3:33 PM - Jackathan: i asked jade for a blade like the one he uses
3:33 PM - Kyon: yeah?
3:33 PM - Jackathan: yeah she wouldnt give me one
3:33 PM - Jackathan: oh well
3:34 PM - Jackathan: meh
3:35 PM - Jackathan: yeah i am kindve there again
3:36 PM - Kyon: there?
3:37 PM - Jackathan: what do you image I'd want to use a blade for
3:38 PM - Kyon: Jack.
3:38 PM - Kyon: Would you like to talk?
3:38 PM - Kyon: Because I'd like to talk to you.
3:38 PM - Jackathan: ok
3:39 PM - Jackathan: go on i guess
3:39 PM - Kyon: What's wrong?
3:39 PM - Kyon: What are you feeling at this moment?
3:40 PM - Kyon: Basically, more than anything, I want you to feel okay.
3:40 PM - Kyon: I know I can't ask you to feel good, but you shouldn't have to feel the way you do.
3:41 PM - Jackathan: back, was afk
3:41 PM - Kyon: Welcome back, buddy.
3:42 PM - Jackathan: i want to say first
3:42 PM - Jackathan: every single fucking time i talk to you it sounds like im going after attention
3:42 PM - Jackathan: i really fucking hope it doesnt come off that way
3:43 PM - Kyon: It doesn't
3:43 PM - Kyon: I completely understand how you feel
3:43 PM - Kyon: And I want you to be able to say what's on your mind, because I'm honestly listening.
3:44 PM - Jackathan: i just hate everything that i am
3:44 PM - Jackathan: socially akward failure
3:45 PM - Jackathan: thats all that happens
3:45 PM - Jackathan: i want to stop it
3:45 PM - Kyon: Well hey
3:46 PM - Kyon: The cool thing about where you are right now is that you're literally in the most malleable place in your life.
3:46 PM - Kyon: Highschool is totally all about becoming who you -want- to be by discovering what it is you actually do want.
3:46 PM - Jackathan: i dont know what i can do
3:46 PM - Jackathan: i dont feel like i can DO anything
3:46 PM - Kyon: You should try as many different things as possible.
3:47 PM - Kyon: If it doesn't speak to you, jump to something else.
3:47 PM - Kyon: It's totally normal and okay for you not to know what you can do or where you stand right now.
3:47 PM - Kyon: Dude,
3:47 PM - Kyon: in highschool,
3:47 PM - Kyon: even in college
3:47 PM - Kyon: most people can't "do" anything.
3:48 PM - Kyon: LIke yeah, there are football players and there are people who graduate suma cum laude
3:48 PM - Kyon: but they're in the same place you are, trying to find who they are.
3:49 PM - Kyon: Everyone feels alone in highschool because everyone is sufferring almost the exact same way, and it's a perpetuating cycle.
3:49 PM - Kyon: but it's over really fast, in retrospect. Believe me.
3:51 PM - Jackathan: but what do i do
3:51 PM - Jackathan: i
3:51 PM - Jackathan: i dont
3:51 PM - Kyon: Generally,
3:51 PM - Kyon: what worked for me was looking at clubs and stuff afterschool.
3:52 PM - Kyon: like trying the different electives and stuff I was even passingly interested in.
3:52 PM - Kyon: Honestly, you'll find that most of those types of things are just pretense for people to hang out together and be friends.
3:52 PM - Kyon: but you get to be a part of some really cool stuff.
3:54 PM - Kyon: Just going through classes and hanging out with people at lunch, I don't think works.
3:54 PM - Kyon: Because I have a fundamental problem with the way school works
3:54 PM - Kyon: I don't think the education system in america is a good one.
3:54 PM - Kyon: Highschool and College are about learning lessons that will turn you into who you are as a person, emotionally, physically, and socially.
3:55 PM - Kyon: Not necessarily acedemically, and you have to figure that out largely on your own.
3:55 PM - Kyon: and honestly, yeah, I would suggest trying as many different clubs and activities as possible.
3:55 PM - Kyon: as many electives as you can, as long as you have even a little bit of interest in them.
3:57 PM - Jackathan: i dont know about any of the clubs
3:57 PM - Jackathan: except the shitty nerd club which i sometimes go to
3:57 PM - Kyon: Well, I mean
3:57 PM - Jackathan: cool people there, sometimes
3:57 PM - Kyon: when I say "Clubs" I mostly mean like specialized classes.
3:57 PM - Jackathan: so like actual electives
3:58 PM - Kyon: Yeah,
3:58 PM - Kyon: like theatre or band or chorus, or
3:58 PM - Kyon: like tech classes
3:58 PM - Kyon: A/V and stuff.
3:58 PM - Jackathan: oh i take enough tech classes
3:58 PM - Jackathan: i think
3:58 PM - Kyon: culinary is cool.
3:58 PM - Jackathan: i could never do theatre, band, or chorus
3:58 PM - Kyon: I really dug culinary.
3:58 PM - Jackathan: i really couldnt
3:58 PM - Kyon: Well, see, you don't know that.
3:59 PM - Kyon: even if you could never be an actor or a performer or whatever, you could be a treasurer or work backstage, or do a million other things.
3:59 PM - Kyon: and honestly, you're emotive and smart anough that I think you could be an actor.
3:59 PM - Jackathan: hah.
3:59 PM - Jackathan: very funny
3:59 PM - Jackathan: you're a comedian, kyon
4:00 PM - Kyon: It's not like you're without emotions, Jack. Clearly you've got a lot of emotional depth.
4:00 PM - Kyon: and I'm not :V
4:00 PM - Kyon: I'm alrgely a dramatic actor, I don't handle comedy very well.
4:00 PM - Kyon: largely, rather.
4:00 PM - Jackathan: i was referring to what you said
4:00 PM - Jackathan: "I think you could be an actor"
4:00 PM - Kyon: I do.
4:01 PM - Kyon: Anyone can be an actor.
4:01 PM - Jackathan: i dont know what you mean
4:01 PM - Jackathan: surely everybody has emotional depth
4:01 PM - Jackathan: i dont know
4:01 PM - Kyon: Let me put it this way,
4:02 PM - Kyon: You know what it means to be emotionally distraught,
4:02 PM - Kyon: and to have existential thoughts as to whether or not you even should be alive.
4:02 PM - Jackathan: well you got that right
4:02 PM - Kyon: That requires a certain level of despair, but your knowledge of it also implies that you have a level of intelligence and introspection
4:02 PM - Kyon: as well as knowing it's not a good thing means you've got a sense of self preservation.
4:03 PM - Kyon: These are all emotions that resonate with everyone,
4:03 PM - Kyon: and they're emotions that you'll be asked to feel onstage.
4:03 PM - Kyon: there are some people who can't feel what you feel, at this point in their lives.
4:03 PM - Kyon: there are a lot of people who are still in middleschool, despite being in highschool.
4:04 PM - Kyon: that's not to say they don't feel pain, but they don't have the depth you do yet.
4:04 PM - Kyon: Most artists, most adults, most people in general have thoughts of suicide.
4:04 PM - Kyon: it's a really relatable feeling.
4:04 PM - Kyon: You're absolutely not alone in it.
4:05 PM - Kyon: and you're nowhere near as abnormal as you might think you are.
4:05 PM - Jackathan: well thats very nice(?) of you
4:06 PM - Kyon: :V
4:06 PM - Kyon: I'm not being nice,
4:06 PM - Jackathan: i dont think i could handle
4:06 PM - Jackathan: 4:03 PM - Kyon: and they're emotions that you'll be asked to feel onstage.
4:06 PM - Kyon: Nobody thinks they can,
4:06 PM - Kyon: until they're asked to do it.
4:07 PM - Kyon: Let me ask you this,
4:07 PM - Kyon: have you ever burned your hand?
4:07 PM - Kyon: like on a stove or a heater?
4:07 PM - Kyon: or a hot car door?
4:07 PM - Jackathan: not in recent memory
4:07 PM - Jackathan: but i know the feeling
4:07 PM - Kyon: Right.
4:07 PM - Kyon: You know the feeling.
4:07 PM - Kyon: Have you ever stepped on something sharp?
4:07 PM - Kyon: or stubbed your toe really bad?
4:07 PM - Jackathan: http://fashionablygeek.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/03/walk.png
4:08 PM - Kyon: :V
4:08 PM - Kyon: But yeah,
4:08 PM - Kyon: you remember the feeling.
4:08 PM - Jackathan: indeed
4:08 PM - Kyon: If yo uthink about it hard enough, you maybe can feel that phantom pain for a split second.
4:08 PM - Kyon: you know what I mean?
4:09 PM - Kyon: Not enough for it to last, but enough to mentally be like "ow"
4:09 PM - Jackathan: yeah
4:09 PM - Jackathan: i bet
4:09 PM - Kyon: That's the basis for good acting.
4:10 PM - Kyon: It's called sensory memory, and it's how someone on a film set, under hot stage lights can pretend to be freezing to death
4:10 PM - Kyon: but that's not important.
4:10 PM - Kyon: The point is,
4:10 PM - Kyon: you don't have to be an actor or a musician or wahtever.
4:10 PM - Kyon: whatever, rather.
4:11 PM - Kyon: But there's something out there you can do.
4:11 PM - Kyon: Maybe even OJT would be good for you?
4:11 PM - Jackathan: whats that?
4:11 PM - Kyon: On the job training
4:11 PM - Jackathan: oh
4:11 PM - Kyon: It's offered in some highschools,
4:11 PM - Kyon: where you basically replace a certain amount of your classes with OJT
4:12 PM - Kyon: and you get a grade for going out and getting hired, and yo uget a paycheck.
4:12 PM - Kyon: working while you're in highschool, for a grade.
4:12 PM - Kyon: I almost did it but ended up finding my niche in theatre
4:13 PM - Jackathan: i see
4:13 PM - Kyon: Seriously, you can ask about stuff like that.
4:13 PM - Kyon: If there are any teachers you have that seem cool,
4:13 PM - Kyon: ask them if there's anything yo ucan be a part of afterschool.
4:14 PM - Kyon: Don't tell them that you're suicidal if you don't want to,
4:14 PM - Kyon: but be like "Hey, I'm feeling like I'm just sort of in highschool, and I'm not a part of anythign meaningful."
4:14 PM - Kyon: "Is there something I can be a part of?"
4:14 PM - Kyon: "I want to do more."
4:14 PM - Kyon: and see what they say.
4:15 PM - Kyon: Chances are, there's a ton more stuff you can be a part of that'll make you way happier than you might think.
4:15 PM - Jackathan: i just feel like "a person who goes to high school"
4:15 PM - Jackathan: white on white
4:16 PM - Jackathan: not happy enough to be "normal" and not sad enough to go through with - well, you know what
4:16 PM - Kyon: There's no such thing as "normal".
4:17 PM - Kyon: As dumb as that sounds, everyone is in their own kind of pain.
4:17 PM - Kyon: It's what you do to get through it, and come out the otherside that determines who you are.
4:17 PM - Kyon: a lot of the time, we feel alone, like nobody else can hear us
4:18 PM - Kyon: and that's really because everyone has so many different kinds of pain of their own,
4:18 PM - Kyon: it's deafening.
4:18 PM - Kyon: but we do what we can to get through them together.
4:18 PM - Kyon: The most important thing, Jack?
4:18 PM - Kyon: Like the actual most important thing
4:18 PM - Kyon: is that you're not alone,
4:18 PM - Kyon: and it's not worth hurting yourself.
4:18 PM - Kyon: You're going to feel better, I promise you.
4:19 PM - Kyon: and you can talk to people, not just me, but you're not alone.
4:19 PM - Kyon: Any time you feel like this.
4:19 PM - Jackathan: like a lot of the time
4:20 PM - Kyon: Yeah.
4:20 PM - Kyon: and friend, that's totally okay.
4:20 PM - Kyon: Most days, I want to die, too.
4:20 PM - Kyon: I woke up from a really shitty dream, feeling absolutely awful today
4:20 PM - Kyon: and yesterday was a shitty day, too
4:20 PM - Kyon: but I know it's not worth it anymore.
4:21 PM - Kyon: The good moments in life are so, so, SO worth living through the bad.
4:21 PM - Kyon: Even when it seems like bad is all there is.
4:21 PM - Kyon: I promise you, it gets better.
4:23 PM - Jackathan: i dont know what
4:24 PM - Kyon: I was
4:24 PM - Jackathan: i dont know what to say
4:24 PM - Kyon: super miserable in highschool
4:24 PM - Jackathan: #SAME
4:24 PM - Kyon: :V
4:24 PM - Kyon: But it got better,
4:24 PM - Kyon: and it didn't get better until junior year
4:25 PM - Kyon: but it got better.
4:25 PM - Kyon: and I know a lot of people
4:25 PM - Kyon: who have it a lot worse than I do
4:25 PM - Kyon: and they're still living, and sometimes having a better time than I am.
4:26 PM - Kyon: Life is strange, dude.
4:26 PM - Kyon: it just goes up and down and you can never tell.
4:27 PM - Kyon: but Jack,
4:27 PM - Kyon: Please talk to me whenever you feel like this.
4:27 PM - Jackathan: yeah.
4:27 PM - Kyon: I don't have a job right now, so I'm literally here whenever.
4:27 PM - Kyon: You're a good person.
4:27 PM - Kyon: and you deserve to be happy.
4:27 PM - Kyon: That's the bottom line,
4:27 PM - Kyon: and if life isn't treating you right, it's -not- your fault.
4:28 PM - Kyon: but it will get better.
4:30 PM - Kyon: In fact
4:30 PM - Kyon: why don't you install GTA or something and play with me sometime.
4:30 PM - Kyon: Maybe even tonight, if you can.
4:30 PM - Kyon: Like,
4:30 PM - Kyon: let's do something.
4:32 PM - Jackathan: i dont know man
4:35 PM - Jackathan: im sorry
4:37 PM - Kyon: It's okay
4:37 PM - Kyon: just
4:37 PM - Kyon: please don't hurt yourself.
4:37 PM - Kyon: As a personal favour
4:37 PM - Kyon: I want you to stay around
4:37 PM - Jackathan: i dont know how to feel about that
4:38 PM - Kyon: You're my friend.
4:38 PM - Kyon: and I want you to be okay.
4:44 PM - Jackathan: you're a miracle worker kyon
4:45 PM - Kyon: :V
4:45 PM - Kyon: No
4:45 PM - Jackathan: i still dont know how to feel exactly
4:45 PM - Kyon: That's okay
4:45 PM - Kyon: feel how you feel.
4:45 PM - Kyon: You don't have to feel any "way"
4:45 PM - Kyon: Humans don't understand emotions at all
4:46 PM - Kyon: and that's part of what makes them so cool
4:46 PM - Kyon: I'm heading out for now
4:46 PM - Kyon: I'll be back later
4:46 PM - Kyon: take it easy
4:46 PM - Jackathan: ook
4:46 PM - Jackathan: i can try, man
4:46 PM - Kyon: Awesome
4:46 PM - Jackathan: im working on some of my dumbass mod stuff
4:46 PM - Kyon: Good
4:46 PM - Kyon: good