What if suicide stopped by pone

>wake up
>the local noblehorse is standing over you, her mouth a smile but her eyes all a-panic
>fucking hell
>stupid fucking horses
>you manage to live in your shitty yurt without any form of contact with any of these horses for nearly a year straight
>and right when you desperately need to be left alone the new fucking wing unicorn in town decides to drop by
>"Hi there, uh,…"
>the purple one pauses
>"ANON"
>you look over to notice five other ponies, the one who spoke likely being the pink bouncing one
>you stare at her, unsure of how exactly she knows your name
>"I never forget a name! I learned yours about a year ago when I thew you that welcome-to-Ponyville-my-condolences-for-losing-everything-you've-ever-known-or-loved party when you first got to Equestria!"
>goodness fucking gracious
>you remember the party vaguely
>you got your yurt there as a present
>but you had to step out pretty early in; big crowds and parties always made your chest feel all tight
>after about a week or two of limited interactions with the horses you simply set up your yurt near the forest and shut yourself away in it
>and nobody came to visit you ever again
>until yesterday anyways
>the purple horse looks at her companions
>"Thank you, Pinkie. Why don't you girls clear out? Anon probably needs some space."
>they do so, an orange hoof dragging Pinkie out with the others
>"Now Anon…"
>uh oh
>you know what this phrase means
>some self-righteous normie is going to lecture you about how you need a social life and you need to go out more and it's just not healthy to blah fucking blah blah blah
>"I happen to be very well-read on the topic of psychology."
>"And I happen to know that, well…"
>she pauses, clearly uncomfortable
>"…attempts at what you attempted"
>fucking pasy
>"are a symptom of very severe depression."
>not this shit again
>"Now I know how rough it must have been to lose your home, your family, friends… significant other…"
>she'd be right if you'd ever had any of that
>"and I imagine that your way of coping with this, locking yourself away in that giant tent, didn't exactly help things."
>as if it was all that different from what you'd be doing on Earth right now
>"And I think we can both agree that your way wasn't the best way to healing now."
>"Equestrian psychology proposes that talking about traumatic incidents can help speed up the healing process. Would you like to talk about it?"
>you lie there silently
>"Ah, I figured as much."
>"So I've got another way to set you straight."
>"I've been zipping around all Equestria solving friendship problems as of late, but I've been ignoring this very serious - life threatening, even - friendship problem right here under my own nose, and for that I am truly sorry and I hope that some day you'll be able to forgive me for not reaching out before all this unpleasantness."
>"But I'll start now, Anon. My friends and I are going to work to make you feel valued and wanted around Ponyville."
>this can't be good
>"Now I can't leave you alone, it's very basic suicide prevention to never allow a suicidal pon- er, uh, person to be alone."
>why.jpg
>"So…"
>she lays her horn on your shoulder
>"I do hereby appoint you my vassal. You shall accompany and assist me in my daily princess tasks until such time as I release you from servitude."
>>servitude
>fucking what nigger
>now you're pissed
>and you finally get up
>with mock courtesy and an exaggerated bow, you ask
"And may I have the pleasure of knowing my mistress's name?"
>she's apparently too surprised to be pissed
>"You don't know who I am?"
>your glare answers her question
>"I am Twilight Sparkle, princess of friendship."
>goodness fucking gracious that's way too cheesey to be an actual title
>whatever
"And what if I don't want to be your servant, princess?"
>she smirks
>"Too bad, we already moved all your stuff into Spike's room; you'll be bunking with him."
>JUST
>her smirk turns devilish
>"And if you try to run away then I've got a lovely dungeon downstairs where you can spend a week with a lovely zebra named Rapestripe."
>FUCK MY SHIT UP
>surely she's not serious about that, but you can't tell by looking at her snarky countenance
>"So again, my name is Twilight Sparkle, and I'm going to teach you about friendship for however long it takes."
>she extends a hoof
"And how long is that?"
>now her eyes are throwing daggers
>"Until you don't wanna kill yourself anymore!"
>scowling, you take the squishy pony hoof in your hand
>"Very good. Now let's show you around your home."
And that's how Anon failed to an hero.

>you got approximately no sleep last night
>apparently, this Spike that you're bunking with is a little dragon
>that's not a fucking figure of speech
>he spent four hours ranting and raving about "number one assistant" and "being replaced" and oh fuck why please shut the fuck up kid
>with no warning whatsoever, he passed out and spent the next four hours snoring like a fucking rock grinder
>you'd have made another attempt if the little reptile hadn't killed your ability to think
>it was only just as, against all odds, you finally found yourself drifting toward sleep that your new fucking mistress burst through the door and pulled back the curtains on the windows
>a horrible, blinding sensation emanated from the glass
"AHH FUCK SHIT WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT"
>"It's… the Sun, Anon."
>"And watch your language around Spike! He's just a baby you know."
>upon a more careful inspection of the window, you can now see that the Sun does, in fact, still exist
>you mumble something, roll over, and pull the blanket over your head
>the blanket glows purple for an instant and is whisked off of you
>"No more time for sleep, Anon! There's lots to do. Come on!"
"Why doesn't Spike have to get up?"
>"Well he is just a baby dragon, you know. He needs his rest."
>you can't even argue at this point
>so you get up for a fresh day of fresh hell
>"Excellent. Now if you'll put some clothes on you can follow me to the table for breakfast."
>your ugly ass is in tighty-fucking-whiteys, because you just don't give a shit
"You ponies go around naked all day. What makes you so sure that humans wear clothes on a regular basis?"
>she grins a grin that seems to know too much
>"Oh, you'll see how I know soon enough."
>FUCK
>you reckon she must have recorded you fapping all day in that yurt somehow
>without a word, you head over to your trunk to grab some pants
"What the fuck is this?"
>you hold up a shirt that seems to belong more at a renaissance fair than in daily wear
"Where are my clothes?"
>"Oh, those were all ragged and ruined. Don't worry, I had a good friend make you some new ones yesterday while you were, uh"
>"unconscious."
>whatever
>so you head down to breakfast dressed up like a fucking merry man of King Fagsalot's court
>upon entering the dining room, you see a round, glass table surrounded by seven chairs, six with pastel symbols on them
>five of these are already filled
>Twilight greets her guests and sits down in the chair with the purple star on it
>and all the ponies stare at you
>oh fuck
>you have to sit down to eat
>but the only seat left is a little chair right next to Twilight
>autism locks you in place and keeps you from moving
>Twilight coughs
>"Uhh, are you going to sit down, Anon?"
"Y-y-yeah"
>you shuffle awkwardly to the open chair
>but things only get more awkward as the chair seems to push you out of it and you end up face down on the floor
>Twilight giggles nervously
>"Well, uh, that's never happened before. I guess that throne is for Spike only."
>fucking Spike
>a moment of silence passes
>"Uh that should be all right. Just let me get you your own chair here."
>her horn glows purple and a rickety, wooden chair also glowing purple floats into the room and lands right next to Twilight's chair
>"There we go. That should do it."
>you plop down unceremoniously into your chair, too far gone to feel shame
>purple glowing plates of pancakes come streaming into the room
>nobody says a word as the meal commences
>but eventually the white pony speaks up
>"So, Anon, darling"
>she pauses when your dull gaze meets her glassy stare
>"How do you like the clothes I made you?"
>your dull gaze becomes an apparently annoyed one
>"Uuh, I mean, how do they fit, and, stuff…?"
>you pull your arms across your chest and the white unicorn cringes violently as the sound of stretching and slight tearing fills the air
>"Uh right. Too tight then. Be sure to stop by my boutique later for a refitting."
>she breaks eye contact and becomes very interested in the arrangement of fruit on top of her pancakes
>the meal ends without another word
>Pinkie the pink pony grinned a shiteating grin and inhaled loudly as if to say something stupid at one point, but the orange pony put a stop to that by shoving her hoof into Pinkie's mouth
>when the pancakes are no longer being eaten, the five ponies get up and leave without a word
>are the symbols on those chairs duller than they were before?
>Twilight purples your shirt and drags you away
>"Come on, Anon. Why can't you have been a little more outgoing? Those are my closest friends, and they want to be your friend too!"
>>they want to be your friend too
>>implying
>she groans
>"All right, that's fine. This next exercise is sure to do you some good."
>she takes you into an empty room, save for a mirror and a fuck-ugly contraption attached to it
Part 3: Anon Fucking Hates EqG tomorrow

>fuckcuntering shitdicking jewniggers on a lavacock
>you have never felt so much physical agony in all your life
>you find yourself lying on a surprisingly familiar surface
>a cement sidewalk
>a dull thud to your right informs you that your damned slavedriver has a arrived
>"Oh dear…"
>you snap your head around to see a purple girl with massive eyes and a tacky skirt towering over you
>is that Twilight?
>HOW THE FUCK IS SHE TOWERING OVER YOU?
>you scramble to your feet to find that your hands are still touching the ground
>you're afraid to look down but you have to, damnit
>your arms are covered in shaggy, red fur
>your jaw is so long that you can see your lips
>your feet have thumbs
>you let loose with a string of curse words that would make even the most hardcore shitposter cringe, attracting the attention of other colorful, bug-eyed people
>Twilight just looks disappointed
>"Well, come on Anon. We've still got business here."
>she gives you the cuntiest grin she can muster
>"And no monkey business."
>wishing unmentionable things on Twilight Sparkle, you follow her into a venerable brick building
>to be greeted by another Twilight Sparkle
>oh fucking balls the world does not need two
>"Twilight, I'm glad you made it. And I see you brought a friend?"
>"I'm always glad to meet a good friend, Twilight. And this is Anon."
>"Fascinating. What was he in Equestria?"
>"Well, that's just the thing. He looked almost exactly like the people here."
>"A human?"
>"Exactly!"
>"Incredible. I see no reason for why he should be an ape in this universe."
>fortunately these two fucking nerds are too deeply engrossed in their conversation to address you
>"So, Anon"
>shit fucking fucksticks
>"Do you have any idea why this may have happened to you?"
>fucking dumb cunt asking obvious questions
"Probably because humans are closely related to chimps, dumbass."
>otherTwilight is either too autistic or too shocked to take offense
>"What? No, humans have no particularly close relatives, but we are descended from Eohippus, an ancient ancestor of horses."
>before you can angrily tell her that that's fucking wrong, your Twilight buts in
>"Really? That's fascinating! Ponies are also descended from a creature called Eohippus!"
>you're given the privilege of listening to a discussion about magic horse evolution for the next eight hours
>noticing that Twilight doesn't have a horn here, you wonder if she can still purple you, and this thought leads you to entertain yourself with elaborate mental experiments of suicide
>you think you're about dead set on sticking your chimpdick in Twilight's mouth, ripping off her head with ape strength, allowing the biting down reflex to rip off your penis, and bleeding to death
>but before you can come up with another plan, Twilight grabs your hand and leads you out of the building
>"Well, I'm sorry, Anon. I'm sure you're very disappointed about not being able to live here as a human."
>yeah, right
>"Are you sure you don't want to stay anyway?"
>she seems way too hopeful
>so all you do is glare
>Twilight sighs and leads you through the mirror
>you're fucking stuck with me now, bitch
Part 4: Anon Fucking Hates Fun tomorrow probably

"Wait, you're telling me that that mirror was magic?"
>"Of course. How else do you explain the universe-jumping and the transformations?"
>you make your face as near a perfect costanza.jpg as you can get
"You're telling me… magic?"
>Twilight purples her horn and you feel a slap across your face
>"Magic."
>oh
>so that's what that purple shit is
>reflecting on the conversation you've just had, you marvel at the fact that you just had a conversation
>was that even a good thing?
>you eat the rest of your breakfast in silence
>you rapidly lose sight of the outside world, retreating into your thoughts
>"Anon"
>"Anon"
>"Anon"
>shaking your head, you look over to your host
>"Is there anything else you'd like to talk about?"
>her smile gives it away
>fucking sneaky cunt was trying to therapy you the whole time
>you mutter something, even you don't know what you meant to say
>"Well all right then. Say, I'm visiting a good friend after breakfast. Care to join me?"
>you really don't care to join her
"S-s-s-sure…"
>fucking shitfucks on a niggerdick why did you say that?
>you've gotta be an alpha and stand up for yourself for once in your life, you fucking cuckold
>"Great! Why don't we head out right now?"
"O-okay…"
>y-you'll stand up for yourself later probably
>you meekly go out after your ruler
>the sun is too bright
>this walking makes your feet hurt
>you wish you were at home doing nothing of value
>this building you're coming up to looks like an ugly cupcake or something
>Pinkie the pink horse is waiting outside for you
>"HI TWILIGHT! HI NONNY!"
>you cringe a little bit
>Twilight, in a flash, leans over to Pinkie's ear
>"Pinkie, you're making him uncomfortable."
>oh my fucking why
>"Oh, I'm sorry Anonymous, I'm just so excited to be here with you and Twilight and Gummy and-"
>a purple hoof plugs her mouth
>it occurs to you that you've never told anyone in magic horse land that Anon is short for Anonymous
>Twilight makes a suggestion
>"Why don't we go inside?"
>Pinkie leaps into the air
>"OOH! THAT'S A GOOD IDEA! LET'S GO!"
>she dashes inside so fast she leaves a pink contrail in her wake
>Twilight smiles at you like a teacher encouraging her downy student
>"Well, go on, Anon. Open the door."
>you hesitantly obey
>you're greeted with a solid wall of color and noise
>"SURPRISE!"
>JUST
cont'd at some later point probably

>"WhenTwilightsaiddhewasbringingyouovertovisitIgotsoexcitedbutalsoalittlebitnervousbecauseforasecondthereIcouldn'tthinkofwhattodoandthenIrealizedthatthebestthingtodowhenafriendtriestokillthemselfistothrowapleasedon'ttrytokillyourselfagainslashyouareanappreciatedandvaluedmemberofourcommunitypartyandIjustwannasaythat…"
>your mind blanks out the torrential downpour of ADHD somewhere around this point
>you stand there gripping your tie tightly, eyes darting in all directions
>holy fuck why are there so many horses?
>Twilight's hoof nudges your hand
>"Anon, would you like me to introduce you to some of the ponies?"
"S-sure."
>keeping her torso against your leg, she takes you around the room to see a group of four ponies, all of them from the breakfast yesterday
>"Hi everyone, this is Anon."
>a chorus of cheery greetings emanates from the little clique
>"Anon, these are my closest and dearest friends. With their help, I went from a standoffish shutin to the pony I am today."
>it's obvious what she's trying to imply here
>"This is Applejack,"
>"How d'ye do, Mr. Anon?"
>"and Rarity,"
>"I'm truly glad to make your acquaintance, darling."
>"and Rainbow Dash,"
>"'Sup?"
>"and Fluttershy."
>"Hello."
>like the scene from yesterday never even happened
>except that it did happen
"Uh…"
>the girls turn away from you and resume their conversation without missing a beat
>you're not sure if you should be offended or relieved
>"Oh, well, that's all right, Anon. Why don't we go get some refreshments?"
>now you know what this is like
>this is like that time your mother tried to bring you to her friend's house for her friend's daughter's birthday party
>you have to be more social, Anon
>if this goes anything like that, all you have to do is silently follow Twilight around until the embarrassment of being associated with such a collassal failure at life drives her out of the party
>Twilight doesn't realize that her training will fail because you are aspergers incarnate, and your will to be autistic is unconquerable
>but as you reach the table, something unexpected happens
>"HEY NONNY!"
>the pink mass hits you before the floor does
>unexpected_intimacy.jpg
>you catch Twilight's face, somewher between concern and amusement
>"Nonny, you look a little bit uncomfortable."
"W-well you are pinning me down…"
>"Not like that, silly! Like in general!"
>you have no reply
>"That's okay, Anon, sometimes I feel uncomfortable at parties too, and I really really really love parties! But do you know what always helps me get over it?"
>a pink hoof produces a plastic cup full of amber nectar
>Twilight's voice develops a slight trill
>"Pinkie, are you sure this should be that kind of party?"
>Pinkie ignores her princess, focusing intently on you
"Wh-wh-what?"
>"ALCOHOL!"
cont'd later probably

>Pinkie Pie gets off of you and offers you the cup
>you've actually never drank before
>you always heard that drinking alone results in mind-crushing alcoholism, and, well, you didn't have any social gatherings to go to
>but now might be a good time to try it
>you glance at Twilight
>she seems to be pleading with you in her eyes not to do it
>and that sinches it
>you take the cup and chug it down in one gulp
>OH MOTHER FUCK BALLS SHITDICKING NIGGERS IN HELL
>you spend the next fifty years wheezing, tearing up, clutching at your throat, and stumbling around
>after that's all said and done, Twilight and Pinkie are staring at you, seeming somewhat concerned
>"ANON! Are you okay?!"
"Y… y-y…. yeah, totally."
>Pinkie starts giggling
>"Oh, Nonny, you silly head. You're not supposed to chug it down like that? Haven't you ever had a drink before?"
"O-of course I have!"
>the blue one, Rainbow Dash, swoops down near you, holding a whole cupful of that horrible poison
>"Then have another."
>Twilight rushes to your side
>"Anon, you don't have to if you don't want to!"
>Pinkie Pie is less than helpful
>"DO IT!"
>naturally, you take the cup
>knowing full well that no good will come of this, you drink it all up
>at a more reasonable speed this time, of course
>"YYYEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAHHHH"
>"Hey Twilight, you want one?"
>"Oh, I don't know, girls. Someone has to be in her right mind here."
>"Oh, come on, egghead. Everybody's doing it. Have a little fun for once in your life."
>"Oh dear."
>Twilight, apparently, is just as susceptible to peer pressure as you are
>now you know everything's going to go wrong
>the rest of Twilight's friends come trotting over
>the white one Rarity distributes drinks to all of you and speaks up
>"I do hereby propose a toast. To Anon, our new friend, that he may find happiness and fulfillment in this new chapter of his life!"
>disorderly "hear, hears" ring out, and all take another drink
>now things start to blur a little bit
>the next thing you remember is a red pony with berries on her butt
>"Wow, Anon, you can drink so much! How do you do it?"
>a blue pony with a black mane answers
>"He's a big guy!"
"FOR YOU"
>blurs and blackness
>you're in a basement with a green unicorn with a harp thingy on her butt, a pink unicorn with gems on her butt, Twilight Sparkle, and Pinkie Pie
>a banner that reads "Ponyville Extraequestrial Life Club"
>the green one is all over you
>she's explaining how, for the past year, she's been camping outside of your yurt doing nothing but watching you
>"aw shit nigga," says the alcohol, "you've got a stalker! fuckin awesome, dude!"
>aawwwww yeeeeeeh, you reply, gonna lose the v-card tonight brih
>the other mares are just sitting there giggling, Twilight taking sloppy notes on a clipboard
>the doors burst open and a morbidly obese teal unicorn bursts in, giving her best attempt at bedroom eyes
>"HEY THERE, HOT STUFF"
>the green pone leaps at her
>"FUCK OFF, TUMBLE HOOVES, THIS XENO IS MINE!"
>more blurry incoherence
>you're in what seems like a darkened palace, following a pink unicorn with a giant mane
>in your hands is a jar that holds what seems to be a floating picture of the Sun
>she suddenly motions for you to be quiet
>"Anon, give me the mark. Take out that guard!"
>more blackness, but this time with some red and a little more pain
>you're standing at the entrance of the forest
>ponies in golden armor are launching a merciless campaign against you
>but they are no match for you
>you are trained in gorilla warfare and you're the top sniper in the entire US armed forces
>but somehow you got surrounded, and it's all over now
>a mighty battle cry sounds
>it's Tumble Hooves
>she proceeds to rip and tear some guts
>sweet, merciful, blankness
>morning
>you're in your bed in Spike's room
>and so is Tumble Hooves
>you feel something around your dick, but nothing in your heart except shame
>pulling out, you reach down and feel lint on your member
>and there is no doubt in your mind that you fucked this horse in the bellybutton last night
Anon Fucking Hates the Spa tomorrow probably

>recoiling, you leap out of bed
>this, you come to realize, was a horrible idea
>your senses are overwhelmed with pain and sickness and bright light
>time for some magic of your own
>it comes rushing up and out of your esophagus and right onto your unfortunate partner
>Tumble Hooves gets a full blast broadside
>but she's as steady a ship as there ever were, and she takes without a pitch or a roll
>that horse is passed the fuck out
"S-s-s-s-s-s..sorry…"
>you limp weakly from your room toward the kitchen
>you see that Twilight's night must have been comparable to yours
>she's visibly frazzled, and she's rushing around the kitchen with quill pens and paperwork galore flying about
>you stand there for a full five minutes or so before she notices you
>"Oh, Anon, good morning"
>there's a horsecock drawn on her eyelid
"So… how was… you're, uh, night?"
>her hair is a clumpy apocalypse
>"Oh, it was fine, fine, just great! I just need to fill out a few forms here, sign a few waivers, make a few court appearances, hunt down a communist terrorist, and there'll be no legal consequences for either of us!"
>an overpowering scent of stale maple syrup floats off of her body and into your nostrils
>a flash of green flame alerts you to Spike's presence
>he lies on the ground in agony as his fire materializes into another legal document
>holy shit, is that where all these papers came from?
"I'm sorry, Twilight."
>"Oh-ho-ho, don't worry about it, little buddy! It's fine, just fine, fine fine! So fine!"
>a purple eyelid twitches
>"It's really not your fault. I should have kept a closer eye on you. And also I probably shouldn't have chugged a whole keg of Grey Mare. Or given you the key to our nation's capitol palace. You probably weren't ready for a Pinkie party, and that one went way more out of control than ususal."
>a whole keg of vodka?
>geez-o-fucking-loo
>Twilight clearly wasn't much better adapted for such things than you were
>maybe it was true what she said about having been a "standoffish shutin" once
"I guess a big crazy party like that really wasn't a cup of tea for either of us."
>she looks you in the eye with a smile
>"No, I guess it really wasn't."
>a sensible chuckle is shared
>but it's cut short by another blast of green flame
>Twilight grabs the paper and her eyes pop out of her skull
>"SWEET FANCY STARSWIRL! ONE HUNDRED?!"
>Twilight purples her horn and a scalpel, a petri dish, a micropipette, a vial of liquid, and a list of adoption centers in the greater Ponyville area float into the room
>"Anon, I need to get to Fluttershy's right away! Rarity's coming over to take you to the spa. I'm sure you'll like it a lot more than last night. Bye!"
>a flash of light and she's gone
>another and she's back
>"Oh, and get Spike to his bed. Poor thing must have the most awful tummyache right now."
>and she's gone again
>you decide not to take Spike back to his own bed, as the room is somewhat less than decent right now
>so you enter the royal bedchamber and set him down on a deep amethyst pillow
>apart from a strong scent of maple syrup, it's surprisingly clean in here
>you head down and wait outside the door
>AGH, THE SUN, IT BURNS
>you forgot you were still hungover like a motherfuck
>fortunately you're not left waiting too long
>"Ah, Anonymous, darling. I had such a wonderful time with you at the party last night. Ready to go?"
>how is this horse in such good shape?
>and how in hell did she have a "wonderful time" with you?
>you grunt a wordless greeting, get up and walk over to her
>"Wonderful! Twilight told me you'd be in terrible condition this morning, and I figured that a nice afternoon at the spa would work wonders for you!"
>"Ah, it's right around this corner"
>"Annnd, here we are!"
>you follow the white pony into a garishly posh facility
>and you're greeted by two ponies in headbands who remind you of Trix yogurt
>"Aaaahhhhh, Miss Rarity! What can we do for you and your friend today?"
>"Hm, I'm caught between the hot rocks, the mudbath, and the seaweed wrap…"
>she turns to you
>"Anonymous, darling, what do you think we should get here?"
Anon Fucking Hates the Spa, pt 2 tomorrow probably

>hot rocks?
>that sounds fucking ebin my dude
"What about the hot rocks?"
>"Ooh, that does sound so excellent!"
>"Lotus, Aloe, prepare some hot rocks for my friend and I."
>they lead you to a room with two tables in it
>"Lay down right there, and we'll be with you in a moment."
>in the few minutes they're gone, there is absolute silence
>are you supposed to say something?
>you look over at Rarity for some cue
>she's giving you a sincere smile
>ohshitohfuckohwhatamisupposedtodo
>you attempt to twitch your mouth into a smile back, but it just won't stay
>you give up and look away
>and check on her response with your peripheral vision
>her smile is replaced with a look that seems to be somewhere between confusion and indignance
>fuck
>"And we are back with your hot rocks."
>there's no reply, and the awkward tension rises doubles
>"And we'll just put them here…"
>Rarity sighs as heated stones are layed on her back, the autism of a moment previous forgotten
>thank fuck
>maybe this'll make things less-
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH''
>IT BURNS
>the blue pony jolts in shock
>and drops the whole bucket onto your unprotected, hairless body
>WAKE ME UP INSIDE
>"A-a-a-ah, j-just let me put a towel there…"
>she violently swipes the rocks off of your back with a hoof, making impacts and friction
>CAN'T WAKE UP
>she hastily puts a towel on your ruined skin and drops more rocks on it, creating and unbearable sense of irritation and ripping
>SAVE MEE
>you flop off of the table and onto the floor, still screaming like an angered tard
>Rarity rushes over and throws some bits at the attendants
>"Ah, let's just get you home now, darling."
>she's met with more shrieking
>"Or, uh, maybe to the emergency room?"
>it's actually not agonizing anymore
>you're just screeching now
Anon Fucking Hates Tea Time tomorrow probably

>"And… that… should… do it!"
>the last of Twilight's magic ebbs out of your back
>it still stings all over, but you should be able to walk now
>"Now, you have to take it easy for the rest of the day, Anon. You're still sensitive and the skin on your back will tear easily."
"So what do I do all day?"
>"Well it was my intention to visit Fluttershy's place for tea. You're welcome to tag along."
>she gives you the sweetest little smile
>it's a smile that tells you that if you tell its owner "no" she'll force you to come anyway
"Sure."
>"Great. I'm ready to go now!"
"I'm not wearing a shirt."
>"Oh, it'll be fine, let's go! Nobody's gonna judge you or anything!"
>you look down at your body
>it's definitely in the "skinny" range from a year of hardly eating
>on the upper half you can see your ribs
>on the lower half it's wierdly lumpy and it reminds you of cottage cheese
>you've somehow managed to retain your manboobs, which stick out a bit past the point where healthy pecs ought with your body composition
>most of your torso's hair surrounds your belly button, but a few long hairs sparsely populate the area between your nipples
>fuck it
"All right, whatever you say, princess."
>she doesn't smack you for the snarky remark
>"Great. I think you'll really like Fluttershy, Anon. She's a lot like you."
>doubt.jpg
"One hundred?"
>her smiling face goes blank
>"It would be unethical of me to divulge the nature of what was corrected at her cottage yesterday."
>a smirk finds its way onto the unicorn's lips
>"Besides, it's not exactly as if you were acting like yourself the other day, either."
>you lose your will to speak and silently head out the door
>Twilight trots out after you with an awkward chuckle
>"Uh, whoah there, wait for me."
>it's a long ass walk with an awkward silence
>but you get there
>Twilight knocks on the door
>and a yellow pony opens the door
>"H-hi, Twilight. A-a-and, uhm…"
>they both look at you, waiting for you to remind Fluttershy of your name
>you don't
>"Anon. This is Anon."
>"H-hi Anon."
>"May we come in?"
>"Oh, of course."
>Twilight walks right in, hops onto the couch, and looks at you
>you take your seat
>Fluttershy brings a tray with three teacups into the room and sits on the a chair across from Twilight's position on the couch
>Twilight magically distributes cups to everyone, and Spaghetticon Eqeustria begins
>"So, uh, Fluttershy, you're a little more quiet than normal. What's up?"
>Fluttershy glances at you while muttering something incomprehensible
>"Is it Anon? Is he making you feel uncomfortable?"
>your eyes cross ever so slightly and you find your gaze fixed to the floor
>"Okay, well, uh, I'm gonna go and do, something, for a little bit. Be right back. Okay?"
>Twilight leaves the silent room and steps outside
>time passes
>about two minutes in you drea, up a little thought experiment
>take two people of the kind that won't initiate conversation
>put them in a room together
>and wait to see if discussion happens anyway
>what an interesting thought
>perhaps you should say something
pt 2 tomorrow probably

"So"
>fuck
>Fluttershy bolts upright and stares wide-eyed at you
>fuuuuck
"S-so, uh, how's that life?"
>a wordless noise of uncertainty escapes her lips and strikes you like a newspaper might strike a misbehaving puppy
"Well, uh, that's good I guess."
>she's still staring right at you, her eyes big as saucers
>literally
>these ponies can be freaky as shit
>her massive pupils aren't quite meeting your eyes though
>they're a little bit
>lower
>and suddenly you're overcome with the sensation of an autistic yellow horse staring at your nipples
>fucking Twilight with her "nobody's gonna judge you" shit
>you grab a pillow and hug it to your torso in an attempt to hide your shame
>Fluttershy bites her lip and her eye twitches slightly
>what the fuck
>was she enjoying the view
>is she attracted to you?
>plsbeinlondon.jpg
"I-I'm sorry, did you want to see?"
>Fluttershy's eyes become as big as the fucking sun
>"OH, NO! I'm just… not sure if that's…"
>she cringes a little
>"sanitary…"
"O-o-o-oh…"
>of fucking course she was grossed out by your misshapen body on her pillow, you autist
>after a moment of staring at the wall to your left, her soft voice sounds in your ear
>"Anon, your tea looks cold. Would you like me to get some more?"
>you jump like a fucking skeleton just grabbed your shoulder
"S-sure"
>"I'll be right back."
>a minute passes
>she's probably sneaking out
>hoofsteps
>it's Fluttershy, she actually came right back with more tea
>oh fuck why didn't she just sneak out?
>she sets down the tea in front of you and returns to her seat
>"So Anon."
>
"Yes?"
>"What are the animals like where you're from?"
>you notice now that several dozen birds, bunnies, rodents, and even a massive bear are approaching Fluttershy's chair, staring at you
>one white rabbit stands on top of the back rest, gazing angrily into your soul
"Well, the rabbits are fatter."
>Fluttershy's eyes take on both the size and the brilliance of the sun
>"Oh, you have bunnies where you're from? I thought you came from another world?"
"I don't really know where I came from, relative to here."
>"But you have bunnies?"
"Yes."
>"What else do you have"
>you mentally prepare yourself
>for the best explanation of Earth's wildlife you can possibly give
>and for the longest conversation with a female you've ever had
pt 3 tomorrow probably :^)

>"No!"
"Yes, all of them."
>Fluttershy's composure devolves into a fit of giggles
>"Oh Anon, I can't possibly see why you were so sad. You're just so lovable."
>she's sitting next to you now, and currently mockingly pinching your cheeck with an impossibly dextrous hoof
>small talk is great
>you can't say just what exactly you've been talking about for the past two hours
>but you're having a nice time for once
>Fluttershy's comment makes you feel a little more reserved
>you grunt to express some emotion you don't know the word for, but the giggling mare doesn't notice
>it is at this moment that your eyes are stabbed by the flash of a neon light
>in between you and Fluttershy sits a monstrous creature
>serpentine in shape, with a horse's head and a myriad of other parts that don't belong on the same body
>"Fluttershy! You've missed our evening stroll entirely! I've been positively sick with anxiety!"
>"Oh, I'm so sorry Discord. I've just been so caught up in talking with Anon here."
>the snakelike neck whips around, bringing its head inches from your face
>"Anon, eh?"
>the words "good evening" form in your lungs, but never make it past your throat despite several tries
>"How d'you do."
>totally disinterested, he turns back to his horse to resume his discussion
>y-you too
>"Fluttershy! You know how busy I've become lately, this is the only time I'm able to spend with you anymore!"
>"What exactly do you do all day?"
>Discord ignores the question, continuing his rant
>"And I'm nigh on five thousand years old! I need my excercise to stay healthy! I simply can't keep it off like the young, beautiful folks do anymore."
>now might be the time for a smartass comment
"R-really? Y-y-you don't look a day over fourteen hundred!"
>Discord turns to look at you again, this time seeming a bit pissed off
>he sizes you up, top to bottom
>"You should really consider wearing a shirt."
>Discord snaps his fingers and a hideous, yellow polka-dot sweatervest materializes over your bare chest
>Fluttershy poorly conceals a giggle
>you've always read that, in these sorts of situations, a man is supposed to feel a burning sensation in his face
>yet you feel nothing but the return of an old, familiar pit in your stomach
>something that had previously been there so long you'd simply stopped noticing it
"I should probably get going now."
>Fluttershy manages to look a little bit disappointed
>"Please come back any time you-"
>"Yes, yes, it is getting quite late, isn't it? You should really run along back to your princess now."
>snap
>and you're outside of Fluttershy's little cottage
>all the blinds and curtains close, and the door clicks locked
>oh, and just in time, too
>Twilight is walking back to the cottage, carrying what seems to be a box of wafer cookies
>she hasn't noticed you yet
>so you dash off of the beaten path and make your escape behind a cover of trees, bushes, and darkness
>once you're out of the cottage's general vicinity, you wonder where you can even go
>your yurt has been taken down; you went past the spot where it once stood
>nowhere to go but back to your shitty little bed in Princess Twilight's crystal castle
>it's time for bed anyways
>you're just so tired
Anon Fucking Hates /fit/ tomorrow™.

>"Anon, how was Fluttershy's last night? I came back with refreshments, but you'd already left."
"I-it was"
"fine."
>"Are ypu sure, Anon? I know Discord showed up, and I know he can be a little bit…"
>she bites her lip here
>the look on your face probably tells her everything that happened
>"… possessive."
"A little bit."
>a minute of silent breakfasting ensues
>"Anon, I'm asking because I don't really know if you should be wandering off on your own like that yet. There's just no telling what you might, you know,"
>you very intentionally give her the most morose, pissy face you can give
>"do to yourself."
"Thanks for the concern, princess, but as you can see, I haven't fucking killed myself yet."
>more silent eating
>it is at this, the least appropriate moment, that a bolt obnoxious blue lightning zips into the dining room
>"TWILIGHT. You have got to see this!"
>Rainbow Dash shoves a piece of paper into her princess's face
>Twilight takes hold of the letter and reads aloud
>"Dear Rainbow Dash, we are pleased to inform you that your service has been transferred from the Equestrian Wonderbolts Skyfleet Reserve to the Equestrian Wonderbolts Regular Reserve. Bi-monthly musters will be held…"
>"Rainbow, this is great!"
>the two hug
>"But what exactly does it mean?"
>"It means that I am one step closer to being a real Wonderbolt!"
>"Oh, Rainbow, I'm so happy for you!"
>what the fuck is a wonderbolt
>"But that's not the only reason why I came here!"
>Rainbow turns her attention to you
>fucking why
>"You know half of Ponyville saw you walking around without a shirt on last night, right?"
>your gaze drops and you groan a little bit
>"Rainbow, what are you doing?!"
>Rainbow Dash ignores the royal question
>"That's right. You seriously need to get in better shape. Fortunately for you, I am Ponyville's leading expert in fitness!"
"Wh-wh-wh-what are you saying?"
>she bumps your chest with her hoof
>"I'm saying you should come work out with me today, Anon."
>Twilight's visible concern evaporates
>Rainbow smiles eggingly
>you don't really want to be here with Twilight all day
>but you only ever worked out alone back home
>before you got here, you'd even built up a respectable home gym just to avoid interacting with gym-goers
>a workout partner just sounds…
"I'm down."
>YES!
>fuck
Anon Fucking Hates /fit/, pt 2 tomorrow possibly maybe if the stars align just right

>you're flopping on the ground
>Dash looks over to you, still effortlessly pushing herself up and down with her wings
>"Really, Anon? That was only forty pushups."
>and you could barely squeeze out fifty situps
>and you couldn't even make a mile run in under ten minutes
>with this latest failure, you sink your face into the backs of your hands
>you truly have lost all your gains
>a year of not lifting and not eating will do that to you
>she pushes herself up off the ground and into the air, from which she immediately takes to flying
>"All right, come on then, Anon. Warm up's done. We'll get you in shape yet."
>shame
>absolute fucking shame
>she leads you over to what feels like an old friend that you've been ignoring
>free weights
>"All right, Anon. Let's get your max weights for the five big lifts; then we can figure out a plan for you."
>"First up, benches."
>she sets up the bar over the bench with fifty pounds
>fifty?
>whatever
>"Just lay down right here, grip here and here, and… go."
>one
>two
>fuck
>three
>is this really just
>four
>just fifty pounds
>f-f-fi-
>come on you nigger
>Dash starts reaching over to help
>fuckshitcuntniggeringdicklickers
>f-f-five
>"Not bad. Fifty pounds it is then."
>fifty
>that's just depressing
>silently, you follow your trainer over to a bar already set up on the gym floor
>"Let me see here… sixty pounds."
>she looks you over
>"That should be good for deadlifts. We might have to take a little off though. I don't really know how this'll work for a two legged… uh, thing like you."
"I know how to deadlift."
>she gives you the doubt.jpg look
>"All right then."
>you step over and give it a shot
>but your back catches fire before it gets above two inches of clearance
"Shit… fucking… damnit!"
>and the whole thing clatters to the floor
>"Oh, that's all right. I'll just take a little off."
>you can almost taste what seems to be disdain rolling off of this blue horse's tongue
>she takes ten pounds off of the bar
>and about fifty off of your sense of self-worth
>you get through deadlifts at this weight
>bent over rows go equally unimpressively
>your OHP is beyond pathetic
>"All right, Anon, we're almost done. You're not doing too bad here. This last one is pretty tough though."
>and there she is
>apart from your rig and various obscure imageboards, this beauty in front of you was the only thing you'd ever considered to be your friend
>the squat rack
>Dash misinterprets your longing gaze
>"Yeah, squats are pretty tough. I'll make this one easy on you."
>she sticks twenty pounds on the bar
>seeing your frustration, she winks and adds another ten
>"But not too easy!"
>that's just insulting
>even when you'd just started lifting you had sixty on that bar
>surely you can't be any worse than that now
>you slap an extra thirty onto it
>"Whoah there, buddy. That's a lot of weight. That's what I do!"
>fuck you cunt just you watch me squat this shit
>you step under the bar and take hold of it
>"Anon, I am talking to you! Don't take that bar!"
>it is too lake sergei
>it was always too late
>you come up
>and you go all the way down
>and you come all the way back up
>for the first time since you've met her, Rainbow Dash seems to regard you with some amount of respect
>"Anon…"
>she breaks into a sly smile
>"I didn't know you were holding back on me. You can do more than that too, can't you?"
>her tone is eerily similar to when she was encouraging you to drink at that fucking party
>but fuck yeah you can do more
>you change the weight yet again
>lmao1plaet
>it's not quite what you used to lift, but you'd really like if you could do this
>Dash is looking at you expectantly
>one
>another gym goer takes notice and wanders over
>two
>two more follow suit
>three
>a small group of cardiobunnies trots over to see all the hubbub
>four
>you're no longer focused on the growing crowd
>five
>your only feeling is the feeling of your glutes ascending to the heavens
>six
>YOU'VE STILL GOT SOME GAINS
>seven
>your left leg receives a sharp jolt
>and you come crashing down
>fortunately, the rack catches the weight
>but you get a faceful of floor all the same
>"Anon! Are you okay?"
"I'm… just… great."
>ignoring the fact that you're clearly doing less than great, Rainbow rushes you up to your feet and prances around
>the whole gym is excited
>">plz respond"
>"dat posterior chain"
>"TIME TO SCHLICK"
>"I'll take 2,2 go!"
>"It was so deep!"
>"My appres! Shamefur dispray!"
>your autism nearly makes you tell them that 90 really isn't all that much
>and then you remember that these are 3-4 foot tall quadrupeds
>and you shut up
>and you stop being a sperglord for one time in your life
>and you just bask in it
Anon Fucking Hate Apples tommorrow probably

>you stretch, causing the covers to fall off of your body
>Spike is asleep
>Twilight hasn't come by yet
>the sun is only just starting to peek out over the horizon
>it was during times like these, you reflect
>that you used to enjoy walking to the nearest woods and rambling about outside
>no parents reminding you of your abysmal social life
>no professors to frustrate you to insanity
>no coworkers or classmates to look at you funny
>no bosses to threaten your job
>no landlords threatening your home
>and no magic fucking pony princesses insisting that you need friends
>let's do it
>you silently get dressed for a hike as appropriately as your wardrobe allows
>and you stealthily move outside
>it's a little bit dark out yet
>and a cool, silent breeze flows past your skin
>perfect
>so you head out to the local forest
>what could possibly go wrong?
>your muscles still ache from the escapades of yesterday
>but it's not a bad pain
>like the mysterious battle scars you received from the party
>or the burning of hot rocks on your back
>…
>or rope burns on your neck
>the air is a little cooler in the forest, and the trees make it a bit dimmer
>the sound of various birds and bugs sounds through the air
>but these sounds do not disturb you
>in fact, they help you relax even more
>just you, the forest, and your thoughts
>you think of Pinkie Pie
>the energetic ball of life who got you into so much trouble
>you don't really think you'd very much enjoy spending a lot of time with her
>you think of Rarity
>a pony who enjoys the finer things in life, but doesn't much like the quiet
>you think you'd die of shame if you ever saw her again
>you think of Fluttershy
>you think you could simply sit quietly with her for hours on end, not a word needing to be spoken
>it's unfortunate the company she keeps
>and you think of Twilight Sparkle
>the one who, like it or not, saved your life
>the one who, supposedly, was once very much like you
>the one who tries to shield you from the quiet as though it were a deadly poison without being fully accustomed to the noise herself
>her good intentions can be a real bother sometimes
>you stop and realize that it's completely and totally quiet
>no birds sing, no bugs buzz
>that's interesting for a forest this size
>something snaps
>ohshitwhatwasthat
>out of the dark, quiet woods steps a monster
>like a wolf, but made of wood and with burning green eyes
>more green eyes peer out from the woods
>your internal nigger sounds off
>sheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit
>you once read that most predators won't chase you unless you run
>it's like a reflex or something
>unfortunately your brain is too fucked from seeing wood monsters to remember that right now
>and you take off sprinting before any of them get within ten feet of you
>fuckfuckfuckfuck
>you're running faster than you ever thought you possibly could
>but FUCK there's no way you can outrun these things
>so you get a stupid idea
>you reach down hoping to grab a rock or a stick or something
>you grab hold of a rock, but your feet lose their traction and you slip
>you scramble into a sitting upright position and throw a rock at the nearest wolf
>they pause long enough for you to stand up and grab more rocks
>time to die
>you throw another rock and the wolves run away like the pansies they are
>blood and iron, lmao
>wait, if you're safe then what's that roaring behind you?
>oh, it's nothing
>just a fucking scorpion-bat-lion motherfucker
>JUST
>you hastily throw your rocks at its face and run after the wolves
>by slipping between narrow spaces between the trees, you can slow it down a little bit
>but FUCK it's gonna get you if you don't find a hiding spot
>nothing good in sight
>the ground trembles in front of you as a massive four-headed dragon thing smashes its way toward you
>why the fuck do you even bother?
>you half hope the lion thing is gonna fight for its right to eat you
>but no, it's running away like a little bitch
>whatever
>you just stand there
"Fuck you, you fucking cunt."
>it fails to take offense
>just as one of its heads is about to snap you up, an axe smashes into its eye and distracts it
>you look to the left, certain that fucking yog sothoth is here just to make sure your day gets fucked up
>it's one of Twilight's friends, the orange one with the hat
>"Mr. Anon, this way now! Come on now get a move on there ain't much time!"
>oh fuck yes
>she leads you through a narrow winding path away from the shrieking monsters of the forest
>there is silence from both of you until you come upon the entrance to a great orchard of apple trees
>"Now just what in tarnation were ya doin' out in the middle of the Everfree Forest, Mr. Anon?"
>you're still looking around frantically to make sure no more abominations appear
>the orange pony sighs
>"Yer safe here, Mr. Anon. This is my farm. Welcome to Sweet Apple Acres."
Anon Fucking Hates Apples, pt 2 tomorrow probably

>you calm down your heartrate slows itself to about six million miles per hour
>and you get down to earth just enough to hear Applejack's reproaching question
>"Now just what in tarnation were ya doin in the Everfree Forest, Anon?"
"I-I, I was, I was taking a walk."
>"A walk? You mean like a stroll? A Sunday mornin stroll through the most dangerous neck o woods in all Equestria?"
>her eyes radiate a concentrated beam of doubt into your soul
"Well how was I supposed to know it would be full of horrible monsters?"
>Applejack considers this for a moment and her gaze softens a bit
>"Well, I guess you are new round these parts."
>smiling gently as though absolving you of a minor social blunder, she gestures with her head
>"Come on then, sugarcube. I was gonna take the day off too, after gettin some firewood. Course, now my axe is gone. Why don't you stay for breakfast?"
>she leisurely saunters toward the big red barn in the center of the property
"S-sure."
>and you follow alongside her, but slightly behind her center
>"So what do ya think o the good princess? She treatin ya well?"
>the chaos of the past week flashes past your consciousness in an instant
"Uh, yeah, I guess so."
>"That's good."
>she spies a big red pony by the little farmhouse
>"Hey, Big Mac! Tell Granny to whip up an extra plate. We got company."
>the big guy wordlessly and casually walks inside
>"Hoo-ey. Granny Smith's the best cook this side o Canterlot. You're gonna love her cookin, I promise."
>her green eyes quickly examine your form
>"An you look like you could use a good breakfast. Good golly, boy, have you been eatin right?"
>your depression-induced lack of appetite over the past year would have been the envy of most ascetic monks
"N-not really, I guess."
>you're just about at the simple screen door now
>Applejack nudges your side with a playful hoof
>"Aw-haw, well we'll see what we can do bout that! You'll be fuller n a bit box durin cider season!"
>the countryism is lost on you
>"Let's get in there, now, Anon. It'll get cold!"
>with an exaggerated trot, the horse who just saved your life goes inside and makes loud greetings to her kinsfolk
>oh dear
>there's nothing for it but to follow her inside
>instantly, a little yellow pony finds her way to your feet
>"Hi! Are you Mr. Anon? I'm Apple Bloom and I'm glad to meet ya! The whole town has been buzzin ever since Pinkie Pie's p-"
>"Apple Bloom! Give our guest some space!"
>"Just sit right there, sugarcube. Breakfast'll be out in a pinch."

>Applejack was right
>Granny Smith makes some bomb ass breakfast
>you honestly didn't realize how fast you were eating
>and your plate is empty
>"Shoot Anon. Y'all weren't kiddin about not eatin right. You must've been starvin!"
>the old green pony who must be Granny Smith interjects
>"A great big feller like that needs his vittles, darlin! You want some more apple fritters, Anonymous?"
"Uh, n-no thank you."
>you nervously glance out the window
"I should probably get going now."
>Applejack responds uproariously
>"Nonsense! You should stick around for a spell! We're gonna have a nice, relaxin Sunday and we want you to join us."
>they want you to join them?
"O-okay."
>you sure do hope they don't change their minds
>the family finishes eating and giving their best compliments to the cook
>then things move to the front porch
>there's three rocking chairs and a two-seat swing set up
>you take a seat on the swing, hoping that it wasn't anybody's chosen spot
>the adults all find their chairs
>and Apple Bloom jumps up next to you
>and it's quiet
>you nervously observe for a moment before realizing
>it's not a bad quiet
>usually when you're with company and it's quiet, it's because you're an awkward sperglord who doesn't know what to say
>but here, nothing needs to be said
>after a week of hard work, the ponies of a farming family have stuffed themselves
>they intend to sit in the pleasant, quiet company of each other until the slight ache in their stomachs goes away
>it takes you a few moments more to relax yourself
>when it happens, you notice it
>your muscles seem to slide into a more comfortable position under your skin
>your back sinks into the cushion behind you until it hits the resistance of the wooden frame
>your vision expands as the skin around your eyes and mouth simply revert to a natural state of non-use
>the sound of your own breath sounds in your ears as you allow yourself to exhale fully
>you didn't even notice what you felt like until it went away
>okay
>"Mr. Anon?"
>and it all comes rushing back
>it's Apple Bloom
>you look at her attentively, unsure what, if anything, you're supposed to say here
>"Do you have your cutie mark?"
>what
"My what?"
>"You know,"
>the underage horse enthusiastically shoves her butt in your face
>"your cutie mark!"
>she seems to be proudly displaying the picture on it
>it's a tricolor shield with an apple in the center
>"It's what shows your special talent! The one thing you can do that makes you unique."
>Applejack chuckles
>"Heh, this little'un just got hers, and she's prounder'n a peach over it. It's a right special mark too."
"What is it?"
>"It means that I can help you understand what your cutie mark means and who you're supposed to be! I spent so long searchin for my own special talent that I guess searchin for special talents became my special talent!"
>that's a hell of a talent
cont'd

>Applejack introduces more examples to you, gesturing to her own impressive hips
>"These here apples mean that I'm supposed to be an apple farmer, and Big Mac's got the same talent. Granny Smith, as you surely already know, is the greatest apple chef in all Equestria."
>you look and see that the mentioned ponies have butt stamps coinciding with Applejack's claims
>Apple Bloom turns to you
>"So what's your special talent? Oh wait, don't tell me! I wanna see, I wanna see your mark!"
>she starts frantically pawing at your wasteband in an attempt to see the alleged goods within
>you freeze the fuck up
>"Apple Bloom! Ya can't go round disrobin folks! Anon's not like us; he probably doesn't have one. Do ya?"
"N-no."
>Apple Bloom looks disappointed
>"Oh."
>"Well you can still have a special talent, right? What is it?"
>special talent?
>the child's question prompts some serious thought on your part
>you spent your childhood shirking off homework and avoiding people
>you've spent your adult life flitting from activity to activity depending on what your interest of the week was
>hiking, cooking, lifting, gardening, drawing, writing, programming, even philosophical thought, to name just a few
>you sometimes even came back to some of them every few months or so
>but you never really stuck with anything long enough to get good at anything
>just long enough to know how to shitpost about it
>but a single special talent?
>you certainly didn't lack any of the physical traits necessary to get one
>you weren't short, ugly, prone to obesity, or unintelligent
>you just
>never did anything
>Apple Bloom gets tired of waiting for your train of thought to come to a stop
>"What's yer special talent, Anon? What are ya good at?"
>her massive, glimmering eyes meet your tiny, darting ones
>the silence is oppressive once again
"U-uh, let me get back to you on that."
>and you get up
>and you leave
>and you can almost feel the awkward tension radiating from the porch into the back of your head until you're out of sight
>what the fuck are you good at?
Anon Fucking Hates Friendship tomorrow probably

>you feel it from the second you woke up
>today will be a terrible day
>you don't know how you know, as things are still quiet
>perhaps it's the sticky sensation of the accumulated misadventures of the past week lurching around in your soul
>perhaps it's some feeling of hopelessness at your inability to answer the question of yesterday
>perhaps it's the fact that you went all day yesterday without speaking to Twilight once, and had gone the past two days without speaking to her outside of breakfast
>perhaps it's some underdeveloped precognisant sense of the human brain attempting to warn you of the trials to come today
>it's five in the morning
>you're lying awake in bed
>you don't know why, but you know that today will be hell
>and then it hits you
>specifically, the sound of shouting poinies hits you
>"C'mon, it's going this way!"
>"This is Spike's room! It's Anon's room too!"
>"Maybe it won't go in."
>a floating purple star flies through the door
>shit fuckcuntering damnit fucking purple nigger jew kike wop sheeny bastards on a raft in shitfuck land
>you close your eyes and desperately try to pretend to be asleep
>the door crashes open and the sound of hooves thunders across the crystal tile
>a thud to your left and a nasally groan alerts you to the fact that Spike's slumber has been disturbed
>"Hey, what gives? It's five in the… whoah…"
>Rainbow Dash's voice explains Spike's evident wonder
>"It's circling over Anon's head."
>you continue your feigned sleep, knowing full well that you won't be left in peace any time soon
>"B-but why would it do that?"
>"Maybe it's a sign that Nonny is the Chosen One!"
>"Chosen what now, pardner?"
>"What would the map possibly choose Anon for, darling?"
>"Well, none of your cutie marks are signalling, only mine. Maybe the map wants me to take Anon."
>an awkward silence tells you that nobody likes the idea of you being chosen by some magical map any more than you do
>a hoof delivers a gentle yet firm shake to your shoulder
>"Anon? We need you to get up. This is important."
>you don't bother to fake waking up
>your eyes just open
>"Anon, get dressed and come downstairs. We're going somewhere today."
"Sure."
>the purple star zips out of the room
>"It's going this way!"
>"After it!"
>five ponies rush into the passageway
>Twilight stays behind and rubs your scalp for about ten seconds
>"Just meet us downstairs soon, Anon. Okay?"
"Okay"
>as Twilight leaves, you make a point to glance at her butt
>there's a purple star on it
>what could something like that even mean?
pt 2 tomorrow probably

>you get out of bed and head downstairs
>the six ponies are gathered around the table with the map
>in the same marked thrones where they sat during that awful breakfast
>their faces are deadly serious
>Twilight's cutie mark hovers over the Crystal Empire
>it seems to notice you and brighten up considerably
>Rainbow speaks up
>"Well, that settles it. Anon is supposed to go with you on this one."
>Twilight agrees
>"I can't really see any other interpretation to this. Anon has to be the one to come with me on this quest."
>she looks to you
>"I think I can kind of see why. Anon, you've made progress over the past week. I understand that you've opened up considerably more than I expected you would this early on."
>"I know it must not feel like it, but a lot of ponies around town know who you are, Anon. They think you're great. Not only for the things you never meant to do at the party, but also from your amazing display of strength at the gym. You can't see it yet, but you're giving an aura, Anon. An aura that draws ponies in."
>"You're not ready to fully integrate into a friendship-based society, but you're getting there. And I certainly think you're ready to help me solve whatever friendship problem may arise in the Crystal Empire."
>there's a tightness in your throat
>there's a lead weight in your gut
>there's a wet heat in your eyes
>never in all your life
>have you ever heard
>such a nice-sounding pile of horseshit
>you don't believe a fucking word of it
>you're about to start feeling pissed when Rarity pipes up
>"Oh, Twilight. An excursion to the Crystal Empire could easily turn out to be dangerous! Anonymous is just so… delicate."
>Fluttershy adds her two cents
>"Oh, it's true! Anon is so sensitive! What if he can't take it?!"
>Rainbow Dash disagrees
>"Of course he can take it! Anon is strong!"
>Pinkie Pie also leaps to your defense
>"Yeah! Anon is a ka-razy party animal!"
>Applejack is the only one who doesn't voice an opinion
>she just stares at you
>the orange farm pony delivers a perfect poker face in your direction
>Twilight interrupts the debate
>"It doesn't matter. We have to trust the map's judgement. If it says I take Anon, then I'll take Anon. There's nothing else to be said for it, girls."
>"Twilight, please let us come with you then! Anon isn't prepared for whatever's coming!"
>"No, Fluttershy. If you were supposed to come, we would know. This is the end of the discussion."
>a tense silence fills the air
>all this bickering over some faggot like you
>you suppress a cynical giggle
"All right, let's go then!"
>you're so not ready for whatever this shit is
>you don't even know what the fuck it's supposed to be
>like it fucking matters
pt 3 tomorrow probably

>for a while the chugging of the train is all there is
>your mind is blank
>there is only rapid, repetitive, regular sound of the locomotive
>and the quickly sliding landscape, moving ever backward
>the way it's peppered with constantly changing distortion from little beads of rain gathering on a pane of glass
>but there's nothing in your mind
>at least, not until the thought of "I'm not thinking of anything at all" crosses your mind
>fuck shit no damnit why fuck you fucking thoughts go away
>the more frantically you try to suppress your brain's activity, the more words it produces
>shit fucking damnit
>now you have to think about it
>think about what exactly?
>you look around the train cabin
>you see Twilight Sparkle sitting next to you
>she's clearly just as "deep in thought" as you were a minute ago
>Twilight's as good a place as any to start internally griping from
>you're sitting next to a magic unicorn princess with wings in a train on your way to a crystal city that calls itself an empire
>you are sitting next to a literal princess like you just don't give a shit
>and she is a talking horse
>this is all so fucking wierd
>you remember now that, when you were in high school, you had to read Gulliver's Travels
>most people didn't really get it past Lilliput
>but the part that had gotten to you the most was the last part
>with the Houyhnhnms
>essentially, a utopic nation of talking horses
>no stealing, no violence, no dishonesty
>they just couldn't comprehend these concepts
"Twilight?"
>it takes her a moment to realize she's been addressed
>she briefly mumbles something and looking around until her eyes settle on you
>"Yes, Anon?"
"Have you ever heard of 'lying'?"
>she gives you a look
>"Lying?"
"You know, saying that which is not."
>"No, I-I know what lying is, but… why would you ask me that?"
>well, Mr. Swift
>your vision was a little off
"No reason."
>"Do you wanna talk or something?"
"Sure."
>fuck
>you answered before you could think about it
>now comes the brief, awkward period where you stare at Twilight
>and she stares at you
>and you try to think of something to talk about
>fortunately, you're saved by the whistle of the train
>and a stallion with olympian ivory sideburns trots through the cabin
>"We have reached the Crystal Empire. All ashore who's goin' ashore."
>"We can talk in a little bit, Anon. Let's go. I didn't send word that I was coming, so hopefully Princess Cadance doesn't hold us up."
pt 4 tomorrow
probably

>Twilight slips into a raincoat before getting off the train
>"To hide the wings."
>and you're off
>"Okay"
>she pulls out a map of the city
>"Now, we should start searching for the problem right away. There's no way of telling just how serious this could be."
>okay
>so you walk off in a direction that catches your fancy
>Twilight notices after a moment and runs to catch up with you
>"Anon! Anon! Wait up! We can't just split up like this, you don't know your way around the Crystal Empire!"
"Neither do you."
>"I've got the map."
"Has a map of the area ever actually helped you find one of these problems before?"
>"W-well, it's never a bad idea to have a map!"
"How are we supposed to figure out what's going on anyway?"
>"In the past we've always just sort of stumbled across the problem."
"So let's go stumble around the city."
>"It's an Empire, Anon."
>what kind of shitty empire is a tiny piece of territory within a kingdom?
>whatever
>you're still walking in the direction you started off on, friendship horse princess in tow
>it's terribly striking just how comfortable you've grown with her
>"So…"
>you look at her
>"What was that about lying earlier?"
"Just some book I read when I was a kid."
>"A book? What are the books like where you're from? What sort of book was this?"
"It was a satire written against human society a long time ago. It was about a sailor who kept getting stranded in fantastical civilizations."
>she seems to have a general idea of where you're going with this
"In his final adventure, he comes to a perfect nation ruled by talking horses. There's no lying, no stealing, no violence, no crime. The only trouble is a vicious animal that looks and acts like a human being, but lacks human intelligence. The sailor loves living here, but in the end, he's…"
>Anon's not like us
>"…just not like they are, so they have to banish him forever. He goes home and loses his mind, now fully aware that he'll always be stuck with a highly flawed society, a highly flawed body of peers, and a highly flawed self."
>Twilight doesn't respond right away
>"Wow. You've never opened up like that before, Anon."
"I guess."
>"Do you really think Equestria is like this place you described? You know, we do have lying and stealing and crime and whatnot."
>you look around, seeing nothing but happy, smiling, brilliantly shining ponies radiating warmth and familiarity in all directions
>you feel that in a big city like this back on Earth, you'd have good cause to be afraid
"Maybe so, but not to the extent that we had it. And you ponies have other desirable traits that human society lacks."
>"Like what?"
"Like, what you did for me. Most humans would have just said something insincere about how horrible it was that some young fellow would off himself like that and move along with their lives. Nobody would have really cared."
cont'd

"And all my life I've been like this. Alone. The others all just… knew that I wasn't like them somehow, and they stayed as far away as possible. All of my deepest interactions with others haven't involved anything more intimate that shooting bullshit with someone who was forced to be around me daily for work or school reasons. Nobody would ever try to to reach out to me, least of all someone important like you."
>Twilight abruptly stops walking, forcing you to halt in your tracks and turn to face her
>"Nobody? Nobody at all? Not even your family? Anon, up until a few years ago I'd spent my whole life avoiding getting close to others, but I always had my family to turn to when I needed support."
>your family
>there's a shitfest you've given no thought to in a long time
>if Twilight was ever anything like you she'll answer this question the way you think she will
"How often did you turn to them after moving out?"
>"N-not very often."
>"But Spike was always around! And I kept in constant correspondance with Princess Celestia! It's something, Anon! You had somebody!"
>you think hard for a moment, prompted by the unexpected display of passion
>your family again comes to mind, but you rapidly banish the thought from your brain
>you had a few friends when you were little, but early on you started developing in a radically different direction from the way they went
>when high school started some folks briefly tried to recruit you into their social circles
>but those circles were just too loud, too bright, and too hot for you
>after a couple weeks you - almost involuntarily - would actively avoid them, and they always stopped talking to you after that
>college was much of the same
>by the time you got your first job it was too late for you
>by this point you'd stopped giving a shit, you crafted an entertaining mask and displayed it whenever your coworkers tried to see you
>they appreciated you to some extent at work, but not one of them really viewed you as an equal
>water cooler bullshit or not, they still knew that you weren't like them
>at least, that's the impression you got
>and after you quit that hellhole, you went NEET and lost all contact with everyone you'd ever known
>and now you're here
"None that I can think of, Twilight."
>you've practiced this conversation a billion times
>but never, in all the years since you first conceived it, did you ever dare to speak it aloud
>it's left you feeling squishy, cold, and vulnerable
>"Anon, I-"
>she's interrupted by a mighty roar of displeasure
>you both look across the street to see a gray and black stallion being goaded along down the sidewalk by an elderly, onyx crystal pony
>he doesn't have a cutie mark
>you want to label him a pathetic autist, but all you can do right now is feel
>Twilight, on the other hand, is petrified at the sight
End Act I, How Anon Learned to Stop Being an Autist and Love the Horses
Act II, The Time is Coming When Betas Will Decide the Fate of Us All, tomorrow probably

>the grey stallion shouts at his elderly companion
>"I DEMAND THE TENDIES THAT ARE RIGHTFULLY MINE"
>the old mare tut-tuts in reply
>"Now Sombra, darling. You know that crystal tenders are ten good boy points, not five."
>"LIAR LIAR PANTS ON FIRE CRYSTAL TENDIES IS WHAT I DESIRE"
>"Sombra, sweetheart, you're making a scene. Let's get back home and I'll make you some haygel bites."
>grumbling about grave insults and scowling, Sombra lowers his head and follows his mother quietly
>goodness fucking gracious
>that poor, poor mother
>Twilight shoves you with her hoof
>"Anon, get behind me!"
"Wh-why?"
>"Do it!"
>without checking to see if you obeyed her order, the princess of friendship stretches her wings, tearing the flimsy raincoat from her body
>her horn glows an increasingly brilliant purple
>"King Sombra! You are not welcome in this land!"
>holy fucking niggers
>she's going to murder that autistic pony
>you should do something about this
>"T-Twilight! Is that you?"
>seemingly out of nowhere, a pink princess pony puts her hoof on Twilight's shoulder with a nervous smile
>"Cadance, what are you doing? That's King Sombra!"
>"Y-yeah, that's him all right. He's been back for a couple weeks now."
>"A couple weeks? How come there hasn't been any news about this?"
>Cadance looks between Twilight and Sombra a few times
>"He's… not really doing anything newsworthy is he?"
>Twilight looks between Cadance and Sombra a few times
>he's just standing there scowling
>her horn stops glowing
>"I-I guess not."
>"Well, why don't you and your friend here come visit for dinner in the castle? I'll explain everything there."
>Cadance calls out across the street
>"Oh, Bismuth, would you and your son care to join me and Princess Twilight for dinner?"
>"Why, that would be lovely! Sombra, come along now. We're going to eat with the princesses."
>all of Sombra's rage dissipates and he timidly shuffles behind his mother across the street toward you
>Twilight looks to you, evidently distressed
>"Is this what the map sent us here for? What's going on?"
>you shrug, grunt, and follow the group toward a crystal castle that's arguably uglier than the one you've been living in for the past week

>you don't know how the fuck this happened
>this is the second royal banquet hall in which you've sat down to a meal
>you feel fancy as hell
>you're pulled out of this thought when you hear someone reference you
>"Hey, Twily! You didn't say you were coming over. Who's your friend?"
>"Oh, um, Anon? He's just, uh, you know."
>the stocky, blue-haired chad pony apparently doesn't know
>he stares at Twilight to get her to make him know until it becomes apparent that she's unwilling to elaborate any further
>thanks for the glowing introduction, you purple bastard
>"Okay then. Well, Anon, I'm Shining Armor. Twilight's brother. It's nice to meet you."
>you intended to say something that didn't sound severely socially retarded
"Y-you too."
>but it just didn't come out that way
>fortunately, the important folks have much more important things to discuss as dinner is brought out on platters
>oh boy, various grasses and flowers
>de-fucking-licious
>Twilight is anxious to get down to business right away
>"So Cadance, care to explain why he's here?"
>in obvious reference to Sombra
>"He showed up a couple of weeks ago. We were going to banish him to the frozen wastes, but his mother pleaded with us to let him stay. He doesn't seem to have his dark powers anymore, so we put him on a sort of probation."
>"Cadance, that stallion is a war-criminal and a despot! Dark powers or not, he's too dangerous to just be let loose on the Crystal Empire."
>Sombra's mother butts in
>"He's a good boy! He's just always had a hard time ever since his father and I broke up. Conquering the Crystal Empire was just a cry for help!"
>she's talking about a grown ass adult like he's a little boy
>Sombra himself doesn't seem to care about the apparent slight, busying himself with the arrangement of the blue flower petals on his plate
>Cadance puts out another case for Sombra
>"Twilight, don't be so quick to judge Sombra. It's my understanding that you're good friends with at least one war criminal and attempted despot yourself."
>"W-well, Discord is more Fluttershy's friend than mine…"
>fucking Discord
>what kind of cuck nation lets multiple would-be-tyrants walk around free within its borders?
>aw shit they're bringing out the deserts now
>it looks like something you can digest this time
>brownies next to hot coacoa
>awww yeeee
>the princesses continue their discussion, ignoring the bountiful cache laid out on the table
>only you and Sombra grab some
>unfortunately, your hand finds its way onto one brownie that Sombra has already magic'd
>"REEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE"
>you don't fucking know how this happened
>you're under heavy fire from brownie projectiles
>general quarters, general quarters, all hands man your battle stations
>warning status: red
>you're normally too much of a beta pushover to get mad
>but this is too fucking much
>you attempt to beat the shit out of the little shit
>perhaps fortunately for you, you find yourself whisked away to another room in a bright flash of purple
>Twilight is glaring daggers at you
>"ANON"
>time to get bitched at, son
What I Learned in Friendship School tomorrow probably