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Facade!

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  1. FACADE STAGEPLAY
  2. Thu Aug 23 19 48 04 2012
  3.  
  4. (Ian knocks on the front door.)
  5.  
  6. (Ian knocks on the front door.)
  7.  
  8. (Ian knocks on the front door.)
  9.  
  10. TRIP
  11. Where are the new wine glasses? -- (interrupted)
  12.  
  13. TRIP
  14. Oh, he's here!
  15.  
  16. GRACE
  17. What?! You said he's coming an hour from now!
  18.  
  19. TRIP
  20. No, he's right on time!
  21.  
  22. GRACE
  23. Trip...!
  24.  
  25. IAN
  26. OPEN
  27.  
  28. (Trip opens the front door.)
  29.  
  30. TRIP
  31. Ian!!
  32.  
  33. TRIP
  34. Hey!   God  it's been so long since we've seen you!  -- (interrupted)
  35.  
  36. (IAN kisses trip.)
  37.  
  38. TRIP
  39. Oh... you're doing the European-style greeting...  
  40.  
  41. TRIP
  42.  we just got back from a trip to Italy, but the men only did that with women... generally... but, -- (interrupted)
  43.  
  44. TRIP
  45. Uh, it'll be just a sec while I go get Grace...
  46.  
  47. GRACE
  48. No, no, here we are!
  49.  
  50. (IAN kisses grace.)
  51.  
  52. GRACE
  53. Ian,  -- (interrupted)
  54.  
  55. GRACE
  56. Oh, yes, let's...  (polite kiss on cheek)
  57.  
  58. GRACE
  59.    Ian,  you're so sweet.
  60.  
  61. GRACE
  62. So, come in, make yourself at home...
  63.  
  64. IAN
  65. I need some dosh right now!
  66.  
  67. GRACE
  68. Aw, ha ha ha!
  69.  
  70. GRACE
  71. By the way, you look fabulous!
  72.  
  73. GRACE
  74. So,    Ian,  I'm hoping you can help me understand where I went wrong with my new decorating, ha ha.  
  75.  
  76. (Trip closes the front door.)
  77.  
  78. IAN
  79. I don't like your decorating
  80.  
  81. TRIP
  82. uh... uh, heh heh...
  83.  
  84. GRACE
  85. (nervous coughing)
  86.  
  87. TRIP
  88. you, uh...
  89.  
  90. TRIP
  91. that's, uh...
  92.  
  93. GRACE
  94. (nervous coughing)
  95.  
  96. TRIP
  97. ha ha, heh...
  98.  
  99. GRACE
  100. ha ha ha ha ha, heh...
  101.  
  102. TRIP
  103. heh, ha ha ha!
  104.  
  105. IAN
  106. What the heck?
  107.  
  108. GRACE
  109. ha ha ha ha ha!!
  110.  
  111. TRIP
  112. Ha ha ha,    Ian,
  113.  
  114. GRACE
  115. heh heh heh...
  116.  
  117. TRIP
  118. heh, you had me going there for a sec...
  119.  
  120. TRIP
  121. heh, ha ha...
  122.  
  123. TRIP
  124. Never afraid to push your luck, heh heh heh...
  125.  
  126. TRIP
  127. put us on the spot...
  128.  
  129. TRIP
  130. heh heh, you're crazy, you know that?
  131.  
  132. TRIP
  133. ha ha...
  134.  
  135. TRIP
  136. (big sigh)
  137.  
  138. TRIP
  139. Anyway... what were we talking about, heh?
  140.  
  141. IAN
  142. You guys are really akward
  143.  
  144. TRIP
  145. Oh,    -- (interrupted)
  146.  
  147. IAN
  148. Drinks
  149.  
  150. TRIP
  151. Oh, yeah, let me fix us all some drinks in a sec!
  152.  
  153. TRIP
  154. Ah, you need to help me break in my expensive new set of cocktail making accessories.
  155.  
  156. TRIP
  157. Ian,  Come here, I want you to look at this!
  158.  
  159. (IAN points to the italy picture.)
  160.  
  161. GRACE
  162. Ian,  come over here and sit on the couch with me.
  163.  
  164. (IAN points to the italy picture.)
  165.  
  166. TRIP
  167. No, hold on.  Now,  -- (interrupted)
  168.  
  169. GRACE
  170. Trip, darling, your obsession with that photo of yours is making our friend uncomfortable.
  171.  
  172. (IAN sits on the couch.)
  173.  
  174. TRIP
  175. (little sigh)
  176.  
  177. GRACE
  178. Ian,  seeing you again makes me remember the wonderful times we all used to have. -- (interrupted)
  179.  
  180. PHONE
  181. ** RING **
  182.  
  183. GRACE
  184. Oh, I'll get it --
  185.  
  186. TRIP
  187. No, no no no, our friend's here, we can let the answering machine get it.
  188.  
  189. PHONE
  190. ** RING **
  191.  
  192. GRACE
  193. Trip, no, I want --
  194.  
  195. TRIP
  196. Grace, come on, don't be rude.
  197.  
  198. (IAN gets up from the couch.)
  199.  
  200. TRIP
  201. It's probably just one your art gallery friends, it seems like they're always calling you. -- (interrupted)
  202.  
  203. PHONE
  204. ** RING **
  205.  
  206. (IAN picks up the phone.)
  207.  
  208. (IAN puts down the phone.)
  209.  
  210. TRIP
  211. Ian,  no!  Don't do that.
  212.  
  213. PHONE
  214. Hello?  Hello?
  215.  
  216. (IAN picks up the phone.)
  217.  
  218. (IAN puts down the phone.)
  219.  
  220. (IAN uses the answering machine.)
  221.  
  222. ANSWERING MACHINE
  223. No new messages
  224.  
  225. TRIP
  226. Uhh, that's my mother, I can hear her loud voice.
  227.  
  228. GRACE
  229. Oh!
  230.  
  231. (IAN uses the answering machine.)
  232.  
  233. ANSWERING MACHINE
  234. No new messages
  235.  
  236. TRIP
  237. Oh, good, you hung up. I don't want to talk to her.
  238.  
  239. GRACE
  240. Oh, I wanted to say hello --
  241.  
  242. TRIP
  243. No no, come on, we're entertaining a friend in our new apartment...
  244.  
  245. TRIP
  246. the last thing I want to do is talk to my parents.
  247.  
  248. IAN
  249. I want some drinks
  250.  
  251. TRIP
  252. Oh, uh...
  253.  
  254. GRACE
  255. How nice of you to say that.  Isn't it good to see our friend after so long?
  256.  
  257. IAN
  258. Drinks
  259.  
  260. TRIP
  261. Yeah, hang on, ooh, I'm going to make you one of my fabulous drinks in just a minute!
  262.  
  263. GRACE
  264. Uhh,    Ian,  try not to encourage him. -- (interrupted)
  265.  
  266. TRIP
  267. Huh, I think I forgot how well you two get along...
  268.  
  269. GRACE
  270. (big sigh)
  271.  
  272. GRACE
  273. Oh God,    Ian,  I hope you didn't come here tonight to be entertained...
  274.  
  275. TRIP
  276. What?
  277.  
  278. GRACE
  279. Listen to us, we're arguing in front of our friend. -- (interrupted)
  280.  
  281. IAN
  282. Drinks
  283.  
  284. GRACE
  285. Okay, okay, this is getting really tiresome...!
  286.  
  287. GRACE
  288. You know what, I'll be right back.
  289.  
  290. TRIP
  291. Grace, what are you --
  292.  
  293. GRACE
  294. No you two keep talking about the bar and drinks and the amazing view and everything...
  295.  
  296. TRIP
  297. What?  Where are you going?
  298.  
  299. IAN
  300. I WANT MY DRINKS
  301.  
  302. GRACE
  303. I'll just be in the kitchen.
  304.  
  305. TRIP
  306. (frustrated sigh)
  307.  
  308. IAN
  309. Now can I get my drinks?
  310.  
  311. TRIP
  312. Um, Grace, darling, could you --
  313.  
  314. TRIP
  315. could you bring out s - some of those... those...
  316.  
  317. TRIP
  318.  spiced walnut... shiitake mushroom... uhh... norwegian salmon...
  319.  
  320. TRIP
  321. thingies... on those fancy crackers?  You know, from our last party... honey?
  322.  
  323. TRIP
  324. Grace, uh, has a passion for hors doeurves, uh...  uh... If -- if it fits on a cracker, Grace will put it there.
  325.  
  326. IAN
  327. Gimme drink
  328.  
  329. TRIP
  330. Well, I'm sorry that we're all having this... misunderstanding... tonight.
  331.  
  332. TRIP
  333. (frustrated sigh)
  334.  
  335. (IAN picks up a martini glass 1.)
  336.  
  337. (IAN puts down a martini glass 1.)
  338.  
  339. (IAN picks up a martini glass 2.)
  340.  
  341. TRIP
  342. We're fine, you know, we -- we're fine, this -- this is just...
  343.  
  344. (IAN puts down a martini glass 2.)
  345.  
  346. IAN
  347. I NEED SOME ALCOHOL FOR ME
  348.  
  349. TRIP
  350. Heh, we've been a little stressed out lately, with our -- with our new work project, and -- (interrupted)
  351.  
  352. IAN
  353. DRINKS
  354.  
  355. GRACE
  356. Trip?
  357.  
  358. TRIP
  359. Hey -- hey, uh...   Ian,
  360.  
  361. TRIP
  362. I meant to tell you, we're going to have this big, big party next weekend.
  363.  
  364. TRIP
  365. Do you -- do you think you can make it?  
  366.  
  367. TRIP
  368. It's gonna be great. -- (interrupted)
  369.  
  370. IAN
  371. yes
  372.  
  373. TRIP
  374. Sweet...
  375.  
  376. TRIP
  377. Hey, hey, uh -- why don't you, um... invite that woman in accounting you were telling me about... um...
  378.  
  379. TRIP
  380. What was her name...
  381.  
  382. TRIP
  383. Vanessa?
  384.  
  385. GRACE
  386. Who?
  387.  
  388. TRIP
  389. Uhh... Oh!  Uh, it's, uh, she -- she -- she's a, she -- she's this interesting woman that, uh, our friend works with.
  390.  
  391. IAN
  392. Yeah, Vanessa
  393.  
  394. TRIP
  395. She's, uh... into what, skydiving... or was it scuba diving...?
  396.  
  397. IAN
  398. Skydiving
  399.  
  400. GRACE
  401. Ian,  you've been telling Trip about interesting women at your work? -- (interrupted)
  402.  
  403. IAN
  404. Ahem, drinks
  405.  
  406. TRIP
  407. W -- well, uh, I'm going to open an exquisite Bordeaux!
  408.  
  409. IAN
  410. No
  411.  
  412. TRIP
  413. What? Oh, I, I thought you'd love that...!
  414.  
  415. IAN
  416. Merlot
  417.  
  418. GRACE
  419. Trip our friend isn't as excited by your suggestion as you are.
  420.  
  421. TRIP
  422. Best of the best, you can't buy this in stores... Very, very special --
  423.  
  424. IAN
  425. Merlot
  426.  
  427. GRACE
  428. God Trip, you're just like my dad with the whole wine snob thing.
  429.  
  430. IAN
  431. MERLOT
  432.  
  433. TRIP
  434. I'll take that as a compliment.     Ian,  what do you say?
  435.  
  436. GRACE
  437. Ian,  how about something simple, like a nice glass of chardonnay?
  438.  
  439. IAN
  440. MERLOT MERLOT MERLOT
  441.  
  442. IAN
  443. YES
  444.  
  445. GRACE
  446. Okay, Trip, that's what he wants!
  447.  
  448. TRIP
  449. No, this is a special get-together, I want to open this wine, I'm not going to settle less!
  450.  
  451. GRACE
  452. You seem perfectly happy settling for less when you sneak off to that crappy little sports bar down the street!
  453.  
  454. IAN
  455. CHARDONNAY
  456.  
  457. TRIP
  458. What?!
  459.  
  460. GRACE
  461. Don't think I don't know about your secret little hangout where you watch football and drink lite beer with lowly construction workers...
  462.  
  463. IAN
  464. CHARDONNAY
  465.  
  466. TRIP
  467. How -- how do you -- how do you know about that --
  468.  
  469. GRACE
  470. If only the guys at your high class poker games knew about that, huh?
  471.  
  472. TRIP
  473. What -- you --
  474.  
  475. GRACE
  476. Some habits are hard to break I guess.
  477.  
  478. IAN
  479. DRINK TIME
  480.  
  481. TRIP
  482. Ahh, this is bullshit!
  483.  
  484. GRACE
  485. Ahh, no, you're full of shit!
  486.  
  487. GRACE
  488. Your goddamn sports bar... -- (interrupted)
  489.  
  490. IAN
  491. GIMME DRINKS
  492.  
  493. TRIP
  494. Ian,  wait, I can't fix you a drink right now!
  495.  
  496. GRACE
  497. You so desperately want to be high class!  So badly! -- (interrupted)
  498.  
  499. IAN
  500. FUCKING LIAR
  501.  
  502. GRACE
  503. Look, at this point, criticizing me is just going to make it really really bad!
  504.  
  505. TRIP
  506. (little impatient sigh)     Ian,  can you believe this?
  507.  
  508. (IAN knocks on the front door.)
  509.  
  510. (IAN opens the front door.)
  511.  
  512. IAN
  513. I was gonna give you pizza
  514.  
  515. GRACE
  516. What, what are you saying?
  517.  
  518. (IAN picks up the red wine bottle.)
  519.  
  520. GRACE
  521. Your goddamn drinks....
  522.  
  523. GRACE
  524. Trip, all this stuff you do, you're just trying to make us look like we're some kind of perfect happy couple!  Like we're so happy!
  525.  
  526. TRIP
  527. Oh, god...!
  528.  
  529. IAN
  530. But since you can't do shit
  531.  
  532. TRIP
  533. Yeah, okay, okay, again with that, yeah, okay...
  534.  
  535. IAN
  536. I'm leaving
  537.  
  538. GRACE
  539. Okay, you know what,     Ian,
  540.  
  541. IAN
  542. Without the pizza
  543.  
  544. GRACE
  545. I need to ask you something.
  546.  
  547. TRIP
  548. Grace --
  549.  
  550. GRACE
  551. Trip, let me ask our guest a question.
  552.  
  553. IAN
  554. So fuck a melon, GOODBYE
  555.  
  556. GRACE
  557. Ian,  yes or no...
  558.  
  559. GRACE
  560. In a marriage, shouldn't one person try to make their spouse a better person, even if they don't want it?
  561.  
  562. IAN
  563. SHUT THE FUCK UP BITCH
  564.  
  565. GRACE
  566. Look, you don't need answer, I don't need to hear anymore!
  567.  
  568. GRACE
  569. Don't you see, Trip?!  Our marriage... is a sham, Trip!  Don't you see that?  It's all fake, all pretend...
  570.  
  571. TRIP
  572. Oh, Christ...!
  573.  
  574. TRIP
  575. Uhh!  Yeah, go on, get away from me!
  576.  
  577. IAN
  578. JUST KICK ME OUT
  579.  
  580. TRIP
  581. I can't frigging take this!
  582.  
  583. TRIP
  584. Oh...  Shit!
  585.  
  586. IAN
  587. YOU KNOW I ONLY HAVE 1 HAND
  588.  
  589. TRIP
  590. uhh! -- (interrupted)
  591.  
  592. TRIP
  593. What are you saying?  What?
  594.  
  595. GRACE
  596. What, I can't hear you, are you talking to me?
  597.  
  598. TRIP
  599. I was not talking to you!
  600.  
  601. IAN
  602. KICK ME OUT
  603.  
  604. TRIP
  605. Ian,  this has never ever happened before...!
  606.  
  607. IAN
  608. SO THAT I CAN
  609.  
  610. GRACE
  611. Ian,  (annoyed sigh) Trip is just so...
  612.  
  613. IAN
  614. LEAVE
  615.  
  616. TRIP
  617. Oh, we're talking about me, are we?
  618.  
  619. GRACE
  620. What?
  621.  
  622. IAN
  623. Rustle my jimmies
  624.  
  625. GRACE
  626. Trip, it's your fault -- ten years ago, freshly married and just out of college,
  627.  
  628. GRACE
  629.  you convinced me to go into advertising, instead of art!
  630.  
  631. TRIP
  632. What?
  633.  
  634. GRACE
  635. If it weren't for you, I could be a real artist by now. -- (interrupted)
  636.  
  637. IAN
  638. YOU RUSTLED MY JIMMIES
  639.  
  640. TRIP
  641. That's bullshit.
  642.  
  643. GRACE
  644. Uhh...
  645.  
  646. GRACE
  647. Why can't... uhh...
  648.  
  649. IAN
  650. Cancer
  651.  
  652. GRACE
  653. Look, let's not focus on just me or you, let's talk about us.
  654.  
  655. GRACE
  656. What makes me the most angry, Trip, is what you took away from me.  
  657.  
  658. TRIP
  659. What?
  660.  
  661. GRACE
  662. I wasted ten years in this marriage, making advertisements, and redecorating our apartment! -- (interrupted)
  663.  
  664. IAN
  665. I don't give ten shits about this
  666.  
  667. TRIP
  668. Ian,  come on, I don't feel like fixing drinks at this moment!
  669.  
  670. IAN
  671. Did I mention drinks?
  672.  
  673. GRACE
  674. God,     Ian,  I'm getting really tired of talking about Trip's stuff, God...
  675.  
  676. IAN
  677. Are you deaf?
  678.  
  679. GRACE
  680.  (frustrated sigh)
  681.  
  682. IAN
  683. Trip
  684.  
  685. IAN
  686. Get a hearing aid
  687.  
  688. TRIP
  689. Let's talk some more about us both.
  690.  
  691. GRACE
  692. I get so upset when I think about it... God, I regret it so much...
  693.  
  694. IAN
  695. And a computer
  696.  
  697. TRIP
  698. What?
  699.  
  700. GRACE
  701. Why did I let you convince me to give up painting?
  702.  
  703. TRIP
  704. Oh, Christ...    Ian,  uhh...
  705.  
  706. IAN
  707. Why do I have you fags as a friend
  708.  
  709. TRIP
  710. Alright,    Ian,  that's it, you've got to leave.
  711.  
  712. TRIP
  713. Ian,  come on, you've got to go.
  714.  
  715. IAN
  716. THANKS
  717.  
  718. TRIP
  719. We can put up with a lot, but we have our limits, you know?
  720.  
  721. IAN
  722. THANK YOU
  723.  
  724. (Trip opens the front door.)
  725.  
  726. (Trip closes the front door.)
  727.  
  728. IAN
  729. YOU ARE NICE AS HECK
  730.  
  731. IAN
  732. BITCH
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