Delusions Of A Madman: The Ones We Love

Delusions Of A Madman: The Ones We Love
--------------------------------------------

I was kind enough at first to her, but now I fear I may be under her control. Day after day, she whispers violent things to me, more than what I'm willing to hear. Writing in this journal of the years gone by, and while I may have grown accustomed to her insane rambling, I don't think I'll ever consider myself to be  'normal', not in my standards at least.  I was lucky enough to find friends at my school, lucky enough that a cute girl took my idea of running for student council president seriously, and that she's willing to help. My luck often corresponds to how well I reject or respect my 'benevolent' other. She tells me all the time that she means well. Fair enough, she tells the truth. In ways, she always wants to be my parapet, but in turn, she scares me, more than anything has in the world, and she feeds my paranoia in more ways than I could've ever imagined. When I was five, she was my friend. My lovely little companion who would talk to me. My mother thought it was just my imaginary friend. I thought so too. It was only until age ten did I realize that it was a tumour growing inside my head. I was in conflict on whether it was a literal or a figurative tumor. She...no, it... whispered words into  my head. Some I didn't even know until I had my hands on a dictionary. Fast forward to when I was eleven, it grew worse. She would sometimes scream at me, telling me that I had taken her life. I told her I never took anyone's life and that she should leave me alone. She eventually calmed down, but she never left my side, forever a neutral to whatever she says to me. Everynight that I sleep on my bed, I could feel a ghostly woman beside me. Every morning I would see a ghostly apparition sitting beside me. I kept my madness from my parents and saved up enough money to go to the doctor. He reluctantly diagnosed me with schizophrenia, but he told me that my brain was completely normal based on the scanners. They did not find a tumor in my head. I asked them if there was a microscopic tumor that could fester in me. He told me probably, but it wouldn't be causing delusions. Eventually he gave me these migraine pills and told me that it probably wasn't schizophrenia and that I was just overworking myself. The pills worked for a few times, some better than the last, others with no effect whatsoever. My significant other had been tormenting me,  but in ways, she has kept me safe. Despite her efforts, it was always three steps forward , two steps back. I guess I should write down one of the things she has done for me that I would never forget. A year before I transferred to Canterlot High,  I had been given a love letter from a girl I had a crush on. She said she wants to meet up with me at the local milkshake and dining cafe for a date.

>>"Hi...Roman, isn't it? Roman Roland?"
"Trada Tor?"

I remember that Romanian woman. She was beautiful. Her short hair and her luxuriant expressions. I've never actually talked to her and admittedly, I had followed her to her home once but only because I was bored. When she spoke to me, I felt motility in my chest. I did not know how to respond or to react to her.

>>"Hi. You're from the front row of the Biology lab, yes?" She asked me.
"Uh...y-yeah! Do you need anything? I have some notes and s-"
>>"Actually...this is really embarrassing for me to ask you of..."
[[NO!]]
"What is it?"
>>"Well, actually I've kinda err...oh gosh, this is really awkward...ha-ha-ha..."
[[MERETRICIOUS WELP!]]
>>"P-please, accept this." She says while handing me a small envelope.

She then ran away giggling. I was left confused until I went home and opened the letter. It was a beautifully written letter. Short but sweet. She wanted to meet with me the next day at the milkshake place for a little get together. Letter mentioned that she liked me well enough, that she had a crush on me ever since the start of the school year. Had I been so gullible, I probably would've come with roses and my best suit. When I smiled at the ceiling and jumped around like a kid on Christmas, she yells at me. Yes, her.

[[IDIOT!]]
"No...please, don't ruin this for me!"
[[ARE YOU DAFT? ARE YOU INSANE? YOU'LL BE EMBARRASSED]]
"What are you talking about? W-Why am I even listening to you?"
[[YOU KNEW HER EVER SINCE THE START OF THE SCHOOL YEAR. SHE NEVER LIKED YOU.]]
"How can y-you say that?"
[[THINK ABOUT IT. ALL THOSE DAYS YOU SPENT LOOKING AT HER. NOT ONCE HAS SHE DONE THE SAME. SHE'S BEEN WITH THOSE SMOKING IDIOT JERKS AND HER PRETENTIOUS FRIENDS FOR THE PAST MONTHS!]]
"I...I..."
[[SHE NEVER LIKED YOU. YOU'RE HEADING INTO A TRAP.]]
"N-No! She wouldn't! She's a nice girl!"
[[DON'T BE NAIVE.]]

I headed for the drawer and grabbed my pills. In seconds, she was gone. The voice in my head stamped a dangerous thought. Eventually I went to sleep with a pillow on my head, hoping she wouldn't bother me. As time went by, so did my consciousness. I dreamt that night of a white balloon in an orange lit up cave. The cave was filled with spiky rocks and multi-legged insects. Walking further into the cave, the white balloons multiplied, and eventually dispersed into the air. Finally, only one white balloon remained. As I approached it, I saw my reflection, pale as my face was. Little did I know that my reflection bore another face. A face that I've never seen before. As I laid my hand on the balloon, it popped, and then I woke up. I got dressed up and took a bath. After which I looked at myself on the mirror, mimicking what I had done or witnessed in my dream. Looking at that mirror, looking at my reflection. There was fire in my eyes, but I felt nothing other than fear. A muted voice slowly screaming louder in my head. I quickly dressed up and grabbed my bottle of pills from the drawer and poured a handful on my hand. But looking at the letter Trada gave me, something was stopping me. I felt a cold aura closing my hand into a fist, and that aura whispered to me one thing.

[[Let me show you the cruel world.]]

I poured the pills back into the bottle, grabbed a screwdriver after she insisted on it and went out. I could not see her, but I felt an angry grin near my shoulder. We made it near the cafe-diner. By the window, I could see the beautiful Romanian woman talking with her friends, and her friends boyfriends. I was at a distance, so I hid behind a car.

[[Get behind the shop. Quietly.]]

I trusted her with my life for a reason I felt guilty of. I didn't question her. You're probably wondering 'why'? What if she was leading me into a trap? What if she was some sort of antagonizing delusion that wanted me to be ruined before this little date of mine? Well, call it some sort of trusting bond, I was annoyed with her, but I never really hated her...enough. Like I said before, she protected me in many of my life's segments.  I went behind the milkshake cafe and got my screwdriver out.

[[Unscrew the vent.]]

So I did.

[[Get in]]

I went inside and I crept quietly. The heat and steam was ruining my well-ironed shirt, but it's too late to stop at that point. When  we reached the middle of the place, I looked down the vent screen and saw the beautiful Romanian girl with her friends. Each of them holding a cellphone. To my surprise, the place had no customers besides Trada and her posse.

[[THERE!]]
"Where?"
[[LEFT!]]

I looked to my left and crawled in further. At the end of the vent was an 'entrance' to the manager's room. I dropped in and looked around.

"Why am I here?" I asked her.
[[Answers, Roman.]] She responded.

At first I was confused, but after looking around I realized she was right. The room did have all the answers. I clenched the letter in my hand tight. I was this close to getting pranked and viralled. The room had a recording of Trada and the manager's phone conversations. Upon playing those, it revealed to me that the manager and Trada were related. The manager was her uncle, and she ordered from the cafe-diner a crapload of feathers and honey from whatever they had from their trash inventory. Among those recordings were calls to Trada with her uncle telling her that he's sick and asked her to maintain the cafe while he's out for two days. When I looked outside, I overheard Trada and her friends' conversations, further proving that she was in it for one big prank.

>"So, you think he'll show up?" One of her friends asks.
>>"Oh, he will. That weirdo won't know what hit him. Hahahaha."
>>>"You're so cruel, Trada." One of her friends sarcastically tells her.
>>"Pshh, after he ruined my favorite dress by spilling those frog guts in Biology? I say it's perfectly good payback."
>>>>"Hey, once he's covered in a bucket of these, I'll pull his pants down. Ready your cameras, ladies! Hahahah..." One of the jocks say, wearing a half-mask.

"A-All that because I ruined her favorite dress? It was her fault she wore it to Biology!" I tell my delusion
[[Vanity is such a bore, Roman. Once again I come saving your butt?]]
"Yeah...I..."
[[What do you plan to do, Roman?]]
"I...I don't know."

I held my head and closed my eyes tight. I felt dizzy. Felt betrayed and at the same time, felt happy. My imaginary friend had saved me once again from being a tool of viral mockery, but the day wasn't over yet.

"I...I have to...go..."
[[Oh no, Roman. I say we pay her a little visit. You know how to handle a-]]
"No! I...I can't."
[[Yes you can.]]
"No! Not this time. I'm sorry but you're right. However, I...I just can't go in there and grab the bucket of honey and then pour it on her!"
[[Who said anything about going in there and doing it like that?]]

I felt a devilish grin once more. In a mirror I could see the fire in my eyes, but again, I felt nothing but anxiety.

[[Let me...take the wheel for you!]]

I knew it was wrong, but I let her dictate my actions anyway. I did not know what I felt about Trada when I was in that place. I was angry at her vanity and for playing with me. But did I really want to get revenge? That question still lingers in my head until now. My friend lead me to the kitchen and grabbed a handful of silver spoons and forks and jams them all in a microwave.
She then sets it to a minute. After which, she leads me back to the manager's office. After a while, the microwave began emitting sounds. It was making sparks and was about to burst into flames. Trada's friends drop the buckets of honey and the bucket of feathers and hurried to the kitchen to see what was happening. My other then leads me to the counter when everyone was in the kitchen trying to turn the microwave off. I heard from the kitchen that her uncle 'will kill her if one thing gets destroyed'.  My other  led me to grab the buckets of honey and feathers and put them on the kitchen door. The good old bucket-door trick to boot. At first I was relieved she was doing something so tame. Something out of a cartoon where the protagonist would outwit his bullies. She led me out of the restaurant and told me to watch the magic happen.

But I realized I was a fool to give her the wheel. I did not account the rules of nature and luck.

No one made it out of that bar unscarred. The plan backfired. The microwave exploded and the shrapnel caused ruptures in Tarda and her friends' bodies. One of them went half-blind. When I heard the small explosion, my smile quickly dissolved. I tried going in but my friend wouldn't let me. She said it was too late and that it was not accounted for. I yelled at her, which in retrospect made me look like a crazy man yelling at air. She persuaded me to run away from the diner-cafe. Reluctantly I did, but the last thing I saw in those windows was Tarda, bloody and screaming, running out of the kitchen to which the buckets I placed up the door fell on her head, prompting her to hit the counter top.

"GODDAMMIT!" I tell her, running to the nearest payphone.
[[It was not part of the-]]
"YOU JUST HAD TO USE THE MICROWAVE. WE COULD HAVE JUST ...ARGH, WE COULD'VE JUST USED THE FIRE ALARM TO-"
[[The fire alarm would've caused them to flee out of the restaurant, and that wouldn't be helpful with our payback.]]
"WE COULD'VE JUST THREW A POT AT A WALL AND THEY WOULD'VE CHECKED IT OUT!"
[[Not all. One would probably stay behind.]]
"GODDAMMIT!"

Her reasoning is flawed, but I did not continue to argue.

>*Hello, 9-11 emergency.*
"Y-Yes! I'd like to report some sort of accident by the Milko Bros cafe and diner!"
>*What happened?*
"Some sort of explosions...and I could hear screaming!"
>*An ambulance is on its way sir. May I-*
*click*

"ARRGH!"
[[Revenge is]]
"SHUT UP, JUST SHUT UP!"

I went home depressed and guilty. The next day, as I mentioned before, all her friends, herself included, were hospitalized. No one knew that I did it, not even the victims themselves. The police thought that the guy who called was a concerned citizen who was passing by. The whole school collectively hugboxed on the event, making those 'get well' tarpoulines and posters for the poor unfortunate dastards. The jocks got most of the sympathy from their fanbase and fangirls but in the end, I really didn't care much about them. No, I was more worried for my mental health.

[[They were going to ridicule you, Roman]]
"ONE OF THEM NEARLY WENT BLIND!"
[[Yes, but it was their own fault. They played with fire, and they got b-]]
"JUST...JUST SHUT UP! YES, YOU DID SAVE ME FROM EMBARRASSMENT BUT WHAT YOU DID WAS-"
[[No Roman. What we did. I told you what to do, you did what I wanted to do.]]
"GRRAAGH!" I yell, punching the wall.
[[I am sorry for the outcome, but this is all just...life, and all I did is what I would've done in your shoes.]]
"I ...I just don't want you to keep on influencing me! You're not me!"
[[I am you.]]
"Why do you keep saying that, why do you continue to be with me?" I say, nearly in the verge of tears."
[[I just want you to be happy. I thought revenge would make you happy. Are you happy?]]
"I was, until the damn microwave exploded!"
[[This argument is going in circles.]]
"Goddammit, just look at me. I'm talking to myself. No, I'm arguing with myself!"
[[If it makes you feel any better, I'll take the blame for]]
"No...just...just shut up and let me sleep."

Those days were hard. The only good thing about my ranting was that no one could hear me. My mother was working abroad and my father...is already dead. Living alone in the house, I could talk whenever I want with her, but many times, I wish she would just leave me alone. I couldn't understand her. Many times, I've tried to study her. Where did she come from? Why does she refer to herself as me? Why so obsessed with helping me more.
 Three weeks after the incident, I got a call from my mom. She said she wanted me to stay with grandma, who was feeling a bit sick. I joked to myself that I was probably sicker than her. After school, I went straight to her and kissed her on the forehead, bidding hello.

"Hi grandma."
>"Oooh, is that you Istanbul?"
"No grandma, it's me, Roman".
[[SHE'S NOT WELL.]]
"What!?"
>"Dohoho, my favorite grandson! Sorry if I can't stand up. My old legsies aren't the same as they were *cough* 34 years ago!"
[[SHE WILL DIE.]]
>"I think there's some cupcakes in the fridge left, why don't you come and eat some."
"You sure amaze me with how you manage to bake 3 dozen cupcakes in one day, grandma. How are you feeling?"
[[I CAN HEAR THE WOLVES HOWLING]]
>"Just a bit dizzy but fortunetely I still have some of my medication from the last time I had the cold. I'll be fine!"

I went to the bathroom for a quick wee. Sadly I kept getting interrupted by...her.

[[SHE WILL DIE]]
"She's not going to die!"
[[WHEN HAVE I BEEN WRONG?]]
"No, I w-"
[[When you were five and you were near a beehive that looked like a worn out bag, who told you to stay away? ME!]]
"You listen! I-"
[[And when you were nine, who swayed you away from that pedophile by the playground? ME!]]
"I...I..."
[[When you were sixteen years, 243 days old, who warned you against falling into that Romanian woman's maculate hands?]]
"..."
[[I've done so much to ensure your survival, Roman. Trust me...]]

I did not answer back to her. Eventually I got a text from my mother, telling me her flight's delayed and that she won't be able to arrive today to take care of grandma.

>"Oh, that's a shame. At least I have my favorite grandson to comfort me." Grandma said.
"I thought your favorite grandson was Istanbul?"
>"Oh no, that was err, my favorite 18 year old grandson. Haha..."
"Haha..."
>"Oh, I think I'll head to the kitchen for a nice healthy prune juice."
[[SHE'LL DIE!]]
"Ahh...no need to g-get yourself all worked up, grandma, I'll get it for you."
>"Oh such a gentleman." She tells me.

Beneath my worry for her health and the voice in my head telling me what to do, I had begun questioning myself. Everytime I see my grandma about to do something, I rush to do it for her. At first she found it sweet, being treated like a princess. I had begun questioning my mind. It was 10:00 PM and I have done a ton of things for my grandmother just so she wouldn't roll away in her wheelchair out of that spot. I was paranoid as ever. My faith in my friend and the fear I have in my chest are things I'm struggling to handle. My other keeps yelling at me, SHE'LL DIE, DON'T DO THIS, EVERYTHING ELSE WILL KILL HER. I was going mad. I never let my guard down, but this whole thing was driving me insane. Hour after hour, I kept having visions of the times I spent with my friend, how she warned me of doing so many things that could've led to my downfall. At the same time, I questioned my sanity and my free will. Am I really just a slave to her paranoid ramblings? 90% of what she had said to keep me safe when I was still a child were true. As I stare outside the window, I wondered how I would live in this kind of psychological environment. My grandma eventually found my constant worrying and babying irritating.

>"Roman please, I'm just sick, not dying!"
[[IT'S TOO HOT. SHE'LL GET HEART PROBLEMS]]
"I c-can't risk it!" I tell her.
[[CLEAN THE PLACE. DUST EQUALS INSECTS!]]
>"But you'll tire yourself out!"
[[FASTER!]]
"Don't...worry!" I say, catching a breath while turning the AC on.
[[THE KITCHEN! YOU PROBABLY LEFT THE MICROWAVE ON!]]
"I didn't use it!"
[[CHECK ON IT ANYWAY!]]
>"But dear please!"
"I'm...fine grandma." I say, cleaning the place and making sure the place is dust-free.
>"Oh...you'll overwork yourself. Your mother-"
"Mom is coming late, I know!"
>"No it's not that...I don't want you to have an accident. I mean your mother..."
"My mother what, granny?" I tell her, panting.
>"Oh...Oh dear, you need a rest!"
"N-NO! DON'T WORRY ABOUT ME, DON'T MOVE FROM THAT SPOT! I'll just...GAK!"
>"ROMAN!"

I tripped over the rug and fell head first. I broke my nose in the process.

"I'm...fine! I'm fine...I just...ack, bloody nose..."

I went to the bathroom to find some cotton. Looking at the mirror again, I saw myself, going nuts. My messed up hair and my action. I was going mad. Hours passed and my grandmother had already gone to sleep. I sat by the couch, shivering due to how close I was to the AC.

[[SHE MUST BE COLD. GIVE HER A BLANKET]]
"Yeah...sure...just need...a shuteye...ah..."
[[YOU FOOL! SHE COULD GET FROSTBITE ANY MI-]]
"Zzzz"

My body was worn out. I may be a slave to my friend but I'm not free from my limits. Within the realm of my dreams, I hear a voice beside me. I feel my body, forcibly crouched in a dark environment. The fleshy feel of being inside some sort of sac. With me is another baby. A noticable lack of genetalia on its crotch. Its eyes began to open up. Its lips slowly moved. It was talking, but I heard nothing.

"Who...are"

I immediately woke up after realizing I left my bladder unclogged.

"GAH!"

I went straight to the bathroom that night once more and took a leak. After which, I looked in the mirror, only I did not see my reflection. I saw another one's reflection. A bald woman in my place. She looked at me with such contempt. I couldn't move. I couldn't talk. I then heard a frail voice crying for assistance. My grandmother.

"AH! GRANDMA!"

She was shivering. Cold from my rash actions last night. Her fever had gone worse.

"Oh god, I'm sorry! I'll...I'll get the blankets!"
[[NO YOU IMBECILE, TURN THE AC OFF FIRST!]]
"AH!"

I quickly did everything. My grandmother's headache is taking a toll. Eventually she started coughing. A horrible sound to hear. I could've prevented this. This was all my fault. An hour later my mother had arrived. She was shocked to see the whole place all messed up, and me trying to damage control the situation.

>>"ROMAN! WHAT HAPPENED!" My mother asked.
"I...I..."

My mother quickly checked up on her mom. Within an hour, she had me help grandma to her car to bring her to a hospital, for better or for worse. Her fever hit an all time high of 39.2 degrees, an effect of the cold environment she was left to sleep in.  My mother scolded me for not doing a good job of looking after her. I don't blame her. I blame myself as well. As she was transferred into a public room, I saw a window, with a reflection of me, my mother, my grandmother and the bald naked woman from before. I ran to the nearest comfort room and stared once more at the mirror. I saw her, looking at me with those fiery eyes.

"Why? Why can't you just leave me alone!?" I asked her.

She does not answer.

"I don't know if I'm going mad, but I'm hurting people because of you! YOU!" I say, punching the mirror.

Eventually, she spoke.

[[Because you are me, and I am you.]]
"What?"
[[I do not want anything to happen to you, because we are one.]]
"W-What are you saying?"

The woman in the mirror then looked to the door of the comfort room. Out the door was the infancy area, where all the newborn babies laid.

[[Don't ask questions you know the answer to.]]
"You may have protected me before, but the past few weeks have been nothing but pain for me! Your paranoia, your constant demands!"
[[I cannot help it. I am but a shadow that haunts you. A tiny little spot in your head that just wants what's best for you. I have seen things and understood things in every milisecond you breathe. Things that you have never noticed.]]
"Then are you just going to fester my head with thoughts of paranoia? Thoughts that would just haunt me for the rest of my life? What if I just tell mom I do have schizo? Maybe go through some medication to keep you out of my head!"
[[Roman...]]
"..."

She places her hand on the mirror and leans in closer.

[[I have known you since you were a child. Your mother didn't know. It was a hard time for her the day she gave birth. Don't kill the only other thing that has protected you.]]
"I...I don't..."
[[I'm your friend Roman.]]
"...Please...just..."
[[Don't reject me.]]
"G-Go away...p-please..." I say, sobbing.
[[I love you. We are each other.]]
"Please..."
[[I can't.]]

I sat by the bench, crying. The doctors passing by figured I was in an emotional stress due to some loved one in death bed.

[[I won't. We are one. Roman.]]

As the days passed by, my grandmother got out of the hospital. My mother never trusted me with her again, but my grandmother never held what I did against me. I couldn't forgive myself. In a few months, my mother remarried and we were forced to move to another place. But no matter where I go, I will always be haunted by...her. The woman who talks to me in my sleep, in my every moment. Filling my thoughts with fear, like being a test subject of Jonathan Crane. She reminds me forever of our bond. A bond that I never fully understood. I'm a slave to my delusion, subject to her objurgating and ranting. Even now in a new place to call my own, I am nothing but a weird little paranoid oaf. I was lucky enough to land friends in this place, and I was lucky enough to be considered 'normal' by its standard.  Right now, I am what I am. A man with a voice in his head, deluding himself that every moment he's with this voice is a good thing.

Maybe one day I will know the feeling of a quiet life.

End.

[spoiler]This was supposed to be a halloween story, but I lost motivation in the long run, so I made it half-baked.[/spoiler]