Fungal Felony

"What are you doing? Get over here and pick me up, you simpleton."

I look over at my addressor and sigh. Bossy and crude as always...

"Yes, your Highness." I reply back as I walk over to scoop up the one who called me, for she could not do it herself, what with being a Matango and all. Though she is rather heavy, I manage to lift her up in my arms, feeling the warm and springy material of her body in my arms and she puts on an imperious face as she speaks in her characteristic British accent,

"I expect a little more dignity from my subjects."

I stare at the monster girl in my arms with a flat expression. Matangos were not exactly the most loved Monster girls in the world, in fact they were widely regarded as utter parasites upon the world and many, many years ago they had been all but eradicated by various church organizations and more recently governments, however their nature of reproducing by infecting human women with their spores and transforming them while making men go mad with lust made this difficult to outright destroy them. Many times outbreaks would be put down as something like "Smallpox" or "Influenza" and the infected put to the torch.

It wasn't until recently that Monster girls became truly public in the world and Matangos became known to the wider world. Of course, just killing them was frowned upon, especially as the only remaining subjects were in isolated colonies or government supervision, but with the help of modern medicine, a preventative for their spores was created and they were tentatively allowed into human society with rules, many, many rules of probation and releasing their spores. Needless to say, I had the vaccine.

This particular fungus was only what could be called an "aberrant" of her species. Generally they were slow-witted, or perhaps their wits were only devoted to sex. She, however, had almost no sex drive. Oh yes, she was utterly gorgeous, a little under average height, but with wide hips, modest bust, and a positively radiant face that belied her true nature as a self-absorbed little twat. She gently brushes away a strand of long, black hair from her eyes, which sparkle with a deep intelligence and cunning, and the large red and white mushroom cap upon her head twitches slightly.

"Well, are you going to put me into my chair, or aren't you?"

I blink, getting back into the present and trudge over to the wheelchair in the corner of the small room, and deposit the woman, who settles down, trying to get comfortable as she settles her fused leg-roots into the chair. When she first tried this with the extra mushrooms upon her person, needless to say, it didn't really work, and she was forced to remove them. Doing so however, made her white, springy skin more apparent, and since she didn't bother to wear clothes except when in public, it sort of made her body very... apparent.

She looks at me oddly before rolling her eyes and wheeling over to a desk where she turns on a computer and deftly logs in, accessing files before bringing up something an waving me over. I shrug and do so as she points to something on what looks like building schematics for a bank, in particular she pointed at a vault.

"There it is my boy, that's where our meal ticket is headed today."

"And you're certain it will be there?" I ask, studying the plans as I had for the thousandth time. I knew it by heart, but in this business, you couldn't be too careful.

She scoffs, seeming offended, "Do you think I'm like all those other, dull-witted little simpletons, content to stay in the ground all day and have dicks shoved up their snatches?"

I'm about to say something when she raises a hand, "No, don't answer that, else I'll have to punish you."

Sadly she probably could, despite having no martial aptitude, and having pretty slim physique, she could easily tap into that crazy monster power or whatever to lay me out. Might be a little hard, what with the whole wheelchair thing, but I didn't really want to deal with that.

"Now then, I trust you remember the plan, or did the luckless idiot who picked me up happen to have difficulty remembering his part?"

I grit my teeth. This was almost a daily occurrence with her, every since I found her rooted in a grove outside of London nearly 6 months ago. In all that time, she was nothing but rude, condescending, and rather disagreeable.

Her drive and lust for money, however, was not. Perhaps in her past life as human, she was some kind of con-woman or something, but as a Matango she did not amass the lust for cock the others did, but instead the lust for adventure, for monetary gains, for power. She was as corrupt as one could possibly be, almost to the point it was sickening.

Which suited me just fine, because I was corrupt myself.

"I could have just left you rooted in the ground there you know." I retort back.

"What? And miss looking at this every day?" She says, raising an eyebrow while running a hand down her body.

I snort, "You know damn well that something like that only works when you give a little something every now and then."

"Oh? Well if you'd just ask..."

I look at her dead on, and see the glimmers of a feral hunger in her eyes, a sort of internal beast that screamed and railed within her for release, to run her hands all over my body and extract my very seed using any means at her disposal. It was a sick, depraved lust, but it wasn't any kind of love or affection, merely unrefined emotions. It was as rough and coarse as her personality, yet it stirred something within myself as well whenever I looked upon her and I reply with a grunt,

"Sure, let's do this."

Her eyes go wide as she looks at me, and the caged beast is put under a further series of locks before she turns away, waving her hand dismissively. I knew she was blushing with her back turned from me.

"We have no time for such pathetic frivolities, we must continue our preparations."

I chuckle softly, having won this little battle, yet inside I felt a certain sense of loss, as if something had been taken from me. Well, alright then, if that's how she wants to play it, cool and professional, that's fine. I could do this, she made it fairly clear that when this was all over, we'd go our separate ways anyway. We both knew that we only used each other for our skills in crime, her with computers, and I with stealth.

It still... sort of hurt for some reason.

"Yeah, whatever." I say, shaking my head, "With all your taunting, I wonder if YOU remember the plan."

She gives me a side-long glance that could freeze water before she flicks her hair over her shoulder. "Hmph. How insulting, however for YOUR sake, I shall explain myself again."

She clicks something and a few windows appear on the screen. "As you well know, our goal for this, our reason for even being cooped up together in this miserable little flat..."

"My apartment, which is very lovely, thank you." I interject. She seems to ignore this as she continues,

"Is the Golden Statue to Lama-ra, which is to be deposited secretly in this bank tonight to be transported out tomorrow."

The statue was made of solid gold, depicting an ancient Lamia queen who ruled over various other monsters with her husband, a brave hero who was said to have even slain a Goddess. It was fantasy, of course, however the statue was worth a small fortune. How she even learned of its existence while being rooted outside of town, I will never know, because she won't tell me.

"Now then, because they foolishly believe it to be secret, the security detail is lax, the vault is rather pathetic. It should be easy to hack into their systems and get you access."

I raise a hand, "What about the lasers?"

"They don't have lasers you half-wit."

"What about the robots guards?"

"I swear to the Gods above, why did I ever think I could work with you? You have no work ethic, you're a lazy lout, and you make pathetic jokes in the hopes of getting a rise out of me!"

I smile because she was right and it was amusing to see her white cheeks grow rosy. When she got mad, she started to sprout mushrooms, and I could see one appearing on her right arm, which she looks at with an annoyed expression. It was too small to tear off yet, so she'd have to live with it.

I raise my hands in a calming gesture, "Now now, don't get so worked up, I'm having a little fun is all, I know that all they'll have is some motion detectors, the guards, cameras, and the vault itself."
She huffs, blowing some hair out of her face. "Bastard. Yes, well then, I can disable the motion detectors and the cameras. Once you get me linked into the vault, I will be able to open it. As for the guards, well a big strong man like yourself should be able to fight them off, yes?"

I sigh and shake my head. "Oh yes, certainly. And the getaway?"

"I'll have a car running."

"I still don't understand how you're going to do that, we rented the van, but..."

"I said, I'll have the car running."

She has a very annoyed expression upon her face, so I shut it. Even though the terms of our little, "relationship" were built upon the shaky foundations of a damn bank heist, and I didn't even know her damn name, but I felt somehow that I could trust her.

"Damnit, maybe that vaccine isn't working as well as it should..." I mumble.

"What was that?" She says, not even looking at me.

"I said, I'm looking forward to tonight."

She turns around and nods, "I as well."


It was about 12am when we made our move. Set up in the van, my companion had hacked into the network of the little branch bank of a common company, easily slipping in like some kind of wurm into... well that's not fair, wurms just bust into whatever they want. Same principle though, although again, how she does it, I have no idea, being that where would she get computer skills from? Monsterization is scary.

I wait outside until I get the all-clear from my ear-piece and I unlock the backdoor, holding my breath as I listen for any alarms. Nothing happens, and I quickly slip inside the building.

From watching the place and some other digging, we found that there was normally two guards on duty, and I crouch down, searching for my first target.

"Don't cause too much of a ruckus." I hear in my ear.

I roll my eyes but don't reply. She knows damn well that I won't cause a mess, that despite her blustering, I'm a professional thief, and have been for many years. I've just never taken on a duo job is all, or perhaps one quite like this.

I reach a corner of the back offices and listen to the sound of a guard watching some video on his phone, laughing like an idiot. I roll my eyes at his utter lack of professionalism, but it makes my job easier as I crawl forward behind him and quickly place a hand over his mouth, a rag pressed into his face filled with chloroform. Yes, it's old, but it works. I don't really want to kill anyone if I could help it you see, he's just an idiot, not a solider or anything.

As soon as I make certain he's out, I gag and tie him with zip-ties before hiding him under his desk. Making certain I wasn't heard, I check the cameras he's watching to see that the Matango had already placed in dummy footage, excellent. If there were other cameras, we'd be fine then.

Feeling a thrill from what I just did, I move forward into the bank, listening for the next guard. I almost jump when I hear a hissing in my ear, "What? No, crap, there's a third guard!"

I turn around and hear the sound of footsteps coming from behind me and from in front of me at the same time. Shit, shit shit, this isn't how that's supposed to work!

I look around furiously for a way out. There was no way I could get both before they sounded some kind of alarm, and I needed somewhere to hide and fast.

Looking to the side, I see a restroom, and I quickly dive forward and open it, hiding inside a stall, my heart hammering. Professional huh? Fuck me, God damnit.

"Dirk? Dirk, you're not on the cameras, where are you?"

I grit my teeth, feeling shock from multiple sources. She... she actually used my name? Well one, that's not proper form, and two, she NEVER used my name.

I don't have time to think over this when the door to the bathroom opens up behind me and I go stock still as I hear the heavy footfalls of a guard. He stops before a toilet and I hear him drop trout before sighing in relief as a stream of urine flows out.

Oh thank you merciful God, you son of a bitch. I take a deep breath and slowly push open the stall I'm in, it making no sound as I crawl behind the man, who is still pissing, and I gently, and carefully, put the chloroform to his mouth. He struggles soaking the area with his urine, thankfully not on my damn shoes, and he soon slumps down into the urinal with a splashing sound.

Before I can rest, the door to the restroom bursts open and the last guard shouts, "Who the fuck are you?"

I slink down as two bullets fly overhead, and with a swift gesture, I grab the tazer, not the gun, off the guard and quickly fire it toward my new assailant. The little pegs hit the guard and he flails back and forth as electricity courses through his body before he hits the ground, twitching. I make certain he's not going anywhere, as well as the other guard, before I clean myself up and head out to the vault.

Despite the windows looking outside, it was too dark for anyone to really give a shit or care about what happened from the outside, although with my garb I was just fine. I still slinked around until I hear in my ear again,

"Oh Gods Dirk, you're alright."

"You sound sort of relieved." I say back, a smugness in my voice.

"Don't get full of yourself you little bastard, I still need you." She shoots back, but I could tell she was genuinely worried.

"The vault is just behind the..."

"I know, I know." I say before heading there, making certain there aren't other guards hiding around.

Thankfully, there weren't, and I quickly pop off a panel and insert a connection to my partner. After a few moments I hear, "Right, I'm in. One moment..."

There's some furious typing and a mutter before an exclamation of joy. "You're good to go, I'm getting the van ready."

A series of whirring clicks seems to follow a "Welcome" on the digital screen of the vault and the door slowly swings open. I roll my shoulder and slowly enter, looking around at all of the security boxes and various other items. Yes, cash could be present, but that wasn't the goal. Besides ink packs and stuff, terrible stuff now that they used Kraken ink, ugh.

I notice immediately where the statue is, hiding in a glass case in a recess in the corner. I smile and walk toward it, staring at its beauty. Honestly, it was amazingly well crafted, even down to the tattoos and flower on growing on her head. Whelp, mine now!

I reach forward when I hear in my ear, "Wait... what the hell..."

I couldn't stop however, and suddenly alarms began to blare in the room, disorienting me. I take a step back and look around, confused.

"Wha...what the fuck?" I shout. "You said it was clear!"

My Matango ally is silent for a moment. "There...were lasers."

"Oh God damnit!" I shout, watching with horror as the vault door began to close. I look at the statue, then the door, and I groan. No way to take both, so I immediately leap toward the door, rolling out as it closed behind me.

By now though, I knew the game was up. There was nothing for it, I had to get going, and now, so with that in mind, I dash out toward the main door of the building and find it, of course, locked. I was not in a good physical or mental state to unlock this fucking thing, so I beat at it over and over, my professionalism utterly lost until I howl with rage.

I look over at the where the backdoor was, and realize there was no way I'd regroup with her in time before the cops get here. We couldn't meet again, and chances were, I'd be caught soon.

Knowing I couldn't see her again was an odd feeling, as if I'd lost someone very important to me and as I make to leave, I feel more hollow than fearful. Ah, well, we were going to part anyway, and she was such a bitch... so it shouldn't really hurt like this.

But it does.

I make it about 10 feet before I hear in my ear, "Get away from the window!"

I can barely puzzle it out before a roaring of a vehicle sounds and I turn to a bright light to see a van crash through the window and into the bank, turning to face me as I flinch from the debris.

"Get in!" She shouts from the window and I hesitate for only a moment before dashing to the other seat and jumping into the van, not even closing the door before she starts driving out and out of the bank to a safe house we had made.

As the sounds of sirens begin to play behind us, I look in the mirror and, seeing no immediate pursuit, I slump into the seat, sighing.

"Fucking lasers? Really?" The Matango says angrily.

I look over to see her driving somehow, and with a start, I realize she's managed to hardwire a computer into the van to control the brake and gas, using it with one hand and steering with the other.

"You alright, Dirk?" She asks, glancing at me.

I look at her, seeing the determination, the anger, and the relief in her face. I realize then too that I feel relief as well, knowing that we had made it out, for now, and that she had come back for me. With that feeling inside, I close my eyes and sigh,

"Yeah, I'm fine. Thanks partner."

"Elizabeth, it's Elizabeth."

I smile, looking at her. "Well Elizabeth, after that rescue I could kiss you."

She stops at a light before putting the van in park and reaching over in a fluid motion to pull me in close to her, pressing her lips to mine. They feel spongy, but warm, soft, full of that pent-up lust swimming in her eyes, and she pushes it all onto me, even her thick, wet tongue into mine, and I flow back into her embrace, the two of us locking together with the force to our pent-up emotions for so many months.

And then, it was over. She pulls away, putting the van into drive, and sliding into regular traffic, easy as can be.

I touch my lips, feeling an exhilaration through me as I say, "You know Elizabeth, you're a bitch, but I think I love you."

She smiles softly, "I know you do."

That was our first, admittedly unsuccessful heist together, but not our last.