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Mar 24th, 2017
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  1. there is nothing worse than being a slave, and that doesn't even seem to be fitting
  2. a slave to my hormones
  3.  
  4. when start to pms, my depression and anxiety gains so much new found strength for those few days it's scary and I scare myself.
  5.  
  6. It is a time where the thoughts of "i'd be better off dead" "i'm just a burden/bother to everyone" rear their ugly heads and nearly consume me whole. Thoughts i used to have everyday back in the darkest times, and now only come 12 times a year.
  7.  
  8. but even at school it is almost controllable, as long as I have enough distractions.
  9.  
  10. but at home it is another demon altogether. it is one that in such a harsh and hostile environment, it is where it is strongest
  11.  
  12. where all my mother's words become true, where i really am just a terrible child, and all the pain i've suffered has been a lie
  13.  
  14. where my grandparents dont understand what depression is and just tell me to "stop being sad"
  15. where my mother's poor treatment, she sees as making me tough
  16. where even my bf says to "dont let it get to you" to what feels like everytime i'm upset
  17.  
  18. i feel like no one has a grasp on just how much i really fear my mother. how afraid and terrified you have to feel to be so afraid of your mother you start to cry at the VERY IDEA of having to confront her, how much abuse one has endured and when i say that i need help and cant confront her on my own, people keep pressing that i can
  19.  
  20. they mean well but it is not fair please listen to me i cannot, i can never get everything i want to say out, clearly, on my own
  21.  
  22. i know people want to see my happy but it feels like a thing i just hear constantly to suck it up and it just
  23. kills me inside
  24.  
  25. i'm trying my best i'm doing my best, i'm doing so much better than i was a months ago
  26.  
  27. i know the pms is just talking but i'm so tired and idk what to do to make my friends happy
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