Do you ever watch Spongebob Squarepants? I used to, back in the day. I feel the show really declined in later seasons, and the very idea that a thirty year old man is watching a cartoon about a talking sponge is many kinds of pathetic, but I won’t get into that. What many individuals who watch the show don’t know is that Spongebob’s original pitch by show creator and marine biologist Steven Hillenburg was a little bit more…adult. I only acquired the tape via a friend who only communicates through email named ASTERISK (all caps) I’ve never seen his face, so I don’t know who he is, but the tape he sent me is legit. It’s kind of creepy, to be honest. It’s a VHS, which stands for Video Harboring Systems, a complex computer term. I popped the tape in, and…
Dicks in my ass the tape wouldn’t play. I had to throw out my goddamn VHS player and get a new one. After going through painstaking process of uncoiling the stiff coke cables, I popped “Spongehole Vacantpants” into my VHS player. The VHS was pretty scary as well, spongebob looked like he was clawing his eyes out.
Now I thought fire couldn’t exist underwater, but the episode starts with Spongebob dancing around with a coathanger in a smoldering Bikini bottom. He’s smiling a little too much, it’s slightly disturbing. He dances around does some weird kneecap bending trick where he elongates his spine and slips into the coral. He slides down the coral like a staircase shaped electric eel before his bloodshot eyes pop incessantly. He chitters his teeth and starts to sing. “D is for drains that are clogged up with human hair, I Is for illness sufferer (me), C is for clams that live in casinos and K is for please kill me!
All of a sudden the tape made an exploding noise and grew grainier. I couldn’t tell what I was looking at, it looked like an animated drawing of George Costanza ordering Clams casino. “KILL ME!” Spongebob screamed.  “FOR THE LOVE OF FUCKING GOD, KILL ME!” His eyes  became bloodshot and melted as his spongeskeletal bonepants grew morbidly visible underneath the fabric-like frame of his sponge. Tinier bones were in his stomach. A shot of some bloody sponge and bacteria covered lobster dragging its nauseated corpse across the seafloor was shown.
The camera cut to Spongebob screaming bloody murder as he woke up. “Dicks in my ass I had that dream again Gary.” Gary was his pet snail, but here it looked like some weird dutch shoe eating from a bowl by his bed. Fuck this shit. I don’t even like spongebob why the fuck was I even watching this. Spongebob gets up and goes over to the mirror naked. It’s kind of gross to see his pimply yellow as fully rendered with high artistic vigor.
When he goes to the mirror, he looks fatter. Significantly fatter, in fact. Just around the belly though, the rest of the body is normal. He pats his spongebelly and dials the doctor. You don’t hear the conversation, but you see some nasty slimy fluid around his legs as he talks, as though he’s got disentary and just pissed all over himself. This is fucking disgusting I can’t believe they’d let children watch this.
Spongebob is pretty gross anyway. According to my friend, ‘Bikini bottom’ represents a woman’s lower bikini portion. Spongebob is a contraceptive vaginal sponge who lives in a pineapple (vagina what?), mr. krabs is an STD (Crabs), sandy cheeks represents sand covered buttcheeks and Patrick Star represents, well, if you’re a fan of Limp Bizkit you can figure that one out.
Spongebob strolls outside, dragging his stomach behind him as his tiny pencil legs crack and snap due to the intense weight. He passes by Patrick’s rock and knocks. Weirdly enough, you can see a silhouette of Squidward hanging in the background by the neck in the window. Patrick looks really confused. His eyes are bloodshot. Visible burn marks are on Spongebob’s body. “Aren’t you supposed to be in the hospital?” Patrick said, shitting all over himself. “I don’t know, I don’t remember.” “Remember.” Patrick said. “REMEMBER!” He screamed and the screen zoomed deep into Spongebob’s eyes as buckets and buckets of fish guts combined with dead human organs and dead babies flew around the screen.
It was just a normal day at the Krusty Krab. Mr. Krabs walked out and looked really disheveled. His eyes were bloodshot, his claws looked like real lobster claws, and his French fry shaped nose looked more like a pubic hair with sexually transmitted diseases. Bacterial particles floated around his body as he gritted his teeth, revealing nauseating plaque and a sizzly looking tongue which made him look like a murderer. I had a feeling that something was off about Mr. Krabs, as he put his hands in Spongebob’s pants pocket.
“Mr. Krabs, please don’t violate my body in this manner I don’t feel like it’s workplace appropriate.” Spongebob dances into the kitchen and begins to cook some krabby patties. Mr. Krabs is shown in the frame, slowly slithering in, stalking Spongebob as Spongebob makes his patties. “You’ve been making it all wrong my boy.” “All wrong?” Spongebob says. “Yes, that’s not the secret recipe for krabby patties. It’s missing one ingredient. Let me tell you what it is.” Mr. Krabs smiled wide and the camera zoomed into Mr. Krabs whispering into spongebob’s ear while his eyes grew wide. “OH MY GOD!” Spongebob screamed. The camera cut to a long zoom shot of the Krusty Krab while you heard the loud thumping of boots, screaming and the sound of someone punching a dolphin in the vagina.
“I’LL CLAM YOUR CHOWDER!” Mr. Krabs screamed. “BALLFUCKING FUCKMUFFINS TAKE MY FUCKING CHUM!” he screamed really loudly, and it began to hurt my ears, forcing me to reduce the volume. I had to get up to reduce the volume because vintage televisions such as mine only use dials. As I approached the tv I heard Mr. Krabs yell “REDUCE THAT VOLUME AND I’LL REDUCE YOUR DICK!” but I knew he wasn’t talking to me, that would just be weird.
There was just a shot of spongebob laying on the floor, bleeding, covered in sesame seeds and mayonnaise. The silhouette of Mr. Krabs snickering away violently in the background was somewhat disturbing. “Someone will find out.” Spongebob said. He went over to the door but it was locked. The fryer had been turned onto the highest heat, and fry grease began to burn up the background. The entire room became engulfed in flames while Spongebob screamed bloody murder. You see his entire fleshy body meld down like silly putty as blood, guts and internal organs render him to almost nothing.
The camera zoomed back out, out of spongebob’s eye back to the scene with Patrick. “I…remember.” Spongebob said. A salty tear dripped down his eye. “But this is a memory as well.” The camera zoomed out again and showed spongebob laying in a hospital bed, bound and crippled, burned. He’s no longer fat around the center. He gazes out the window at some trout sucking each other’s dicks. “I used to be…” Spongebob began. “There’s something you should know about me.” He’s talking to a figure offscreen. “I’m known as a…herma- herm“ “A hermit crab?” A voice whispers. “Hermaphrodite!” Spongebob screamed. “It means I have both a penis and a vagina. If you’ve ever had a turducken, I basically have a turducken for genitalia, with the vagina underneath the penis.” “That’s-“ “But that’s not the worst part. When Mr. Krabs-“ There was no sound as spongebob stared out, on his deathbed. “There was supposed to be something else.” Spongebob said. I guess that was why Spongebob had that paunch in his belly. He wasn’t fat, he was pregnant. “The child…was stillborn.” Spongebob said. “That means that it never was alive. My dead fetus baby is probably laying belly up in a red lobster somewhere right now, being picked away at by brutal lobsters with nuclear lobster claws.” He paused. “I just- I just want to know.” Spongebob lay there, staring out the window for fifteen minutes. I now realized there was a loaded gun on his chest. There were no words or anything. He just slowly lost movement until he completely receded. I heard the weird sound of snipping, and the tape cut off completely. Cold. Blank. Nothing at all.
All of a sudden, there was a knock at my door. I looked through the peephole to see an alien, a skeleton and 80’s star of Who’s the Boss? Tony Danza staring out at me angrily. Well, it was Halloween, so I assumed they were trick or treaters, even though the skeleton’s bones were transparent and I could see my Honda Civic through them to the other side, and also the alien flesh was highly realistic and looked wet with perspiration the likes of which no Halloween costume I’ve ever seen would be. I grudgingly opened the door, taking out some full-sized candy bars, and by that I mean my dick because I don’t give no fucking candy to solicitors even if they are children.
As I opened the door, the three of them just stared angrily. The skeleton spoke, his jaw moving and revealing there was nothing underneath, meaning that the person in the costume must have been very thin and skeleton shaped. “Where’s our goddamn tape!” The skeleton yelled, though it sounded more like “Where Our ot am ate” because the skeleton had no tongue or mouth muscles. “Tape?” I said. I walked over to the kitchen and opened the drawer where I keep my pens, hammer and tape. I handed the skeleton some scotch tape and it smiled. “Thank you!” It tipped an invisible hat and strolled on down the block before stopping . “HEY WAIT A MINUTE!” It gave me just enough time to produce a loaded gun I kept in the gun drawer next to the Freezepops and mountain dew. Tony Danza was sitting on my couch eating peanuts. I don’t think it was a Halloween mask, I just think tony danza had really bad skin that made him look like a Halloween mask. “You- you don’t know how to end this do you?” Tony Danza said, munching on my festive Halloween mixed nuts. The alien chittered, and started eating my silverware. I pointed the loaded gun at Tony Danza’s head. “WHO’S THE BOSS NOW?!” I yelled. “WHO’S THE FUCKING BOSS NOW!?!?!?!!?” I shot and killed Tony Danza, though nobody at the party seemed to care.
There was another knock at the door. This time it was a man dressed as Mr. Krabs. Weird. He had hot red skin and looked like Wario on acid. The lobster claws looked highly realistic. I felt really weird all of a sudden, as though someone running through the park naked on acid must feel. “I’m sorry I’m late to the Halloween party.” Mr. Krabs smiled. “I’m sorry son, I’m sorry. I’ll make it up to you me boy, I’ll take you to a Halloween party-“ Son? “You’re not my father.” I stated. All of a sudden I felt really nauseous. I think those mixed nuts may have been laced with poisonous carcinogens. I fell down on my side, limp, as though I was going to puke. I looked down at my skin as it slipped off, revealing sponge like tissue and meaty lobster claws. Mr. Krabs kicked me in the side, giggling, took all of the money out of my wallet and stole the VHS tape out of the player, smashing it to a hundred tiny pieces, not unlike my hopes and dreams. “HAPPY HALLOWEEN, FUCKFACE!” He yelled. There was something evil about that tape. Maybe it didn’t  happen. Maybe I really am just the stillborn product of a contraceptive vaginal sponge slash crustacean rape relationship somehow existing in the non cartoon world despite the fact that both of my parents are human. Maybe I really did shoot Tony Danza in the head. Maybe a skeleton really did dance in my living room to the Fresh Prince of Bel Aire theme. Or maybe, just maybe, all of life is a dream. All of a sudden my front door entered again. The entire cast of Seinfeld, Mrs. Frizzle from the Magic Schoolbus and her students, Barney the dinosaur, Bob Saget (Who was with a professional wrestler as a gay love partner) the cast of Friends, George Jetson, Big bird, Al Borland, Al Bundy, Tim the Toolman fucking Taylor, Charlie Brown, Bill Cosby, the cast of Rugrats, Jim Davis, Gargamel from the Smurfs, former president Jimmy Carter, Fred Rogers, Fred and Velma with Scooby Doo, the cat in the hat, Pee Wee Herman, 9/11 if it was a man, Alfonz Ribeiro who played Cartlon on the fresh prince, Steve from Blues Clues, Steve Urkel, and yes, Droopy Fucking dog were all standing by my hospital bed. “You bumped your head, uncle Phil.” Alfonz said. I sat up and rested my head on Bob Saget’s shoulder. Tony Danza walked out with a massive bullet hole in his head. “I’m ok!” he said. “It was just a dream, Michelle.” Bob Saget said. “But now you’re back with us, together, forever.” They all stared at me, smiling. “Forever.” They repeated in unison. Al Borland walked up to me, with crumbs in his beard. “Happy Halloween.” He whispered. And then, everyone turned into a skeleton. This Halloween, don’t take any candy from strangers. That man dressed as a ghost could really be a ghost. That Tony Danza with a gunshot wound could really be tony danza with a gunshot wound. Any barney, George jetson or George Costanza costumes are just that. They’re not costumes at all. Take off your skin and  reveal what you truly are inside. A skeleton.