New rule: unless you’re in palliative fucking care dying in a hospital alone you’re not allowed to have someone make you breakfast and serve it to you in bed. Especially not from your girlfriend. You’re not a baby, life’s not a womb, it’s horrible, get the fuck out of bed and sit at the table and face up to the crippling anxiety attack that is modern life. What, does she hold your little cock while you make toilet so you don’t get wee wee all over the floor? Wash you with a fucking rag ?? Have some self respect - god damn couples are disgusting. Fucking away in bed like pieces of shit trying to make some sort of child they have to keep alive. Slaving away in some dogshit job trying to save up for a house - stashing all that money away in a big ol’ treasure chest like some sort of fucking pirate ship man.


Why do you even want a house anyway? Who cares? It’s not the fucking 90s - just go on the internet and just rent a house; it’s easy - stop trying to be like your parents. Owning a house is embarrassing anyway, what, you’re just going to buy some land hmm? Like some sort of colonial shit cunt from England? Got yourself a nice little block of land did ya?  Haven’t you done well for yourself? The dream is over, jesus christ, let it go. If this dueling home ownership thinkpiece-narrative between idealistic self obsessed cowardly fuckheads from Gen Y media and pink skinned fat faced racists from The Daily Telegraph doesn’t end soon i’m going to tie a belt around my neck and the doorknob and just go the full Hutchence.  You’re not special either you baby boomer cunt - if you had fully charged mobile phones with the internet and delivery cocaine and imported goats cheese and $9 milkshakes when you were younger instead of Chiko Rolls and whatever else it is you had; seesaws at the park, glasses of water, cheap cigarettes, free education, a will to live, all that nonsense, if you had what we have you wouldn’t own your precious fucking house, trust me.
You’d be living with me in a sharehouse watching Curb Your Enthusiasm on your laptop drinking tinnies on the floor in your underwear like the piece of shit you really are.