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FluffandCrunch

Good Enough

Sep 26th, 2013
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  1. “Did you accept?”
  2. The question hangs in the air as I wait for Hisao to answer. It seems like such a blunt way to ask, but I need to hear the truth from him before I know how I feel.
  3.  
  4. “I did.”
  5.  
  6. I feel the blush run through my cheeks, warming my skin. I knew they were acting weird around each other, but I never thought they would start... dating. I guess I should have expected it; Lilly is very pretty and Hisao is cute too, though I don't think that's what drew her to him in the first place. I feel silly thinking of it, but how he looks probably doesn't have any draw for Lilly because of her... yeah.
  7. She probably likes him because he's so caring, so thoughtful and nice.
  8. And kind.
  9. And gentle.
  10. And strong and funny and we like the same things.
  11.  
  12. I feel the smile crawl across my face, I couldn't stop it if I wanted to. The two of them together? It's hard to think about, but when I do it makes me feel fuzzy inside, like it just feels right. Lilly and Hisao? That's such a nice thing to happen for them.
  13. Good for them.
  14. “Then I'm happy. I'm really, really happy.”
  15.  
  16. Hisao looks stunned by my answer, but relieved, like he was worried about what my feelings on the subject would be. Lilly too looks as if a great burden has been lifted, her shoulder lifting slightly as she sighs as if letting out her held breath. When I saw them hugging in the kitchen, I wasn't sure what to think. It wasn't a... normal hug, not the kind you have with someone who is just a friend. I hug Lilly, but not like that. After everything that has happened, it was only a matter of time, I guess. They spent so much time together, I imagine it would be normal that they would start to develop feelings for each other. It's funny to think that the two of them were so worried over my approval about their feelings for each other. I doubt they would have changed them if I hadn't been happy about it, I wouldn't have wanted them to, but I'm very glad they gave me so much consideration and thought. I hope they didn't think I wouldn't approve or hesitated telling each other on my account. The last thing I would want would be the two of them to start dancing around the subject, trying to hide it from me or avoid talking about it, thinking of how bad it would be for 'poor Hanako' to find out and feel like a third wheel in everything.
  17.  
  18. “I'm sorry for not telling you anything about it before. Things have been....“
  19.  
  20. I shake my head strongly, not wanting Lilly to be forced to explain herself. I don't blame her; she only just got back from Scotland, she's probably been thinking about this the whole time she was there. When I was stuck in my room over my... birthday, Hisao had to deal with me and my issues. I hate that I made them worry over me, they probably talked about it. I don't want them to worry or trouble themselves, to dote on me like I was some fragile doll. I don't want their sympathy, just their honest friendship.
  21.  
  22. I nervously play with my fingers, not sure of how to explain myself or my feelings. “To be honest, I began to think you might like each other a while ago. At first I didn't really know what to think about it... but I....“
  23.  
  24. I shouldn't be selfish. After what they've done for me, Lilly being my only friend, throwing me a birthday party, meeting Hisao and having him check up on me while I was locking myself away, the two of them even bringing me to this beautiful house and taking me on a vacation, how could I possibly be upset over what the two of them have found? They're happy with each other, and I'm their friend; I would be a selfish person if I didn't feel happy for their happiness. “I decided in the end that... if my friends are happy, then I'm happy.“
  25.  
  26. Another sigh of relief from the two of them. They really are alike, always worrying themselves over what other people think, trying to put up fronts so no one will be worried about what's really going on inside their heads. I know I have trouble sharing my own thoughts, but it seems silly not to tell someone how you're feeling, to hide things like that. “I was really glad to have another friend when we met Hisao,“ I continue, speaking to Lilly. ”So you finding love through him is even better... right?“
  27.  
  28. “Thank you, Hanako. I really appreciate you being so understanding.“
  29.  
  30. She doesn't sound so sure. She still sounds as if she's apologizing for what she's done.
  31. She doesn't... suspect anything, does she?
  32. I'm not sure how to find out. I don't want Hisao to know, or even suspect about how I feel, not after this. “Hisao, do you mind if me and Lilly go outside for a bit?“
  33.  
  34. He looks surprised by my request, that goofy expression he gets when he's not sure what to say. “Ah, no, feel free....”
  35.  
  36. Lilly is just as surprised with my rather blunt request. “Hanako?”
  37. I stand and take Lilly's hand as gently as I'm able while still directing her out of the house. She gets dragged behind me a little, but I try not to pull her off her feet. I have so much I want to say, to ask, but I need to make sure she knows that I'm honestly all right with this.
  38.  
  39. I take Lilly outside, the air filled with the smell of newly fallen rain and freshly cut grass, the wheat field out back adding a sweet scent to the outdoors. I take her back to the field out of earshot of the house; I don't want Hisao to overhear us.
  40.  
  41. “Hanako, where are we going?”
  42. “Just a little f-further.”
  43.  
  44. I eventually stop in the field, my nightgown picking up tiny beads of dew as we hurry past. “Hanako?” Lilly asks with a little worry at my silence after our sudden stop.
  45. I stand in front of her, my fingers dancing against one another, tightening then loosening into balled, clenched fists. “You... you confessed to Hisao?”
  46. Lilly sighs, flickers of concern washing over her pretty face. “Yes, I did. Hanako, I don't know what came over me. After what happened yesterday when we were going into town, I... I just couldn't stop myself. Hisao...I felt like I almost lost him. I couldn't stand the thought that something could happen to him without knowing how I was beginning to feel for him. With my family so far away....“
  47. Lilly stops, her hands wrapped protectively in front of her.
  48. “Lilly?”
  49. “I just....” she searches for an answer, a particular way to say something without giving anything away. She always does this, tries to find the right way to say something without offending anyone, even if it means not saying anything at all. She's so good with people, how to handle them. I'm a little jealous of how easy it seems for her to talk, but most of the time, I think she doesn't say half of what she's thinking. “I didn't want to lose anyone else. It's why I was so concerned what you would think about the two of us being together. I didn't want you to feel like we were trying to exclude you from our lives.“
  50.  
  51. “N-no, I don't.... feel that way.” I looks at my feet, the moisture laden shoots of wheat swaying lazily in the breeze. “So... you confessed,” I repeat.
  52. She nods once.
  53. “H-how did it go?”
  54.  
  55. She gives a little smile, a relieved expression for the lighter topic and my apparent acceptance of the action. “Better than I had thought, though I didn't think much on it beforehand. As I said, it was... a spur of the moment sort thing. I just wanted him to know how I felt, I was so frightened he might refuse. I had wanted to try and explain things carefully, but as soon as I started talking, I'm afraid I became a little frantic and made a proper fool of myself in doing so. Do you know the first thing he said to me afterwards?“
  56.  
  57. “Wh-what?” I ask, a little eager to hear. I hope it was something romantic; a confession of love in the middle of a field of golden wheat? It's like something out of a storybook and I know storybook romance.
  58.  
  59. Lilly shakes her head, a little amused. “He called me an 'idiot,” she says wistfully with a slight rolling of her eyebrows.
  60.  
  61. My mouth drops open and I must let out a disappointed, disgusted sound, because Lilly giggles slightly, covering her mouth. “He did! He said I was an idiot! Can you imagine? I know he isn't really the best at expressing himself, but still, there are just some thing you don't expect to hear from the person you've just confessed too. He said I was for worrying about him leaving, about being hurt. He didn't want to worry or frighten me. He... he promised never to leave me.“
  62.  
  63. Lilly stops, her face down and lax.
  64.  
  65. Sudden worry stabs at me. “Lilly?”
  66. She shakes her head. “Oh, I'm fine. Never mind that.”
  67. “So...what happened next?”
  68. “We came back to the house and talked for a while about us, about what we were getting ourselves into.“ Lilly sighs, a hand on her cheek. ”He's so troublesome at times. I know he doesn't want me to worry about him, but what else can I do? He's always trying to apologize, trying to make sure no one concerns themselves over him or bothers over what he's thinking.“
  69.  
  70. The two of you have a lot in common, I think. “Then what?”
  71.  
  72. I know I shouldn't pry, but I'm actually excited to hear about this. I don't get to talk about 'girl' stuff very often, and this is the sort of thing normal girls talk about, right? Boys and stuff, I guess. I like to talk, I'm just not very good at it, and even if I was, not a lot of girls are into the stuff I am; books about outer space and fantasy, chess, computers, board games and table sports. I can't do many of those things with Lilly and the girls who do like them at school are... too intense for me.
  73.  
  74. Hisao likes some of those things.
  75.  
  76. My questions makes Lilly pause and her cheeks turn red. She stammers for a reply, but only ends up tightly closing her mouth “What is it?” I ask, confused by her hesitance.
  77.  
  78. She keeps searching for something to say, but nothing comes out. “Well, he and I... that is to say... we were....”
  79.  
  80. I'm surprised to see Lilly becoming so bashful over a simple question. I can't think of anything Hisao and her would do that she would become so nervous over.
  81. Unless they were....
  82.  
  83. I gasp and cover my mouth. Lilly turns a bright shade, guessing what my conclusion must be.
  84. “Y-you... s-s-slept... together? Already?
  85.  
  86. She cringes and turns away, as if she could see my shocked expression. I can't believe Lilly and Hisao... the two of them together? So all of a sudden? Lilly isn't... that kind of girl, at least I didn't think she was.
  87.  
  88. I find myself dwelling on the idea and it's an uncomfortable topic. They were... together, they had... sex.
  89. I can feel my cheeks burn.
  90. I was in in the next room. While I was asleep, the two of them were... together.
  91.  
  92. That thought just makes all kinds of images dance in my head and I have a hard time pushing them away, I have to shake my head to get my thoughts straight.
  93.  
  94. Lilly still looks terribly put out. “I'm sorry, Hanako. Like I said, it was all so sudden. I guess we got caught up in the moment, I imagine.“
  95.  
  96. “It's... okay,” I struggle to say, still thinking of Hisao and Lilly laying against one another, doing... things to each other that makes my face flush and my heart beat faster. Hisao is very handsome and Lilly is the prettiest girl I've ever seen. Thinking about them is just... it makes me feel woozy inside and makes my stomach start spinning, not in a bad, but a funny feeling sort of way. “H-how did it... go?”
  97.  
  98. Lilly looks embarrassed and for a moment I feel like I overstepped my bounds. It really isn't something you talk about with a friend, is it? Lilly and I are close, but is that not something I should ask her? I'm not very good at this sort of thing.
  99.  
  100. “It was...,” she starts before stopping again, then she smiles slowly and almost reluctantly. “It was everything I could have hoped for. It was... both of our first times.“ Her cheeks blossom into a red, rosy glow and she has a beautiful smile on her face as she touches her cheeks.
  101.  
  102. I feel myself smiling too. I'm glad they could have something so special, something they could share. It makes me a little jealous, wondering if I'll ever have something as nice as that with someone I love, but I'm still happy for then.. “I was telling the truth, Lilly. I'm... very happy for the two of you.“
  103.  
  104. Lilly sighs, regaining her composure after that delicate turn to our conversation. “Thank you, Hanako. I was so worried you would think that Hisao and I were trying to sequester ourselves or pull away from you. I don't want you to think that this means the relationship between the three of us has changed; I know Hisao and I will be dating now, but I don't want you to think that means you are any less of our friend.“
  105.  
  106. Right. Friend.
  107.  
  108. “Uh,” I say before clamming up.
  109. “Yes?” she says with a smile.
  110.  
  111. Come on, I tell myself, you have to let her know. I don't think she suspects, but I can't let this go on. I need to tell her. Lilly is my friend, she has a right to know. I don't want this to be between us like a poison, getting worse and worse.
  112.  
  113. “Lilly, I... I needed to tell you something....”
  114. “Yes, Hanako?”
  115. I tear my eyes off the ground and look up at her. She's smiling at me, looking so pleasant, so happy in this moment that we're having together. I want to shut myself down and stop destroying that happiness, but I summon all my courage and push through. “I need... to let you know something.”
  116. “Of course, Hanako. You can tell me anything.”
  117.  
  118. I hesitate, refusing my last offer of escape. “I need you to know... how I feel.” I breath slowly trying to steady myself. My heart is pounding in my chest and I can feel the beginnings of a panic attack start creeping in between the frantic beating of my heart, making my breathing come in quick flutters I have to control. “I... I like... Hisao. I like Hisao.”
  119.  
  120. Lilly smiles and nods pleasantly. “I know you do, Hanako.”
  121. I'm a little surprised before she keeps speaking, her finger dancing against one another, shyly smiling. “Honestly, I couldn't imagine being with anyone who you didn't approve of. Your opinion is very important to me, Hanako. I know that Hisao is a good person and he's your friend as much as he was mine. I wouldn't be with anyone who couldn't accept you as a part of my life, which is why this situation works out so well for all of us involved. There shouldn't be any of that terrible awkwardness that can happen during these sort of situation.“
  122.  
  123. She doesn't understand.
  124. “No.... n-no, you don't... you're not listening.”
  125. She looks innocently confused.
  126.  
  127. “L-lilly, I... like Hisao. I... 'like' like Hisao.” I want to crawl into a corner and hide my face in the dirt for how horrible this makes me feel. “I like him... a lot.”
  128.  
  129. Lilly doesn't seem to react to what I'm saying, just standing still that same smile on her face. The wind blows around us and the wheat hisses in the silence between me and her. It doesn't dawn on her for a while, but her smile cracks like a mirror and slowly disappears in time, being replaced by a slack expression of confusion. “You... like Hisao?”
  130. “Y-yes.”
  131. “You... like him... very much?”
  132. I nod.
  133. My answer goes unheeded, but it's enough to where she starts to realize. At first she just looks perplexed, but she starts understanding and the stations of her expression are painful for me to see. Confusion, interest, suspicion, understanding, shock and horror all fight for a place on her pale face. Her hand finds its way to her chest, gripping her heart tightly. “You... for Hisao?”
  134.  
  135. “Yes,” I say, covering my face in shame, my voice muffled. I can feel tears on my face and I fight them back. “A lot.”
  136.  
  137. Her mouth drops in a strangled gasp and she rubs her neck as if she were in pain. “You... love him?”
  138.  
  139. I shrug bashfully, turning away from her. Love. The word makes me giggle nervously. “I don't know. I just... really like him. He's nice and we like a lot of the s-same things. He looked after me when... it was my b-birthday, but he left me alone when I wanted it. He's really cute and... handsome. I never... I never had many friends who were g-guys and he's... the only one I have now. He doesn't...,“ I touch my face, feeling the disgusting texture of my own skin, making my hand flinch away from the unclean surface. “He doesn't stare. He did a little at first, but... he doesn't care anymore. He just... wanted to be f-friends. I don't know if I like him or l-love him or if it's just... a crush. I don't know. I've never thought this way about someone before. I just l-like him a lot, I guess.“
  140.  
  141. Lilly is speechless, her mouth hanging open in an uncharacteristically undignified manner. She looks terrified by what I've just said, as if she lost the ability to speak. “You didn't... you didn't say anything!” She sounds a little angry and insulted, like it was my fault.
  142.  
  143. “I know,” I shrug, wanting a place to hide. “I didn't... want you to know. I didn't want Hisao to know. He paid so much attention to you, I thought, I knew he was s-starting to like you and I th-thought you were starting to feel the same way. He's always... looking at you and not me.“
  144.  
  145. Lilly's wrapped her arms around herself, hugging her body. She looks like she's starting to cry. “And I've stolen him from you!”
  146.  
  147. “Don't! D-don't say that!” I take a step up to Lilly and I hug her. “Don't... say that. I'm not... don't feel... sorry for me. I don't want your pity. I know you... try to take care of me, but the last thing I want is for you to s-sacrifice your own happiness for me. What am I supposed to do knowing that? That I'm making you miserable because you're afraid that I'll... be hurt.“
  148. “But Hisao....”
  149. “I d-don't want him to know. Please don't tell him. I j-just wanted to make sure you knew that I was o-okay with this. I'm happy, I really am. I didn't know if you knew... I just wanted you to know I was okay.“ I hold her tightly. ”Lilly, you're my best friend! And Hisao has been my friend too. What kind of a horrible person would I be if I c-couldn't even be happy for my b-best friends? I don't know how... I feel exactly, but I do know that you and Hisao are perfect for each other. Y-you're just his type.“
  150.  
  151. You're pretty.
  152.  
  153. I shake the ugly thought away.
  154.  
  155. “I w-want you to be happy. For everything you've... done for me, I want you to be as happy as you've made me being your friend.“
  156.  
  157. Lilly wraps me in a hug and makes a shuddering whimper. Strangely the tables are flipped between us and I'm the one making her feel better, letting her cry into my shoulder for once. In a way it makes me happy that I can be there for her tears after all the times she's been there for mine even if I was the one who caused them.
  158. I pat her on the back, just like she does for me, saying the things that makes me feel better. “There, there,“ I say, ”it's okay. It's all right.“
  159.  
  160. She gasps, wiping tears away after her crying eyes and pulls back a little, taking my face into her hands. It doesn't make me flinch as much as it used to, but I still do a little. “Hanako, I am so grateful to have you as a friend. For you to do this, to be this understanding... I don't know how I could ever thank you.“
  161.  
  162. “Y-you don't have to. I'm j-just paying you back for being my friend.“
  163. She smiles sadly again and hugs me once more. “You never have to do that. Hanako, thank you. I'm sorry Hisao... I'm sorry he wasn't the one for you. I want... I want you to know that one day, you'll find someone who makes you as happy as he's made me.“
  164.  
  165. I wonder about that and it's a nice thought to have. “Thank you, Lilly.”
  166. “I mean it, Hanako. I'm sorry that this situation happened this way. If you had told me, if I had suspected... I never would have confessed to him, you know that, yes? You know I would never have done this knowing that?“
  167.  
  168. “I-I know, Lilly. It's all right. I wouldn't want you to keep your feelings secret just for my sake. I'm happy for you. H-Hisao is... he's good for you.“
  169.  
  170. Lilly hugs me back and I feel her sigh as she pulls her state back together. “I'm sorry.”
  171. “It's okay. It's good enough just to have you as friends.”
  172.  
  173. Somewhere deep inside, I just wish it could have been more. If I had said something sooner, if I had decided to share what my feelings were with Hisao or Lilly, maybe it would have been me and not her, maybe I could have been the one he fell in love with. What if I hadn't been so afraid of letting them know how I felt, maybe things could have been different. Lilly says she would have stepped aside, and I trust her. Maybe she would even helped get Hisao to understand how I was feeling. Maybe he and I would have fallen in love in this wonderful place and had a romantic moment like the two of them had.
  174.  
  175. Jealousy eats away at my heart and I have to forcibly push it from my mind. Only a horrible person would think such things about their best friends. I'm happy for them, I tell myself again, I don't want my feelings to be the reason for any unhappiness on their part. I want them to know how grateful I am to them for what they've done and thank them for being there for me. The best way to do that is to let them be happy together and encourage them, to smile so they won't think otherwise.
  176.  
  177. I look over Lilly's shoulder and I see Hisao walking out of the house towards us. I stare at him a moment and I know that even though he sees us, he's looking at her first. “Lilly... Hisao.”
  178.  
  179. Lilly pulls back and wipes her face carefully, composing her expression to a pleasant neutral. “I'm sorry, Hanako,” she hastily whispers
  180. “It's all right. P-please don't tell him.”
  181. “I promise. I would never do that. We'll talk more soon.”
  182.  
  183. Hisao joins us with a smile. “Everything all right?”
  184.  
  185. I look at the two of them, his hand on her shoulder, the way they smile and glow next to one another.
  186. I feel a warm feeling start growing in my chest and it feels very nice.
  187. “Yes,” I say with a bashful little grin I try to hide, “everything is okay.”
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