All day today, I've been going through this huge fucking crisis.

I was browsing reddit, and there was a thread talking about people's college majors and how the actual career was after they got done with their degree. I'm a Computer Science major, so I got curious about how the people with CS degrees did after they got them. On the thread, they were talking about how much math was involved and how difficult certain aspects of the job could be. I get it, every career has their difficulties. But god damn it, it got to me. I've never been good at math, I barely passed my remedial algebra class last semester. Thinking about that, sent me into a bit of a spiral, thinking about how I've always wanted this, but what if I don't have the drive to get there. I want to work on computers, I want to help people, make games, create my own OS, teach, and make music. But I'm probably never going to get to half of those things because I can't get motivated. I'd love to be a motivational speaker, but god damn it. How am I supposed to do that when I can't even motivate myself? How am I supposed to do anything? I can't. From the time I was in 7th grade, I figured I wouldn't even make it this far. "Why worry about college, or the future? I'll probably have died or killed myself by that point anyway." I just got over a huge slump in my life, where I was running out of money, and couldn't find a job. I finally got a decent job, and I was happy. Until I realized, I'm probably going to end up getting too comfortable and be stuck at this job forever. I'm never going to accomplish any of my goals. I'm going to work at Domino's forever. I'll never get married, or have kids. I'll never get anywhere with anything that I want to do in my life.

I don't know what to do. Computers have always been my passion. I love fixing them, and figuring out what the hell is wrong with them in the first place. Helping people is another passion. I use my experiences to make sure people know they're not alone. What if I end up alone though? What if I end up a crazy cat lady? Or just an old shut in who nobody gives a shit about? I'm terrified of that. I put myself out there and make sure everyone else is okay. I push people away and it takes a lot for me to be able to open up. Like for this, I figured writing this out would make things easier for me to kind of rationalize things. But it's not. Nothing is helping. What if I can't get through this?

How am I supposed to help people when I can't even help myself? I can't handle the random panic attacks I get. If I'm around large crowds or groups of people I get super anxiety attacks. It's kind of a shock that I even got the job that I currently have, and it's not like I'm not thankful for the chance at this job, but god damn it. I don't want to be stuck. I don't want to make pizza's for the rest of my life. What if I'm too scared to move on though?

The voice in the back of my head is just.. repeating, over and over and over, "You're never going to get there. You'll never make it. You're stuck. You'll always be stuck." And that terrifies me. I don't want to be stuck. I want to be successful, and happy. But what if that's not possible? All of the what if's scare me more than anything else and I know if I didn't worry about every little thing, I'd probably be happier and not stress so much, but everything just keeps piling up.

I'm sorry for this huge rant. But I just needed to get it out there.