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A legend - born and raised in Santa Cruz. I once fought and killed a Great White with dental floss - it fed the homeless for five months, I'm into helping others and stuff like that. If you don't like to help others your not worth talking to.

 

I live in San Francisco now - the weather is fantastic - I often sun bathe in pants, multiple shirts and a hoodie. Hipsters are my arch nemesis and Optimistic Oscar is my favorite homeless guy.

 

Chivalry is not dead with me (yet). I once had a white stallion, Wilbert but he was lost in the move to San Francisco - if you find him, tell me - I miss him terribly. I would take long romantic walks on the beach if San Francisco had a beach worth walking on. There is nothing worse than a boring date - if you take me out it better be exciting. Movie dates are not exciting - robbing a bank or ice cream is exciting. Robbing a bank while eating ice cream is too exciting - you would spill the ice cream everywhere.

 

I once beat Chuck Norris at arm wrestling just by staring at him - he's never been the same since. Bobby Flay challenged me to a throwdown and was crushed, he cried for four days afterwards. When I dunk, the backboard splinters into little pieces - even if it is made of metal. I sing like an angel but play guitar like a demon. I radiate awesomeness but if I was slightly more awesome I could do backflips on a wakeboard.

 

Clubs full of fake girls and wanna be playas and pimps ain't my scene but redwood forests, the ocean and mountains are beautiful. Cougars like to hit on me because I have fantastic hair - it reminds them of a better version of David Hasselhoff and MacGyver - I still have not completely figured out how to avoid them.

 

In short I am the most serious man to have ever walked this planet.