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  1. Once upon a time there was a lovely
  2. princess. But she had an enchantment
  3. upon her of a fearful sort which could
  4. only be broken by love's first kiss.
  5. She was locked away in a castle guarded
  6. by a terrible fire-breathing dragon.
  7. Many brave knights had attempted to
  8. free her from this dreadful prison,
  9. but non prevailed. She waited in the
  10. dragon's keep in the highest room of
  11. the tallest tower for her true love
  12. and true love's first kiss. (laughs)
  13. Like that's ever gonna happen. What
  14. a load of - (toilet flush)
  15.  
  16. Allstar - by Smashmouth begins to play. Shrek goes about his
  17. day. While in a nearby town, the villagers get together to go
  18. after the ogre.
  19.  
  20. NIGHT - NEAR SHREK'S HOME
  21.  
  22. MAN1
  23. Think it's in there?
  24.  
  25. MAN2
  26. All right. Let's get it!
  27.  
  28. MAN1
  29. Whoa. Hold on. Do you know what that
  30. thing can do to you?
  31.  
  32. MAN3
  33. Yeah, it'll grind your bones for it's
  34. bread.
  35.  
  36. Shrek sneaks up behind them and laughs.
  37.  
  38. SHREK
  39. Yes, well, actually, that would be a
  40. giant. Now, ogres, oh they're much worse.
  41. They'll make a suit from your freshly
  42. peeled skin.
  43.  
  44. MEN
  45. No!
  46.  
  47. SHREK
  48. They'll shave your liver. Squeeze the
  49. jelly from your eyes! Actually, it's
  50. quite good on toast.
  51.  
  52. MAN1
  53. Back! Back, beast! Back! I warn ya!
  54. (waves the torch at Shrek.)
  55.  
  56. Shrek calmly licks his fingers and extinguishes the torch. The
  57. men shrink back away from him. Shrek roars very loudly and long
  58. and his breath extinguishes all the remaining torches until the
  59. men are in the dark.
  60.  
  61. SHREK
  62. This is the part where you run away.
  63. (The men scramble to get away. He laughs.)
  64. And stay out! (looks down and picks
  65. up a piece of paper. Reads.) "Wanted.
  66. Fairy tale creatures."(He sighs and
  67. throws the paper over his shoulder.)
  68.  
  69.  
  70. THE NEXT DAY
  71.  
  72. There is a line of fairy tale creatures. The head of the guard
  73. sits at a table paying people for bringing the fairy tale creatures
  74. to him. There are cages all around. Some of the people in line
  75. are Peter Pan, who is carrying Tinkerbell in a cage, Gipetto
  76. who's carrying Pinocchio, and a farmer who is carrying the three
  77. little pigs.
  78.  
  79. GUARD
  80. All right. This one's full. Take it
  81. away! Move it along. Come on! Get up!
  82.  
  83.  
  84. HEAD GUARD
  85. Next!
  86.  
  87. GUARD
  88. (taking the witch's broom) Give me that!
  89. Your flying days are over. (breaks the
  90. broom in half)
  91.  
  92. HEAD GUARD
  93. That's 20 pieces of silver for the witch.
  94. Next!
  95.  
  96. GUARD
  97. Get up! Come on!
  98.  
  99. HEAD GUARD
  100. Twenty pieces.
  101.  
  102. LITTLE BEAR
  103. (crying) This cage is too small.
  104.  
  105. DONKEY
  106. Please, don't turn me in. I'll never
  107. be stubborn again. I can change. Please!
  108. Give me another chance!
  109.  
  110. OLD WOMAN
  111. Oh, shut up. (jerks his rope)
  112.  
  113. DONKEY
  114. Oh!
  115.  
  116. HEAD GUARD
  117. Next! What have you got?
  118.  
  119. GIPETTO
  120. This little wooden puppet.
  121.  
  122. PINOCCHIO
  123. I'm not a puppet. I'm a real boy. (his
  124. nose grows)
  125.  
  126. HEAD GUARD
  127. Five shillings for the possessed toy.
  128. Take it away.
  129.  
  130. PINOCCHIO
  131. Father, please! Don't let them do this!
  132. Help me!
  133.  
  134. Gipetto takes the money and walks off. The old woman steps up
  135. to the table.
  136.  
  137. HEAD GUARD
  138. Next! What have you got?
  139.  
  140. OLD WOMAN
  141. Well, I've got a talking donkey.
  142.  
  143. HEAD GUARD
  144. Right. Well, that's good for ten shillings,
  145. if you can prove it.
  146.  
  147. OLD WOMAN
  148. Oh, go ahead, little fella.
  149.  
  150. Donkey just looks up at her.
  151.  
  152. HEAD GUARD
  153. Well?
  154.  
  155. OLD WOMAN
  156. Oh, oh, he's just...he's just a little
  157. nervous. He's really quite a chatterbox.
  158. Talk, you boneheaded dolt...
  159.  
  160. HEAD GUARD
  161. That's it. I've heard enough. Guards!
  162.  
  163.  
  164. OLD WOMAN
  165. No, no, he talks! He does. (pretends
  166. to be Donkey) I can talk. I love to
  167. talk. I'm the talkingest damn thing
  168. you ever saw.
  169.  
  170. HEAD GUARD
  171. Get her out of my sight.
  172.  
  173. OLD WOMAN
  174. No, no! I swear! Oh! He can talk!
  175.  
  176. The guards grab the old woman and she struggles with them. One
  177. of her legs flies out and kicks Tinkerbell out of Peter Pan's
  178. hands, and her cage drops on Donkey's head. He gets sprinkled
  179. with fairy dust and he's able to fly.
  180.  
  181. DONKEY
  182. Hey! I can fly!
  183.  
  184. PETER PAN
  185. He can fly!
  186.  
  187. 3 LITTLE PIGS
  188. He can fly!
  189.  
  190. HEAD GUARD
  191. He can talk!
  192.  
  193. DONKEY
  194. Ha, ha! That's right, fool! Now I'm
  195. a flying, talking donkey. You might
  196. have seen a housefly, maybe even a superfly
  197. but I bet you ain't never seen a donkey
  198. fly. Ha, ha! (the pixie dust begins
  199. to wear off) Uh-oh. (he begins to sink
  200. to the ground.)
  201.  
  202. He hits the ground with a thud.
  203.  
  204. HEAD GUARD
  205. Seize him! (Donkey takes of running.)
  206. After him!
  207.  
  208. GUARDS
  209. He's getting away! Get him! This way!
  210. Turn!
  211.  
  212. Donkey keeps running and he eventually runs into Shrek. Literally.
  213. Shrek turns around to see who bumped into him. Donkey looks scared
  214. for a moment then he spots the guards coming up the path. He
  215. quickly hides behind Shrek.
  216.  
  217. HEAD GUARD
  218. You there. Ogre!
  219.  
  220. SHREK
  221. Aye?
  222.  
  223. HEAD GUARD
  224. By the order of Lord Farquaad I am authorized
  225. to place you both under arrest and transport
  226. you to a designated resettlement facility.
  227.  
  228.  
  229. SHREK
  230. Oh, really? You and what army?
  231.  
  232. He looks behind the guard and the guard turns to look as well
  233. and we see that the other men have run off. The guard tucks tail
  234. and runs off. Shrek laughs and goes back about his business and
  235. begins walking back to his cottage.
  236.  
  237. DONKEY
  238. Can I say something to you? Listen,
  239. you was really, really, really somethin'
  240. back here. Incredible!
  241.  
  242. SHREK
  243. Are you talkin' to...(he turns around
  244. and Donkey is gone) me? (he turns back
  245. around and Donkey is right in front
  246. of him.) Whoa!
  247.  
  248. DONKEY
  249. Yes. I was talkin' to you. Can I tell
  250. you that you that you was great back
  251. here? Those guards! They thought they
  252. was all of that. Then you showed up,
  253. and bam! They was trippin' over themselves
  254. like babes in the woods. That really
  255. made me feel good to see that.
  256.  
  257. SHREK
  258. Oh, that's great. Really.
  259.  
  260. DONKEY
  261. Man, it's good to be free.
  262.  
  263. SHREK
  264. Now, why don't you go celebrate your
  265. freedom with your own friends? Hmm?
  266.  
  267.  
  268. DONKEY
  269. But, uh, I don't have any friends. And
  270. I'm not goin' out there by myself. Hey,
  271. wait a minute! I got a great idea! I'll
  272. stick with you. You're mean, green,
  273. fightin' machine. Together we'll scare
  274. the spit out of anybody that crosses
  275. us.
  276.  
  277. Shrek turns and regards Donkey for a moment before roaring very
  278. loudly.
  279.  
  280. DONKEY
  281. Oh, wow! That was really scary. If you
  282. don't mind me sayin', if that don't
  283. work, your breath certainly will get
  284. the job done, 'cause you definitely
  285. need some Tic Tacs or something, 'cause
  286. you breath stinks! You almost burned
  287. the hair outta my nose, just like the
  288. time...(Shrek covers his mouth but Donkey
  289. continues to talk, so Shrek removes
  290. his hand.) ...then I ate some rotten
  291. berries. I had strong gases leaking
  292. out of my butt that day.
  293.  
  294. SHREK
  295. Why are you following me?
  296.  
  297. DONKEY
  298. I'll tell you why. (singing) 'Cause
  299. I'm all alone, There's no one here beside
  300. me, My problems have all gone, There's
  301. no one to deride me, But you gotta have
  302. faith...
  303.  
  304. SHREK
  305. Stop singing! It's no wonder you don't
  306. have any friends.
  307.  
  308. DONKEY
  309. Wow. Only a true friend would be that
  310. cruelly honest.
  311.  
  312. SHREK
  313. Listen, little donkey. Take a look at
  314. me. What am I?
  315.  
  316. DONKEY
  317. (looks all the way up at Shrek) Uh ...really
  318. tall?
  319.  
  320. SHREK
  321. No! I'm an ogre! You know. "Grab your
  322. torch and pitchforks." Doesn't that
  323. bother you?
  324.  
  325. DONKEY
  326. Nope.
  327.  
  328. SHREK
  329. Really?
  330.  
  331. DONKEY
  332. Really, really.
  333.  
  334. SHREK
  335. Oh.
  336.  
  337. DONKEY
  338. Man, I like you. What's you name?
  339.  
  340. SHREK
  341. Uh, Shrek.
  342.  
  343. DONKEY
  344. Shrek? Well, you know what I like about
  345. you, Shrek? You got that kind of I-don't-care-what-nobody-thinks-of-me
  346. thing. I like that. I respect that,
  347. Shrek. You all right. (They come over
  348. a hill and you can see Shrek's cottage.)
  349. Whoa! Look at that. Who'd want to live
  350. in place like that?
  351.  
  352. SHREK
  353. That would be my home.
  354.  
  355. DONKEY
  356. Oh! And it is lovely! Just beautiful.
  357. You know you are quite a decorator.
  358. It's amazing what you've done with such
  359. a modest budget. I like that boulder.
  360. That is a nice boulder. I guess you
  361. don't entertain much, do you?
  362.  
  363. SHREK
  364. I like my privacy.
  365.  
  366. DONKEY
  367. You know, I do too. That's another thing
  368. we have in common. Like I hate it when
  369. you got somebody in your face. You've
  370. trying to give them a hint, and they
  371. won't leave. There's that awkward silence.
  372. (awkward silence) Can I stay with you?
  373.  
  374.  
  375. SHREK
  376. Uh, what?
  377.  
  378. DONKEY
  379. Can I stay with you, please?
  380.  
  381. SHREK
  382. (sarcastically) Of course!
  383.  
  384. DONKEY
  385. Really?
  386.  
  387. SHREK
  388. No.
  389.  
  390. DONKEY
  391. Please! I don't wanna go back there!
  392. You don't know what it's like to be
  393. considered a freak. (pause while he
  394. looks at Shrek) Well, maybe you do.
  395. But that's why we gotta stick together.
  396. You gotta let me stay! Please! Please!
  397.  
  398.  
  399. SHREK
  400. Okay! Okay! But one night only.
  401.  
  402. DONKEY
  403. Ah! Thank you! (he runs inside the cottage)
  404.  
  405.  
  406. SHREK
  407. What are you...? (Donkey hops up onto
  408. a chair.) No! No!
  409.  
  410. DONKEY
  411. This is gonna be fun! We can stay up
  412. late, swappin' manly stories, and in
  413. the mornin' I'm makin' waffles.
  414.  
  415. SHREK
  416. Oh!
  417.  
  418. DONKEY
  419. Where do, uh, I sleep?
  420.  
  421. SHREK
  422. (irritated) Outside!
  423.  
  424. DONKEY
  425. Oh, well, I guess that's cool. I mean,
  426. I don't know you, and you don't know
  427. me, so I guess outside is best, you
  428. know. Here I go. Good night. (Shrek
  429. slams the door.) (sigh) I mean, I do
  430. like the outdoors. I'm a donkey. I was
  431. born outside. I'll just be sitting by
  432. myself outside, I guess, you know. By
  433. myself, outside. I'm all alone...there's
  434. no one here beside me...
  435.  
  436. SHREK'S COTTAGE - NIGHT
  437.  
  438. Shrek is getting ready for dinner. He sits himself down and lights
  439. a candle made out of earwax. He begins to eat when he hears a
  440. noise. He stands up with a huff.
  441.  
  442. SHREK
  443. (to Donkey) I thought I told you to
  444. stay outside.
  445.  
  446. DONKEY
  447. (from the window) I am outside.
  448.  
  449. There is another noise and Shrek turns to find the person that
  450. made the noise. He sees several shadows moving. He finally turns
  451. and spots 3 blind mice on his table.
  452.  
  453. BLIND MOUSE1
  454. Well, gents, it's a far cry from the
  455. farm, but what choice do we have?
  456.  
  457.  
  458. BLIND MOUSE2
  459. It's not home, but it'll do just fine.
  460.  
  461.  
  462. GORDO
  463. (bouncing on a slug) What a lovely bed.
  464.  
  465.  
  466. SHREK
  467. Got ya. (Grabs a mouse, but it escapes
  468. and lands on his shoulder.)
  469.  
  470. GORDO
  471. I found some cheese. (bites Shrek's
  472. ear)
  473.  
  474. SHREK
  475. Ow!
  476.  
  477. GORDO
  478. Blah! Awful stuff.
  479.  
  480. BLIND MOUSE1
  481. Is that you, Gordo?
  482.  
  483. GORDO
  484. How did you know?
  485.  
  486. SHREK
  487. Enough! (he grabs the 3 mice) What are
  488. you doing in my house? (He gets bumped
  489. from behind and he drops the mice.)
  490. Hey! (he turns and sees the Seven Dwarves
  491. with Snow White on the table.) Oh, no,
  492. no, no. Dead broad off the table.
  493.  
  494.  
  495. DWARF
  496. Where are we supposed to put her? The
  497. bed's taken.
  498.  
  499. SHREK
  500. Huh?
  501.  
  502. Shrek marches over to the bedroom and throws back the curtain.
  503. The Big Bad Wolf is sitting in the bed. The wolf just looks at
  504. him.
  505.  
  506. BIG BAD WOLF
  507. What?
  508.  
  509. TIME LAPSE
  510.  
  511. Shrek now has the Big Bad Wolf by the collar and is dragging
  512. him to the front door.
  513.  
  514. SHREK
  515. I live in a swamp. I put up signs. I'm
  516. a terrifying ogre! What do I have to
  517. do get a little privacy? (He opens the
  518. front door to throw the Wolf out and
  519. he sees that all the collected Fairy
  520. Tale Creatures are on his land.) Oh,
  521. no. No! No!
  522.  
  523. The 3 bears sit around the fire, the pied piper is playing his
  524. pipe and the rats are all running to him, some elves are directing
  525. flight traffic so that the fairies and witches can land...etc.
  526.  
  527.  
  528. SHREK
  529. What are you doing in my swamp? (this
  530. echoes and everyone falls silent.)
  531.  
  532.  
  533. Gasps are heard all around. The 3 good fairies hide inside a
  534. tent.
  535.  
  536. SHREK
  537. All right, get out of here. All of you,
  538. move it! Come on! Let's go! Hapaya!
  539. Hapaya! Hey! Quickly. Come on! (more
  540. dwarves run inside the house) No, no!
  541. No, no. Not there. Not there. (they
  542. shut the door on him) Oh! (turns to
  543. look at Donkey)
  544.  
  545. DONKEY
  546. Hey, don't look at me. I didn't invite
  547. them.
  548.  
  549. PINOCCHIO
  550. Oh, gosh, no one invited us.
  551.  
  552. SHREK
  553. What?
  554.  
  555. PINOCCHIO
  556. We were forced to come here.
  557.  
  558. SHREK
  559. (flabbergasted) By who?
  560.  
  561. LITTLE PIG
  562. Lord Farquaad. He huffed and he puffed
  563. and he...signed an eviction notice.
  564.  
  565.  
  566. SHREK
  567. (heavy sigh) All right. Who knows where
  568. this Farquaad guy is?
  569.  
  570. Everyone looks around at each other but no one answers.
  571.  
  572. DONKEY
  573. Oh, I do. I know where he is.
  574.  
  575. SHREK
  576. Does anyone else know where to find
  577. him? Anyone at all?
  578.  
  579. DONKEY
  580. Me! Me!
  581.  
  582. SHREK
  583. Anyone?
  584.  
  585. DONKEY
  586. Oh! Oh, pick me! Oh, I know! I know!
  587. Me, me!
  588.  
  589. SHREK
  590. (sigh) Okay, fine. Attention, all fairy
  591. tale things. Do not get comfortable.
  592. Your welcome is officially worn out.
  593. In fact, I'm gonna see this guy Farquaad
  594. right now and get you all off my land
  595. and back where you came from! (Pause.
  596. Then the crowd goes wild.) Oh! (to Donkey)
  597. You! You're comin' with me.
  598.  
  599. DONKEY
  600. All right, that's what I like to hear,
  601. man. Shrek and Donkey, two stalwart
  602. friends, off on a whirlwind big-city
  603. adventure. I love it!
  604.  
  605. DONKEY
  606. (singing) On the road again. Sing it
  607. with me, Shrek. I can't wait to get
  608. on the road again.
  609.  
  610. SHREK
  611. What did I say about singing?
  612.  
  613. DONKEY
  614. Can I whistle?
  615.  
  616. SHREK
  617. No.
  618.  
  619. DONKEY
  620. Can I hum it?
  621.  
  622. SHREK
  623. All right, hum it.
  624.  
  625. Donkey begins to hum 'On the Road Again'.
  626.  
  627. DULOC - KITCHEN
  628.  
  629. A masked man is torturing the Gingerbread Man. He's continually
  630. dunking him in a glass of milk. Lord Farquaad walks in.
  631.  
  632. FARQUAAD
  633. That's enough. He's ready to talk.
  634.  
  635.  
  636. The Gingerbread Man is pulled out of the milk and slammed down
  637. onto a cookie sheet. Farquaad laughs as he walks over to the
  638. table. However when he reaches the table we see that it goes
  639. up to his eyes. He clears his throat and the table is lowered.
  640.  
  641.  
  642. FARQUAAD
  643. (he picks up the Gingerbread Man's legs
  644. and plays with them) Run, run, run,
  645. as fast as you can. You can't catch
  646. me. I'm the gingerbread man.
  647.  
  648. GINGERBREAD MAN
  649. You are a monster.
  650.  
  651. FARQUAAD
  652. I'm not the monster here. You are. You
  653. and the rest of that fairy tale trash,
  654. poisoning my perfect world. Now, tell
  655. me! Where are the others?
  656.  
  657. GINGERBREAD MAN
  658. Eat me! (He spits milk into Farquaad's
  659. eye.)
  660.  
  661. FARQUAAD
  662. I've tried to be fair to you creatures.
  663. Now my patience has reached its end!
  664. Tell me or I'll...(he makes as if to
  665. pull off the Gingerbread Man's buttons)
  666.  
  667.  
  668. GINGERBREAD MAN
  669. No, no, not the buttons. Not my gumdrop
  670. buttons.
  671.  
  672. FARQUAAD
  673. All right then. Who's hiding them?
  674.  
  675.  
  676. GINGERBREAD MAN
  677. Okay, I'll tell you. Do you know the
  678. muffin man?
  679.  
  680. FARQUAAD
  681. The muffin man?
  682.  
  683. GINGERBREAD MAN
  684. The muffin man.
  685.  
  686. FARQUAAD
  687. Yes, I know the muffin man, who lives
  688. on Drury Lane?
  689.  
  690. GINGERBREAD MAN
  691. Well, she's married to the muffin man.
  692.  
  693.  
  694. FARQUAAD
  695. The muffin man?
  696.  
  697. GINGERBREAD MAN
  698. The muffin man!
  699.  
  700. FARQUAAD
  701. She's married to the muffin man.
  702.  
  703. The door opens and the Head Guard walks in.
  704.  
  705. HEAD GUARD
  706. My lord! We found it.
  707.  
  708. FARQUAAD
  709. Then what are you waiting for? Bring
  710. it in.
  711.  
  712. More guards enter carrying something that is covered by a sheet.
  713. They hang up whatever it is and remove the sheet. It is the Magic
  714. Mirror.
  715.  
  716. GINGERBREAD MAN
  717. (in awe) Ohhhh...
  718.  
  719. FARQUAAD
  720. Magic mirror...
  721.  
  722. GINGERBREAD MAN
  723. Don't tell him anything! (Farquaad picks
  724. him up and dumps him into a trash can
  725. with a lid.) No!
  726.  
  727. FARQUAAD
  728. Evening. Mirror, mirror on the wall.
  729. Is this not the most perfect kingdom
  730. of them all?
  731.  
  732. MIRROR
  733. Well, technically you're not a king.
  734.  
  735.  
  736. FARQUAAD
  737. Uh, Thelonius. (Thelonius holds up a
  738. hand mirror and smashes it with his
  739. fist.) You were saying?
  740.  
  741. MIRROR
  742. What I mean is you're not a king yet.
  743. But you can become one. All you have
  744. to do is marry a princess.
  745.  
  746. FARQUAAD
  747. Go on.
  748.  
  749. MIRROR
  750. (chuckles nervously) So, just sit back
  751. and relax, my lord, because it's time
  752. for you to meet today's eligible bachelorettes.
  753. And here they are! Bachelorette number
  754. one is a mentally abused shut-in from
  755. a kingdom far, far away. She likes sushi
  756. and hot tubbing anytime. Her hobbies
  757. include cooking and cleaning for her
  758. two evil sisters. Please welcome Cinderella.
  759. (shows picture of Cinderella) Bachelorette
  760. number two is a cape-wearing girl from
  761. the land of fancy. Although she lives
  762. with seven other men, she's not easy.
  763. Just kiss her dead, frozen lips and
  764. find out what a live wire she is. Come
  765. on. Give it up for Snow White! (shows
  766. picture of Snow White) And last, but
  767. certainly not last, bachelorette number
  768. three is a fiery redhead from a dragon-guarded
  769. castle surrounded by hot boiling lava!
  770. But don't let that cool you off. She's
  771. a loaded pistol who likes pina colads
  772. and getting caught in the rain. Yours
  773. for the rescuing, Princess Fiona! (Shows
  774. picture of Princess Fiona) So will it
  775. be bachelorette number one, bachelorette
  776. number two or bachelorette number three?
  777.  
  778.  
  779. GUARDS
  780. Two! Two! Three! Three! Two! Two! Three!
  781.  
  782.  
  783. FARQUAAD
  784. Three? One? Three?
  785.  
  786. THELONIUS
  787. Three! (holds up 2 fingers) Pick number
  788. three, my lord!
  789.  
  790. FARQUAAD
  791. Okay, okay, uh, number three!
  792.  
  793. MIRROR
  794. Lord Farquaad, you've chosen Princess
  795. Fiona.
  796.  
  797. FARQUAAD
  798. Princess Fiona. She's perfect. All I
  799. have to do is just find someone who
  800. can go...
  801.  
  802. MIRROR
  803. But I probably should mention the little
  804. thing that happens at night.
  805.  
  806. FARQUAAD
  807. I'll do it.
  808.  
  809. MIRROR
  810. Yes, but after sunset...
  811.  
  812. FARQUAAD
  813. Silence! I will make this Princess Fiona
  814. my queen, and DuLoc will finally have
  815. the perfect king! Captain, assemble
  816. your finest men. We're going to have
  817. a tournament. (smiles evilly)
  818.  
  819. DuLoc Parking Lot - Lancelot Section
  820.  
  821. Shrek and Donkey come out of the field that is right by the parking
  822. lot. The castle itself is about 40 stories high.
  823.  
  824. DONKEY
  825. But that's it. That's it right there.
  826. That's DuLoc. I told ya I'd find it.
  827.  
  828.  
  829. SHREK
  830. So, that must be Lord Farquaad's castle.
  831.  
  832.  
  833. DONKEY
  834. Uh-huh. That's the place.
  835.  
  836. SHREK
  837. Do you think maybe he's compensating
  838. for something? (He laughs, but then
  839. groans as Donkey doesn't get the joke.
  840. He continues walking through the parking
  841. lot.)
  842.  
  843. DONKEY
  844. Hey, wait. Wait up, Shrek.
  845.  
  846. MAN
  847. Hurry, darling. We're late. Hurry.
  848.  
  849.  
  850. SHREK
  851. Hey, you! (The attendant, who is wearing
  852. a giant head that looks like Lord Farquaad,
  853. screams and begins running through the
  854. rows of rope to get to the front gate
  855. to get away from Shrek.) Wait a second.
  856. Look, I'm not gonna eat you. I just
  857. - - I just - - (He sighs and then begins
  858. walking straight through the rows. The
  859. attendant runs into a wall and falls
  860. down. Shrek and Donkey look at him then
  861. continue on into DuLoc.)
  862.  
  863. DULOC
  864.  
  865. They look around but all is quiet.
  866.  
  867. SHREK
  868. It's quiet. Too quiet. Where is everybody?
  869.  
  870.  
  871. DONKEY
  872. Hey, look at this!
  873.  
  874. Donkey runs over and pulls a lever that is attached to a box
  875. marked 'Information'. The music winds up and then the box doors
  876. open up. There are little wooden people inside and they begin
  877. to sing.
  878.  
  879. WOODEN PEOPLE
  880. Welcome to DuLoc such a perfect town
  881.  
  882.  
  883. Here we have some rules
  884.  
  885. Let us lay them down
  886.  
  887. Don't make waves, stay in line
  888.  
  889. And we'll get along fine
  890.  
  891. DuLoc is perfect place
  892.  
  893. Please keep off of the grass
  894.  
  895. Shine your shoes, wipe your... face
  896.  
  897. DuLoc is, DuLoc is
  898.  
  899. DuLoc is perfect place.
  900.  
  901. Suddenly a camera takes Donkey and Shrek's picture.
  902.  
  903. DONKEY
  904. Wow! Let's do that again! (makes ready
  905. to run over and pull the lever again)
  906.  
  907.  
  908. SHREK
  909. (grabs Donkey's tail and holds him still)
  910. No. No. No, no, no! No.
  911.  
  912. They hear a trumpet fanfare and head over to the arena.
  913.  
  914. FARQUAAD
  915. Brave knights. You are the best and
  916. brightest in all the land. Today one
  917. of you shall prove himself...
  918.  
  919. As Shrek and Donkey walk down the tunnel to get into the arena
  920. Donkey is humming the DuLoc theme song.
  921.  
  922. SHREK
  923. All right. You're going the right way
  924. for a smacked bottom.
  925.  
  926. DONKEY
  927. Sorry about that.
  928.  
  929. FARQUAAD
  930. That champion shall have the honor -
  931. - no, no - - the privilege to go forth
  932. and rescue the lovely Princess Fiona
  933. from the fiery keep of the dragon. If
  934. for any reason the winner is unsuccessful,
  935. the first runner-up will take his place
  936. and so on and so forth. Some of you
  937. may die, but it's a sacrifice I am willing
  938. to make. (cheers) Let the tournament
  939. begin! (He notices Shrek) Oh! What is
  940. that? It's hideous!
  941.  
  942. SHREK
  943. (turns to look at Donkey and then back
  944. at Farquaad) Ah, that's not very nice.
  945. It's just a donkey.
  946.  
  947. FARQUAAD
  948. Indeed. Knights, new plan! The one who
  949. kills the ogre will be named champion!
  950. Have it him!
  951.  
  952. MEN
  953. Get him!
  954.  
  955. SHREK
  956. Oh, hey! Now come on! Hang on now. (bumps
  957. into a table where there are mugs of
  958. beer)
  959.  
  960. CROWD
  961. Go ahead! Get him!
  962.  
  963. SHREK
  964. (holds up a mug of beer) Can't we just
  965. settle this over a pint?
  966.  
  967. CROWD
  968. Kill the beast!
  969.  
  970. SHREK
  971. No? All right then. (drinks the beer)
  972. Come on!
  973.  
  974. He takes the mug and smashes the spigot off the large barrel
  975. of beer behind him. The beer comes rushing out drenching the
  976. other men and wetting the ground. It's like mud now. Shrek slides
  977. past the men and picks up a spear that one of the men dropped.
  978. As Shrek begins to fight Donkey hops up onto one of the larger
  979. beer barrels. It breaks free of it's ropes and begins to roll.
  980. Donkey manages to squish two men into the mud. There is so much
  981. fighting going on here I'm not going to go into detail. Suffice
  982. to say that Shrek kicks butt.
  983.  
  984. DONKEY
  985. Hey, Shrek, tag me! Tag me!
  986.  
  987. Shrek comes over and bangs a man's head up against Donkeys. Shrek
  988. gets up on the ropes and interacts with the crowd.
  989.  
  990. SHREK
  991. Yeah!
  992.  
  993. A man tries to sneak up behind Shrek, but Shrek turns in time
  994. and sees him.
  995.  
  996. WOMAN
  997. The chair! Give him the chair!
  998.  
  999. Shrek smashes a chair over the guys back. Finally all the men
  1000. are down. Donkey kicks one of them in the helmet, and the ding
  1001. sounds the end of the match. The audience goes wild.
  1002.  
  1003. SHREK
  1004. Oh, yeah! Ah! Ah! Thank you! Thank you
  1005. very much! I'm here till Thursday. Try
  1006. the veal! Ha, ha! (laughs)
  1007.  
  1008. The laughter stops as all of the guards turn their weapons on
  1009. Shrek.
  1010.  
  1011. HEAD GUARD
  1012. Shall I give the order, sir?
  1013.  
  1014. FARQUAAD
  1015. No, I have a better idea. People of
  1016. DuLoc, I give you our champion!
  1017.  
  1018. SHREK
  1019. What?
  1020.  
  1021. FARQUAAD
  1022. Congratulations, ogre. You're won the
  1023. honor of embarking on a great and noble
  1024. quest.
  1025.  
  1026. SHREK
  1027. Quest? I'm already in a quest, a quest
  1028. to get my swamp back.
  1029.  
  1030. FARQUAAD
  1031. Your swamp?
  1032.  
  1033. SHREK
  1034. Yeah, my swamp! Where you dumped those
  1035. fairy tale creatures!
  1036.  
  1037. FARQUAAD
  1038. Indeed. All right, ogre. I'll make you
  1039. a deal. Go on this quest for me, and
  1040. I'll give you your swamp back.
  1041.  
  1042. SHREK
  1043. Exactly the way it was?
  1044.  
  1045. FARQUAAD
  1046. Down to the last slime-covered toadstool.
  1047.  
  1048.  
  1049. SHREK
  1050. And the squatters?
  1051.  
  1052. FARQUAAD
  1053. As good as gone.
  1054.  
  1055. SHREK
  1056. What kind of quest?
  1057.  
  1058. Time Lapse - Donkey and Shrek are now walking through the field
  1059. heading away from DuLoc. Shrek is munching on an onion.
  1060.  
  1061. DONKEY
  1062. Let me get this straight. You're gonna
  1063. go fight a dragon and rescue a princess
  1064. just so Farquaad will give you back
  1065. a swamp which you only don't have because
  1066. he filled it full of freaks in the first
  1067. place. Is that about right?
  1068.  
  1069. SHREK
  1070. You know, maybe there's a good reason
  1071. donkeys shouldn't talk.
  1072.  
  1073. DONKEY
  1074. I don't get it. Why don't you just pull
  1075. some of that ogre stuff on him? Throttle
  1076. him, lay siege to his fortress, grinds
  1077. his bones to make your bread, the whole
  1078. ogre trip.
  1079.  
  1080. SHREK
  1081. Oh, I know what. Maybe I could have
  1082. decapitated an entire village and put
  1083. their heads on a pike, gotten a knife,
  1084. cut open their spleen and drink their
  1085. fluids. Does that sound good to you?
  1086.  
  1087.  
  1088. DONKEY
  1089. Uh, no, not really, no.
  1090.  
  1091. SHREK
  1092. For your information, there's a lot
  1093. more to ogres than people think.
  1094.  
  1095. DONKEY
  1096. Example?
  1097.  
  1098. SHREK
  1099. Example? Okay, um, ogres are like onions.
  1100. (he holds out his onion)
  1101.  
  1102. DONKEY
  1103. (sniffs the onion) They stink?
  1104.  
  1105. SHREK
  1106. Yes - - No!
  1107.  
  1108. DONKEY
  1109. They make you cry?
  1110.  
  1111. SHREK
  1112. No!
  1113.  
  1114. DONKEY
  1115. You leave them in the sun, they get
  1116. all brown, start sproutin' little white
  1117. hairs.
  1118.  
  1119. SHREK
  1120. No! Layers! Onions have layers. Ogres
  1121. have layers! Onions have layers. You
  1122. get it? We both have layers. (he heaves
  1123. a sigh and then walks off)
  1124.  
  1125. DONKEY
  1126. (trailing after Shrek) Oh, you both
  1127. have layers. Oh. {Sniffs} You know,
  1128. not everybody likes onions. Cake! Everybody
  1129. loves cakes! Cakes have layers.
  1130.  
  1131. SHREK
  1132. I don't care... what everyone likes.
  1133. Ogres are not like cakes.
  1134.  
  1135. DONKEY
  1136. You know what else everybody likes?
  1137. Parfaits. Have you ever met a person,
  1138. you say, "Let's get some parfait," they
  1139. say, "Hell no, I don't like no parfait"?
  1140. Parfaits are delicious.
  1141.  
  1142. SHREK
  1143. No! You dense, irritating, miniature
  1144. beast of burden! Ogres are like onions!
  1145. And of story. Bye-bye. See ya later.
  1146.  
  1147.  
  1148. DONKEY
  1149. Parfaits may be the most delicious thing
  1150. on the whole damn planet.
  1151.  
  1152. SHREK
  1153. You know, I think I preferred your humming.
  1154.  
  1155.  
  1156. DONKEY
  1157. Do you have a tissue or something? I'm
  1158. making a mess. Just the word parfait
  1159. make me start slobbering.
  1160.  
  1161. They head off. There is a montage of their journey. Walking through
  1162. a field at sunset. Sleeping beneath a bright moon. Shrek trying
  1163. to put the campfire out the next day and having a bit of a problem,
  1164. so Donkey pees on the fire to put it out.
  1165.  
  1166. DRAGON'S KEEP
  1167.  
  1168. Shrek and Donkey are walking up to the keep that's supposed to
  1169. house Princess Fiona. It appears to look like a giant volcano.
  1170.  
  1171.  
  1172. DONKEY
  1173. (sniffs) Ohh! Shrek! Did you do that?
  1174. You gotta warn somebody before you just
  1175. crack one off. My mouth was open and
  1176. everything.
  1177.  
  1178. SHREK
  1179. Believe me, Donkey, if it was me, you'd
  1180. be dead. (sniffs) It's brimstone. We
  1181. must be getting close.
  1182.  
  1183. DONKEY
  1184. Yeah, right, brimstone. Don't be talking
  1185. about it's the brimstone. I know what
  1186. I smell. It wasn't no brimstone. It
  1187. didn't come off no stone neither.
  1188.  
  1189.  
  1190. They climb up the side of the volcano/keep and look down. There
  1191. is a small piece of rock right in the center and that is where
  1192. the castle is. It is surrounded by boiling lava. It looks very
  1193. foreboding.
  1194.  
  1195. SHREK
  1196. Sure, it's big enough, but look at the
  1197. location. (laughs...then the laugh turns
  1198. into a groan)
  1199.  
  1200. DONKEY
  1201. Uh, Shrek? Uh, remember when you said
  1202. ogres have layers?
  1203.  
  1204. SHREK
  1205. Oh, aye.
  1206.  
  1207. DONKEY
  1208. Well, I have a bit of a confession to
  1209. make. Donkeys don't have layers. We
  1210. wear our fear right out there on our
  1211. sleeves.
  1212.  
  1213. SHREK
  1214. Wait a second. Donkeys don't have sleeves.
  1215.  
  1216.  
  1217. DONKEY
  1218. You know what I mean.
  1219.  
  1220. SHREK
  1221. You can't tell me you're afraid of heights.
  1222.  
  1223.  
  1224. DONKEY
  1225. No, I'm just a little uncomfortable
  1226. about being on a rickety bridge over
  1227. a boiling like of lava!
  1228.  
  1229. SHREK
  1230. Come on, Donkey. I'm right here beside
  1231. ya, okay? For emotional support., we'll
  1232. just tackle this thing together one
  1233. little baby step at a time.
  1234.  
  1235. DONKEY
  1236. Really?
  1237.  
  1238. SHREK
  1239. Really, really.
  1240.  
  1241. DONKEY
  1242. Okay, that makes me feel so much better.
  1243.  
  1244.  
  1245. SHREK
  1246. Just keep moving. And don't look down.
  1247.  
  1248.  
  1249. DONKEY
  1250. Okay, don't look down. Don't look down.
  1251. Don't look down. Keep on moving. Don't
  1252. look down. (he steps through a rotting
  1253. board and ends up looking straight down
  1254. into the lava) Shrek! I'm lookin' down!
  1255. Oh, God, I can't do this! Just let me
  1256. off, please!
  1257.  
  1258. SHREK
  1259. But you're already halfway.
  1260.  
  1261. DONKEY
  1262. But I know that half is safe!
  1263.  
  1264. SHREK
  1265. Okay, fine. I don't have time for this.
  1266. You go back.
  1267.  
  1268. DONKEY
  1269. Shrek, no! Wait!
  1270.  
  1271. SHREK
  1272. Just, Donkey - - Let's have a dance
  1273. then, shall me? (bounces and sways the
  1274. bridge)
  1275.  
  1276. DONKEY
  1277. Don't do that!
  1278.  
  1279. SHREK
  1280. Oh, I'm sorry. Do what? Oh, this? (bounces
  1281. the bridge again)
  1282.  
  1283. DONKEY
  1284. Yes, that!
  1285.  
  1286. SHREK
  1287. Yes? Yes, do it. Okay. (continues to
  1288. bounce and sway as he backs Donkey across
  1289. the bridge)
  1290.  
  1291. DONKEY
  1292. No, Shrek! No! Stop it!
  1293.  
  1294. SHREK
  1295. You said do it! I'm doin' it.
  1296.  
  1297. DONKEY
  1298. I'm gonna die. I'm gonna die. Shrek,
  1299. I'm gonna die. (steps onto solid ground)
  1300. Oh!
  1301.  
  1302. SHREK
  1303. That'll do, Donkey. That'll do. (walks
  1304. towards the castle)
  1305.  
  1306. DONKEY
  1307. Cool. So where is this fire-breathing
  1308. pain-in-the-neck anyway?
  1309.  
  1310. SHREK
  1311. Inside, waiting for us to rescue her.
  1312. (chuckles)
  1313.  
  1314. DONKEY
  1315. I was talkin' about the dragon, Shrek.
  1316.  
  1317.  
  1318. INSIDE THE CASTLE
  1319.  
  1320. DONKEY
  1321. You afraid?
  1322.  
  1323. SHREK
  1324. No.
  1325.  
  1326. DONKEY
  1327. But...
  1328.  
  1329. SHREK
  1330. Shh.
  1331.  
  1332. DONKEY
  1333. Oh, good. Me neither. (sees a skeleton
  1334. and gasps) 'Cause there's nothin' wrong
  1335. with bein' afraid. Fear's a sensible
  1336. response to an unfamiliar situation.
  1337. Unfamiliar dangerous situation, I might
  1338. add. With a dragon that breathes fire
  1339. and eats knights and breathes fire,
  1340. it sure doesn't mean you're a coward
  1341. if you're a little scared. I sure as
  1342. heck ain't no coward. I know that.
  1343.  
  1344.  
  1345. SHREK
  1346. Donkey, two things, okay? Shut ... up.
  1347. Now go over there and see if you can
  1348. find any stairs.
  1349.  
  1350. DONKEY
  1351. Stairs? I thought we was lookin' for
  1352. the princess.
  1353.  
  1354. SHREK
  1355. (putting on a helmet) The princess will
  1356. be up the stairs in the highest room
  1357. in the tallest tower.
  1358.  
  1359. DONKEY
  1360. What makes you think she'll be there?
  1361.  
  1362.  
  1363. SHREK
  1364. I read it in a book once. (walks off)
  1365.  
  1366.  
  1367. DONKEY
  1368. Cool. You handle the dragon. I'll handle
  1369. the stairs. I'll find those stairs.
  1370. I'll whip their butt too. Those stairs
  1371. won't know which way they're goin'.
  1372. (walks off)
  1373.  
  1374. EMPTY ROOM
  1375.  
  1376. Donkey is still talking to himself as he looks around the room.
  1377.  
  1378.  
  1379. DONKEY
  1380. I'm gonna take drastic steps. Kick it
  1381. to the curb. Don't mess with me. I'm
  1382. the stair master. I've mastered the
  1383. stairs. I wish I had a step right here.
  1384. I'd step all over it.
  1385.  
  1386. ELSEWHERE
  1387.  
  1388. Shrek spots a light in the tallest tower window.
  1389.  
  1390. SHREK
  1391. Well, at least we know where the princess
  1392. is, but where's the...
  1393.  
  1394. DONKEY
  1395. (os) Dragon!
  1396.  
  1397. Donkey gasps and takes off running as the dragon roars again.
  1398. Shrek manages to grab Donkey out of the way just as the dragon
  1399. breathes fire.
  1400.  
  1401. SHREK
  1402. Donkey, look out! (he manages to get
  1403. a hold of the dragons tail and holds
  1404. on) Got ya!
  1405.  
  1406. The dragon gets irritated at this and flicks it's tail and Shrek
  1407. goes flying through the air and crashes through the roof of the
  1408. tallest tower. Fiona wakes up with a jerk and looks at him lying
  1409. on the floor.
  1410.  
  1411. DONKEY
  1412. Oh! Aah! Aah!
  1413.  
  1414. Donkey get cornered as the Dragon knocks away all but a small
  1415. part of the bridge he's on.
  1416.  
  1417. DONKEY
  1418. No. Oh, no, No! (the dragon roars) Oh,
  1419. what large teeth you have. (the dragon
  1420. growls) I mean white, sparkling teeth.
  1421. I know you probably hear this all time
  1422. from your food, but you must bleach,
  1423. 'cause that is one dazzling smile you
  1424. got there. Do I detect a hint of minty
  1425. freshness? And you know what else? You're
  1426. - - You're a girl dragon! Oh, sure!
  1427. I mean, of course you're a girl dragon.
  1428. You're just reeking of feminine beauty.
  1429. (the dragon begins fluttering her eyes
  1430. at him) What's the matter with you?
  1431. You got something in your eye? Ohh.
  1432. Oh. Oh. Man, I'd really love to stay,
  1433. but you know, I'm, uh...(the dragon
  1434. blows a smoke ring in the shape of a
  1435. heart right at him, and he coughs) I'm
  1436. an asthmatic, and I don't know if it'd
  1437. work out if you're gonna blow smoke
  1438. rings. Shrek! (the dragon picks him
  1439. up with her teeth and carries him off)
  1440. No! Shrek! Shrek! Shrek!
  1441.  
  1442. FIONA'S ROOM
  1443.  
  1444. Shrek groans as he gets up off the floor. His back is to Fiona
  1445. so she straightens her dress and lays back down on the bed. She
  1446. then quickly reaches over and gets the bouquet of flowers off
  1447. the side table. She then lays back down and appears to be asleep.
  1448. Shrek turns and goes over to her. He looks down at Fiona for
  1449. a moment and she puckers her lips. Shrek takes her by the shoulders
  1450. and shakes her away.
  1451.  
  1452. FIONA
  1453. Oh! Oh!
  1454.  
  1455. SHREK
  1456. Wake up!
  1457.  
  1458. FIONA
  1459. What?
  1460.  
  1461. SHREK
  1462. Are you Princess Fiona?
  1463.  
  1464. FIONA
  1465. I am, awaiting a knight so bold as to
  1466. rescue me.
  1467.  
  1468. SHREK
  1469. Oh, that's nice. Now let's go!
  1470.  
  1471. FIONA
  1472. But wait, Sir Knight. This be-ith our
  1473. first meeting. Should it not be a wonderful,
  1474. romantic moment?
  1475.  
  1476. SHREK
  1477. Yeah, sorry, lady. There's no time.
  1478.  
  1479.  
  1480. FIONA
  1481. Hey, wait. What are you doing? You should
  1482. sweep me off my feet out yonder window
  1483. and down a rope onto your valiant steed.
  1484.  
  1485.  
  1486. SHREK
  1487. You've had a lot of time to plan this,
  1488. haven't you?
  1489.  
  1490. FIONA
  1491. (smiles) Mm-hmm.
  1492.  
  1493. Shrek breaks the lock on her door and pulls her out and down
  1494. the hallway.
  1495.  
  1496. FIONA
  1497. But we have to savor this moment! You
  1498. could recite an epic poem for me. A
  1499. ballad? A sonnet! A limerick? Or something!
  1500.  
  1501.  
  1502. SHREK
  1503. I don't think so.
  1504.  
  1505. FIONA
  1506. Can I at least know the name of my champion?
  1507.  
  1508.  
  1509. SHREK
  1510. Uh, Shrek.
  1511.  
  1512. FIONA
  1513. Sir Shrek. (clears throat and holds
  1514. out a handkerchief) I pray that you
  1515. take this favor as a token of my gratitude.
  1516.  
  1517.  
  1518. SHREK
  1519. Thanks!
  1520.  
  1521. Suddenly they hear the dragon roar.
  1522.  
  1523. FIONA
  1524. (surprised)You didn't slay the dragon?
  1525.  
  1526.  
  1527. SHREK
  1528. It's on my to-do list. Now come on!
  1529. (takes off running and drags Fiona behind
  1530. him.)
  1531.  
  1532. FIONA
  1533. But this isn't right! You were meant
  1534. to charge in, sword drawn, banner flying.
  1535. That's what all the other knights did.
  1536.  
  1537.  
  1538. SHREK
  1539. Yeah, right before they burst into flame.
  1540.  
  1541.  
  1542. FIONA
  1543. That's not the point. (Shrek suddenly
  1544. stops and she runs into him.) Oh! (Shrek
  1545. ignores her and heads for a wooden door
  1546. off to the side.) Wait. Where are you
  1547. going? The exit's over there.
  1548.  
  1549. SHREK
  1550. Well, I have to save my ass.
  1551.  
  1552. FIONA
  1553. What kind of knight are you?
  1554.  
  1555. SHREK
  1556. One of a kind. (opens the door into
  1557. the throne room)
  1558.  
  1559. DONKEY
  1560. (os) Slow down. Slow down, baby, please.
  1561. I believe it's healthy to get to know
  1562. someone over a long period of time.
  1563. Just call me old-fashioned. (laughs
  1564. worriedly) (we see him up close and
  1565. from a distance as Shrek sneaks into
  1566. the room) I don't want to rush into
  1567. a physical relationship. I'm not emotionally
  1568. ready for a commitment of, uh, this
  1569. - - Magnitude really is the word I'm
  1570. looking for. Magnitude- - Hey, that
  1571. is unwanted physical contact. Hey, what
  1572. are you doing? Okay, okay. Let's just
  1573. back up a little and take this one step
  1574. at a time. We really should get to know
  1575. each other first as friends or pen pals.
  1576. I'm on the road a lot, but I just love
  1577. receiving cards - - I'd really love
  1578. to stay, but - - Don't do that! That's
  1579. my tail! That's my personal tail. You're
  1580. gonna tear it off. I don't give permission
  1581. - - What are you gonna do with that?
  1582. Hey, now. No way. No! No! No, no! No.
  1583. No, no, no. No! Oh!
  1584.  
  1585. Shrek grabs a chain that's connected to the chandelier and swings
  1586. toward the dragon. He misses and he swings back again. He looks
  1587. up and spots that the chandelier is right above the dragons head.
  1588. He pulls on the chain and it releases and he falls down and bumps
  1589. Donkey out of the way right as the dragon is about to kiss him.
  1590. Instead the dragon kisses Shreks' butt. She opens her eyes and
  1591. roars. Shrek lets go of the chain and the chandelier falls onto
  1592. her head, but it's too big and it goes over her head and forms
  1593. a sort of collar for her. She roars again and Shrek and Donkey
  1594. take off running. Very 'Matrix' style. Shrek grabs Donkey and
  1595. then grabs Princess Fiona as he runs past her.
  1596.  
  1597. DONKEY
  1598. Hi, Princess!
  1599.  
  1600. FIONA
  1601. It talks!
  1602.  
  1603. SHREK
  1604. Yeah, it's getting him to shut up that's
  1605. the trick.
  1606.  
  1607. They all start screaming as the dragon gains on them. Shrek spots
  1608. a descending slide and jumps on. But unfortunately there is a
  1609. crack in the stone and it hits Shrek right in the groin. His
  1610. eyes cross and as he reaches the bottom of the slide he stumbles
  1611. off and walks lightly.
  1612.  
  1613. SHREK
  1614. Oh!
  1615.  
  1616. Shrek gets them close to the exit and sets down Donkey and Fiona.
  1617.  
  1618.  
  1619. SHREK
  1620. Okay, you two, heard for the exit! I'll
  1621. take care of the dragon.
  1622.  
  1623. Shrek grabs a sword and heads back toward the interior of the
  1624. castle. He throws the sword down in between several overlapping
  1625. chain links. The chain links are attached to the chandelier that
  1626. is still around the dragons neck.
  1627.  
  1628. SHREK
  1629. (echoing) Run!
  1630.  
  1631. They all take off running for the exit with the dragon in hot
  1632. pursuit. They make it to the bridge and head across. The dragons
  1633. breathes fire and the bridge begins to burn. They all hang on
  1634. for dear life as the ropes holding the bridge up collapse. They
  1635. are swung to the other side. As they hang upside down they look
  1636. in horror as the dragon makes to fly over the boiling lava to
  1637. get them. But suddenly the chandelier with the chain jerk the
  1638. dragon back and she's unable to get to them. Our gang climbs
  1639. quickly to safety as the dragon looks angry and then gives a
  1640. sad whimper as she watches Donkey walk away.
  1641.  
  1642. FIONA
  1643. (sliding down the 'volcano' hill) You
  1644. did it! You rescued me! You're amazing.
  1645. (behind her Donkey falls down the hill)
  1646. You're - - You're wonderful. You're...
  1647. (turns and sees Shrek fall down the
  1648. hill and bump into Donkey) a little
  1649. unorthodox I'll admit. But thy deed
  1650. is great, and thy heart is pure. I am
  1651. eternally in your debt. (Donkey clears
  1652. his throat.) And where would a brave
  1653. knight be without his noble steed?
  1654.  
  1655.  
  1656. DONKEY
  1657. I hope you heard that. She called me
  1658. a noble steed. She think I'm a steed.
  1659.  
  1660.  
  1661. FIONA
  1662. The battle is won. You may remove your
  1663. helmet, good Sir Knight.
  1664.  
  1665. SHREK
  1666. Uh, no.
  1667.  
  1668. FIONA
  1669. Why not?
  1670.  
  1671. SHREK
  1672. I have helmet hair.
  1673.  
  1674. FIONA
  1675. Please. I would'st look upon the face
  1676. of my rescuer.
  1677.  
  1678. SHREK
  1679. No, no, you wouldn't - - 'st.
  1680.  
  1681. FIONA
  1682. But how will you kiss me?
  1683.  
  1684. SHREK
  1685. What? (to Donkey) That wasn't in the
  1686. job description.
  1687.  
  1688. DONKEY
  1689. Maybe it's a perk.
  1690.  
  1691. FIONA
  1692. No, it's destiny. Oh, you must know
  1693. how it goes. A princess locked in a
  1694. tower and beset by a dragon is rescued
  1695. by a brave knight, and then they share
  1696. true love's first kiss.
  1697.  
  1698. DONKEY
  1699. Hmm? With Shrek? You think- - Wait.
  1700. Wait. You think that Shrek is you true
  1701. love?
  1702.  
  1703. FIONA
  1704. Well, yes.
  1705.  
  1706. Both Donkey and Shrek burst out laughing.
  1707.  
  1708. DONKEY
  1709. You think Shrek is your true love!
  1710.  
  1711.  
  1712. FIONA
  1713. What is so funny?
  1714.  
  1715. SHREK
  1716. Let's just say I'm not your type, okay?Fiona:
  1717. Of course, you are. You're my rescuer.
  1718. Now - - Now remove your helmet.
  1719.  
  1720. SHREK
  1721. Look. I really don't think this is a
  1722. good idea.
  1723.  
  1724. FIONA
  1725. Just take off the helmet.
  1726.  
  1727. SHREK
  1728. I'm not going to.
  1729.  
  1730. FIONA
  1731. Take it off.
  1732.  
  1733. SHREK
  1734. No!
  1735.  
  1736. FIONA
  1737. Now!
  1738.  
  1739. SHREK
  1740. Okay! Easy. As you command. Your Highness.
  1741. (takes off his helmet)
  1742.  
  1743. FIONA
  1744. You- - You're a- - an ogre.
  1745.  
  1746. SHREK
  1747. Oh, you were expecting Prince Charming.
  1748.  
  1749.  
  1750. FIONA
  1751. Well, yes, actually. Oh, no. This is
  1752. all wrong. You're not supposed to be
  1753. an ogre.
  1754.  
  1755. SHREK
  1756. Princess, I was sent to rescue you by
  1757. Lord Farquaad, okay? He is the one who
  1758. wants to marry you.
  1759.  
  1760. FIONA
  1761. Then why didn't he come rescue me?
  1762.  
  1763.  
  1764. SHREK
  1765. Good question. You should ask him that
  1766. when we get there.
  1767.  
  1768. FIONA
  1769. But I have to be rescued by my true
  1770. love, not by some ogre and his- - his
  1771. pet.
  1772.  
  1773. DONKEY
  1774. Well, so much for noble steed.
  1775.  
  1776. SHREK
  1777. You're not making my job any easier.
  1778.  
  1779.  
  1780. FIONA
  1781. I'm sorry, but your job is not my problem.
  1782. You can tell Lord Farquaad that if he
  1783. wants to rescue me properly, I'll be
  1784. waiting for him right here.
  1785.  
  1786. SHREK
  1787. Hey! I'm no one's messenger boy, all
  1788. right? (ominous) I'm a delivery boy.
  1789. (he swiftly picks her up and swings
  1790. her over his shoulder like she was a
  1791. sack of potatoes)
  1792.  
  1793. FIONA
  1794. You wouldn't dare. Put me down!
  1795.  
  1796. SHREK
  1797. Ya comin', Donkey?
  1798.  
  1799. DONKEY
  1800. I'm right behind ya.
  1801.  
  1802. FIONA
  1803. Put me down, or you will suffer the
  1804. consequences! This is not dignified!
  1805. Put me down!
  1806.  
  1807. WOODS
  1808.  
  1809. A little time has passed and Fiona has calmed down. She just
  1810. hangs there limply while Shrek carries her.
  1811.  
  1812. DONKEY
  1813. Okay, so here's another question. Say
  1814. there's a woman that digs you, right,
  1815. but you don't really like her that way.
  1816. How do you let her down real easy so
  1817. her feelings aren't hurt, but you don't
  1818. get burned to a crisp and eaten?
  1819.  
  1820. FIONA
  1821. You just tell her she's not your true
  1822. love. Everyone knows what happens when
  1823. you find your...(Shrek drops her on
  1824. the ground) Hey! The sooner we get to
  1825. DuLoc the better.
  1826.  
  1827. DONKEY
  1828. You're gonna love it there, Princess.
  1829. It's beautiful!
  1830.  
  1831. FIONA
  1832. And what of my groom-to-be? Lord Farquaad?
  1833. What's he like?
  1834.  
  1835. SHREK
  1836. Let me put it this way, Princess. Men
  1837. of Farquaad's stature are in short supply.
  1838. (he and Donkey laugh)
  1839.  
  1840. Shrek then proceeds to splash water onto his face to wash off
  1841. the dust and grime.
  1842.  
  1843. DONKEY
  1844. I don't know. There are those who think
  1845. little of him. (they laugh again) Fiona:
  1846. Stop it. Stop it, both of you. You're
  1847. just jealous you can never measure up
  1848. to a great ruler like Lord Farquaad.
  1849.  
  1850.  
  1851. SHREK
  1852. Yeah, well, maybe you're right, Princess.
  1853. But I'll let you do the "measuring"
  1854. when you see him tomorrow.
  1855.  
  1856. FIONA
  1857. (looks at the setting sun) Tomorrow?
  1858. It'll take that long? Shouldn't we stop
  1859. to make camp?
  1860.  
  1861. SHREK
  1862. No, that'll take longer. We can keep
  1863. going.
  1864.  
  1865. FIONA
  1866. But there's robbers in the woods.
  1867.  
  1868. DONKEY
  1869. Whoa! Time out, Shrek! Camp is starting
  1870. to sound good.
  1871.  
  1872. SHREK
  1873. Hey, come on. I'm scarier than anything
  1874. we're going to see in this forest.
  1875.  
  1876.  
  1877. FIONA
  1878. I need to find somewhere to camp now!
  1879.  
  1880.  
  1881. Both Donkey and Shrek's ears lower as they shrink away from her.
  1882.  
  1883.  
  1884. MOUNTAIN CLIFF
  1885.  
  1886. Shrek has found a cave that appears to be in good order. He shoves
  1887. a stone boulder out of the way to reveal the cave.
  1888.  
  1889. SHREK
  1890. Hey! Over here.
  1891.  
  1892. DONKEY
  1893. Shrek, we can do better than that. I
  1894. don't think this is fit for a princess.
  1895.  
  1896.  
  1897. FIONA
  1898. No, no, it's perfect. It just needs
  1899. a few homey touches.
  1900.  
  1901. SHREK
  1902. Homey touches? Like what? (he hears
  1903. a tearing noise and looks over at Fiona
  1904. who has torn the bark off of a tree.)
  1905.  
  1906.  
  1907. FIONA
  1908. A door? Well, gentlemen, I bid thee
  1909. good night. (goes into the cave and
  1910. puts the bark door up behind her)
  1911.  
  1912.  
  1913. DONKEY
  1914. You want me to read you a bedtime story?
  1915. I will.
  1916.  
  1917. FIONA
  1918. (os) I said good night!
  1919.  
  1920. Shrek looks at Donkey for a second and then goes to move the
  1921. boulder back in front of the entrance to the cave with Fiona
  1922. still inside.
  1923.  
  1924. DONKEY
  1925. Shrek, What are you doing?
  1926.  
  1927. SHREK
  1928. (laughs) I just- - You know - - Oh,
  1929. come on. I was just kidding.
  1930.  
  1931. LATER THAT NIGHT
  1932.  
  1933. Shrek and Donkey are sitting around a campfire. They are staring
  1934. up into the sky as Shrek points out certain star constellations
  1935. to Donkey.
  1936.  
  1937. SHREK
  1938. And, uh, that one, that's Throwback,
  1939. the only ogre to ever spit over three
  1940. wheat fields.
  1941.  
  1942. DONKEY
  1943. Right. Yeah. Hey, can you tell my future
  1944. from these stars?
  1945.  
  1946. SHREK
  1947. The stars don't tell the future, Donkey.
  1948. They tell stories. Look, there's Bloodnut,
  1949. the Flatulent. You can guess what he's
  1950. famous for.
  1951.  
  1952. DONKEY
  1953. I know you're making this up.
  1954.  
  1955. SHREK
  1956. No, look. There he is, and there's the
  1957. group of hunters running away from his
  1958. stench.
  1959.  
  1960. DONKEY
  1961. That ain't nothin' but a bunch of little
  1962. dots.
  1963.  
  1964. SHREK
  1965. You know, Donkey, sometimes things are
  1966. more than they appear. Hmm? Forget it.
  1967.  
  1968.  
  1969. DONKEY
  1970. (heaves a big sigh) Hey, Shrek, what
  1971. we gonna do when we get our swamp anyway?
  1972.  
  1973.  
  1974. SHREK
  1975. Our swamp?
  1976.  
  1977. DONKEY
  1978. You know, when we're through rescuing
  1979. the princess.
  1980.  
  1981. SHREK
  1982. We? Donkey, there's no "we". There's
  1983. no "our". There's just me and my swamp.
  1984. The first thing I'm gonna do is build
  1985. a ten-foot wall around my land.
  1986.  
  1987. DONKEY
  1988. You cut me deep, Shrek. You cut me real
  1989. deep just now. You know what I think?
  1990. I think this whole wall thing is just
  1991. a way to keep somebody out.
  1992.  
  1993. SHREK
  1994. No, do ya think?
  1995.  
  1996. DONKEY
  1997. Are you hidin' something?
  1998.  
  1999. SHREK
  2000. Never mind, Donkey.
  2001.  
  2002. DONKEY
  2003. Oh, this is another one of those onion
  2004. things, isn't it?
  2005.  
  2006. SHREK
  2007. No, this is one of those drop-it and
  2008. leave-it alone things.
  2009.  
  2010. DONKEY
  2011. Why don't you want to talk about it?
  2012.  
  2013.  
  2014. SHREK
  2015. Why do you want to talk about it?
  2016.  
  2017. DONKEY
  2018. Why are you blocking?
  2019.  
  2020. SHREK
  2021. I'm not blocking.
  2022.  
  2023. DONKEY
  2024. Oh, yes, you are.
  2025.  
  2026. SHREK
  2027. Donkey, I'm warning you.
  2028.  
  2029. DONKEY
  2030. Who you trying to keep out?
  2031.  
  2032. SHREK
  2033. Everyone! Okay?
  2034.  
  2035. DONKEY
  2036. (pause) Oh, now we're gettin' somewhere.
  2037. (grins)
  2038.  
  2039. At this point Fiona pulls the 'door' away from the entrance to
  2040. the cave and peaks out. Neither of the guys see her.
  2041.  
  2042. SHREK
  2043. Oh! For the love of Pete! (gets up and
  2044. walks over to the edge of the cliff
  2045. and sits down)
  2046.  
  2047. DONKEY
  2048. What's your problem? What you got against
  2049. the whole world anyway?
  2050.  
  2051. SHREK
  2052. Look, I'm not the one with the problem,
  2053. okay? It's the world that seems to have
  2054. a problem with me. People take one look
  2055. at me and go. "Aah! Help! Run! A big,
  2056. stupid, ugly ogre!" They judge me before
  2057. they even know me. That's why I'm better
  2058. off alone.
  2059.  
  2060. DONKEY
  2061. You know what? When we met, I didn't
  2062. think you was just a big, stupid, ugly
  2063. ogre.
  2064.  
  2065. SHREK
  2066. Yeah, I know.
  2067.  
  2068. DONKEY
  2069. So, uh, are there any donkeys up there?
  2070.  
  2071.  
  2072. SHREK
  2073. Well, there's, um, Gabby, the Small
  2074. and Annoying.
  2075.  
  2076. DONKEY
  2077. Okay, okay, I see it now. The big shiny
  2078. one, right there. That one there?
  2079.  
  2080.  
  2081. Fiona puts the door back.
  2082.  
  2083. SHREK
  2084. That's the moon.
  2085.  
  2086. DONKEY
  2087. Oh, okay.
  2088.  
  2089. DuLoc - Farquaad's Bedroom
  2090.  
  2091. The camera pans over a lot of wedding stuff. Soft music plays
  2092. in the background. Farquaad is in bed, watching as the Magic
  2093. Mirror shows him Princess Fiona.
  2094.  
  2095. FARQUAAD
  2096. Again, show me again. Mirror, mirror,
  2097. show her to me. Show me the princess.
  2098.  
  2099.  
  2100. MIRROR
  2101. Hmph.
  2102.  
  2103. The Mirror rewinds and begins to play again from the beginning.
  2104.  
  2105.  
  2106. FARQUAAD
  2107. Ah. Perfect.
  2108.  
  2109. Farquaad looks down at his bare chest and pulls the sheet up
  2110. to cover himself as though Fiona could see him as he gazes sheepishly
  2111. at her image in the mirror.
  2112.  
  2113. MORNING
  2114.  
  2115. Fiona walks out of the cave. She glances at Shrek and Donkey
  2116. who are still sleeping. She wanders off into the woods and comes
  2117. across a blue bird. She begins to sing. The bird sings along
  2118. with her. She hits higher and higher notes and the bird struggles
  2119. to keep up with her. Suddenly the pressure of the note is too
  2120. big and the bird explodes. Fiona looks a little sheepish, but
  2121. she eyes the eggs that the bird left behind. Time lapse, Fiona
  2122. is now cooking the eggs for breakfast. Shrek and Donkey are still
  2123. sleeping. Shrek wakes up and looks at Fiona. Donkey's talking
  2124. in his sleep.
  2125.  
  2126. DONKEY
  2127. (quietly) Mmm, yeah, you know I like
  2128. it like that. Come on, baby. I said
  2129. I like it.
  2130.  
  2131. SHREK
  2132. Donkey, wake up. (shakes him)
  2133.  
  2134. DONKEY
  2135. Huh? What?
  2136.  
  2137. SHREK
  2138. Wake up.
  2139.  
  2140. DONKEY
  2141. What? (stretches and yawns)
  2142.  
  2143. FIONA
  2144. Good morning. Hm, how do you like your
  2145. eggs?
  2146.  
  2147. DONKEY
  2148. Oh, good morning, Princess!
  2149.  
  2150. Fiona gets up and sets the eggs down in front of them.
  2151.  
  2152. SHREK
  2153. What's all this about?
  2154.  
  2155. FIONA
  2156. You know, we kind of got off to a bad
  2157. start yesterday. I wanted to make it
  2158. up to you. I mean, after all, you did
  2159. rescue me.
  2160.  
  2161. SHREK
  2162. Uh, thanks.
  2163.  
  2164. Donkey sniffs the eggs and licks his lips.
  2165.  
  2166. FIONA
  2167. Well, eat up. We've got a big day ahead
  2168. of us. (walks off)
  2169.  
  2170. LATER
  2171.  
  2172. They are once again on their way. They are walking through the
  2173. forest. Shrek belches.
  2174.  
  2175. DONKEY
  2176. Shrek!
  2177.  
  2178. SHREK
  2179. What? It's a compliment. Better out
  2180. than in, I always say. (laughs)
  2181.  
  2182. DONKEY
  2183. Well, it's no way to behave in front
  2184. of a princess.
  2185.  
  2186. Fiona belches
  2187.  
  2188. FIONA
  2189. Thanks.
  2190.  
  2191. DONKEY
  2192. She's as nasty as you are.
  2193.  
  2194. SHREK
  2195. (chuckles) You know, you're not exactly
  2196. what I expected.
  2197.  
  2198. FIONA
  2199. Well, maybe you shouldn't judge people
  2200. before you get to know them.
  2201.  
  2202. She smiles and then continues walking, singing softly. Suddenly
  2203. from out of nowhere, a man swings down and swoops Fiona up into
  2204. a tree.
  2205.  
  2206. ROBIN HOOD
  2207. La liberte! Hey!
  2208.  
  2209. SHREK
  2210. Princess!
  2211.  
  2212. FIONA
  2213. (to Robin Hood) What are you doing?
  2214.  
  2215.  
  2216. ROBIN HOOD
  2217. Be still, mon cherie, for I am you savior!
  2218. And I am rescuing you from this green...(kisses
  2219. up her arm while Fiona pulls back in
  2220. disgust)...beast.
  2221.  
  2222. SHREK
  2223. Hey! That's my princess! Go find you
  2224. own!
  2225.  
  2226. ROBIN HOOD
  2227. Please, monster! Can't you see I'm a
  2228. little busy here?
  2229.  
  2230. FIONA
  2231. (getting fed up) Look, pal, I don't
  2232. know who you think you are!
  2233.  
  2234. ROBIN HOOD
  2235. Oh! Of course! Oh, how rude. Please
  2236. let me introduce myself. Oh, Merry Men.
  2237. (laughs)
  2238.  
  2239. Suddenly an accordion begins to play and the Merry men pop out
  2240. from the bushes. They begin to sing Robin's theme song.
  2241.  
  2242. MERRY MEN
  2243. Ta, dah, dah, dah, whoo.
  2244.  
  2245. ROBIN HOOD
  2246. I steal from the rich and give to the
  2247. needy.
  2248.  
  2249. MERRY MEN
  2250. He takes a wee percentage,
  2251.  
  2252. ROBIN HOOD
  2253. But I'm not greedy. I rescue pretty
  2254. damsels, man, I'm good.
  2255.  
  2256. MERRY MEN
  2257. What a guy, Monsieur Hood.
  2258.  
  2259. ROBIN HOOD
  2260. Break it down. I like an honest fight
  2261. and a saucy little maid...
  2262.  
  2263. MERRY MEN
  2264. What he's basically saying is he likes
  2265. to get...
  2266.  
  2267. ROBIN HOOD
  2268. Paid. So...When an ogre in the bush
  2269. grabs a lady by the tush. That's bad.
  2270.  
  2271.  
  2272. MERRY MEN
  2273. That's bad.
  2274.  
  2275. ROBIN HOOD
  2276. When a beauty's with a beast it makes
  2277. me awfully mad.
  2278.  
  2279. MERRY MEN
  2280. He's mad, he's really, really mad.
  2281.  
  2282.  
  2283. ROBIN HOOD
  2284. I'll take my blade and ram it through
  2285. your heart, keep your eyes on me, boys
  2286. 'cause I'm about to start...
  2287.  
  2288. There is a grunt as Fiona swings down from the tree limb and
  2289. knocks Robin Hood unconscious.
  2290.  
  2291. FIONA
  2292. Man, that was annoying!
  2293.  
  2294. Shrek looks at her in admiration.
  2295.  
  2296. MERRY MAN
  2297. Oh, you little- - (shoots an arrow at
  2298. Fiona but she ducks out of the way)
  2299.  
  2300.  
  2301. The arrow flies toward Donkey who jumps into Shrek's arms to
  2302. get out of the way. The arrow proceeds to just bounce off a tree.
  2303.  
  2304.  
  2305. Another fight sequence begins and Fiona gives a karate yell and
  2306. then proceeds to beat the crap out of the Merry Men. There is
  2307. a very interesting 'Matrix' moment here when Fiona pauses in
  2308. mid-air to fix her hair. Finally all of the Merry Men are down,
  2309. and Fiona begins walking away.
  2310.  
  2311. FIONA
  2312. Uh, shall we?
  2313.  
  2314. SHREK
  2315. Hold the phone. (drops Donkey and begins
  2316. walking after Fiona) Oh! Whoa, whoa,
  2317. whoa. Hold on now. Where did that come
  2318. from?
  2319.  
  2320. FIONA
  2321. What?
  2322.  
  2323. SHREK
  2324. That! Back there. That was amazing!
  2325. Where did you learn that?
  2326.  
  2327. FIONA
  2328. Well...(laughs) when one lives alone,
  2329. uh, one has to learn these things in
  2330. case there's a...(gasps and points)
  2331. there's an arrow in your butt!
  2332.  
  2333. SHREK
  2334. What? (turns and looks) Oh, would you
  2335. look at that? (he goes to pull it out
  2336. but flinches because it's tender)
  2337.  
  2338.  
  2339. FIONA
  2340. Oh, no. This is all my fault. I'm so
  2341. sorry.
  2342.  
  2343. DONKEY
  2344. (walking up) Why? What's wrong?
  2345.  
  2346. FIONA
  2347. Shrek's hurt.
  2348.  
  2349. DONKEY
  2350. Shrek's hurt. Shrek's hurt? Oh, no,
  2351. Shrek's gonna die.
  2352.  
  2353. SHREK
  2354. Donkey, I'm okay.
  2355.  
  2356. DONKEY
  2357. You can't do this to me, Shrek. I'm
  2358. too young for you to die. Keep you legs
  2359. elevated. Turn your head and cough.
  2360. Does anyone know the Heimlich?
  2361.  
  2362. FIONA
  2363. Donkey! Calm down. If you want to help
  2364. Shrek, run into the woods and find me
  2365. a blue flower with red thorns.
  2366.  
  2367. DONKEY
  2368. Blue flower, red thorns. Okay, I'm on
  2369. it. Blue flower, red thorns. Don't die
  2370. Shrek. If you see a long tunnel, stay
  2371. away from the light!
  2372.  
  2373. SHREK & FIONA
  2374. Donkey!
  2375.  
  2376. DONKEY
  2377. Oh, yeah. Right. Blue flower, red thorns.
  2378. (runs off)
  2379.  
  2380. SHREK
  2381. What are the flowers for?
  2382.  
  2383. FIONA
  2384. (like it's obvious) For getting rid
  2385. of Donkey.
  2386.  
  2387. SHREK
  2388. Ah.
  2389.  
  2390. FIONA
  2391. Now you hold still, and I'll yank this
  2392. thing out. (gives the arrow a little
  2393. pull)
  2394.  
  2395. SHREK
  2396. (jumps away) Ow! Hey! Easy with the
  2397. yankin'.
  2398.  
  2399. As they continue to talk Fiona keeps going after the arrow and
  2400. Shrek keeps dodging her hands.
  2401.  
  2402. FIONA
  2403. I'm sorry, but it has to come out.
  2404.  
  2405.  
  2406. SHREK
  2407. No, it's tender.
  2408.  
  2409. FIONA
  2410. Now, hold on.
  2411.  
  2412. SHREK
  2413. What you're doing is the opposite of
  2414. help.
  2415.  
  2416. FIONA
  2417. Don't move.
  2418.  
  2419. SHREK
  2420. Look, time out.
  2421.  
  2422. FIONA
  2423. Would you...(grunts as Shrek puts his
  2424. hand over her face to stop her from
  2425. getting at the arrow) Okay. What do
  2426. you propose we do?
  2427.  
  2428. ELSEWHERE
  2429.  
  2430. Donkey is still looking for the special flower.
  2431.  
  2432. DONKEY
  2433. Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower,
  2434. red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns.
  2435. This would be so much easier if I wasn't
  2436. color-blind! Blue flower, red thorns.
  2437.  
  2438.  
  2439. SHREK
  2440. (os) Ow!
  2441.  
  2442. DONKEY
  2443. Hold on, Shrek! I'm comin'! (rips a
  2444. flower off a nearby bush that just happens
  2445. to be a blue flower with red thorns)
  2446.  
  2447.  
  2448. THE FOREST PATH
  2449.  
  2450. SHREK
  2451. Ow! Not good.
  2452.  
  2453. FIONA
  2454. Okay. Okay. I can nearly see the head.
  2455. (Shrek grunts as she pulls) It's just
  2456. about...
  2457.  
  2458. SHREK
  2459. Ow! Ohh! (he jerks and manages to fall
  2460. over with Fiona on top of him)
  2461.  
  2462. DONKEY
  2463. Ahem.
  2464.  
  2465. SHREK
  2466. (throwing Fiona off of him) Nothing
  2467. happend. We were just, uh - -
  2468.  
  2469. DONKEY
  2470. Look, if you wanted to be alone, all
  2471. you had to do was ask. Okay?
  2472.  
  2473. SHREK
  2474. Oh, come on! That's the last thing on
  2475. my mind. The princess here was just-
  2476. - (Fiona pulls the arrow out) Ugh! (he
  2477. turns to look at Fiona who holds up
  2478. the arrow with a smile) Ow!
  2479.  
  2480. DONKEY
  2481. Hey, what's that? (nervous chuckle)
  2482. That's...is that blood?
  2483.  
  2484. Donkey faints. Shrek walks over and picks him up as they continue
  2485. on their way.
  2486.  
  2487. There is a montage of scenes as the group heads back to DuLoc.
  2488. Shrek crawling up to the top of a tree to make it fall over a
  2489. small brook so that Fiona won't get wet. Shrek then gets up as
  2490. Donkey is just about to cross the tree and the tree swings back
  2491. into it's upright position and Donkey flies off. Shrek swatting
  2492. and a bunch of flies and mosquitoes. Fiona grabs a nearby spiderweb
  2493. that's on a tree branch and runs through the field swinging it
  2494. around to catch the bugs. She then hands it to Shrek who begins
  2495. eating like it's a treat. As he walks off she licks her fingers.
  2496. Shrek catching a toad and blowing it up like a balloon and presenting
  2497. it to Fiona. Fiona catching a snake, blowing it up, fashioning
  2498. it into a balloon animal and presenting it to Shrek. The group
  2499. arriving at a windmill that is near DuLoc.
  2500.  
  2501. WINDMILL
  2502.  
  2503. SHREK
  2504. There it is, Princess. Your future awaits
  2505. you.
  2506.  
  2507. FIONA
  2508. That's DuLoc?
  2509.  
  2510. DONKEY
  2511. Yeah, I know. You know, Shrek thinks
  2512. Lord Farquaad's compensating for something,
  2513. which I think means he has a really...(Shrek
  2514. steps on his hoof) Ow!
  2515.  
  2516. SHREK
  2517. Um, I, uh- - I guess we better move
  2518. on.
  2519.  
  2520. FIONA
  2521. Sure. But, Shrek? I'm - - I'm worried
  2522. about Donkey.
  2523.  
  2524. SHREK
  2525. What?
  2526.  
  2527. FIONA
  2528. I mean, look at him. He doesn't look
  2529. so good.
  2530.  
  2531. DONKEY
  2532. What are you talking about? I'm fine.
  2533.  
  2534.  
  2535. FIONA
  2536. (kneels to look him in the eyes) That's
  2537. what they always say, and then next
  2538. thing you know, you're on your back.
  2539. (pause) Dead.
  2540.  
  2541. SHREK
  2542. You know, she's right. You look awful.
  2543. Do you want to sit down?
  2544.  
  2545. FIONA
  2546. Uh, you know, I'll make you some tea.
  2547.  
  2548.  
  2549. DONKEY
  2550. I didn't want to say nothin', but I
  2551. got this twinge in my neck, and when
  2552. I turn my head like this, look, (turns
  2553. his neck in a very sharp way until his
  2554. head is completely sideways) Ow! See?
  2555.  
  2556.  
  2557. SHREK
  2558. Who's hungry? I'll find us some dinner.
  2559.  
  2560.  
  2561. FIONA
  2562. I'll get the firewood.
  2563.  
  2564. DONKEY
  2565. Hey, where you goin'? Oh, man, I can't
  2566. feel my toes! (looks down and yelps)
  2567. I don't have any toes! I think I need
  2568. a hug.
  2569.  
  2570. SUNSET
  2571.  
  2572. Shrek has built a fire and is cooking the rest of dinner while
  2573. Fiona eats.
  2574.  
  2575. FIONA
  2576. Mmm. This is good. This is really good.
  2577. What is this?
  2578.  
  2579. SHREK
  2580. Uh, weed rat. Rotisserie style.
  2581.  
  2582. FIONA
  2583. No kidding. Well, this is delicious.
  2584.  
  2585.  
  2586. SHREK
  2587. Well, they're also great in stews. Now,
  2588. I don't mean to brag, but I make a mean
  2589. weed rat stew. (chuckles)
  2590.  
  2591. Fiona looks at DuLoc and sighs.
  2592.  
  2593. FIONA
  2594. I guess I'll be dining a little differently
  2595. tomorrow night.
  2596.  
  2597. SHREK
  2598. Maybe you can come visit me in the swamp
  2599. sometime. I'll cook all kind of stuff
  2600. for you. Swamp toad soup, fish eye tartare
  2601. - - you name it.
  2602.  
  2603. FIONA
  2604. (smiles) I'd like that.
  2605.  
  2606. They smiles at each other.
  2607.  
  2608. SHREK
  2609. Um, Princess?
  2610.  
  2611. FIONA
  2612. Yes, Shrek?
  2613.  
  2614. SHREK
  2615. I, um, I was wondering...are you...(sighs)
  2616. Are you gonna eat that?
  2617.  
  2618. DONKEY
  2619. (chuckles) Man, isn't this romantic?
  2620. Just look at that sunset.
  2621.  
  2622. FIONA
  2623. (jumps up) Sunset? Oh, no! I mean, it's
  2624. late. I-It's very late.
  2625.  
  2626. SHREK
  2627. What?
  2628.  
  2629. DONKEY
  2630. Wait a minute. I see what's goin' on
  2631. here. You're afraid of the dark, aren't
  2632. you?
  2633.  
  2634. FIONA
  2635. Yes! Yes, that's it. I'm terrified.
  2636. You know, I'd better go inside.
  2637.  
  2638. DONKEY
  2639. Don't feel bad, Princess. I used to
  2640. be afraid of the dark, too, until -
  2641. - Hey, no, wait. I'm still afraid of
  2642. the dark.
  2643.  
  2644. Shrek sighs
  2645.  
  2646. FIONA
  2647. Good night.
  2648.  
  2649. SHREK
  2650. Good night.
  2651.  
  2652. Fiona goes inside the windmill and closes the door. Donkey looks
  2653. at Shrek with a new eye.
  2654.  
  2655. DONKEY
  2656. Ohh! Now I really see what's goin' on
  2657. here.
  2658.  
  2659. SHREK
  2660. Oh, what are you talkin' about?
  2661.  
  2662. DONKEY
  2663. I don't even wanna hear it. Look, I'm
  2664. an animal, and I got instincts. And
  2665. I know you two were diggin' on each
  2666. other. I could feel it.
  2667.  
  2668. SHREK
  2669. You're crazy. I'm just bringing her
  2670. back to Farquaad.
  2671.  
  2672. DONKEY
  2673. Oh, come on, Shrek. Wake up and smell
  2674. the pheromones. Just go on in and tell
  2675. her how you feel.
  2676.  
  2677. SHREK
  2678. I- - There's nothing to tell. Besides,
  2679. even if I did tell her that, well, you
  2680. know - - and I'm not sayin' I do 'cause
  2681. I don't - - she's a princess, and I'm
  2682. - -
  2683.  
  2684. DONKEY
  2685. An ogre?
  2686.  
  2687. SHREK
  2688. Yeah. An ogre.
  2689.  
  2690. DONKEY
  2691. Hey, where you goin'?
  2692.  
  2693. SHREK
  2694. To get... move firewood. (sighs)
  2695.  
  2696. Donkey looks over at the large pile of firewood there already
  2697. is.
  2698.  
  2699. TIME LAPSE
  2700.  
  2701. Donkey opens the door to the Windmill and walks in. Fiona is
  2702. nowhere to be seen.
  2703.  
  2704. DONKEY
  2705. Princess? Princess Fiona? Princess,
  2706. where are you? Princess?
  2707.  
  2708. Fiona looks at Donkey from the shadows, but we can't see her.
  2709.  
  2710.  
  2711. DONKEY
  2712. It's very spooky in here. I ain't playing
  2713. no games.
  2714.  
  2715. Suddenly Fiona falls from the railing. She gets up only she doesn't
  2716. look like herself. She looks like an ogre and Donkey starts freaking
  2717. out.
  2718.  
  2719. DONKEY
  2720. Aah!
  2721.  
  2722. FIONA
  2723. Oh, no!
  2724.  
  2725. DONKEY
  2726. No, help!
  2727.  
  2728. FIONA
  2729. Shh!
  2730.  
  2731. DONKEY
  2732. Shrek! Shrek! Shrek!
  2733.  
  2734. FIONA
  2735. No, it's okay. It's okay.
  2736.  
  2737. DONKEY
  2738. What did you do with the princess?
  2739.  
  2740.  
  2741. FIONA
  2742. Donkey, I'm the princess.
  2743.  
  2744. DONKEY
  2745. Aah!
  2746.  
  2747. FIONA
  2748. It's me, in this body.
  2749.  
  2750. DONKEY
  2751. Oh, my God! You ate the princess. (to
  2752. her stomach) Can you hear me?
  2753.  
  2754. FIONA
  2755. Donkey!
  2756.  
  2757. DONKEY
  2758. (still aimed at her stomach) Listen,
  2759. keep breathing! I'll get you out of
  2760. there!
  2761.  
  2762. FIONA
  2763. No!
  2764.  
  2765. DONKEY
  2766. Shrek! Shrek! Shrek!
  2767.  
  2768. FIONA
  2769. Shh.
  2770.  
  2771. DONKEY
  2772. Shrek!
  2773.  
  2774. FIONA
  2775. This is me.
  2776.  
  2777. Donkey looks into her eyes as she pets his muzzle, and he quiets
  2778. down.
  2779.  
  2780. DONKEY
  2781. Princess? What happened to you? You're,
  2782. uh, uh, uh, different.
  2783.  
  2784. FIONA
  2785. I'm ugly, okay?
  2786.  
  2787. DONKEY
  2788. Well, yeah! Was it something you ate?
  2789. 'Cause I told Shrek those rats was a
  2790. bad idea. You are what you eat, I said.
  2791. Now - -
  2792.  
  2793. FIONA
  2794. No. I - - I've been this way as long
  2795. as I can remember.
  2796.  
  2797. DONKEY
  2798. What do you mean? Look, I ain't never
  2799. seen you like this before.
  2800.  
  2801. FIONA
  2802. It only happens when sun goes down.
  2803. "By night one way, by day another. This
  2804. shall be the norm... until you find
  2805. true love's first kiss... and then take
  2806. love's true form."
  2807.  
  2808. DONKEY
  2809. Ah, that's beautiful. I didn't know
  2810. you wrote poetry.
  2811.  
  2812. FIONA
  2813. It's a spell. (sigh) When I was a little
  2814. girl, a witch cast a spell on me. Every
  2815. night I become this. This horrible,
  2816. ugly beast! I was placed in a tower
  2817. to await the day my true love would
  2818. rescue me. That's why I have to marry
  2819. Lord Farquaad tomorrow before the sun
  2820. sets and he sees me like this. (begins
  2821. to cry)
  2822.  
  2823. DONKEY
  2824. All right, all right. Calm down. Look,
  2825. it's not that bad. You're not that ugly.
  2826. Well, I ain't gonna lie. You are ugly.
  2827. But you only look like this at night.
  2828. Shrek's ugly 24-7.
  2829.  
  2830. FIONA
  2831. But Donkey, I'm a princess, and this
  2832. is not how a princess is meant to look.
  2833.  
  2834.  
  2835. DONKEY
  2836. Princess, how 'bout if you don't marry
  2837. Farquaad?
  2838.  
  2839. FIONA
  2840. I have to. Only my true love's kiss
  2841. can break the spell.
  2842.  
  2843. DONKEY
  2844. But, you know, um, you're kind of an
  2845. orge, and Shrek - - well, you got a
  2846. lot in common.
  2847.  
  2848. FIONA
  2849. Shrek?
  2850.  
  2851. OUTSIDE
  2852.  
  2853. Shrek is walking towards the windmill with a sunflower in his
  2854. hand.
  2855.  
  2856. SHREK
  2857. (to himself) Princess, I - - Uh, how's
  2858. it going, first of all? Good? Um, good
  2859. for me too. I'm okay. I saw this flower
  2860. and thought of you because it's pretty
  2861. and - - well, I don't really like it,
  2862. but I thought you might like it 'cause
  2863. you're pretty. But I like you anyway.
  2864. I'd - - uh, uh...(sighs) I'm in trouble.
  2865. Okay, here we go.
  2866.  
  2867. He walks up to the door and pauses outside when he hears Donkey
  2868. and Fiona talking.
  2869.  
  2870. FIONA
  2871. (os) I can't just marry whoever I want.
  2872. Take a good look at me, Donkey. I mean,
  2873. really, who can ever love a beast so
  2874. hideous and ugly? "Princess" and "ugly"
  2875. don't go together. That's why I can't
  2876. stay here with Shrek.
  2877.  
  2878. Shrek steps back in shock.
  2879.  
  2880. FIONA
  2881. (os) My only chance to live happily
  2882. ever after is to marry my true love.
  2883.  
  2884.  
  2885. Shrek heaves a deep sigh. He throws the flower down and walks
  2886. away.
  2887.  
  2888. INSIDE
  2889.  
  2890. FIONA
  2891. Don't you see, Donkey? That's just how
  2892. it has to be. It's the only way to break
  2893. the spell.
  2894.  
  2895. DONKEY
  2896. You at least gotta tell Shrek the truth.
  2897.  
  2898.  
  2899. FIONA
  2900. No! You can't breathe a word. No one
  2901. must ever know.
  2902.  
  2903. DONKEY
  2904. What's the point of being able to talk
  2905. if you gotta keep secrets?
  2906.  
  2907. FIONA
  2908. Promise you won't tell. Promise!
  2909.  
  2910. DONKEY
  2911. All right, all right. I won't tell him.
  2912. But you should. (goes outside) I just
  2913. know before this is over, I'm gonna
  2914. need a whole lot of serious therapy.
  2915. Look at my eye twitchin'.
  2916.  
  2917. Fiona comes out the door and watches him walk away. She looks
  2918. down and spots the sunflower. She picks it up before going back
  2919. inside the windmill.
  2920.  
  2921. MORNING
  2922.  
  2923. Donkey is asleep. Shrek is nowhere to be seen. Fiona is still
  2924. awake. She is plucking petals from the sunflower.
  2925.  
  2926. FIONA
  2927. I tell him, I tell him not. I tell him,
  2928. I tell him not. I tell him. (she quickly
  2929. runs to the door and goes outside) Shrek!
  2930. Shrek, there's something I want...(she
  2931. looks and sees the rising sun, and as
  2932. the sun crests the sky she turns back
  2933. into a human.)
  2934.  
  2935. Just as she looks back at the sun she sees Shrek stomping towards
  2936. her.
  2937.  
  2938. FIONA
  2939. Shrek. Are you all right?
  2940.  
  2941. SHREK
  2942. Perfect! Never been better.
  2943.  
  2944. FIONA
  2945. I - - I don't - - There's something
  2946. I have to tell you.
  2947.  
  2948. SHREK
  2949. You don't have to tell me anything,
  2950. Princess. I heard enough last night.
  2951.  
  2952.  
  2953. FIONA
  2954. You heard what I said?
  2955.  
  2956. SHREK
  2957. Every word.
  2958.  
  2959. FIONA
  2960. I thought you'd understand.
  2961.  
  2962. SHREK
  2963. Oh, I understand. Like you said, "Who
  2964. could love a hideous, ugly beast?"
  2965.  
  2966.  
  2967. FIONA
  2968. But I thought that wouldn't matter to
  2969. you.
  2970.  
  2971. SHREK
  2972. Yeah? Well, it does. (Fiona looks at
  2973. him in shock. He looks past her and
  2974. spots a group approaching.) Ah, right
  2975. on time. Princess, I've brought you
  2976. a little something.
  2977.  
  2978. Farquaad has arrived with a group of his men. He looks very regal
  2979. sitting up on his horse. You would never guess that he's only
  2980. like 3 feet tall. Donkey wakes up with a yawn as the soldiers
  2981. march by.
  2982.  
  2983. DONKEY
  2984. What'd I miss? What'd I miss? (spots
  2985. the soldiers) (muffled) Who said that?
  2986. Couldn't have been the donkey.
  2987.  
  2988. FARQUAAD
  2989. Princess Fiona.
  2990.  
  2991. SHREK
  2992. As promised. Now hand it over.
  2993.  
  2994. FARQUAAD
  2995. Very well, ogre. (holds out a piece
  2996. of paper) The deed to your swamp, cleared
  2997. out, as agreed. Take it and go before
  2998. I change my mind. (Shrek takes the paper)
  2999. Forgive me, Princess, for startling
  3000. you, but you startled me, for I have
  3001. never seen such a radiant beauty before.
  3002. I'm Lord Farquaad.
  3003.  
  3004. FIONA
  3005. Lord Farquaad? Oh, no, no. (Farquaad
  3006. snaps his fingers) Forgive me, my lord,
  3007. for I was just saying a short... (Watches
  3008. as Farquaad is lifted off his horse
  3009. and set down in front of her. He comes
  3010. to her waist.) farewell.
  3011.  
  3012. FARQUAAD
  3013. Oh, that is so sweet. You don't have
  3014. to waste good manners on the ogre. It's
  3015. not like it has feelings.
  3016.  
  3017. FIONA
  3018. No, you're right. It doesn't.
  3019.  
  3020. Donkey watches this exchange with a curious look on his face.
  3021.  
  3022.  
  3023. FARQUAAD
  3024. Princess Fiona, beautiful, fair, flawless
  3025. Fiona. I ask your hand in marriage.
  3026. Will you be the perfect bride for the
  3027. perfect groom?
  3028.  
  3029. FIONA
  3030. Lord Farquaad, I accept. Nothing would
  3031. make - -
  3032.  
  3033. FARQUAAD
  3034. (interrupting) Excellent! I'll start
  3035. the plans, for tomorrow we wed!
  3036.  
  3037. FIONA
  3038. No! I mean, uh, why wait? Let's get
  3039. married today before the sun sets.
  3040.  
  3041.  
  3042. FARQUAAD
  3043. Oh, anxious, are you? You're right.
  3044. The sooner, the better. There's so much
  3045. to do! There's the caterer, the cake,
  3046. the band, the guest list. Captain, round
  3047. up some guests! (a guard puts Fiona
  3048. on the back of his horse)
  3049.  
  3050. FIONA
  3051. Fare-thee-well, ogre.
  3052.  
  3053. Farquaad's whole party begins to head back to DuLoc. Donkey watches
  3054. them go.
  3055.  
  3056. DONKEY
  3057. Shrek, what are you doing? You're letting
  3058. her get away.
  3059.  
  3060. SHREK
  3061. Yeah? So what?
  3062.  
  3063. DONKEY
  3064. Shrek, there's something about her you
  3065. don't know. Look, I talked to her last
  3066. night, She's - -
  3067.  
  3068. SHREK
  3069. I know you talked to her last night.
  3070. You're great pals, aren't ya? Now, if
  3071. you two are such good friends, why don't
  3072. you follow her home?
  3073.  
  3074. DONKEY
  3075. Shrek, I - - I wanna go with you.
  3076.  
  3077. SHREK
  3078. I told you, didn't I? You're not coming
  3079. home with me. I live alone! My swamp!
  3080. Me! Nobody else! Understand? Nobody!
  3081. Especially useless, pathetic, annoying,
  3082. talking donkeys!
  3083.  
  3084. DONKEY
  3085. But I thought - -
  3086.  
  3087. SHREK
  3088. Yeah. You know what? You thought wrong!
  3089. (stomps off)
  3090.  
  3091. DONKEY
  3092. Shrek.
  3093.  
  3094. Montage of different scenes. Shrek arriving back home. Fiona
  3095. being fitted for the wedding dress. Donkey at a stream running
  3096. into the dragon. Shrek cleaning up his house. Fiona eating dinner
  3097. alone. Shrek eating dinner alone.
  3098.  
  3099. SHREK'S HOME
  3100.  
  3101. Shrek is eating dinner when he hears a sound outside. He goes
  3102. outside to investigate.
  3103.  
  3104. SHREK
  3105. Donkey? (Donkey ignores him and continues
  3106. with what he's doing.) What are you
  3107. doing?
  3108.  
  3109. DONKEY
  3110. I would think, of all people, you would
  3111. recognize a wall when you see one.
  3112.  
  3113.  
  3114. SHREK
  3115. Well, yeah. But the wall's supposed
  3116. to go around my swamp, not through it.
  3117.  
  3118.  
  3119. DONKEY
  3120. It is around your half. See that's your
  3121. half, and this is my half.
  3122.  
  3123. SHREK
  3124. Oh! Your half. Hmm.
  3125.  
  3126. DONKEY
  3127. Yes, my half. I helped rescue the princess.
  3128. I did half the work. I get half the
  3129. booty. Now hand me that big old rock,
  3130. the one that looks like your head.
  3131.  
  3132.  
  3133. SHREK
  3134. Back off!
  3135.  
  3136. DONKEY
  3137. No, you back off.
  3138.  
  3139. SHREK
  3140. This is my swamp!
  3141.  
  3142. DONKEY
  3143. Our swamp.
  3144.  
  3145. SHREK
  3146. (grabs the tree branch Donkey is working
  3147. with) Let go, Donkey!
  3148.  
  3149. DONKEY
  3150. You let go.
  3151.  
  3152. SHREK
  3153. Stubborn jackass!
  3154.  
  3155. DONKEY
  3156. Smelly ogre.
  3157.  
  3158. SHREK
  3159. Fine! (drops the tree branch and walks
  3160. away)
  3161.  
  3162. DONKEY
  3163. Hey, hey, come back here. I'm not through
  3164. with you yet.
  3165.  
  3166. SHREK
  3167. Well, I'm through with you.
  3168.  
  3169. DONKEY
  3170. Uh-uh. You know, with you it's always,
  3171. "Me, me, me!" Well, guess what! Now
  3172. it's my turn! So you just shut up and
  3173. pay attention! You are mean to me. You
  3174. insult me and you don't appreciate anything
  3175. that I do! You're always pushing me
  3176. around or pushing me away.
  3177.  
  3178. SHREK
  3179. Oh, yeah? Well, if I treated you so
  3180. bad, how come you came back?
  3181.  
  3182. DONKEY
  3183. Because that's what friends do! They
  3184. forgive each other!
  3185.  
  3186. SHREK
  3187. Oh, yeah. You're right, Donkey. I forgive
  3188. you... for stabbin' me in the back!
  3189. (goes into the outhouse and slams the
  3190. door)
  3191.  
  3192. DONKEY
  3193. Ohh! You're so wrapped up in layers,
  3194. onion boy, you're afraid of your own
  3195. feelings.
  3196.  
  3197. SHREK
  3198. (os) Go away!
  3199.  
  3200. DONKEY
  3201. There you are , doing it again just
  3202. like you did to Fiona. All she ever
  3203. do was like you, maybe even love you.
  3204.  
  3205.  
  3206. SHREK
  3207. (os) Love me? She said I was ugly, a
  3208. hideous creature. I heard the two of
  3209. you talking.
  3210.  
  3211. DONKEY
  3212. She wasn't talkin' about you. She was
  3213. talkin' about, uh, somebody else.
  3214.  
  3215.  
  3216. SHREK
  3217. (opens the door and comes out) She wasn't
  3218. talking about me? Well, then who was
  3219. she talking about?
  3220.  
  3221. DONKEY
  3222. Uh-uh, no way. I ain't saying anything.
  3223. You don't wanna listen to me. Right?
  3224. Right?
  3225.  
  3226. SHREK
  3227. Donkey!
  3228.  
  3229. DONKEY
  3230. No!
  3231.  
  3232. SHREK
  3233. Okay, look. I'm sorry, all right? (sigh)
  3234. I'm sorry. I guess I am just a big,
  3235. stupid, ugly ogre. Can you forgive me?
  3236.  
  3237.  
  3238. DONKEY
  3239. Hey, that's what friends are for, right?
  3240.  
  3241.  
  3242. SHREK
  3243. Right. Friends?
  3244.  
  3245. DONKEY
  3246. Friends.
  3247.  
  3248. SHREK
  3249. So, um, what did Fiona say about me?
  3250.  
  3251.  
  3252. DONKEY
  3253. What are you asking me for? Why don't
  3254. you just go ask her?
  3255.  
  3256. SHREK
  3257. The wedding! We'll never make it in
  3258. time.
  3259.  
  3260. DONKEY
  3261. Ha-ha-ha! Never fear, for where, there's
  3262. a will, there's a way and I have a way.
  3263. (whistles)
  3264.  
  3265. Suddenly the dragon arrives overhead and flies low enough so
  3266. they can climb on.
  3267.  
  3268. SHREK
  3269. Donkey?
  3270.  
  3271. DONKEY
  3272. I guess it's just my animal magnetism.
  3273.  
  3274.  
  3275. They both laugh.
  3276.  
  3277. SHREK
  3278. Aw, come here, you. (gives Donkey a
  3279. noogie)
  3280.  
  3281. DONKEY
  3282. All right, all right. Don't get all
  3283. slobbery. No one likes a kiss ass. All
  3284. right, hop on and hold on tight. I haven't
  3285. had a chance to install the seat belts
  3286. yet.
  3287.  
  3288. They climb aboard the dragon and she takes off for DuLoc.
  3289.  
  3290. DULOC - CHURCH
  3291.  
  3292. Fiona and Farquaad are getting married. The whole town is there.
  3293. The prompter card guy holds up a card that says 'Revered Silence'.
  3294.  
  3295.  
  3296. PRIEST
  3297. People of DuLoc, we gather here today
  3298. to bear witness to the union....
  3299.  
  3300. FIONA
  3301. (eyeing the setting sun) Um-
  3302.  
  3303. PRIEST
  3304. ...of our new king...
  3305.  
  3306. FIONA
  3307. Excuse me. Could we just skip ahead
  3308. to the "I do's"?
  3309.  
  3310. FARQUAAD
  3311. (chuckles and then motions to the priest
  3312. to indulge Fiona) Go on.
  3313.  
  3314. COURTYARD
  3315.  
  3316. Some guards are milling around. Suddenly the dragon lands with
  3317. a boom. The guards all take off running.
  3318.  
  3319. DONKEY
  3320. (to Dragon) Go ahead, HAVE SOME FUN.
  3321. If we need you, I'll whistle. How about
  3322. that? (she nods and goes after the guards)
  3323. Shrek, wait, wait! Wait a minute! You
  3324. wanna do this right, don't you?
  3325.  
  3326. SHREK
  3327. (at the Church door) What are you talking
  3328. about?
  3329.  
  3330. DONKEY
  3331. There's a line you gotta wait for. The
  3332. preacher's gonna say, "Speak now or
  3333. forever hold your peace." That's when
  3334. you say, "I object!"
  3335.  
  3336. SHREK
  3337. I don't have time for this!
  3338.  
  3339. DONKEY
  3340. Hey, wait. What are you doing? Listen
  3341. to me! Look, you love this woman, don't
  3342. you?
  3343.  
  3344. SHREK
  3345. Yes.
  3346.  
  3347. DONKEY
  3348. You wanna hold her?
  3349.  
  3350. SHREK
  3351. Yes.
  3352.  
  3353. DONKEY
  3354. Please her?
  3355.  
  3356. SHREK
  3357. Yes!
  3358.  
  3359. DONKEY
  3360. (singing James Brown style) Then you
  3361. got to, got to try a little tenderness.
  3362. (normal) The chicks love that romantic
  3363. crap!
  3364.  
  3365. SHREK
  3366. All right! Cut it out. When does this
  3367. guy say the line?
  3368.  
  3369. DONKEY
  3370. We gotta check it out.
  3371.  
  3372. INSIDE CHURCH
  3373.  
  3374. As the priest talks we see Donkey's shadow through one of the
  3375. windows Shrek tosses him up so he can see.
  3376.  
  3377. PRIEST
  3378. And so, by the power vested in me...
  3379.  
  3380.  
  3381. Outside
  3382.  
  3383. SHREK
  3384. What do you see?
  3385.  
  3386. DONKEY
  3387. The whole town's in there.
  3388.  
  3389. Inside
  3390.  
  3391. PRIEST
  3392. I now pronounce you husband and wife...
  3393.  
  3394.  
  3395. Outside
  3396.  
  3397. DONKEY
  3398. They're at the altar.
  3399.  
  3400. Inside
  3401.  
  3402. PRIEST
  3403. ...king and queen.
  3404.  
  3405. Outside
  3406.  
  3407. DONKEY
  3408. Mother Fletcher! He already said it.
  3409.  
  3410.  
  3411. SHREK
  3412. Oh, for the love of Pete!
  3413.  
  3414. He runs inside without catching Donkey, who hits the ground hard.
  3415.  
  3416.  
  3417. INSIDE CHURCH
  3418.  
  3419. SHREK
  3420. (running toward the alter) I object!
  3421.  
  3422.  
  3423. FIONA
  3424. Shrek?
  3425.  
  3426. The whole congregation gasps as they see Shrek.
  3427.  
  3428. FARQUAAD
  3429. Oh, now what does he want?
  3430.  
  3431. SHREK
  3432. (to congregation as he reaches the front
  3433. of the Church) Hi, everyone. Havin'
  3434. a good time, are ya? I love DuLoc, first
  3435. of all. Very clean.
  3436.  
  3437. FIONA
  3438. What are you doing here?
  3439.  
  3440. SHREK
  3441. Really, it's rude enough being alive
  3442. when no one wants you, but showing up
  3443. uninvited to a wedding...
  3444.  
  3445. SHREK
  3446. Fiona! I need to talk to you.
  3447.  
  3448. FIONA
  3449. Oh, now you wanna talk? It's a little
  3450. late for that, so if you'll excuse me
  3451. - -
  3452.  
  3453. SHREK
  3454. But you can't marry him.
  3455.  
  3456. FIONA
  3457. And why not?
  3458.  
  3459. SHREK
  3460. Because- - Because he's just marring
  3461. you so he can be king.
  3462.  
  3463. FARQUAAD
  3464. Outrageous! Fiona, don't listen to him.
  3465.  
  3466.  
  3467. SHREK
  3468. He's not your true love.
  3469.  
  3470. FIONA
  3471. And what do you know about true love?
  3472.  
  3473.  
  3474. SHREK
  3475. Well, I - - Uh - - I mean - -
  3476.  
  3477. FARQUAAD
  3478. Oh, this is precious. The ogee has fallen
  3479. in love with the princess! Oh, good
  3480. Lord. (laughs)
  3481.  
  3482. The prompter card guy holds up a card that says 'Laugh'. The
  3483. whole congregation laughs.
  3484.  
  3485. FARQUAAD
  3486. An ogre and a princess!
  3487.  
  3488. FIONA
  3489. Shrek, is this true?
  3490.  
  3491. FARQUAAD
  3492. Who cares? It's preposterous! Fiona,
  3493. my love, we're but a kiss away from
  3494. our "happily ever after." Now kiss me!
  3495. (puckers his lips and leans toward her,
  3496. but she pulls back.)
  3497.  
  3498. FIONA
  3499. (looking at the setting sun) "By night
  3500. one way, by day another." (to Shrek)
  3501. I wanted to show you before.
  3502.  
  3503. She backs up and as the sun sets she changes into her ogre self.
  3504. She gives Shrek a sheepish smile.
  3505.  
  3506. SHREK
  3507. Well, uh, that explains a lot. (Fiona
  3508. smiles)
  3509.  
  3510. FARQUAAD
  3511. Ugh! It's disgusting! Guards! Guards!
  3512. I order you to get that out of my sight
  3513. now! Get them! Get them both!
  3514.  
  3515. The guards run in and separate Fiona and Shrek. Shrek fights
  3516. them.
  3517.  
  3518. SHREK
  3519. No, no!
  3520.  
  3521. FIONA
  3522. Shrek!
  3523.  
  3524. FARQUAAD
  3525. This hocus-pocus alters nothing. This
  3526. marriage is binding, and that makes
  3527. me king! See? See?
  3528.  
  3529. FIONA
  3530. No, let go of me! Shrek!
  3531.  
  3532. SHREK
  3533. No!
  3534.  
  3535. FARQUAAD
  3536. Don't just stand there, you morons.
  3537.  
  3538.  
  3539. SHREK
  3540. Get out of my way! Fiona! Arrgh!
  3541.  
  3542. FARQUAAD
  3543. I'll make you regret the day we met.
  3544. I'll see you drawn and quartered! You'll
  3545. beg for death to save you!
  3546.  
  3547. FIONA
  3548. No, Shrek!
  3549.  
  3550. FARQUAAD
  3551. (hold a dagger to Fiona's throat) And
  3552. as for you, my wife...
  3553.  
  3554. SHREK
  3555. Fiona!
  3556.  
  3557. FARQUAAD
  3558. I'll have you locked back in that tower
  3559. for the rest of your days! I'm king!
  3560.  
  3561.  
  3562. Shrek manages to get a hand free and he whistles.
  3563.  
  3564. FARQUAAD
  3565. I will have order! I will have perfection!
  3566. I will have - - (Donkey and the dragon
  3567. show up and the dragon leans down and
  3568. eats Farquaad) Aaaah! Aah!
  3569.  
  3570. DONKEY
  3571. All right. Nobody move. I got a dragon
  3572. here, and I'm not afraid to use it.
  3573. (The dragon roars.) I'm a donkey on
  3574. the edge!
  3575.  
  3576. The dragon belches and Farquaad's crown flies out of her mouth
  3577. and falls to the ground.
  3578.  
  3579. DONKEY
  3580. Celebrity marriages. They never last,
  3581. do they?
  3582.  
  3583. The congregation cheers.
  3584.  
  3585. DONKEY
  3586. Go ahead, Shrek.
  3587.  
  3588. SHREK
  3589. Uh, Fiona?
  3590.  
  3591. FIONA
  3592. Yes, Shrek?
  3593.  
  3594. SHREK
  3595. I - - I love you.
  3596.  
  3597. FIONA
  3598. Really?
  3599.  
  3600. SHREK
  3601. Really, really.
  3602.  
  3603. FIONA
  3604. (smiles) I love you too.
  3605.  
  3606. Shrek and Fiona kiss. Thelonius takes one of the cards and writes
  3607. 'Awwww' on the back and then shows it to the congregation.
  3608.  
  3609.  
  3610. CONGREGATION
  3611. Aawww!
  3612.  
  3613. Suddenly the magic of the spell pulls Fiona away. She's lifted
  3614. up into the air and she hovers there while the magic works around
  3615. her.
  3616.  
  3617. WHISPERS
  3618. "Until you find true love's first kiss
  3619. and then take love's true form. Take
  3620. love's true form. Take love's true form."
  3621.  
  3622.  
  3623. Suddenly Fiona's eyes open wide. She's consumed by the spell
  3624. and then is slowly lowered to the ground.
  3625.  
  3626. SHREK
  3627. (going over to her) Fiona? Fiona. Are
  3628. you all right?
  3629.  
  3630. FIONA
  3631. (standing up, she's still an ogre) Well,
  3632. yes. But I don't understand. I'm supposed
  3633. to be beautiful.
  3634.  
  3635. SHREK
  3636. But you ARE beautiful.
  3637.  
  3638. They smile at each other.
  3639.  
  3640. DONKEY
  3641. (chuckles) I was hoping this would be
  3642. a happy ending.
  3643.  
  3644. Shrek and Fiona kiss...and the kiss fades into...
  3645.  
  3646. THE SWAMP
  3647.  
  3648. ...their wedding kiss. Shrek and Fiona are now married. 'I'm
  3649. a Believer' by Smashmouth is played in the background. Shrek
  3650. and Fiona break apart and run through the crowd to their awaiting
  3651. carriage. Which is made of a giant onion. Fiona tosses her bouquet
  3652. which both Cinderella and Snow White try to catch. But they end
  3653. up getting into a cat fight and so the dragon catches the bouquet
  3654. instead. The Gingerbread man has been mended somewhat and now
  3655. has one leg and walks with a candy cane cane. Shrek and Fiona
  3656. walk off as the rest of the guests party and Donkey takes over
  3657. singing the song.
  3658.  
  3659. GINGERBREAD MAN
  3660. God bless us, every one.
  3661.  
  3662. DONKEY
  3663. (as he's done singing and we fade to
  3664. black) Oh, that's funny. Oh. Oh. I can't
  3665. breathe. I can't breathe.
  3666.  
  3667. THE END
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