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The Blind Diaries

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Jun 28th, 2013
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  1. The Blind Diaries
  2.  
  3. June 22 -
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  5. Alright Doc, I know you said I should write everyday on this diary, but just didn’t think this was worth my time. Today however I woke up and thought: “Why the hell not? It couldn’t hurt.”
  6. So here you go, i’m starting what I’d like to call “The Blind Diaries”. Not bad huh? I know, my originality is off the charts here.
  7. Anyway, I don’t know what exactly is the purpose of me writing my experiences down; I guess you’ll show it to some shrink so as to know if i’m depressed? Just so you know i’m taking this whole issue pretty good so far.
  8.  
  9. So... if i’m gonna do this I guess I should start by saying how the hell is that I’m typing this on a computer. Or even better, explaining how I became blind in the first place.
  10. On the second day of March I was walking to my local flower shop (My girlfriend Chrissy and I love flowers, our house is full of them) to buy a new variety of sunflowers, apparently brought from Spain. I never got to see them though. I remember walking down the street, sweating like a pig because of the heat, when suddenly my sight started blurring and going dim. I cannot stress enough the chaos and desperation that started taking place in my head as I realised I was going blind. I tried to tell myself everything was going to be alright; it was probably nothing more than some kind of dehydration problem due to the heat; maybe I even just had my eyes closed.
  11. Of course being in the utmost chaotic state as I was, I couldn’t stay calm even if those reasons would have been valid, so I did what anyone would have done: I started screaming and flailing my arms, trying to imprint the feeling of terror and need of an ambulance that invaded me to the horrified viewers of the scene.
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  13. I don’t really want to talk much more about this part. It was hell from that point onwards up to when the doctor told me about the severe disease I had. I don’t remember the name, except there’s not cure of course; how could I forget that? It just... bam! There you go, blind. No symptoms, no treatment, no nothing. Now you’re okay, now you’re not. Fuck you.
  14.  
  15. But as I said, those days are not worth talking about. Just thinking about explaining to Chrissy I was blind forever... Fuck.
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  17. Anyway... fast forward 3 months and here I am. I lost my job in a programming company even though as you can see I can type perfectly well; though I understand the perks of having employees who can actually see what they type. Whatever, i’m under a government pension now, and it’s not that bad.
  18. I mean the money is not that bad, because my life is torn to pieces now.
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  20. So how am I typing you ask? Well, see those little bumps on the letters “F” and “J” on your keyboard? That’s right! They let me know the relative position of all keys; and as my hands are used to typing really fast without looking, this is pretty easy... kinda. I let my machine read out loud what I just typed so I know there are no grammatical errors.
  21.  
  22. Well, enough for today I guess. On the next chapter of “The Blind Diaries” I’ll tell you all about how I learned to walk alone on the streets and some other stuff I haven’t thought yet. Till then.
  23.  
  24. June 24 -
  25.  
  26. So today I went to the park.
  27. I’m not going to bore you with the details every blind person must give: “I’m blind, but the sounds are my way of seeing” and such. You see, I have indeed learned to appreciate my surroundings; I have started to meditate and I can tell my sense of hearing and smell have become much more acute. But I want to tell you about my trip to the park because I knew something was going to happen today: It was going to rain. I had heard it in the news, and I knew it was an opportunity.
  28. Okay now, let’s back up. How did I get to the park all on my own? Well, this particular park is about 10 blocks away from my house, and to get to it you have to get past a school, a fountain, and as you may have guessed, 10 streets with no traffic lights.
  29. The path is completely straight with no turns, and I know it by heart as I went to that park since I was a kid.
  30. Now the first 2 blocks are easy, I just go bumpy-bumpy with my cane (Did I tell you I have a cane? Well, I have one. I’m blind, remember?) trying to avoid anything in my way. Simple enough.
  31. Now, these first two streets are always empty, so I just hear if a car is coming or not and then make my way slowly to the other side. Next couple ones are a bit harder as there are always cars coming and going. Sometimes a kind stranger would offer himself to help me cross, sometimes I would wait until the oncoming cars noticed the blind guy on the street and stop just to let me pass. When I don’t feel very patient, I very slowly start crossing despite the horns and insults, trying to raise my cane to show that i’m blind. It’s funny to hear people about to insult you for being careless by crossing, and then stop mid-word because you can’t see. Somehow they feel it’s wrong to do so even when I was indeed being a dick. Oh well, better for me.
  32. Anyway, I then reach the fountain and sit there for a while. I fucking love that fountain. I swear the splashing is music for my ears. This didn’t happen when I could see however, and I wonder what more wonders have I got to discover now that my sight isn’t there to distract me.
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  34. 8th block, and I get to the school. Those fucking kids. They don’t give a shit about you being blind; in fact, some of them have tried to steal my cane! I swear today’s youth... I mention this because one time they managed to actually take it from me, and I spent easily 20 minutes searching for a teacher for help. I now hate kids.
  35.  
  36. Finally 10th block and I get to the park. I remember it as a big, spaced clean area with a few low trees every couple metres, with many benches scattered all around. There’s also a big fountain in the middle, but I remember it with it’s water always dirty, so for some reason I don’t like hearing it. It makes me feel filthy I guess.
  37.  
  38. I sit in a bench far from the voices of some kids who are playing football (Soccer for you, doc. I know you’re American) and I take in the fresh air of the evening. The sun isn’t giving it’s usual warmth by now, and a strong wind is rising in my surroundings. The trees start to move, and the branches crumble and make that soothing noise I so love. And then it happens: I hear the first drop make it’s unique splash sound.
  39. The kids are gone, the sky is (probably) grey, filled with clouds ready to let heaven’s tears flow to the ground. Then, a clear *plop*. Then another, and another. Soon, the park is roaring with music, composing a song I cry to, mixing my tears with the pure water that falls to the ground.
  40. I’m shivering from the cold water, but i’m enjoying it so much... yet I wish I could see it.
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  42.  
  43. June 27-
  44.  
  45. I am depressed doc. I haven’t seen you in over three weeks, and I wonder if I should make an appointment with you. But do I really want to see you? You’ll prescribe me some numbing pills, i’m sure of it. If I tell you that i’m having trouble sleeping, if I tell you that my girlfriend left me, that I have hated my life since that day I lost my sight, I know you’ll give me pills. I already can’t see, and as well as i’m taking it, it’s maddening. I don’t want to feel even less doc. I’m scared, and I don’t want to lose more of myself.
  46. I don’t think this “Blind Diaries” thing is going to work.
  47.  
  48. June 28 -
  49. Maybe I haven’t been honest here... I don’t know. Is avoiding telling something a kind of lie? I don’t know.
  50.  
  51. That day when I was going to the flower shop to buy sunflowers... they were the most beautiful sunflowers you would ever see, I swear. I only saw their picture online, but I know Chrissy would have loved them. She was always a sunflower girl; no roses for her. Heh... she was a bit of a weirdo, but I loved her for that. I still do.
  52.  
  53. You know, I was going to propose to her that night with those rare beauties from Spain. I had bought the ring the day before, I had picked the restaurant from over a dozen others. Everything was ready.
  54. Life has a funny thing of saying no.
  55. Actually... it’s not funny at all. It’s horrible.
  56.  
  57. I always knew I was happy with her, but I never knew I was miserable without her. I’m living in hell now, from the day she left me I have, and all I have done this last week is deny that fact. I knew she was going to leave me. I knew it the moment she set foot on my hospital room and I heard her gasp for air as she saw me with all those tubes going in and out of my body. It didn’t take her long to figure out something very wrong was happening with my eyes, and no matter how much she loved me then, having your loved one lose their sight, becoming useless and in need of a nanny to do the most trivial things - a parasite to society who uses government funds to survive, not working at all, just laying there - is devastating. I heard her cry softly every night by my hospital bed, when she thought I was sleeping. I knew I had lost her already then. No words could express my feelings, no machine could turn time around, no medicine could give my sight back. She slowly drifted away from me, and no words I could have said would change that.
  58.  
  59. As everything that rises, it must inevitably fall to the ground. I never got the flowers, and I never proposed. A week after I got home she left me. My dearest Chrissy... oh how much I miss you.
  60. Time ticks slowly now, and every second that passes I feel like crying.
  61. I think I started writing this diary to compensate for my lonliness. It’s hard being blind AND not having anyone to talk to you.
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  63.  
  64. Last week, when I went to the park, I went to cry. I knew it was going to rain, and I wanted to cry so badly. I just wanted a moment for myself out of the house where both of us used to share a bed and spend every second together. I knew if I had a breakdown in there I would have killed myself right there.
  65. But it doesn’t matter, because I have taken that decision anyway. I’m going to die today, and I want to leave a clear statement here:
  66. Being blind is not nice. Being blind is not easy. You have tons of problems that otherwise you could easily surpass with your sight, and people start treating you differently because of your inability to see.
  67. But i’m not going to die because i’m blind. I learned a lot during this few weeks, from appreciating the little things in life to living every moment as your last.
  68. Yet I lost something else that fateful day; I lost love.
  69. I can’t live without her... I really do love her, and I don’t expect you to understand doc. I’m sorry this is the end, but i’m as disappointed this is the ending as you are.
  70. If you see Chrissy, please don’t let her see this, and tell her I will always love her. No matter what.
  71. Goodbye my love.
  72.  
  73. Ps. Doc, the sunflowers. They are already payed for, please make sure she gets them. I’m sure she’ll appreciate it.
  74. As for the ring... I think the pain would be too much for her, so i’ll throw it away before dying.
  75. Bye doc. It was a pleasure.
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