Guide to Jousting with Centaurs, by Femanon (1/?)

"As long as our flag still flies, insurmountable will forever be a lie.”

>Such was the motto by which your family lived.
>Such were the words your great great great grandfather pronounced before his last joust.
>This mere sentence ended up costing your mother’s life.
>With her, followed your domain, your house, your freedom...
>Once promised to be Baron, you are now just a squire.
>However, you had promised, that never you would forget the oath of Anon The Founder.
>That His family would forever quest across the land, protecting the innocents and trampling those who would threaten Harmony!
>And now, served on a silver platter, was the chance of a lifetime:
>“Squire, your task will be to assert the veracity of the rumours of a green bipedal creature that manifested itself in the hamlet of Ponyville, in the Domain of Canterlot.”
“A green biped, Milord? Do you think it could be-?”
>“As I just said, Squire, you are travelling there to report on this tale... Do you accept?”
“Of course, Milord!”
>“Excellent, I want to see you gone before sunrise.”
“I’ll be on my way this instant! The Founder protects you Milord! I won’t disappoint you!”

>Ponyville was gleaming before you, a spectral mist brought forth by the morning granting it the shine of polished armours.
“Ancestors... Please, guide my hooves and my arms.”
>...
>Ponyville was a beautiful sight for the young Centaur, a gift sent by Heavens in comparison to the dark, damp and cold fortresses in which you spent so many years during your trainings.
>Everything seemed smaller to you, yet more open and more colourful.
>However, one thing stayed the same.
>In the eyes of the few ponies brave enough to brave the cold reigned the threatening gleam of wariness...
>You were scaring them...
>Why would it change? Celestia’s Law upon the possession of weapons, limiting their use to her Guards and trained master shouted the truth to all who would look at you:
>You are a monster, a being who was taught how to take lives, the most despicable act an Equestrian citizen could do...
>Your sigh dies inside your helmet...
>Then, as you open your eyes, a most curious sight greets you.
>A couple of mares, too busy arguing with each other, would without a doubt, crash against you when you’ll reach the bridge on which they walk...
>You take a deep breath and steel your nerves.
“Halt, Ponyvillians!”
>Good! Deep booming voice, lots of authority! They heard you!
>“Hey you! Ah don’t know where you think you are, but this here is Ponyville, and we here, we respect polite ponies more than the ones that can shout!”
>She looks... very angry...
“M-my apologies... I didn’t mean to sound rude I was just... F-forgive me!”
>>“Excuses accepted, right Applejack?”
>“Mph! ... Yeah. Ah can’t stay mad at those like you...”
“Those... Like me?”
>>“She means, ‘non-ponyvillian’ in a general sense. We tend to run into an unbelievable amount of problems we judge somepony simply on their appearances... but we ended up learning... After a few tries...”
“Err... Again, sorry for shouting. May I abuse of your kindness? It is of utmost importance that I can hold council face to face with the green skinned stranger from another world, would you be so kind as to indicate me towards his residence?”
>The 2 ponies look at each other with a little confusion and surprise...
>“Well, Ah didn’t know Anon was expectin’ a visitor... But sure thing, we were supposed to meet with him at Sugarcube corner, so... Follow us...”
>Such luck! Truly the Founders’ gaze is upon me!
>The walk through the main avenue of he city is... a little more pleasant than just moments ago, it seems the other citizens’ looks already changed, certainly, your escort is the origin of the change, they must trust their fellows.
>The white unicorn carries herself like a noble, head held proudly, however she stays close to her subjects as she often greets the ones that pass by her...
>Maybe she is the local ruler?
>But then, who is this earth pony with the Stetson?
>A cutie-mark of apples? A farmer? But what kind of noble would spend time with a peasant? And that is without talking about the argument they seemed to have earlier...
>Should you ask? The curiosity is nibbling at you...
>No, no... You already behaved yourself like a fool by trying to commend them... Better not take any risks:
>Follow your guides, meet with the foreigner, report... And then...
>Then what?
>...
*Gling gling*
>>”Welcome to Sugarcube corner, Ponyville’s best bakery and tearoom.”
“How... Pink... But it does smell delicious...”
>“Well, as far pink‘s concerned, you’re about to get the dose of your life when you’ll meet the baker”
“I am not sure to follow you...”
>Moments later, the Noblelady treats you to a most welcome cup of tea and a couple slices of cake.
“I am truly grateful for your help this morning... Milady.”
>>“Please, no need for flattery, however if you do wish to repay the favour, you could always show us your face and tell us your name.”
“H-Oh! Of course! Where are my manners!”
*click*
“Allow me to introduce myself, my name is Vaillante of Argentour. Squire under Baron * it is an honour to meet you.”
>“Wait... You’re a gal?!”
“Umm... Yes? You seem very surprised...”
>>“Well... Your helmet slightly distorts your voice... You sound a lot more... Err... virile, with it...”
“Oh... Umm...”
>An uncomfortable silence settles...
>>“Alright, mah name’s Applejack, mah family owns a farm on the outskirt of town, best apples in Canterlot’s Duchy.”
“A-A pleasure to make your acquaintance.”
>>“And I am Rarity, humble seamstress. You might have seen a few of my designs in the latest Fancy’s Chique.”
>“Rares, Vaillante is clearly not into frou-frou stuff. She’s more of a... steel... err... bliny-bling! Pony! Centeur Ah mean...”
>>“Most certainly not! She clearly a noblelady! This is simply her travel attire! And this is not bling-bling... Where in Equestria have you even heard such horrible term?”
>“Blin’-blin’? Ah think it was last time Babs came to say hi...”
>>“Applejack, darling, promise me to never utter that word in front of me aver again...”
>“Blin’-blin’?”
>>“Applejack... Please...”
>“Ah’m just askin’, y’know? Just to be sure... ... Bling-Bling.”
>>“Stop this this instant.”
>“What, Ah’m just checking if Ah got the right pronouciation... Bling... Bling...”
>>“My patience has limits Applejack...”
>“Ah really don’t see why you’re being so angry Rare’s... But Ah do know it’s all kinds of funny.”
“So... You’re not a noblelady?”
>>“Why... No. But thank you for the compliment...”
>“Oh! Ah just got it! Blingy-bling is like that sparkly cap Babs had! Your clothes with gems are bling-bling!”
>>“Applejack.”
>The tone of voice of the white unicorn had taken a dark, ominous colour, and the simple name uttered seemed just the same as a judgement announcing the death penalty...
>The earth-pony stayed silent...
>Muttering an almost inaudible and terrified “sorry” as she drank a microscopic sip of her tea.
>>>“Well well well, looks like I just arrived at the right time...”
>The creature that had just spoken took the fourth seat at the table, sitting right before you.
>He was here, the second coming of the legendary knight.
“Anon...”
>>>“Mmh? Well, looks like you’ve introduced me already. Nice to meetcha, miss?”
“Why do you have this long hair... This delicate form... These breasts?”
>>>“Umm... Wat?”
“YOU ARE A FEMALE?!?!”
>>>“AJ, Rares... What did I miss, or what have you done?”


Be Anon, a couple minutes earlier.

>You're almost late to meet AJ and Rares,
>With anyone... Anypony, else, it wouldn't be too much of a big deal, in fact when you're as good looking as you are, you have the right to make yourself fashionably late.
>However, it is Rarity and Applejack, which means that every minute spent leaving the two alone increases the chances of triggering a shouting countest exponentially.
>Thus, in the hallway of your little house on top of Well Hill, you make sure that your beloved suit is as perfect as usual and step outside.
>... Before coming back immediately, to grab a red scarf of wool, a hat and a pair of matching gloves to fend off the cold.
>Jogging along the way to Sugarcube corner to keep you warm, the silence reigning inside the bakery clues you in that you couldn't have been even a second later.
>Yet, you hesitate for just a moment, the tall armored creature that is turning its back to you doesn't seem familiar in the slightest.
>C'mon Anon, if you start making judgements before meeting people... beings? Whatever! you would never had the chance to live here!
"Well well well, looks like I just arrived at the right time...”
>The look of relief on AppleHat's face...
>You would've been the friggin' Savior of Ponykind she wouldn't have been half this happy to see you.
>"Anonymous..." Whispered the armoured creature, who, from closer inspection, was a centauress, with a very pretty face, and braided silver hair disappearing in the neck of her cuirass.
“Mmh? Well, looks like you’ve introduced me already. Nice to meetcha, miss?”
>As you offer the newcomer your best welcoming smile, her face shifts, following her pink eyes from your face, to your hips, before pausing for a flattering amount of time on your chest.
>However, at every steps of her checking the goods journey, the expression of awe… fell apart.
> “Why do you have this long hair... This delicate form... These breasts?”
>Is she… Flattering me ? If ‘yes’ why does she look positively shocked ?
“Umm... Wat?”
>“YOU ARE A FEMALE?!?!”
“AJ, Rares... What did I miss, or what have you done?”
>>”Ah haven’t done a thing Ah swear!”
>>>“Yes you did! You said my designs were Bling-bling!”
“Girls really? Now?”
>“What is this travesty?!”
“Hey! I was born female! I never pretended to be a dude!”
>“You can’t be Anonymous the Founder! He was a man! A most noble knight!”
“Wait what? I am Anon... But... A knight? Who told you that?”
>“My parents! My teachers! The Lords I serve! Our entire history!”
“Alright, I’m just gonna walk away and pretend I never met you.”
>It seems this was definitely not the strategy she wanted.
>”How dare you mock our ancestor! Such an insult will be cleansed in blood!”
“What?”
*CRASH*
>Your usual table just got split in two by the maniac’s spear.
>Total silence reigns in the shop.
>But for you, only the terrified beating of your heart could be heard.
>“I will wait for you outside, miscreant, come to me and face the consequences of your blasphemy, if you flee away from this challenge, I shall have no mercy and I’ll run you through, like any would trample down a coward running from the battlefield... Make peace with your gods.”
“H-hold on! I never even held a weapon! This is complete overreaction! I don’t know why you think I’m some sort of warrior, but I’m not gonna fight you!”
>The cold tip of her silver spear pricks your throat.
>”Then you will die here and now.”
>>”Anon!”
>>>“Ms Argentour! What are you doing?!”
>“Stay seated! Or this jester’s life is forfeit!”
>>“Ya varmint!”
>>>“How could you?”
“Girls, chill... Anonymous got this... Alright you giant trash can, if you want to see the color of my blood so bad, I’ll take you on.”
>>“Ya can’t be serious?!”
>>>”This is suicide! She is a centaur! A trained warrior!”
“I don’t have that many choices, do I?”
>...
>“I allow you to pick your weapon, insect. The spear or the sword?”
“... I suppose you get the one I don’t pick... Alright, gimme your sword, at least I know I can lift it, that spear is just gigantic.”
>You had read about that kind of weapon during an history lesson, a jousting spear, to be used on horseback to pierce, too massive to be swung, thus not made for war, but for a competition, deadly nonetheless...
>You got to give a few experimental swings with the oversized knife, while your opponent puts her helmet back on and checks the various straps holding the plates of metal together.
>“Are you prepared to die, human?”
“To be honest, no... So I’m gonna do my best to stay alive and rub it in your stupid face once it’s over...”
>“This is your last insult. En garde!”
“Already?!”
>In the blink of an eye, the armoured monster closed half the distance that was separating your precious flesh from the pointy charging death aimed at your heart.
>At the last second, you roll, as close as you can from her legs, swinging at her hooves in extremis.
>Your blade bounces against the protection harmlessly.
>Figures...
>Using her inertia, the soldier makes a large turn and is once again running towards you.
>Your brain calculating at the speed of light under the effects of the adrenalin tells you that the same trick won’t work twice.
>>>“Anon! Catch!”
*WHACK!”
>The makeshift shield of table parts loses half of its components after parrying the blow.
>From the corner of your eye, you see Rarity collapse on the ground, blue sparks sputtering from her horn.
>She reinforced it through telekinesis.
>She felt the shock in her very bones.
>”I shouldn’t have expected someone like you to fight fair, parody.”
“Hey! I’m not the one picking fight with the defenceless! And you’ve got a shield! I’ll make you eat dirt you freak!”
>Here she comes.
>Right there!
>With a very unladylike “Hrumph!” you throw the tool that just saved your life at her and pray that you still remember that one trick.
>Lunging toward her free and that she just rose to block your projectile, you latch onto it with dear life and, carried by her inertia, you swing your leg on her animal back, riding her.
>”C-Coward!”
“You’re the one aggressing smaller than you!”
>She bucks and jumps and shakes but your grip on her is fuelled with fear and anger.
>Quickly, her move become more sluggish, the weight of the armour is taking its toll.
>With another ugly grunt, you throw her helmet await and show her the blade of her former weapon.
“Stop struggling! This... Is my win.”
>“...”
>She slows down and eventually stops...
>You’re quite far from Sugarcube Corner now...
>The first group of ponies that witnessed the beginning of the duel are just arriving.
>”I failed...” she whispers as the silver lance falls to the ground.
“Ha! This will teach you to mess with-“
>Horror fills your heart as her hand start to push your back towards you, the sword coming dangerously close to her neck.
“What on earth are you doing?”
>“Do it! I failed! I stained the name of my family! After such a defeat only the gallows await for me!”
“You’re out of your mind!”
>She is too strong for you, there is already a little red on the blade...
“NO!”
*snikt*
>...
“AAaah! Rnggghhhh!”
>Your feet are back on the ground, the sword is stained with red and your right hand hurts like you’ve never experienced.
>”... You... Cut off your fingers?”
“Ahhhhh! This hurts! Of course you congenital retard! You were about to kill yourself! Holy shit this stings!”
>“You... Cut off your fingers... So I couldn’t... Slit my throat?”
“Was your fucking brain stuck in your helmet?! Jesus!”
>>”Anon! Oh celestia! What happened here?!”
“I fought against a fucking centaur and I won! Holy shit, look at all that blood! Twi’ am I gonna die?!”
>>“Nurse redheart! Over here! Alright Anon, look at me! Don’t move! ...”
*ZAP*
“Did you... just zap... me? ... Fucking... Purple...”
>Darkness consumes your vision.


>Two days pass...

Be Anon.

>You’re sitting on a stool in the town’s hall basement.
>Turns out there are historical cells in there!
>That, or Mayor Mare is into some kinky stuff...
>A few steps away from you is the hybrid that tried to murder you and ended up sending you to the hospital.
>Without her armor and weapons, she looks a lot less threatening and a lot more delicate.
>Maybe it’s just the tunic with the silver embroideries matching her magnificent hair and revealing the modest breasts that were hidden under the steel, or her pale skin making the soft pink of her irises shine softly and her lips redder and more brilliant...
>“Is something wrong?”
“Buh? Ha! Err no! I was- daydreaming! Sorry...”
>“You have no reasons to apologize... Not to your enemy... Not to a criminal...” every added sentence went diminuendo, ending in a sad whisper.
“... You’re not a criminal... Well, sorta yes... But not yet...”
>”I’m no better, I raised my blade against a defenceless innocent...”
“Yeah, that was a real dick move... But since the Guards didn’t have to intervene and I decided to not press the charges, you will be free to go in a matter of days.”
>“Why such kindness? My idiocy almost cost you your hand... or your life.”
“Nah, turns out magic can even put fingers back in place... But that’s gonna leave a scar... Redheart said something about not pulling on them too hard for the time being. I hope she was just joking...”
>Two sets of eyes linger on the bandages wrapped at the junction between palm and digits.
>“Even so-! I am as good as dead after such a fiasco...”
“Equestria to crazy knight lady! You’re not gonna be judged! I repeat-”
>“You do not hold all the information...”
“Well, how about you instruct me a little then? I have been curious for days now as to why someone would want to kill me on sight.”
>“It is a long story... That does not involve you... Much...”
“Aside from the part where you duel me to the death that is...”
>A pause, your bright stupid smile seems to soften her.
>“Very well...”

>“Around a thousand years before today, Equestria was experiencing its Dark Age. A unique planetary alignment caused the doors towards Tartarus to stay slightly ajar... This was all it took to unleash upon the lands an army of dark spirits and other creatures of nightmares...”
>“Princess Celestia had just banished her Sister, Canterlot was but a draft of the grandeur it is now, the Royal Guards were few, and the three tribes were only beginning to really trust each other...”
>“While most of the continent had a few soldiers, or benefitted early of our Princess’ protection to drive back the monsters, far in the North-West lived my ancestors, they were mere pony farmers, who lost themselves near the frontier to the Frozen Forest, they built hamlets in these harsh lands, they had but militia-ponies to protect themselves... easy prey for the demons...”
>“But, one day, a creature from another world intervened! He was clad in steel and knew the art of war! On the back of a colossal pony-like creature, he struck down the invaders from Tartarus and saved the hamlet!”
>“His name... was Anonymous.”
“What? You mean... There once was another human in Equestria? And he was a knight? And he had my name?!”
>“Yes... Under his armour, his skin, his eyes, his hair, were as green as yours... But, that’s where the similarities end. He told my ancestors that he came from a kingdom at war. And he proposed the ponies to follow him across the country, on a crusade to free them from the Hellish forces.”
>“He taught the farmers many secrets, on how to smelt metal, how to arm one for battle, how to wield these weapons and how to fight together against a common foe. Quickly, the ponies of the Frost Frontier became warriors under his banner, and the invaders from Tartarus were defeated thanks to him...”
>“When the ponies asked him to become king of the West, he refused, saying that the duty of a Knight was to forever roam the lands in search of wrongs to rights, of innocents to protect and of villains to smite! ... So, The Founder left the Frontier and rode South, spreading his knowledge and justice across the country!”
>”Then, a year later, a mare that had served under him gave birth to the first of my kin.”
“...”
>“Is... something wrong?”
“No... *snort* continue...”
>“Um... Very well... Ahem! However! Soon after that, another Centaur appeared in a nearby village, also visited by Anonymous’ justice and-why are you chuckling?”
“Not important... I’m thinking about that other Anon... spreading, knowledge... and mares legs... Or visiting them with his ‘justice’...”
>You add a pelvic thrust to make sure she got the joke.
>“If you could refrain from insulting our ancestor...”
“Oh c’mon! It’s clear he didn’t do this out of pure goodness of heart! The dude bedded the village he liberated! Payment in nature!”
>“You are walking a most dangerous path... Jester...”
“Girl... How old are you?”
>“I fail to see the link between our history and my age...”
“I mean... You don’t look like a kid... a filly, I mean. You have to know about the flowers and the bees and-“
>“Halt! I get it! Yes I know about... this subject...”
>Is she averting your gaze?
>Let’s push it.
“Sex.”
>“Y-yes... That one...”
“Say it.”
>“What? No!”
“Are you a virgin?”
>“What?! I do not wish to speak of such things!!”
“C’mon, we’re both girls, we can chat about these kinds of things... Tho’ I’m pretty sure I can teach you a couple additional things...”
>“Stop this this instant!  I am of noble-birth! Centaurs of my stature aren’t allowed to freely discuss about... this subject...”
“You’re in a jail! Stature equals jack-shit here!”
>“I shall not stoop to your level!”
“You are very funny to hang with...”
>“Wipe that grin off you face! ... S-stop! D-don’t wiggle your eyebrows at me!”
“Ask me politely, miss...”
>“I do not even know your name!”
“Neither do I in fact... Alright! Let me start over! My name’s Anon! Until a moment ago I thought I was the only human that ever visited Equestria! I’m still the 1st human female tho’. Nice to meet’cha, what’s your name?”
>“Vaillante d’Argentour. Centaur Squire under Lord Laespada...”
“... That’s it? No ‘it’s an honour?’ or the like?”
>”Well... It is what I wanted to add... But we did almost kill each other 2 days ago... and you’re not the second coming of Anonymous The Founder...”
“Well... I’m sorry to disappoint you, Vail’!”
>“Vail’?”
“Your full name’s too long.”
>“B-but! I am nobility! It is proper manner to call one by Family Name or title!”
“We kinda duelled each other once and I won, thus, you and I are now equals. Especially as long as you’re behind bars.”
>“... I... Sincerely apologize...”
“I told you. I had all the time I wanted to stop being mad at you. You’re forgiven.”
>“...”
>Man, that whole thing is just obliterating her happiness...
“... How about you continue your story? Two beautiful babies centaurs were born on the frontier. Then?”
>“Then... The 1st company ponies of Anonymous, the first, had a council. It appeared that... a certain amount of mares that had served under the Knight- Enough snickering! ... – were pregnant... 20 years later, there was 20 strong, young and healthy centaurs, each of them, heir to Anonymous’ knowledge, received a part of his belongings...”
>“The most important parts of this heritage were chapters of Anonymous’ Code of the Knight and his Notes on The Art of War.”
>”The 20 Children became the founders of their own orders of knights, they formed powerful bloodlines with ponies and the race of Centaurs spread all around the Western End of Equestria, fighting for just causes and questing for Celestia’s Glory.”
“Ooh! I get it! And you are one of those 20! Right?”
>“No. Not anymore...”
>The obvious pain in Vaillante’s voice made you flinch.
“S-sorry...”
>“You couldn’t have known. ”
“Wanna... Want to talk about it?”
>“My apologies, but I would rather keep this peculiar story to myself. Just know that... I once was a fully fledged noble...”
“I understand... I won’t insist.”
>“Thank you.” She takes a deep breath to exorcise her demons... “This leads us to a month ago, words of a creature similar to our beloved ancestor living in Ponyville reached the Round Stable’s ears, prompting milord Laespada to send me to this part of Equestria in order to meet with whom we believed, was the returning Knight.”
“And instead... You found me.”
>“Can you imagine the disappointment?”
“Thanks a fucking bunch, Vail’.”
>“Now I have to report to milord explaining that you are indeed a human, but definitely not the kind we hoped to see...”
“... That’s it?”
>“Yes... I was extremely impolite to the ones that welcomed me in their city by attacking you... I was... Just so confused... I had hoped that you were... Him, that you could have helped me restore my family’s broken honour... I shouldn’t have had such expectations... LangeStraße was right all along... I am still a child...”
“... Sorry... I’m just a gal that wants to live as long as she can in this quiet little town... Having fun with her friends and getting in trouble for them... I’m afraid I can’t help you much...”
>“To receive your pardon was already very kind of you... Do you have any more questions for me?”
“... Mmh, actually yeah, what’s your favourite food? Where did you buy that beautiful tunic? Do you have a second pair of breasts near your crotch and you still haven’t told me if you were a virgin or not.”
>“... I do not wish to speak of these things!”
“Even the food and the tunic? Cuz’ that’s very important as well.”
>“Th-the tunic is a gift of my sister from another Family, one of her aids made it for my birthday... As for food, I’m not picky...”
“The pony in charge of making your food this evening said it was gonna be Brussels sprouts.”
>“Please have mercy.”
“Not picky heh?”
>“How could you find the only exception so quickly?”
“Lots of luck... The same thing I used during our duel.”
>“You are a most lucky person, Anon the Second.”
“... I kinda like the sound of that...”
>”...”
“... Well, I’ll see you later, Vail’, let’s just hope Twi’s done with all the administrative work.”
>“See you soon... Anon.”