return {
  abed = {'You are a foreigner, not able to comprehend anyone or anything, even something as undemanding as time.'},
  troy = {'You are a cotton-picking jock boy who is impossibly far from being a grown-up.'},
  shirley = {'You are a minority, a fragile personality, and an all-around dreadful parental figure.'},
  annie = {'You are a dirty Jewess, whose only friend in high school was a bottle of pills.'},
  pierce = {'You are one of the biggest disappointments to the name of Hawkthorne and will never be accepted in our family.'},
  britta = {'You are a false-protesting Swedish dog, formed by generations of race-mixing with laplanders. Youre basically a finn.',
  jeff = {'You are an unseasonably tan egotist who comes from a broken family with a father who does not love or care for you.'},
  gilbert = {'You are the bastard offspring of a colored seductress and an unknown, weak-willed miscegenist.'},
  dean = {'You are a pansexual imp, with an abundance of impulses and fetishes that no one can possibly understand.'},
  chang = {'You are a rice-eating vagrant, psychotic teacher, lone wolf, murderous security guard, and a forgetful plotting lunatic.'},
  guzman = {'You are one of the worst actors alive, tainting Boogie Nights with your disgraceful southern structure.'},
  fateil = {'You are a dungeon-loving nerd who cant help eating everything in sight, basting your chubby cheeks in tears of gravy as you try to keep hold of that miserable thing you call "your life".'}
  buddy = {'You are an insecure wreck who panders to popular individuals when they come into your radar.'},
  vicedean = {'You are an overweight man who cant get a grip on his life, let alone his school, and cant tell a difference between a right-hand man and a murderer.'},
  Leonard = {' You are a war veteran, unable to recover from your memories, instead hiding them by playing your money away and drowning your sorrows in hip flasks of whisky.'},
  vaughan = {'You are a miniscule-nippled wannabe-rebel who asks the sky for help and sings about meaningless feelings that Im surprised even YOU care about.'},
  duncan = {'You are a British slob, sticking your rod in anything that remotely resembles a woman, and cant teach a single class without a drink.'},
  kevin = {'You are nothing but a figment of a psychos imagination, leading a fake double life that will still never accomplish anything except be a puppet of a coloured power-hungry miscreant.'},
  rich = {'You are a flawed pretty boy who thinks that by being as successful as can be he might be able to win back the heart of a mother who never loved him in the first place.'},
    garrett = {'You are a weak-willed individual who will never amount to anything except the most accidents in a single day.'},
    vicki = {'You are a cookie-cutter who has no other distinguishing features than the thick slabs of fat you call legs.'},
  misc = {},
}