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FluffandCrunch

Lilly Route: Conflict: 1-2, My Own Worst Enemy

Feb 7th, 2013
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  1. It's been a while since I was last here, but the track remains the same. I've changed into some clothes suitable for running, pulling out my old soccer uniform and some new shoes I bought to run with in expectation of starting to exercise. If I spent money on them, I thought, it would force me put them to use.
  2.  
  3. Emi is impatiently waiting for me. “About time you showed up. What took so long?”
  4. I groan. “I had to get ready, all right? I'm here, aren't I?“
  5. “Showing up is only the first step, then you actually have to start following through. Are you ready?“
  6. “Yeah, let's just get this over with.”
  7.  
  8. Emi helps me through some stretches, making sure that I'm ready for some real exercise, pointing out when I'm doing something wrong. I feel very foolish as I can't even stretch properly and she keeps having to correct me. I feel like a baby horse hobbling on it's new legs and I'm grateful no one is around; the embarrassment would be too much to bear. Emi takes to it so casually, practiced and routine, and I can't help but notice her flexibility, the way she limbers up in preparation for the run, arms stretched back, legs stretched out, the way her running shorts bunch up around her legs, revealing pale thigh, her thin shirt straining over her chest which a short time ago I had in my hands, soft and supple and....
  9.  
  10. Stop it! I shake myself.
  11.  
  12. I miss Lilly so much.
  13.  
  14. “What are you doing,” Emi asks, one leg stretched out in front of her.
  15. “Missing my girlfriend,” I say despondently.
  16. “Hisao, you're gloomy today.”
  17. “What do you expect? I spent all that time in the hospital and did everything I could to get out as soon as I was able, just to waste my summer alone here at Yamaku. I miss Lilly. It's frustrating."
  18.  
  19. Her eyes gleam. “Like...'sexually' frustrating?”
  20. I choke on my words.
  21.  
  22. “I understand,” Emi says. She shifts around, her legs in a near perfect split, then leans towards me and winks. “That's why I'm here. I can help you relieve some of that stress.”
  23.  
  24. I slowly begin to back away from her.
  25.  
  26. She giggles. “By which I mean running, of course!”
  27. I stammer out my reply. “Yeah. Of course. That's what I was thinking.”
  28.  
  29. She laughs, seeing my reaction. “Exercise is just what you need! It's the best thing for a virile young man like you! When you hit your mark and get yourself some of that runner's high; it's the best feeling in the world! Better than sex!“
  30.  
  31. I glare at her. “That's a lie.”
  32. “That just means you haven't been doing it right.”
  33. “Running or sex?”
  34. Another wink. “Both.” She hops to her feet. “Ready?”
  35.  
  36. I think I'm sufficiently stretched out and with the way the conversation is going, I'd rather not follow the train of thought the two of us have been on. “Ready,” I say.
  37.  
  38. “Okay! Now, we're going to take this nice and easy. Just take a few warm up laps before you try anything advanced. I'll be gentle since it's your first time.“
  39.  
  40. I smile broadly. “Are we still taking about sex?”
  41. Emi's snickers, her face turning slightly red. “You're pretty preoccupied today! Don't worry; once I'm done with you, you won't be thinking about anything but running. Now, get on that starting line!“
  42.  
  43. Emi takes her place at the starting line, body coiled like a spring. After some mental preparation and with some unheard shot, she's off down the track, nearly at the corner before I can blink.
  44.  
  45. Dang, she's fast!
  46.  
  47. I ready myself at the starting line.
  48.  
  49. I can do this, I tell myself. Just like she said; one foot forward. First step is always the hardest.
  50.  
  51. I start off, jogging slowly, getting an easy, but steady stride to begin with. I focus on my breathing, the impact of my foot hitting the ground a tempo to work my lungs around. I take each footstep in turn, each one another step towards accomplishment. I round the corner and keep going.
  52.  
  53. I can do this, I tell myself.
  54.  
  55. A lap passes by and I'm beginning to breath hard. Emi has passed me twice, each time shouting encouragements at me as she whips on by;
  56.  
  57. “That's it, Hisao! You're doing great!”
  58. “Keep it up! You're not racing against anyone but yourself!“
  59. “Keep your pace steady, don't push yourself!”
  60.  
  61. I get through another lap and my breathing becomes ragged, but I keep going. I tell myself that I'm just out of shape, that it's not so much my heart as my physical condition. Everyone has trouble their first time, I just need practice. My legs feel like they're on fire and even my arms begin to grow weary from use, but I ignore it. I've been in the hospital, I haven't been taking care of myself. It's fine, I can keep going.
  62.  
  63. I wheeze for air by the halfway mark on my second lap around the track. My heart pounds in my chest and I already know I need to stop before I push myself too far.
  64.  
  65. I come to a halt, putting my arms above my head to breath, but my throat is dry and my chest burns.
  66.  
  67. Come on, stop it!
  68. My heart pounds harder.
  69. Stop it!
  70.  
  71. It would be so easy if I could just will my heart to do what I want it to, but it doesn't seem to ever respond to my wishes. It's as if I have something living inside of me, plotting against me, trying to break me down and ruin my life, time and time again; Iwanako, my old life, Lilly, my new life here. Every time I get a hold of something I want, it tries to take it away from me. It's my own fault; I've been taking my medication, but I've done nothing for my health. The past few months I've avoided every little thing that would upset me, remind me of why I'm at Yamaku. I should have been paying attention, instead, I put blinders on. Sipping tea and slow walks into town just aren't enough.
  72.  
  73. My chest pounds and aches terribly. I stagger over to the bench and sit down, breathing in and out as steadily as I can. Emi comes to a halt as she rounds once more. I've lost track of how many passes this makes it. “Are you okay?” she asks, a worried frown on her face.
  74.  
  75. “Yeah,” I wave her off. “I'm fine. Go on without me.”
  76. “No way! Not this time.”
  77. Emi walks over and sits next to me on the bench.
  78. “You're not done with your laps yet,” I say.
  79.  
  80. She shakes her head. “No, I'm not, and I'm not going to finish them until you do yours.“
  81. I frown at her. “I won't be responsible for holding you back, Emi.”
  82. She smiles back at me. “Then don't quit this time.”
  83.  
  84. I sigh in frustration. “Just go on. I'll be all right.”
  85. “No,” she mews sadly. “Not without you!” She gives me puppy dog eyes and they burrow right through me. If I didn't know better, she looks like she's about to cry on command.
  86. “Ugh, fine! Fine! Just turn those off! I'm getting even more depressed seeing you like this.“
  87. She lights up instantly. “Good! That was the point. It's a terrible person who makes a girl cry!“
  88. “Even if it's fake tears?”
  89. “Those are the worst kind of all; you could have stopped them. Now, get your ass back on that track!“
  90.  
  91. I step up and check my heart while Emi gets back to her runs. It's still beating hard, but it's at a manageable level, I guess.
  92.  
  93. I start off again, regaining my tempo from before. One foot, then another. Breath in, breathe out. I finish my incomplete lap and go for another.
  94.  
  95. It's less than half way through my next lap before I once more run into trouble. I'm breathing as heavily as I was before, possibly worse, the sounds of my breath a dry, wheezing in my ears.
  96. Get up and I get slapped back down, I think to myself.
  97. My chest aches, a dull, throbbing pain growing in the center.
  98. I stop once more in the middle of the track, hand over my heart, massaging the pain away, my throat tightening.
  99. I try to calm down, but it keeps going, not any worse or any better.
  100.  
  101. Damn it.
  102. Damn it, damn it, damn it!
  103.  
  104. I look up at the finish line at the other end of the track. To a normal person it would be a little difficult, but they could easily reach it at a run and still keep their breath about them. For someone like Emi, it's no more effort than what a normal person goes through walking at a normal pace for less than a few minutes.
  105. For someone like me, though, it seems impossible, insurmountable, foolish.
  106. I shake my head, still drawing long, ragged breaths into my burning lungs.
  107. What's the point of trying something if you're just doomed to failure?
  108.  
  109. I see Emi blast past me, a look of pure bliss on her face. For a moment, I would eagerly trade my legs in for a working heart. At least then I could try or have a fair shot. This is like some sick game I'm being forced to play, like soccer with my feet tied together and the other team can use their hands.
  110.  
  111. This is embarrassing.
  112.  
  113. I breath heavily, my heart pounds, my knees ache and now my eyes start to burn.
  114.  
  115. I wanted so much to change, to make myself better. All I ever seem to do is run into obstacles, hit dead ends, always of my own making. I only have myself to blame for everything that's happened to me recently. What's the point of even trying if all I do is fail? Compared to someone like Emi, I'm not even worth the effort. I have no chance of ever being as good as she is, let alone being good enough to where I can actually make an impact on my health.
  116. I'm a car with a broken engine and a flat tire, a junker.
  117. The doctors said I was lucky to be alive after the first attack.
  118. I've gotten by on luck so far.
  119. My throat tightens with anger. I cover my eyes and turn away from the track.
  120.  
  121. “Hey!”
  122. I don't look back at Emi, I'm too ashamed.
  123. “Where are you going?”
  124. “I quit,” I moan.
  125. “What? You can't quit! Not again!”
  126.  
  127. I stop at the bottom of the stadium stairs. “What's the point? I'm never going to get any better.“
  128. “Not with that attitude, you're not! Now come on, I don't run unless you run!“
  129. “Knock it off, Emi.” I turn around to face her. She's standing a few feet from me, hands on her hips, a grumpy pout on her face. “I'm sick of your inspirational speeches. They're not for me. I'm never going to be a runner like you, and you can't make me into one, all right?“
  130.  
  131. “You don't have to be a runner like me! This isn't about accomplishment, it's about you! You need to get exercise or you'll never get control of your condition!“
  132. “Well I sure as hell can't run! What's the point of exercising to get my heart healthy if every time I exercise, I put myself in danger! It's backwards! I won't do it anymore!“
  133.  
  134. I take the first few steps away.
  135.  
  136. “So you're going to walk away again, huh? You're gonna quit like before! I thought you were better than that, Hisao!“
  137. “I'll find something else to do.”
  138. She takes a couple steps up behind me, her running legs clicking against the stairs. “If you do this, then whatever you do next will be even easier to quit! It's like a drug with you! You let yourself down one time so it's okay to do it again? When will you finally stand up for yourself and stop being so mopey all the time!“
  139. “I said knock it off, Emi! I don't want to hear it anymore!“
  140. I start climbing the stairs.
  141. “Fine! Be that way,” she shouts at me. “I thought you had what it takes, but I guess not! You're just a quitter! A failure!“
  142. “Piss off.”
  143. She sounds flustered and angry, grasping at straws to make me stop, but I walk away.
  144.  
  145. “Fine!” she hurls at my back in a last ditch effort,“then expect me to tell you 'I told you so' at your funeral when you're thirty!“
  146.  
  147. I halt suddenly on the stairs, a feeling like a knife shoved through my shoulder blades. My hand tightens into an angry fist and I can feel my face turn hot, a rush of adrenaline coursing through my veins, numbing my pounding heart.
  148.  
  149. I turn on Emi and jump several stairs down to her, crowding into her, towering above her. “That's not funny!” I shout in her face.
  150.  
  151. Emi flinches from me and winces in pain.
  152. I look down.
  153.  
  154. I've grabbed Emi by the arm and I'm twisting her wrist tight enough to make her skin turn an angry red.
  155.  
  156. I quickly let go of her, backing off, my hand shaking with a slight tremor. Emi grips her arm protectively to her chest, the flesh already starting to purple and bruise.
  157. Her eyes are very wide.
  158.  
  159. We stand on the landing for a breathless moment, both of us surprised by my hasty and angry reaction.
  160.  
  161. “Emi, I....”
  162. I don't know what to say. I want to apologize, but I'm not even sure why I did that.
  163.  
  164. Emi's face turns a bright shade of crimson and she hits me.
  165. I've never been hit before. I've never taken a punch or even been slapped. You'd expect a girl to slap you after doing what I did, but not Emi; I should have expected her to ball her tiny fist and lay one right between my eyes, making stars dance in front of me, a quick, small jab that takes me unaware. After what I did, I deserve it.
  166.  
  167. One hit and she drops me to the floor, flat on my ass. I blink several times to make the pain go away. I don't feel any blood trickling down my nose, so I don't think anything is broken. I end up just staring at her in disbelief.
  168.  
  169. “It's not supposed to be funny, you jackass!” she says without losing a beat, standing over me. “It's supposed to get you angry! Good! Maybe you'll get angry at the only person you have to blame; yourself! You're a quitter, Hisao Nakai, and if you quit now you'll never get control of your life!“
  170.  
  171. I rub my forehead where I can feel a tiny imprint of her knuckles starting to throb.
  172.  
  173. “You're not just letting yourself down,” she continues, “you're letting down everyone who cares about you. Everyone who's your friend and everyone who wants to see you succeed and be happy. It's not fair to them or to you!“ Her eyes waver a little and some of her steely resolve melts away. “What about them? What are they supposed to do when they see you fail? What are they going to do when you're not around anymore and you could have done something, anything, to prevent that? That isn't fair to them. We're not talking just about exercise. This is life and death! If you're not around, how are they supposed to move on without you?“
  174.  
  175. My head still hurts. I blink a few times, my senses cloudy from the punch, the adrenaline and Emi's words. “Emi, I...I just don't think I can do it. Not on my own.“
  176.  
  177. “You're not alone, Hisao. You have people who care about you. You've got me and I'm going to keep kicking your ass until it sinks into that thick skull you have that you can't give up! You have to face this head on! You can't ignore this anymore!“
  178. “You're only here today. What am I supposed to do when you're not around?“
  179. “Then be afraid knowing that I'll come back to check up on you!“
  180. “What if that isn't enough? I want to, Emi, but...I don't think I'm strong enough to do this for myself.“
  181. “If your own health isn't enough of a reason to keep you moving, then find something to do it for.“
  182. “Like what?”
  183.  
  184. She gives me a look, an expression that makes me feel like a complete fool. “You're pretty stupid, Hisao. You can't think of one thing or person? One reason other than your health to take care of yourself?“
  185.  
  186. Lilly.
  187.  
  188. I'm a little ashamed the thought never occurred to me before. For so long I had been concerned about making people, making Lilly, worry over me, about being upset over what happened to me. I didn't want to concern them, to concern her, but I was unwilling to do anything to prevent that other than try and hide my feelings, to hide what was wrong with me. I was avoiding what was wrong, not trying to fix it, not facing it head on.
  189.  
  190. Emi smiles sadly and kneels down to face me. “If your health isn't enough for you, then find something else. Do it for the people you care about. They need you, Hisao. What would they think if you gave up, if you let them down? Do you want to see that disappointment on their faces? Can you imagine what it would be like if you stopped, if you let it get to be too much for you? You have to make yourself tough, Hisao, so it doesn't get to you anymore, so you can't feel it. If you let it affect you, you'll stop and that will kill you just as fast as your heart will."
  191. "If you don't get this under control, that's what will happen. Maybe not soon, but one day it will. What could anyone say to the people who care about you to make them feel better about losing someone they love? Would anyone be able to make your girlfriend feel better? Believe me, nothing anyone will say can ever fix it.“
  192.  
  193. I think about my friends, my Mom and Dad, all the people I know and have met since I came to Yamaku. Emi stands in front of me, but there are more. What would Shizune think of my failure? Obviously she'd be disgusted with me.
  194.  
  195. What if I did die?
  196.  
  197. Misha would be sad. Hanako would be devastated.
  198.  
  199. What if I had died that first time in the snow and never came to Yamaku? What if I had died at the airport? What then?
  200.  
  201. I imagine Lilly getting a call from a doctor, whether then or years from now. Unable to help me, unable to move on. The thought makes me want to curl up and die inside. It makes me sick enough to throw up. I never wanted to make Lilly worry about me, but that's what I've been doing by not taking care of myself.
  202.  
  203. I nearly let her go, I didn't fight for her. She nearly left and I barely kept her with me.
  204. What if I left her, if something happened to me? If I wasn't there, she'd feel the same way I did when she was leaving, only she wouldn't be able to get me back. She would lose another person important to her and she'd be all alone. I told her I wouldn't ever let that happen. I'd be a liar if I didn't do everything humanly possible, push myself to the brink, to keep that promise. I don't know how much time we have, how much time I have, but what kind of a person would I be if I didn't do everything in my power to make sure we had as much time as possible?
  205. I won't have her worry about me anymore, I won't let her be alone ever again.
  206.  
  207. “I don't...I don't want that to happen,” I moan.
  208. “Then you have to be strong,” Emi says. “If you can't do it for yourself, then do it for the people you care about. You don't want to be responsible for making them sad, do you?“
  209. I shake my head.
  210. “Good. Because worrying someone who cares about you, making them sad because you're...gone. That's the worst thing you can do to anyone.“
  211.  
  212. I look at Emi. She looks like she's about to cry. “Emi?”
  213. She grimaces and tightens her eyes. “I'm fine. This is about you, not me.” She takes a defiant stance and a steadying breath, standing back up. “I'm giving you one last chance, Nakai. You can quit again, but I'm telling you right now; if you leave this track this time, I'm not wasting my effort on you ever again. I won't be friends with a quitter.“
  214.  
  215. She holds a hand out to help me up. I look down the steps back at the track, then backwards towards the school.
  216.  
  217. She watches me carefully.
  218. Moment of decision, I guess.
  219.  
  220. If not for me, then for Lilly.
  221.  
  222. I take her by the hand “All right,” I say. “One more time.”
  223. Emi smiles. “That's the spirit.”
  224.  
  225. I take the starting line, but Emi doesn't join me. “You coming?” I ask.
  226.  
  227. “No. This is your lap. It's all yours.”
  228. I nod and prepare.
  229. I breathe.
  230. I can do this, I tell myself.
  231.  
  232. I start off from the line. I don't rush forward, I set myself an easy pace. I have to do this. To prove to myself I can change, that I can make myself better. I have to prove to myself that I can do this.
  233.  
  234. I won't let Lilly down a second time.
  235.  
  236. I take the first turn and I've built up enough speed that it could be called a run if you were being generous. I'm controlling my breathing, but its hard. My lungs want to fight and gasp for more air than they should, but I hold them back, I don't let them get out of control.
  237.  
  238. The second turn comes around and my feet and legs are already beginning to scream, but I ignore them. I keep going, I keep pushing.
  239.  
  240. The third turn passes and I'm past the point before where I stopped previously, when the exertion and frustration became too much. My heart pounds in my chest, but I refuse to let it stop me, it only makes me want to try harder, every beat a discouragement, every step forward proving it wrong.
  241.  
  242. The fourth turn is up ahead and this time I can feel my legs begin to shake, my knees wobbling. I can hear the rush of blood in my head and feel the beating of my heart through each of my fingers, but I don't care. I keep running, pushing myself harder.
  243.  
  244. I see the finish line ahead and I'm back in that airport terminal, watching Lilly walk away from me, leaving me forever.
  245. I race towards her.
  246. I fight on, I push, I break myself.
  247.  
  248. I won't let her go again.
  249.  
  250. I pass the line, hit the proverbial wall and my legs give out, tumbling me to the ground, dropping me to my knee, a point of sharp pain that shoots up through me.
  251. Emi screams and rushes up to me as I lay there, breathing ragged gasps of air as I watch clouds lazily float by in my vision. I instinctively wrapped my arms around my chest to protect my frenzied heart from any hard impacts.
  252. “Hisao! Hisao!” Emi shakes me violently. “Hisao!”
  253.  
  254. “I'm okay, stop shaking me,” I wheeze.
  255. I check my pulse. It's going like crazy, the palpitations hard, but steady.
  256. “Water,” I gasp.
  257.  
  258. Emi rushes to the bench, retrieves a bottle of water and pulls the cap, handing it to me.
  259. I dump the entire contents of it on my face, barely any of it getting in my mouth.
  260. “Are you okay,” she asks in a trembling voice.
  261. In between gasps for air, I begin laughing.
  262. Emi's eyes go wide, probably thinking I've gone crazy.
  263.  
  264. I'm laughing loudly, my whole body shaking with the effort. My leg screams in pain, my heart races and my knee feels torn up, but I'm laughing. “You were right, Emi!”
  265. “What was I right about?”
  266. I look up at her and grin. “That was better than sex.”
  267. She smiles back at me and laughs. “Don't worry,” she says. “I won't tell your girlfriend what we just did.”
  268.  
  269. ----------------------------------------
  270.  
  271. 1-3: http://pastebin.com/FigWuFkH
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