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Upon hearing that team owner The_Chaser had dropped JabbaTheGriffin for troubled VGC Player Infinity.Cypher, Slakings franchise player makiri held a press conference to discuss his personal misgivings over acquiring a troubled player whose me-first personality and history of off-the-court issues could potentially damage the team.

 

"I think my character speaks for itself," makiri told reporters after arriving late to the press conference in his custom Hummer, which he parked on the sidewalk directly in front of the Sacremento Arena press entrance. "You all know what I think of players who are locker-room distractions, who can't play with the team, who always have to be in the spotlight. I'm warning you—this 'Infinity.Cypher' guy has the reputation of being one of those self-centered types no one can stand."

 

"You heard it here first," makiri added, taking time to glare at each camera present for at least 10 seconds. "From me, makiri. No need to ask any else. That's it. That's all. That's the final word, everything the best player in the NPA has to say. Period."

 

Makiri then spent 25 minutes reading aloud from a list of every problem Infinity.cypher had experienced during his troubled tenure in the NPA.

 

"He's been in fights at nightclubs, he's been implicated in a shooting at a strip club—a strip club!—in Las Vegas. Las Vegas!" makiri said after finishing the list. "Several times he's been around people who were involved with drugs. Drugs, man. Drugs. And he has been observed on more than one occasion being openly disrespectful to women. And now he's a Sacramento Slaking? It doesn't make any sense. I'm just glad that Chris Darling isn't around to see this."

 

Makiri then fell silent for several minutes, his anger evidently transformed into sadness, before suddenly producing a large bottle of painkillers and attempting to swallow the contents. Upon being restrained by security, makiri addressed what the acquisition of Infinity.Cypher would mean to the team as a whole.

 

"The Slakings have always been the good guys, the character team, the class act, the golden boys of this league, the one everybody cheers for, the underdog, the nice guys, the pillars of the NPA community, the symbol for hard work and clean living, the team player's team, the modest and humble ones—in short, everything I've tried to stand for as a player," makiri said, punctuating each word he spoke by forcefully striking the lectern with a custom-made, Swarovski-crystal bedecked "MAKIRI" water bottle. "How could The_Chaser—how could the Slakings—how could the NPA—how could God in Heaven let this happen to me? To me!"

 

Makiri then repeated the word "Me!" at the top of his lungs roughly 20 times before bursting into tears and collapsing to the floor.

 

"I just think it's sad that I should have to put up with it, not to mention Crystal [sic] Bark [sic], who tried so hard to pass me the ball this season, and the, the defense, the defensive, you know, players, and coach… Coach… Yeah, and Coach, too, and I. No one wants to deal with a guy who doesn't even know other people exist. Ask anyone, or better yet, ask me. I am not that guy."

 

Makiri then indicated that he would take five questions from reporters, but became angry upon being asked if he thought Infinity.Cypher should have been banned from the NPA for life.

 

"I don't want to hear anyone talking bad about Infinity.Cypher," makiri said, his voice breaking as tears streamed down his face. "That's my teammate. That's my GBU player. Mine. Mine. Mine."