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  1.  
  2. y Christmas, everyone. Happy Hanukkah as well. I guess Kwanza in there, too... Unfortunately Mr. Weiner and Mr. Graff will be graduating this year, but we do have Mr. Marrow to carry on the tradition of being aggressively Jewish.
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  4. So first some thanks. First I’d like to thank my friends Mr. Whelan, Mr. Graff, and Mr. Di Misa... They’re all very nice people with great personalities, and I’m sure someone has good things to say about them.
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  6. And then my mentor Mr. Dineen, great speaker... great trash talker... lookin' forward to that...
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  8. Finally, I’d like to thank Mr. Willis with whom I am sincerely thrilled to be keynoting with tonight. He’s been a great roommate, best friend, and Yes-man… but no, seriously, I wouldn’t be here if it weren’t for him.
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  10. Besides that, my parents are in the room tonight. Exciting. Ladies and gentlemen, don’t hold back on your jokes- they have seen R-Rated films. It's not their first krunk party... they grew up in the Philippines, where disco never dies... I'm not holding back and...and I still have to beg them for money.
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  12. ..BUT…I…DIGRESS… WARRRR, ladies and gentlemen… how is the war on Christmas winnable? What does that mean? Are we going to tear down the Christmas trees, destroy the nativity scenes, remove snowflakes from starbucks cups...
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  14. Uh… maybe… I mean, good luck, folks. Obama’s been trying for years!(delivery important) And, besides that… I really like getting presents. I’m just sayin’, having a grudge against Christmas is like having a grudge MMA fighters.( fix wording there) You’re only hurtin’ yourself in the long run.
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  16. Here’s the trick, okay? The way to win the war on Christmas. Don’t buy into it! That’s it. Reap the benefits, become a free rider. The great military strategist Liddell Hart tells us, the shortest way through is the long way round.
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  18. And what is it Napoleon said? Never interrupt the enemy while he’s making a mistake? Christmas is two hashtags away from being a complete caricature anyway. #wrongcoloredcar. #ethicalcoalgifts. Always remember our good friend the Grinch. We’re not fighting a war against “things.” We’re fighting an ideology.
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  20. Think of your typical Christmas special: our protagonist wanders through the lonely season, resisting against but also trying to learn what the real meaning of Christmas is. And the cartoons would have you believe it’s about compassion. And family. And love. And hey. I’m not against any of these things. But I’ve always felt some dissonance after watching these shows. Maybe I’m like one of those characters. Christmas just feels… fake.
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  22. And that’s what we’re fighting against. Something in the jingle bells just rings false to me.
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  24. And I don’t mean that in a “mom, you bought me an iPhone when I wanted a car” kind of way. Yeah… that’s obviously missing the (finger quote) “spirit of Christmas.” What I mean is that, to me, all the holiday gestures seem empty. Think of the turkey pardon. (You know, I can’t go to the bathroom without running into a trolley problem, but thank god we saved that one Turkey. Thanks, Obama.)
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  27. But let me be clear. I’m not turning this debate into A Very Peter Singer Christmas. My god, what would that look like? Sorry Tiny Tim, God bless us everyone but… you’re just not worth enough utils!
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  29. No, what I mean to say, some of the stuff we do is just dumb. You might remember a couple of years ago during Christmas the big fuss about saving the pandas at the national zoo… Everyone on facebook celebrating the Christmas miracle… and I’m just thinkin’… man, who cares. And don’t give me any crap about throwing starfish, saving pandas is expensive.
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  32. Pandas are literally the only animal in the world that’s endangered because it’s just too lazy to… you know. And so we have go in and… you know. I mean, I’m just saying I wish I(emphasize) was that important. Compassion is allegedly why we give presents, but, if you’ve ever received fruit cake…
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  34. Which gets me to family. We’re… not declaring war on family. (scan audience) My parents are obviously in the audience. I have two brothers… I like Jordan. But let’s hold fast against half-hearted gestures of intimacy- especially if they end up being a replacement for the real thing.
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  36. Nah, I’m kidding. Tim’s okay. I’ll be honest, there’s not a lot of angst here. It’s just that the family rituals are really grating. Clausewitz tells us “War is diplomacy by other means” and I can think of no better descriptor for Holiday dinners. You know in WWI when the Central Powers and Allies came together for Christmas? That’s… the opposite of my family putting up a Christmas tree. I’m just not sure if Christmas has ever been a net positive on my family relations. It’s like an itchy, grandma-knitted sweater.
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  38. But finally, Christmas is, above all else, about love- which sort of encompasses everything else about Christmas. And I think it’s tough to declare anything about Christmas “fake love” or to declare war on it cause… Christmas is lonely. Seasonal melancholy brings people together. I think when people think about the “true spirit of Christmas” they think of the bittersweet feeling of wandering through the cold.
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  40. But I think it’s “bittersweet” the way eggnog is bittersweet. Which is to say it’s a bunch of sugar mixed with alcohol. I dunno, something seems a little off about it to me! Less love and more like… eh… the mistletoe’s like… ten feet away so… Which(raise voice invitingly), by the way, Philo Christmas party tonight. If past is any precedent, then I’m sure there will be all kinds of Platonic love tonight. …Good luck.
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  42. Don’t worry mom and dad. The only thing I’m drinking tonight is a healthy glass of orange juice.
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  44. To put it in gift wrap and put a nice bow tie on it… it’s a nice story we’ve been telling ourselves, but it’s about as real as the trees in our living room. I think our wayward protagonist had it right! There’s something off about the whole season, and maybe it runs even deeper. So what's our war on? False compassion, grating family rituals, empty love... Fundamentally, what we’re doing is declaring war on… the unbearable tackiness of being: a need for meaning that makes us fetishize what are, ultimately, rather trite sentiments.
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  46. We want something real… but we’re accepting something made of plastic with cheap neon lights. And it’s not just the tree. Cause the tree is a really profound and impressive metaphor.
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  48. So declare war. On empty compassion. On half hearted intimacy. On fake love.
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  50. Eat their ham.
  51.  
  52. But never give in.
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