Berry Juice accidentally broke into your house last night?" you enquire.
>Bon Bon groans.
"And in your kitchen en route to your fridge she fell onto a hidden switch?"
>Bon Bon groans louder.
"And Officer Brick came in to help her out, and discovered all your weapons?"
>Bon Bon flops onto the ground, clutching her head and groaning and moaning.
>"He's probably confiscated them all! Kill me now," she begs, "Just kill me right bucking now."
"I'm afraid I can't do that," you quip cheerfully, "I'm not a Villain anymore, you will be happy to know."
>Bon Bon is silent, before she raises her sunglassses.
>Her bloodshot, sunken eyes hold enough energy to ignite your body.
>"You're just saying that so I can't legally stalk you anymore, aren't you," she states rather than asks.
>You blink at her.
"Wait, you were LEGALLY stalking me?" you ask, incredulous.
>Bon Bon grunts.
>Groans.
>Shivers.
>Before shrieking in rage and frustration.
>She quickly stands back up, furiously stamping her hoofs in the slurry as she heads off towards the Police Station.
>You stand there, looking after her, the Smug threatening to return.
>It's all going according to your plan.
>Bon Bon is now without weapons, meaning your life is now looking a lot more less likely to suddenly end.
>You're surprised Bon Bon didn't call you out on the whole Berry Juice thing.
>It took a HELL of a lot of work to set that up.
>Discretely convincing Berry that Bon Bon had Moon Shine.
>Discretely inferring that the Moon Shine was hidden in a secret fridge that needed a secret switch to get at it.
>Discretely getting Brick to follow Berry and discover the weapons.
>All while Berry was drunk, Brick was sober, and without anypony knowing that YOU did it.
>Although now you feel that the whole thing was overkill if Bon Bon is just going to not make enquiries.
>Still, better safe than sorry.
>You look away from the departing angry Bon Bon, and come snout to snout with a pink face with bright blue eyes.
>"Hi!" she chirps.
>You take the opportunity to hug the Pinkie Pie.
>"Hiya Pinkie Pie!" you utter into her mane, smelling that unique Mystery Pinkie Pie brand of shampoo.
>She 'Awww's happily, hugging back, "It's good to see you too Passion."
>You nuzzle into her neck.
>Oh good lord you missed her so, so much!
>After all this too too short time, thinking on how pissed off you are at everypony, how close you came to dying, to maybe never seeing her again...
>It's bringing a tear to your eye!
>...
>Oh fuck you're actually tearing up.
>Oh shit.
>Not now!
>Just, just man up, alright!?
>Don't fall apart now!
>Just, pull it together!
>After a few moments you're still hugging.
>"Um, Passion..?" she asks tentatively.
>You quickly sniffle, failing to man up.
>Well shit, this is happening now.
>How long can you hide your shame in Pinkie's mane?
>"Passion?" she asks a bit more worriedly, tapping your back.
>Evidently not much longer.
>Well, nothing for it.
>You let out a thready sigh, before leaning back.
"Sorry Pinkie," you say wobbily, "It's been... a really crap Hearth's Warming."
>The Party Pink Pone's eyes narrow, taking in your glistening eyes and shuddering breath.
"SO!" you pipe up, attempting to brighten your voice a bit, "How was yours?"
>The Pink Pony continues to stare at you, pouting a bit in suspicion.
>Before leaning back on her hind legs.
>And holding her front hooves out wide.
>...
>Well fuck.
>You latch onto her little candy self again, and try and not sob too loudly into her neck.
>She hugs back, petting your back.
>Eventually you've drained all of your bitch out, and you take a deep breath, and release it, feeling lighter.
>You lean back, and clear your throat.
"Um, sorry about that," you apologise, "so, um, how WAS the Apple Pie Family Hearth's Warming?"
>"Oh it was alright..." she ventures thoughtfully, eager to see you brighten up, "in a kind of sort of really really really good, but really really really bad sort of way?" she ventures thoughtfully.
>You nod in sage understanding.
>She tells her tale of the Hearth's Warming Celebration Clusterfuck as you both trot back to the cafe and sit at your table.
>You sit and listen patiently, growing increasingly incredulous.
"Good lord that sounds incredibly awkward," you cringe, "I mean, even after the whole apology thing I would be mortified if that happened to me."
>"Ah, but weren't you the one who said that you need to push on past embarrasment and just flop your dick all over the place?" counters Pinkie.
"Pfft!" you dismiss, "That's for when you're hitting on ponies. Ponies always like a floppy dick flopping around. But breaking an ancient sacred boulder? Ruining all those traditions? Soiling all those memories and that history? Only coming to the realization afterwards how much of a dumbass you'd been? On one of the most important days of the year? Heck, I'm surprised that Applejack didn't just die and wither into the ground right there."
>"Ah almost did," speaks up the Cowboy Pony.
>You leap a good foot off the bench.
"Jimminy Crickets Applejack!" you gasp, "How long were you sitting there for?"
>"The lahst ten minutes," she responds.
"Are you suuuuure?" you ask Applejack. Not waiting for an answer you quickly turn to Pinkie, "Is she suuuure?"
>"Nope, she's not sure," quips Pinkie, "She's Applejack."
>"An Applejack is the Element of Honesty!" triumphs the orange earth pony, before she deflates a bit, "Or ah was. Am. Darnit, where is Twilight when y'need her?"
"Probably nose deep in Celestia's-"
>"NeverMAHND," yells Applejack at you, "mah point is ah always am shure. Like how ah'm shure you were cryin' like a little foal earlier. Ah left cause ah thought you jiss wanted sum privacy. Then I came bahk, an' you were talkin' 'bout mah Hearth's Warmin'."
"Well it couldn't have been worse than mine," you say, getting back on the seat, "I got stabbed in the eye."
>Pinkie freezes, looking at you with mild horror.
>Applejack leans in and looks at your perfectly fine eyeball.
>She raises a disbelieving eyebrow.
"I got better," you explain, "ask Nurse Redheart whenever she get's back from Canterlot. She treated me, and wrapped me in bandages, and said she would kill me if I left the bed."
>Applejack nods condescendingly.
"Or ask Bon Bon, who actually did it," you continue in the face of Applejack's disbelief of the facts, "Or Roseluck! She practically fainted on me when I bled all over her."
>The Orange Pony of Ignorance pats you on the head.
>"Ahm shure it was horrifyin'," she says flatly.
>You turn to Pinkie, who is sitting rigid in her seat.
"Why are ponies so unkind?" you ask the Party Pone.
>"Passion," stiffly states the Pink, "please don't SCARE me like that!"
>You blink stupidly.
>Way to be a smooth motherfucker.
>You quickly get up, go over to Pinkie, and cuddle her.
"Like I said, I had a crap Hearth's Warming," you say placatingly.
>She nuzzles back, concerned.
>Applejack scoffs from across the table, as a yellow feathered pegasus effortlessly and gracefully glides in.
"Hello everypony!" says Fluttershy, showing rare excitement, "How was your Hearth's Warming?"
>You all look at each other, then back to Fluttershy.
>"Well, er..." waffles Pinkie Pie.
>"Um, it was..."trails off Apllejack.
"It sucked," you state, "A lot."
>Fluttershy is momentarily upset for you all, before beaming again.
>"Um, I'm sorry, but I had a wondeful Hearth's Warming Eve with my father and my mother, and my brother didn't show up and it was amazing!" she squees cheerfully.
>Awww.
>Doesn't she look adorable.
>Pinkie hops over the table and hugs the timid pegasus.
>"That's good to hear," she sighs.
"Yeah. Applejack and Pinkie Pie had a cringeworthy Hearth's Warming where both families nearly ruined their familial memories," you begin to summarize, "Rarity was assaulted and badly beaten, Rainbow Dash has gotten mixed up with Spitfire and Daring Doo and they've all been framed for something Discord did and are on the run from the law, Spike nearly froze to death, I nearly died because I lost the Grog for the Bash, I'm guessing the Villains had a bad time because Celestia stole the Grog off me, Celestia, Twilight and Luna got horrifically drunk and nearly died and everypony else nearly froze to death because of it."
>You wave your hooves out wide and wave them in front of the horrified ponies.
"So, yeah, everything sucks, but that day is in the past, gone, cut from the playlist, and we're moving into a new year!" you continue hopefully.
>You pose dramatically, eyes sparkling.
>Honestly you're excited and hopeful for the future, and just glad you're on this side of Christmas.
>And now Pinkie's back, who knows?
>Maybe take her out for a date, and slowly establish a decent relationship with the lovable pink party pony?
>Maybe she can be the Head Honcho of your future Harem?
>Maybe you can grow your soon to be burgeoning Harem?
>Maybe you will continue to successfully get back at everypony for their dickishness?
>Maybe you will finally fuck Thunderlane?
>Maybe you'll get your Villain Card back?
>But those are all things for the future.
>And right now...
>You trot around the table and bodily snuggle into Pinkie Pie.
>This is all you want to do for the forseeable future.
>You sigh happily as you feel Pinkie's head turn into your chest.
>"Passion," she says, uncharacteristically serious, "What happened on Hearth's Warming?"

END OF HEARTH'S WARMING EVE ARC