So get this okay
I wake up
it’s my fucking 11th birthday this shit is a big deal, that’s two ones.
you know, I go down stairs, and my bitch mom is in the kitchen baking me a fucking cake and she’s like “happy birthday sweetie!” and I’m ready to tell her to fuck off, but then she starts up with, “I’ve got a surprise for you”

and I’m thinking, it better be the ps4 I asked for with the new skylander set. Before I can tell her that, though, the door opens and a man walks in. Now, I got no clue who this guy is so I’m thinking my mom got herself a new boyfriend.

He kneels down to my level, pats me on the head and I’m ready to deck that motherfucker and show him who the real boss is around here before he says, “Happy birthday son!”

Happy. Birthday. Son. But how? My dad’s supposed to be in prison for another five years, I’m thinking! I’m too stunned to speak, it’s not that I’m shy or anything I’m like the toughest guy at school and I have like six girlfriends and another ten girls who all want to make sex at me.

So I’m no pussy, but I’m stuttering because I’m so surprised. “A-a-are you my real dad?”

And he nods, pets my head like I’m a dog or something. It was weird, my eyes started sweating. I gotta remind you i’m no pussy so I totally wasn’t crying.